Chapter Text
I wasn't always a loner but I was always shy. It was hard for me to find friends but in Muggle school I attended before finding out that I'm a witch I had one friend.
The basic information about me? I’m Elile Hale. I have two older sisters and one brother. You probably think that it means fun? Well, you're right. Kinda. It's not always that great. And if your siblings are amazing at everything they do, it's not that great. And unfortunately, that's what it is like in my case. Through all these years I was always compared to them and even if not many stated it out loud, I'm not even half as good as my siblings. And that sucks. A lot. It caused me to become shy and self-conscious. And when I turned out to be a witch? It became even worse. Not only did they envy me but also somehow at the same time they started to look down on me because while they were learning all levels of Math and Muggle literature, I didn’t know it at all and instead had my spells, potions and beasts. Were both types of schools hard? Definitely. Did I ever act superior because I could use magic? Never. So why did our relations take a nosedive after my 11th birthday? Maybe it was just the fact that I was spending most of my time many miles from them and could only use owls to communicate…
So when I became eleven my life had completely changed because I had gotten a letter from Hogwarts. The school for Witches and Wizards. I hoped that maybe being a witch was the reason why I didn't seem to fit in this world. But then I went to Hogwarts and it turned out that I didn't fit there either. I learnt that the hard way on the first day and year but I don’t like to talk about that.
But then in fourth year it got better. When I finally made a friend. Most people would freak out if they found out who I was friends with, especially given my first year at Hogwarts, but what can I say? I was pretty much desperate for any kind of human relations. I just appreciated what I got and befriended one of people I probably shouldn't have.
Yes, so my life wasn't exactly perfect. But is life truly always good to anyone? I don't think so. Everyone struggles with something. It's never perfect but most of the time, it's worth it or at least I hoped so.
But you know when I say 'I'm fine' I don't mean 'I'm good' but 'you don't have to worry. I'm handling it.' Events from my first year and lack of friends took a great toll on me. And maybe no one knew but it left scars, both mentally and physically, that never healed. I keep going though. I'm not going to give up. I'm a Gryffindor after all. But my life strategy is to live my life as I want and wait for better times. And maybe, just maybe they will finally come?
Today was my first day in my Fifth Year at Hogwarts. And it was one of those days when I wished I could talk or even sit in silence with anyone. But it never happens. I can't complain too much though. My roommates are great because they don't care that much that I don't talk. Well, at least not anymore.
There are three of them: Lily, Marlene and Mary. They're all nice, talented and beautiful. Everyone loves them. Sometimes they talk with me and if I need anything, I can always count on them. But it's not really friendship or anything.
The ride to Hogwarts went well. Most of the time I was reading a book and apart from the Trolley Witch, no one bothered me. When I came to the carriages I immediately noticed the one with my roommates. I approached and asked, "hi! Can I go with you?
"Sure. Come in," Lily said politely. She was always kind to everyone. Well, almost. There were two boys that she hated with passion - James Potter and Sirius Black. They kept bullying her best friend so it was to be expected though. The funny thing was that James had a huge crush on her.
I looked at the girls sitting in the carriage with me. They probably didn't want me to go in the carriage with them but they had to have 4 people in it to go to Hogwarts so they had to live with it.
"How was your summer?" Lily asked.
"Good," I answered. And after a few seconds added, "and yours?"
They all answered shortly that their were also good or great even. And then we became silent. You may think that it's weird how I or they didn't continue the conversation but it was normal for me. Actually, a few years ago I wouldn't have even asked them back. Weird, I know. But I just don't think properly when I talk with other people.
After a few minutes Lily, Mary and Marlene got themselves involved in a conversation while I was admiring the view. Even though I lived in Hogwarts for four years now, whenever I looked at it, it was always looking breathtaking to me. Maybe the life here wasn't amazing but I enjoyed it a lot. I knew for sure that I'd miss it when I graduate.
Fortunately, it didn't take long to get to the castle and the awkward ride was soon over. We came into the Great Hall together and then we separated. They went to sit next to Fourth and Sixth Years. I went to my place at the end of the table, far from the teacher's table and close to the door. A perfect spot for me. I could always come, eat and leave unnoticed. And the Seventh Years just ignored me, they were used to it.
Soon after all students from second year up came, the Sorting started. This year turned out to be different because we had a transfer student who was going to join my year. It was a girl and she was quickly sorted into... Gryffindor. Should I be happy? Maybe. Was I? No. Definitely not. She would be the fifth girl in my dorm. And if she becomes friends with Lily, Mary and Marlene which is almost certain, I'll be abandoned by them in paired assignments in classes. Though at least I didn't worry much about my sittings at desks because whenever I could, I would sit alone. The partnering in class was a different story. I didn't want to end up paired up with someone I didn't know because our work for sure would not be done by two people cooperating. I mean I can barely talk with people I know, it’d be a disaster with anyone I didn't know.
I had to wait for about half an hour more before I could finally eat. I might not like a few things about Hogwarts but that's definitely not food. Apparently, it was made by House-elves and I had to admit that they knew what they did. The feasts were always delicious.
After some time, I finished eating and went to the Gryffindor Tower with the crowd. Though most of the people were staying in the Common Room, I went straight to my dorm. I was never the one to sit and relax with friends there. Mostly because I didn't have friends but also because I didn't like to be observed and everyone could watch you there.
When I came in, I saw that my roommates were there already. They were on Lily and Mary's beds and were talking animatedly. I also noticed that there was an additional bed. Probably for the new girl.
When they noticed that I had come in, they all turned to me and there was also the new girl. When she saw me and stood up introducing herself excitedly, "hi! I'm Dorcas."
I forced myself to smile and answered, "hi. I'm Ellie."
"Nice to meet you," she said and then sat down with the rest of the girls again.
I started to walk towards the bathroom when I heard Dorcas say, "don't you want to talk with us? We're getting to know each other..."
I smiled sourly and before I could answer her, Marlene did. "Ellie isn't too talkative..." she trailed off. I nodded to confirm that and went into the bathroom.
It's not that I didn't want to become friends with Dorcas but joining Lily, Mary and Marlene's conversation just didn't seem right. We respected each other's space. I didn't interrupt them and they left me alone. We liked it that way and I didn't plan on changing that.
When I came back to the dorm, the girls were also preparing to go to bed. I didn’t know what they told Dorcas about me but she didn’t attempt any conversation with me after that. We just said our goodnights and I climbed into my bed to sleep and they walked into the bathroom.