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A new exhibition commemorating the lives and achievements of Captain America, his Howling Commandos, Agent Carter, and all those involved with the success of the Super Soldier Program and the victory of the Allies during World War II has been recently opened at the Smithsonian Institution. And as soon as Natasha Romanov heard about the memorial, she knew she had to take Steve to see it.
Now, to be able to convince him to go, is a completely different matter.
“C’mon, mister Fossil, it’ll be fun! A walk through memory lane, Natasha insists in the presence of Rogers’ doubt. “Besides, I think you might appreciate the way your former pals are honored. They are all held in high esteem. They are all war heroes, after all.”
“I don’t know, Nat, I don’t want to get upset and ruin the day,” Steve argues, grimacing at the thought.
“Hey, it’s okay if you get emotional. Perhaps back then it was frowned upon, but nowadays it’s more acceptable for men to show and share their feelings.”
She knows that “acceptable” is not the right word, but she’s putting what she means to say in words that he might understand. Back in the 40s it wasn’t only a different time altogether, but a different society. But despite men still being expected by some to uphold a sense of emotionless and rationality at seemingly all times, it’s true that more people are becoming aware of the toxicity of that social expectation.
Yet it’s that conundrum that pushes Steve to make a humorless joke regarding the matter of how others might perceive him getting emotional.
“Even if said man is Captain America?”
“Well, I guess as long as no one recognizes you…”
The comeback is made with a smirk that doesn’t reach her eyes, and they both laugh more in an attempt to dissipate the tension and awkwardness elicited by the real issue at heart: how seeing the exhibition might affect Steve.
After all, he still has nightmares regarding the war, and he sometimes wakes up screaming for those he has lost. Even with Peggy still being alive, it’s not the same. Not only because of her declining health and lucidity but because of the fact that she’s the only one he has left, at all. He lost everyone else, and for most of them, he wasn’t even there to see them off into the Afterlife. Instead, he found out they were all gone after he woke up 70 years into the future.
So, he has yet to finish processing and healing from all the loss, the pain, and the trauma brought by the events of the past. Thus why he worries about how seeing footage of himself and his loved ones from back in the day might affect him.
“I’ll be there with you, and I’ll make sure no one bothers you, okay?” Romanov promises, eyes and smile softening.
“Alright, we’ll go.”
And with Rogers’ agreement, they seal their deal.
She thought it would be fun. More so, she thought it would be funny, seeing Steve get embarrassed at seeing himself in old photos and videos. Like the ones that showed his pre-serum self, all skinny and short yet with a heart so big that it seemed impossible to fit in his body. Or the short film that caught sight of the picture of Peggy he had glued to his compass, the very same that he still had and carried with himself.
Natasha got a glimpse of it while they were watching the video of an interview Peggy gave not long after the war was over, talking about the events that took place then and what it was like being able to fight alongside Captain America. However, when she realized how long he stood in front of the Sergeant James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes section, she knew it wasn’t funny at all.
In that small smile, which held so many different feelings struggling to overtake one another, she saw happiness, grief, and longing. Such a deep longing that she never saw him show before. Not even when he talked about Peggy.
If only he knew back then that someday, not long after he visited, Bucky would be standing right where he stood, looking in wonderment and with nostalgic confusion at the same footage he saw.