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Shinsou tilted her head, watching her boyfriends run back and forth, chasing each other like children.
A small smile graced her lips, gone as soon as it came. She fiddled with the strings of her jeans for a moment, before her fingers skittering to pull at the grass instead. She listened to Sero and Bakugou laugh from the background as she thought.
Fond memories seemed to dance around her, yet she sat there, unable to grasp an inch of them. Her chest hurt and her body felt…/wrong/.
She needed to shed the skin she wore or else she’d suffocate. It felt off listening to those sweet words from Sero. It felt gross hearing the little pet names Bakugou would spit out. Everything was just out of order.
The thought had been sitting in the back of her mind for years, growing with every step of her life that she took. Year after year until it became unbearable. She couldn’t do anything anymore without that sinking feeling that she was missing something.
She couldn’t figure it out either. She couldn’t bring herself to dig deeper out of fear. Fear of the unknown and of new beginnings that she wanted nothing to do with.
Of course, the more it settled, the more it grew, she knew she’d have to figure things out finally. But what /things/ did she need to figure out? What was making her so uncomfortable that she couldn’t smile for even a second before those stupid thoughts sank her tiny ship again?
What could possibly be wrong with her?
And then the dreadful day had come when Sero announced he wanted to take photos. Professional photos with professional photographers. Which, those are one thing, but then Sero mentioned the chance for boudoir photos and her entire world shattered.
She watched her favorite men in the world toss some ball around like they were stupid American teens in those cheesy sports movies Aizawa sometimes makes them watch just so he can nap.
The last thing Shinsou wanted was to dress in some stupid see-through dress.
God forbid she just wanted to wear pants and hoodies all day. God forbid she’d hate every single picture of her body, because no one, not even she, wants to see that. It’d just look off, wrong, like she wasn’t actually in her own skin. Just a puppet.
Why did her image, her own body make her so angry?
“God damnit, Hanta, watch where you throw that stupid ball!” Shinsou’s eyes trained to Bakugou, watching as he dusted his shorts off before moving to rub his chest. His eyes crinkled as a smile formed on his lips, and Shinsou let herself smile with him. He was so handsome.
She wished she was half as handsome as he is.
Sero jogged over to Bakugou, laughing. The sweetest sound to Shinsou’s ears. It was a deep and almost husky laugh and Shinsou secretly wished she could hold the bass that he does.
Shinsou slouched, fingers pulling at the grass again.
That’s a weird want for a girl to have.
She mouthed the word to herself over and over again. Handsome. She truly couldn’t believe how the word made her heart flutter. Like she was soaring on a cloud from that one little word.
“Toshi, sweet girl, you okay?” She heard Sero call out for her, her entire body cringing at the word ‘girl’. She scowled at the ground, muttering out that she was fine before pulling herself up off the ground.
She wiped her hands on her jeans, getting off nonexistent dirt. They’d only been there thirty minutes, but she was hot and in a horrible mood and they were just in their front yard. “I’m hungry,” she muttered, turning without a second glance to high tail it back inside.
“Wait hang on, we’ll come eat with you. It’s lunchtime anyway! And we can chat about the photo shoot, yeah?”
Shinsou scowled again. “No fucking thanks. I don’t want to do that stupid fucking photo shoot.” The front door shut behind her with a loud thunk from the wind and she felt her shoulders droop down and her eyes water.
What was wrong with her?
It only took five minutes for Bakugou to come barging into the house. Enough time for Shinsou to collect herself, but not quite enough time for her to make it to the kitchen.
“Pump the fucking breaks, eye bags. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Bakugou snapped, crushing Shinsou’s heart like an unwanted weight.
“Nothing’s wrong with me. I just don’t wanna do the photo shoot. And I shouldn’t hav-”
“I don’t give a fuck about the photo shoot nor is anyone making you do the damn thing. You didn’t need to snap at Hanta!”
Shinsou’s heart clenched again. “I didn’t mean to,” she whispered, voice wavering on another breakdown. She watched Bakugou soften at the sound of her voice, eyes still stern with the understanding that she would, in fact, need to apologize. And she would.
“You’ve been distant, Hitoshi,” she heard Sero call out, startling Bakugou. She didn’t realize he’d stepped in, and of course, neither did Bakugou.
“Swear to god, we need to put a fucking bell on you,” Bakugou mumbled, turning back to Shinsou.
She felt like she was being studied under a microscope now. It made her want to hide away every flaw that she could think of until there was nothing left of her. Just bones on display.
Sero waved his hand, concerned eyes glued to Shinsou. “You don’t like being called sweet girl do you?”
Shinsou barked out a fake laugh, waving her hands. “What? That’s stupid! What the hell would make you say that?”
She could tell both of her boyfriends were unconvinced by the arch of their eyebrows, almost simultaneously.
She rolled her eyes, trying to feign off that bubble of…hope? Settling in her stomach.
“No, I mean, honestly? I just…hate the nicknames, okay?”
Sero crossed his arms. She knew she truly wasn’t convincing him, but to her surprise, he played along. “Really? That’s why you snapped at me? Why didn’t you say anything?”
She rubbed her arm, her heart sinking once more. “Well because you two liked using them so much.”
Sero eyed her carefully, glancing up and down, before giving her a shrug. “Alright, no more pet names for you. You still like Toshi?”
She nodded her head, feeling defeated.
“Great, now where the hell is my apology, Toshi?”
She huffed, yanking her hood up. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. I really didn’t mean it. But…I really don’t want to do that photo shoot.”
Sero hummed, passing her as he made his way to the kitchen. “That’s fine! Will you still come with us?”
Shinsou watched him walk away, stuffing her hands into her hoodie. “Yeah, of course.” She felt a hand on the small of her back as Bakugou moved past her, eyes narrowed on her for a split second. As if…as if he knew.
Unlike Sero, who was just unconvinced that she was telling the truth, Bakugou looked at her with this knowing look, this….understanding look. Somehow, that one tiny glance, person to person, made relief wash over her. He knew exactly what she was dealing with. She knew he did because he went through the same thing.
And all at once she realized she truly didn’t like being called a girl at all. Shinsou wasn’t a /she/.
He was…a he.
— — —
Shinsou played with those pronouns, enjoying the exhilaration it brought him. He basked in the joy, the way /he/ brought a smile to Shinsou’s face. It was silly how many times Shinsou caught himself twirling his stupidly long hair as he daydreamed about being a guy. All the joy he felt, of course, left the moment he was back in reality.
‘She’ this. ‘Ma’am’ that. The only thing he didn’t mind was his name, which was already a pretty masculine name. But otherwise? He was so femme presenting it wasn’t funny.
“So I think for this, we should wear matching boxers, yeah?” Shinsou heard Sero ask, bringing him out of his thoughts. He glanced up to see Sero showing Bakugou his phone. Bakugou scoffed, taking a drink of water from a bottle Shinsou didn’t even realize he was holding.
“Seriously, Hanta? Fucking heart boxers? What is this? The fucking nineties?”
Sero laughed at that, scrolling through his phone. “Okay what about these, then?”
Bakugou leaned down to kiss Sero’s cheek with a sly grin. “The matter, Han? Don’t want full nudity?”
Sero grinned in return, turning just a bit to face Bakugou better. “Are you kidding? And let all those strangers get a good look at your pretty dick? Hell no.”
Bakugou laughed, using his free hand to flick Sero’s nose. “Fucking weirdo.”
“/I’m/ the weirdo?! You wanna stand nude in front of a bunch of strangers! I just want underwear shots!” Sero joined Bakugou in his laughter, setting his phone down. Shinsou got a glance of the picture he was suggesting to Bakugou, his heart humming at the idea of being in a pair of boxers himself. They were black checkered boxers with little cats on the bottom right seam of the front of them. Those were practically /made/ for Shinsou.
“Toshi, you sure you don’t wanna take pictures with us? It’d be nice to have some family photos,” Sero inquired. “And you can wear that really cute babydoll set Kats got you for Christmas. The one with the candy cane bra?”
Shinsou glanced away from Sero’s phone, to his own, screen shut off. He acted as if he was scrolling, muttering out a ‘no’. The response was a bit harsh, but that was more because Shinsou’s heart rate shot up at the fact that he got caught staring in /awe/ at Sero’s stupid phone.
Sero didn’t know. No, but Bakugou’s eyes stayed glued to Shinsou and he could /feel it/. Those crimson eyes burned a hole into Shinsou.
Shinsou felt as though he needed to confess his findings, probably soon, but truthfully, he wanted to sit with it first. Make sure it really was right and not some stupid one-off thing that he was running on high with.
“Hitoshi,” Bakugou asked, voice soft and warm making Shinsou’s skin tingle. “You want those boxers, don’t you?”
Shinsou swore his heart almost stopped, looking up in a panic only to realize…Sero was gone. Like he vanished. Shinsou glanced around quickly, panic still set in his stomach. Bakugou took his hand, gentle and grounding. “How long did you sink into your head for? Hanta left like five minutes ago. He had a shift.”
Shinsou sighed, exasperated and appalled at the idea that Bakugou would try to out him. He’d never do that.
“Hitoshi, you know me. We can talk about this. You know that right?”
Shinsou felt tired; like his body was finally letting itself relax and he could catch up on all the sleep he missed out on. “Yeah,” he whispered softly, pulling Bakugou’s hand up until his lips were pressed to the back of it.
“Yeah, I know. Just let me sit with it for a while, yeah? I don’t know what I want yet.” His eyes flicked to Bakugou. Bakugou looked weary, concerned even. HE hesitated, Shinsou could see him start and stop a sentence before finally saying, “Okay, sweetheart.”
Shinsou nearly melted at that, his eyes fluttering shut and a smile dripping onto his lips. “Yeah, I knew that nickname shit was bullshit, huh?”
Shinsou could /hear/ the shit-eating grin on Bakugou’s face, and it only made his smile grow.
— — —
The photoshoot was supposed to be simple. Shinsou thought they would just take pictures in a couple of different outfits and then call it good. But no. Sero decided to order…too many things. He ordered pride flags, ordered brand new clothes for all three of them, and even got everyone a few sets of lingerie. Shinsou had asked how long this thing was going to take, and he was less than excited when Sero had said the entire day.
Shinsou went through the clothing and wasn’t happy about the clothes Sero picked for him. It made him want to pull away once more. One was a dress with color patterns similar to the pride flag just in pastel and while it was pretty to look at, Shinsou dreaded the idea of putting it on. He felt like he /had/ to and it made him itch. Another outfit was a flowy purple and white skirt and a matching black and grey crop top blouse. It was the asexual colors, which Shinsou was fairly sure he was. The other outfit was a pair of jeans with another blouse. The blouse was one Shinsou wasn't even sure what it meant to represent, just that it was extremely bright and made him want to burn it.
The lingerie of course was the babydoll outfits Sero said he wanted to get for Shinsou, one orange, green, and black, which matched the colors of Bakugou's hero costume, and the other being black, yellow, and white matched Sero's costume.
He was upset. Not at Sero, but at himself for feeling this way. When Sero had asked if he liked the outfits, Shinsou just shut down.
It was hard. He didn't want to be upset with Sero, but he just wanted to be comfortable in his own skin, and this wasn't making him comfortable.
Every time Sero tried to ask about it, Shinsou shut him down or changed the subject. He waved Sero off or ignored comments about the photoshoot the closer the day got and he refused to dress up in the pretty but stupid lingerie.
Of course, he felt…guilty, taking his frustrations about this identity crisis on Sero, because frankly, Sero is navigating the relationship as if nothing is wrong. Because he doesn't know anything about Shinsou's crisis, he doesn't know Shinsou feels like ripping apart his own skin.
How could he? Shinosu can't even bring himself to talk to Sero anymore with all of the dumb guilt.
That is until Bakugou intervenes. Bakugou, who knows what's going on. Bakugou, who has been through the /same/ shit. Shinsou remembered listening to Sero rant about Bakugou doing this exact thing. And it made Shinsou feel even more guilty.
"You gotta talk to him, Toshi. You're hurting him. I know you're not doing it on purpose, but you are, it's gotta stop."
The silence after Bakugou spoke was so thick Shinsou couldn't even cut it with the sharpest knife in their house.
He hung his head, feeling the waterworks that he didn't deserve to shed (????).
Bakugou held the silence, waiting for Shinsou to respond, waiting for an inkling of acknowledgement that was him tilting his head down. He gave Shinsou time, though, letting him sit with the weight he's caused. Shinsou soaked in it too before finally lifting his head with a pathetic sniff.
He wiped his nose and nodded his head and Bakugou offered him a soft smile. He didn't deserve that smile considering he's been a horrible partner for the last two weeks.
But nonetheless, Bakugou gives it to him, offering his hand for grounding. Shinsou takes it, selfishly and holds it carefully, as if Bakugou was glass ready to shatter.
"Okay," Shinsou breathed. "Okay, I'm ready. I wanna tell him."
Bakugou seemed surprised at that, sitting straight up. His smile faded and his eyes widened and that truly confused Shinsou. "Hitoshi, that's- Are you sure?"
Shinsou tilted his head, like a puppy hearing an intriguing word. "Is that not what you meant?"
Bakugou furrowed his eyebrows, matching Shinsou's own confusion. "No, I just meant you needed to talk to him and stop ignoring him….Hitoshi, you do not have to tell him if you aren't ready."
Shinsou chewed on his bottom lip, letting that sink in. Should he really wait, though? Would that be fair to Sero?
He shook his head, clearing those thoughts immediately. "Hanta deserves to know. He's a supportive boyfriend and I know he won't care. I'm ready."
Bakugou squeezed Shinsou's hand, his smile returning. "I'm so proud of you, baby."
Shinsou's cheeks flushed and he yanked his hand back, turning away. "Yeah, whatever," he muttered, almost stomping out of the room.
He barely made a step through the doorway before he ran smack into Sero's chest, making an 'oof', noise. He stepped back, glancing up at Sero who seemed worried.
"Sorry, you okay? I just- I heard my name? Are you…are you-"
Shinsou grabbed Sero's hands, his fingers trying to pick at the cuticles. "It's alright Hanta. Can we talk?"
Sero's face shifted from worry to…anguish, almost.
"I- Toshi? Whatever I did, I'm really sorry," Sero said, his voice quick and his hands trembling.
Shinsou watched the tears form in his eyes and his heart shattered at the realization. Sero thought Shinsou was going to break up with him.
"Oh, honey, no," Shinsou cupped Sero's face, pulling him down to meet for a kiss. "I just needed to tell you something. You've got nothing to be sorry for, you didn't do anything wrong. /I/ should be sorry for being god awful to you."
Shinsou kisses him again, holding his face. "I'm sorry, Hanta. I should've told you sooner."
Sero sniffed, pressing his forehead to Shinsou's. "So, you're not breaking up with me?"
"'Course not, dummy. I'd be stupid to end things with such an amazing man."
Sero sniffed again, and then kisses Shinsou, wrapping his arms tightly around him right after. "Oh, thank God."
The two finally pulled apart, both with tears in their eyes, but Shinsou was smiling, reaching for Sero's hands again. "I just…uhm, the lingerie? Makes me uncomfortable. I know you understand that I'm probably asexual, and I'm almost positive I am, but that's not why. It was because-" Shinsou looked down at their hands, taking a breath, trying to hold in his courage.
"It made me…angry. Not at you, but just…ugh, basically," Shinsou furrowed his eyebrows, trying to focus. "Basically, they made me uncomfortable because I'm not a woman. I'm trans."
Silence fell between them as Shinsou lost the words he wanted to say, simply leaving it at that. Tentatively, he glanced up, trying to gauge Sero's reaction.
For once, Shinsou couldn't read Sero. For once, Shinsou was completely baffled at what his silly, idiot, open-book-emotions boyfriend was feeling.
And, for a moment, it made him panic.
"Uhm, H-Hanta…?" Just as Shinsou said his name, Sero pulled him into a tight hug, causing Shinsou's voice to crack.
"I'm so fucking proud of you, baby boy. I'm so /fucking/ proud of you."
For the third time that night, Shinsou cried. For the first time in a while, they were happy tears.
—
The day of the photoshoot, Sero refuses to show Shinsou what his outfit was. It'd only been two days after Shinsou came out, and he didn't really think Sero could get anything that quick, but he was adamant that he had the perfect outfit for Shinsou. He'd also told Shinsou to opt out of the boudoir pictures, and Shinsou happily did, perfectly fine with watching from the sidelines.
Sero asked the photographer if they could do the boudoir pictures first, and Shinsou got to watch Sero and Bakugou practically fuck for photos.
He was a bit jealous, but not enough to join.
When it was finally time for their pictures together, Sero and Bakugou both took Shinsou to a different room to change.
The first thing Sero offered Shinsou was a black fabric that felt like compression gloves. Confused, Shinsou held it up, inspecting it.
It…kind of looked like Bakugou's binder from high school, or at least similar.
Shinsou gasped softly, glancing up at Sero, then to Bakugou. "Is this-"
They both beamed, Sero nodding his head.
"Yeah, I had my old man get it for us," Bakugou said, crossing his arms proudly. "It's got your name stitched inside of it in the trans flag colors. Ain't that fucking cool?"
"I don't understand how you even got it this fast? Is this even gonna fit?"
Bakugou rolled his eyes playfully. "Yeah, if you're still the same size you were in bras. Put it on, let's see. Hanta turn around you fucking perv."
The two turned their backs after Bakugou smacked Sero's chest, allowing Shinsou to get the binder on.
He pulled it on, running his hands up and down his chest after he did. It felt like he just had a tank top on, nothing different other than his boobs were more compressed.
"Uhm," Shinsou finally muttered, letting his boyfriends turn back around to get a look.
Instead of being excited, the two launched into an examining session. Bakugou was muttering something about the fit while Sero was raising Shinsou’s arms up to inspect the fabric.
He shuddered at the ghost of fingers dancing up his chest. "Ah- dont- what are you doing?"
"Making sure it fits properly and isn't crushing your ribs," Sero stated matter-of-factly, his fingers tucking under the band on the bottom of the binder, tugging on it, his fingers brushing along Shinsou's skin again.
Shinsou blushed and huffed out a breath. "Stop that, it tickles-"
Sero grinned down at Shinsou almost devilishly. "Does it, now?"
Shinsou yanked his arms away and wrapped them protectively around his chest. "Don't you dare!"
Sero laughed while Bakugou barked at them to knock it off.
Bakugou's glare was to Sero as he shoved the tall man out of the way. He fixed his gaze on Shinsou after, batting his arms away to get a better look at the binder. Finally, he smiled at Shinsou, a hand lifting from the binder to cup Shinsou's face. "How's it feel?"
"Like my boobs are being kinda crushed. But, not really bad. I kinda like the pain."
Sero's laughter returned and Bakugou's gentle hand turned into cheek-pinching. Shinsou laughed, smacking Bakugou's hand away. "Okay, I'm sorry! It doesn't actually hurt, okay?"
Bakugou flowered a bit, before grabbing Shinsou's hand. "If it does, though, I'll get it altered, you got that? My dad fucking loves you and would do anything to make you happy just as much as he would me or Hanta. So let him help."
Shinsou smiled, giving Bakugou's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Yeah, I got it. I'll tell you, I promise."
He bit his lip, finally glancing around the room. "Soooo…do you have the rest of the outfit, or are you making me take pictures in just my binder?"
"Uhm, fucking /duh/. Come here, let's get you fully dressed," Sero called from across the room, holding a bag. "I want everyone to meet the real Shinsou Hitoshi, so let's hurry up."
Shinsou's smile grew. "Yeah, I'm ready for everyone to meet me, too."