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It’s late when Roman gets the call, just finished getting ready for bed. At first, it’s Tom, and holy fuck, he does not want to talk to Tom, ever. Then, it’s Shiv, and while he loves her, he doesn’t really want to talk to her at 11:30pm. They haven’t talked since the vote, since they silently agreed that what she was doing was right. He knows it was and still doesn’t want to lose Kendall, so he ices her out, knowing she’ll always be there for him. Kendall is more complex. So he ignores it, plugging his phone and placing it on his nightstand, moving to lay down. She calls again, and, thinking that it might be about the baby, or god forbid, Kendall, he picks up.
“Fuck off, Shiv, it’s too fuckin late for this,” he starts in immediately, not wanting to show any sign of concern.
“Roman? It’s Tom,” and immediately he moves to hang up, not wanting to hear whatever business proposition Tom has for him.
“Roman? It’s about Shiv,” and with that, he pauses. He’s still debating hanging up, willing to live in ignorance rather than accept anything happening to his sister.
“Well, what is it?” Roman responds, impatiently.
“She’s- well, she’s had a hard past few months, Roman, and then-”
“What happened?” Roman says, low and dark, and Tom cuts to the point.
“She left. I don’t know where she went. She didn’t bring any of her things. All that was here when I got home was a note that said she was sorry and she loved me and-” and with that, Roman’s blood runs cold. His family is no stranger to suicide, to notes and warning signs, and alarm bells are going off in his head.
“What the fuck did you do to her?” he growls, and he hears Tom stutter on the other end, clearly confused.
“Just fuck off, Tom, we’ll handle it,” he says, hanging up before Tom can say anything more. He moves quickly, grabbing his coat and scrolling through his contacts. He wavers over Kendall’s name, unsure if he’ll be willing to help, but it’s Shiv, so he has to. They don’t have anyone else, not anymore.
“Rome?” Kendall picks up the phone, clearly having been woken up by the call.
“It’s Shiv. She’s gone, she left a suici- she left a note, Ken, no one knows where she is. Get the fuck out of bed and start fucking looking,” and he hears rustling in the background, hears Ken jump out of bed, and feels a sick sense of satisfaction. At least something is bringing them together.
Roman walks around the city for close to an hour, not knowing if Shiv is dead or alive. Ken texts him sporadically, updating him on his lack of luck. Finally, Roman decides to actually think, to think about where their sister would be most likely to go. Thinks about statistics that reflect suicide in women, and, knowing that women are more likely to drown themselves, texts Kendall to meet him at her favourite bridge. It’s less than ten minutes before he gets there, praying simultaneously that she’s there, and that she isn’t. His prayers are answered, somewhat, when he sees her standing there, incredibly still. For a moment, he thinks she’s a figment of his imagination, but then Kendall is there, breathless, whispering expletives at the sight, and he knows it’s Shiv. Trying not to scare her, he makes loud steps, but she doesn’t move.
Finally, after a few minutes, he whispers, “Shiv?”, but she still doesn’t move, the words going out into the cold night air and he’s not even sure if she heard him.
“Shiv,” he speaks louder this time, but she keeps her eyes on the water.
Ken puts a hand on his shoulder, nodding slightly.
“Shivy,” Ken tries, and she whips her head around.
“Ken?” she breathes, and Roman sighs with relief.
“Shivy, honey, can you get down from there?” Kendall asks, but Shiv shakes her head.
“I understand you better now, Ken. The water is so peaceful, everything is so quiet when you’re under,” she says, emotionlessly, and Roman is scared. He’s never seen her like this, never seen her quite so maudlin, Shiv was usually the picture of austerity, always put together, unemotional in a way that indicated that she was, in fact, feeling a wealth of emotions just below the surface, but this was different. This was impulsive, reckless in a way he’d expect from Kendall, but never Shiv. She was always the best of them.
“Did Tom call you?” she asked, after a moment. Roman nodded, before realising she had turned back to the water.
“Yeah, uh, he called me, and then I called Ken. Can you uh- fuck, Shiv, can you please get down?”
“Oh fuck off, Roman. Neither of you have called in months, don’t pretend to give a fuck now,”
“Shiv-” Kendall started, but she cut him off.
“It’s okay, guys, I promise. Just walk away. Pretend like you never found me, and pretend to grieve when you hear the news. I have no doubt that you both will be better off without me, as you have been these past few months. Just please,” she pleaded, and, however awful, Roman considered doing just that. Not because he would be better off without her, but because he felt sick just seeing her stand there, he didn’t think he would ever recover if she jumped in front of them.
“Fuck off, Shiv, no one would be better off without you,” Ken said, harshly. Shiv laughed, and Roman felt sick.
“Shiv, I’m so sorry I didn’t call. I’ll explain it all if you just get down,” Roman begged.
“I’m sorry,” she said, simply, and moved forward, but Ken lunged forward, pulling her down and carefully wrapping his arms around her. Roman bent down to look in her eyes, but they were vacant, far away, nothing like Shiv. He made eye contact with Ken, and he saw that Kendall was scared, too. They both didn’t know her anymore, had no idea what had happened in the months they hadn’t talked to her. Whatever it was, it had clearly had a tremendous effect on her psyche, and he was determined to find out what it was and fix it, with or without Kendall’s support. He had iced his sister out and this is where it had gotten them, he wasn’t going to do it again, no matter how pissy Ken was. He whispered platitudes while she shook, vowing silently to never let things get this bad for her again, no matter what issues were going on in their business lives, no matter how much he hated her, he fucking loved her, more than anything, always, in all ways.