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Laughter was floating all around her, light and airy and entirely girlish and making Lottie feel too much like a child than she was prepared for. Van’s smile was so bright that you almost forgot about the ugly scar that marred her face; Shauna so punch-drunk that all of the sadness that hid behind her eyes vanished. It was all so foreign, this happiness, this freedom to simply be, that it made Lottie’s stomach turn.
Her entire world, the one she had so carefully crafted and urged to grow and flourish, had been flipped on its axis when the Yellowjackets arrived, and she couldn’t quite find her footing anymore. Suddenly, she was Lottie again. Not the regal, somewhat aloof princess she had coined herself as in her later years. Just Lottie. And it felt good.
So here she was, watching her childhood friends giggle and gossip like they hadn’t a care in the world. Like there wasn’t a darkness that pulled at them around every corner. Like death didn’t follow them wherever they went. Like the Woods had just been that: woods. Nothing more and nothing less.
And she couldn’t help but let herself be pulled into the circle, Nat’s hand soft against hers, and laugh with them.
It wasn’t long before Shauna was tripping over herself and Misty was chattering more animatedly than usual. Lottie watched as Van pulled a blanket off of the couch and wrapped it around Taissa’s shoulders, pulling her down to the floor so they could cuddle up against one another. The sight warmed Lottie’s heart, and she couldn’t help but hold Nat’s hand a little tighter in her own.
“What’s up?” Nat asked quietly, her voice rough and worn and oh so familiar.
Lottie looked down at her, drinking in the sight of her tired brown eyes and the way her bangs fell into her face when she tilted her head. “Nothing,” she replied softly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She glanced at Van and Tai again and her heart lurched. “Can we sit?”
Natalie looked somewhat surprised, but nodded nonetheless. “Yeah. Yeah, sure. Whatever you want, Lot.” And she sank to her knees, dragging Lottie down with her, never letting go of her hand once. “Okay?”
Lottie scooted closer to Nat so that their thighs were touching and nodded.
“Comfortable over there, you two?” Van asked loudly, gathering the attention of the room at large.
“Look who’s talking,” Nat retorted as Lottie buried her face in Nat’s shoulder. She didn’t want to look anyone, least of all Vanessa Palmer, in the eye and have her whole soul on display. “Let’s keep those hands on top of the blanket, hm?”
Shauna, who had been trying to hide her laughter, immediately pulled her hands out from her pockets and set them on her head. Her whole body shook with the force of her giggles and she was forced to lean against Misty for support.
Lottie, eyes peeking out from behind the dark curtain of Nat’s hair, smiled. Shauna’s current demeanor was such a drastic change from just a few hours ago that maybe she should have been worried, but it was just so nice to see her friend smile again that Lottie couldn’t care less about anything else.
“How many drinks have you had , Shauna?” Taissa asked, frowning as she watched the shorter brunette plop down on the floor next to Misty.
Shauna just shrugged. “I have no idea.” She held up the beer bottle in her hand. “This is empty though.”
“Ooh!” Misty chimed in, hazel eyes alight with something the rest of the team had come to realize meant danger. “We should play spin the bottle!”
Almost immediately, there was an uproar of discontent from everyone else. “That’s so childish, Misty,” Taissa said dismissively, eyebrows drawn together in disgust. Apparently age had only made her more of a cynic, Lottie thought.
Van rolled her eyes, slouching back to lean on her hands, legs splayed out in front of her. “What are we, thirteen? Come on, Misty.” Ironically, she looked just like she had when she was thirteen, and it made Lottie giggle. “What?” Van asked sharply, looking her way with a frown that was entirely reminiscent of Taissa.
Lottie shook her head, determined not to say anything. But then she saw Van’s scar again, and Misty’s downturned lips, and Shauna’s increasingly darkening doe eyes and she said, “I think that’s a wonderful idea, Misty.”
Van scoffed and Nat barked out a laugh. “Way to turn a conversation around, Lot,” she said approvingly, patting Lottie’s thigh with her free hand and making Lottie shiver. “But what the hell, we’ve got nothing better to do.”
“But-" Tai started.
“Oh, fuck off, Taissa.” Nat rolled her eyes. “Honestly, you get elected into office and suddenly you’re the fucking basis of all fun-stomping monsters. Live a little,” she added, leaning across the circle they had inadvertently made and grabbing the empty bottle from Shauna’s hands.
Lottie watched, entranced, as Nat set it down on the floor in the middle of them and spun it with an expert hand. The bottle spun so fast that it was just a blur of brown, blue and gold for a moment before it slowed and settled on Misty.
Without so much as flinching, Natalie scooted forward and pressed a firm kiss to Misty’s lips. Misty was so unfazed and ready to kiss back so quickly that Lottie had to wonder if they had done something like this before. The thought made something ugly and new rise in her chest, and when Nat sat back next to her, Lottie found herself pressing closer to the brunette protectively.
“Damn,” Van said softly, deeply impressed. “I thought you hated her.”
Nat shrugged, simply saying, “Misty’s not the worst fuck in the world.”
Immediately, everyone shouted and gasped in surprise. “ What?!” Van yelled, slapping Taissa in the process of showing her shock. “Oh, sorry Tai, but what? You two…” she pointed at Misty and Nat and back again. Her voice was a stage whisper when she asked, “You two did it? Together?”
Lottie, her cheeks burning and her heart as heavy as a stone, couldn’t help but shake her head and ask, “When?”
Nat opened her mouth to answer, but Misty beat her to it. “The first time was in October of 2003.”
Pulling a face, Nat turned away from Lottie and back to the blonde. “You kept track? What the fuck?”
Even Taissa was interested now. “Wait, I’m sorry, you did it more than once?”
Ignoring all of the questions that were being thrown at her, Misty just smiled and leaned forward to spin the bottle again. When it landed on Shauna, Misty turned to her, whispered something in her ear, and kissed her chastely on the cheek.
Shauna blushed a deep red, obviously unused to a woman kissing her, even if it was just on the cheek. “T-thanks, Misty,” she stuttered, and Misty grinned triumphantly.
Uninterested, Lottie turned away from the game and instead looked intently at Natalie. “Since when have you fucked Misty Quigley?” She asked, eyes dark as she glared at the woman next to her.
“Why are you so interested?” Nat shot back, annoyed at the pushback she was getting about her sex life. “Since when is who I choose to sleep with any of your business?”
Lottie blinked, taken aback. “It’s not, I just…” Her eyes flickered over Nat’s angry expression, from the way her eyebrows drew together, over the scrunch of her nose, all the way to the purse of her lips. She watched the way that Nat’s long eyelashes fluttered over her cheeks when she blinked, and the way her nostrils flared with each angry breath.
As Lottie noticed all of these details about Natalie, the realization that Misty had seen all of them and more boiled up in the pit of her stomach. It flared across all of the nerves in her body, alighting them in a way she hadn’t felt for decades. And yet, all she could muster out was, “I’m sorry, Natalie. You’re right, it’s none of my business,” instead of everything that she really felt.
Nat stared at Lottie for another moment, as if waiting for Lottie to say something more. When she didn’t, Nat softened. “It’s okay.” She reached back over for Lottie’s hand again, reclaiming it from when she had dropped it to kiss Misty. “For what it’s worth,” she added in a whisper, keeping her gaze on the game in front of them. “She cried afterwards.”
At this information, Lottie choked, her laughter getting caught in her throat and leading her to cough and splutter.
Patting her back, Nat grinned wolfishly.
“You two alright over there?” Van asked, both her and Shauna giving them a worried look.
Lottie nodded, clearing her throat. “Perfect,” she croaked out, tears of joy building up in her eyes.
Van nodded slowly, clearly disbelieving, but let the matter drop in favor of spinning the bottle. “No hard feelings,” she said to Tai as it spun.
Tai just punched her shoulder.
The beer bottle slowed, this time landing on Lottie. Van grinned, her scar stretching across her face in a beautiful, morbid scene. Smacking her hands on the wooden floor below her, the redheaded woman crawled playfully towards Lottie, making a growling noise in the back of her throat.
Trying not to laugh, Lottie meowed back. When Van was close enough, she reached forward to grab Van’s shirt collar with her free hand, tugging her forcefully forward and crashing their lips together.
“Mmph!” Van mumbled, surprised by Lottie’s strength. The brunette had always been stronger than she looked, physically and otherwise. Van used to admire her gracefulness on the field, the way her long legs weaved through everyone else, effortlessly kicking the ball into the opposing net. Lottie could outrun anyone, and Van hadn’t ever seen her lose an arm wrestling match, even against Jeff.
There were hoots and hollers around them, but all seemed muffled when Lottie was kissing her. (Of course, she didn’t even hold a candle to Taissa, but a girl could appreciate Ms. Matthews’s kissing skills nonetheless.)
It was only when Van seriously thought that Lottie was going to use tongue that they pulled apart. “Damn, Matthews,” she said, trying to hide her blush by running a hand nonchalantly through her hair. “When’d you learn to do that ?”
“Oh, you know. Here and there,” Lottie replied, a smirk forming on her lips.
“Hey!” Tai spoke up, glowering. “Keep… that –” she gestured uselessly to Lottie’s frame, “–to yourself!”
Shauna frowned. “Aren’t you married, Tai?”
Tai fumbled and spluttered for a while, causing everyone to erupt into contagious laughter yet again.
“Lottie, it’s your turn,” Misty reminded her after a moment. She was practically bouncing in her seat, ready to see what would come next. It seemed that Nat’s kiss had energized her even more than she already lived day-to-day. The thought made Lottie’s blood start to boil.
Giving the bottle’s neck a sharp twist, Lottie watched as it spun and spun and spun and spun until it finally hit the heel of Shauna’s shoe and landed facing Taissa.
Frowning and not completely sure why she was disappointed, Lottie reluctantly got up and pecked Tai on the lips.
She hadn’t been expecting the other woman to kiss back, but apparently she wanted to get back at Van for making out with Lottie by giving her a taste of her own medicine. Lottie fell forward, landing almost completely on top of Tai as she kissed her fiercely. It was only when Lottie bit down hard on Tai’s bottom lip that they broke apart.
“Ow! She fucking bit me!”
“Don’t fuck her through me, Tai, that’s not fair,” Lottie said softly, earning a guilty look from Tai and a peal of laughter from Nat.
“That was awesome,” Nat said to Lottie when she was back in place next to her.
Lottie just smiled gently at her, settling herself down so that her head was in Nat’s lap and her feet were tucked neatly under Shauna’s knees. It was so natural how Shauna threw her blanket over Lottie’s legs and Nat started to run her fingers through her hair that Lottie could almost believe that this was how it had always been. That there had been plane crashes or blizzards or death or Wilderness at all. That it had always been just like this: female friendship in its purest form.
The rhythmic flickering of the candles scattered around the room coupled with soft laughter and soft scratches along her scalp almost lulled Lottie straight to sleep. Her consciousness swirled with blurry images of the past and present, but, unlike normal, Lottie felt safe enough to let herself fall into dreaming.
What could have been minutes or hours later, Nat’s voice broke through the haze of sleep that had befallen Lottie. “Lot? Hey, Lottie, don’t pass out on me now,” Too tired to speak, Lottie just groaned and pushed her face into the softness of Nat’s leg. “Lottie…” Nat said, her voice strained. “T-That tickles.”
“Tickles?” Shauna asked teasingly, sharing a knowing look with Taissa and Van.
Misty gasped, eyes wide in astonishment. “Is she eat–”
“MISTY!” Nat shouted suddenly, not wanting to hear the end of that sentence. “Shut the fuck up!”
Misty pouted, and Shauna patted her knee in sympathy.
Lottie, now fully awake thanks to Nat’s shouting, grinned into the silky fabric of Nat’s new dress. Lottie had dyed that one herself, but she had decided to keep that detail to herself. “I’m awake,” she mumbled, turning over to look up at Nat’s flushed face. “Is it my turn again already?”
“Mine landed on you,” Shauna said timidly.
Lottie grinned and sat up. “Oh really?” she asked, arching an eyebrow at the shy woman before her.
Shauna nodded, taking a large gulp of the bottle of tequila that had appeared in the time Lottie had been napping. Her large doe eyes were fearful, and she was acting almost like she had never been kissed before.
Lottie smiled gently at Shauna, not wanting to scare her away. Instead, she placed a hand gently on the other woman’s chest, just below her clavicle, and asked, “Can I kiss you, Shauna?”
And when Shauna nodded quickly, Lottie thought she heard Nat suck in a big, frustrated lungful of air. The thought of it only spurred her on, however, and soon, Lottie was pressing her lips gently against Shauna’s. It was very light, just the shiest brush of skin, and yet Shauna’s breath shuddered in her lungs. Lottie was sure that if she looked down, Shauna’s hands would be shaking.
She could hear Misty talking lowly to Van and Tai, but she didn’t care. All that mattered was this moment with Shauna, and helping her through something that had been 42 years coming.
When she pulled away, Lottie saw tears glistening in Shauna’s eyes. “Are you alright?”
Again, Shauna nodded, the movement as slight as a leaf rustling in the wind. She smiled as best she could. “Yes.”
Lottie smiled back, her fingers tapping gently against Shauna’s collarbone. “Good.” Turning back to the group with an air of authority. “I suppose it’s my turn now?” At everyone’s nod, Lottie took hold of the empty beer bottle and spun it once more.
There was a strange sort of anticipation as it spun, everyone watching the blurred movement like a hawk. Lottie could hear Shauna sniffling beside her, Misty’s foot tapping on the wooden floor, and Nat’s breathing in her ear.
Time seemed to slow as the bottle did the same, inching closer and closer to stillness before it finally stopped.
“Oh shit,” Van breathed.
It was pointing directly at Nat.
Lottie’s heart skittered and tripped over itself, her eyes widening in terror.
But, as she looked back at Natalie, Lottie wondered why she was so scared. She had held Nat plenty of times, even given up her blood for the other woman to drink. They had been tied together from the moment they shook hands on the soccer field for the first time. There was nothing more to this than there had been to that handshake.
“You alright there, Matthews?” Natalie asked teasingly, though Lottie could see the flush on her cheeks and the way her eyes wouldn’t meet hers.
“Perfect,” Lottie replied, more calmly than she actually felt.
“Are they actually going to do it?” Shauna asked in a whisper, though everyone could hear her.
Lottie could imagine the way that Taissa and Van shrugged in unison.
Lottie found her eyes once again tracing the details of Natalie’s face. She had always loved the other girl’s eyebrows; they were dark and expressive and could almost overpower her entire face. When her hair had been bleached, her eyebrows had been even more in stark contrast to the rest of her delicate face. So much so that Lottie had had to do a double take every time she looked at her. Now, however, they were drawn together in a scared, pinched expression as she waited for Lottie to move.
Lottie found it endearing.
Carefully, she reached forward and placed the pad of her thumb between Natalie’s eyes, pressing gently to smooth her skin back into its normal place.
Nat breathed out harshly, her eyelids fluttering closed.
Lottie smiled. There was a certain air of peace that overcame Natalie when her eyes were shut. Like all the pain she carried every day was lifted from her shoulders and she could simply be. Uncaring and happy. Like she was a child again.
“I’m going to kiss you now, Natalie,” Lottie said so that no one but Nat could hear.
Nat nodded, eyes still shut.
Frowning, Lottie placed her hand gently on Natalie’s knee. The other woman looked up suddenly, startled, but Lottie just smiled softly and pushed Nat’s knees down and away from her chest. The poor girl was all scrunched up into a tight little ball, frightened by the thought of this game, and Lottie wanted - needed - to help her feel more comfortable. “Better?” she whispered.
Nat nodded again. The corners of her lips twitched, the beginning of a smile.
“Ready?”
“Ready.”
And when Lottie’s lips met Natalie’s, it was like everything restless in her body fell into place. The jitter of her hands ceased, content to rest on Nat’s thighs and waist. Her heart stopped its irregular, impatient pounding in favor of beating gently in time with Natalie’s. Even the loud voices in her head silenced immediately, allowing a heavy fog of pleasure to cloud her mind. All Lottie could focus on was the woman in her arms, and the way Nat’s hands had moved from their place twisting in front of her, to lace in Lottie’s dark hair, pulling gingerly at the base of her neck.
Lottie sighed into the kiss, her entire body wanting to melt into Natalie’s touch. She could feel Nat starting to press against her too, her lips incessant and breath coming in short bursts against her cheek. Lottie pressed back harder, squeezing Nat’s thigh harshly as she moved to kiss her neck. She could feel a noise building up in Nat’s throat as she focused her attention on her pulse-point, and Lottie, not wanting to embarrass Nat anymore than she already was, pulled away just in time to save it from escaping.
She did, however, press one more quick, chaste kiss to Nat’s lips before withdrawing completely.
And as she looked around again, all she saw was a variation of utter shock on everyone’s faces. Van’s mouth was open, her eyes wide and disbelieving. It seemed that for as much as she teased, she hadn’t expected the kiss to actually happen. Or rather, not as intensely as it did. Taissa was in a similar state, though she looked a bit more smug than Van. Shauna was flushed and looking away, apparently trying to keep up some modicum of modesty. Misty was staring at Nat, her chest rising and falling in great heaving breaths. When her tongue came out to wet her lips, Lottie had to look away.
Her eyes landed on Nat then, and all thoughts of Misty’s crush on Nat vanished like a bit of fog on a windy day. Nat’s chest and face were pink, her pupils blown wide like she was high. Her lips were parted as she tried to catch her breath, and her fingers twitched at her side like they were looking for something they couldn’t find. She was staring straight at Lottie too, which wasn’t helping in her endeavor to control her breathing patterns.
“Holy shit,” Van said, echoing her earlier statement. “That was… wow.”
Tai elbowed her hard in the ribs.
“Are you two sure you haven’t, uh, done… that before?” Shauna asked. She gestured lamely in their direction.
“Quite sure,” Lottie said at the same time Nat breathed, “I think I would remember something like that.”
Lottie smirked at her, her fingers moving to catch Natalie’s and squeeze. She liked the feel of Nat’s rough, callused hands in hers. It made the throbbing of the cut on her palm ease in a way that ibuprofen or whatever herby smoothies Lisa made her couldn’t. Natalie was a balm to all of her wounds, physical and emotional, and she didn’t ever want to leave her side again.
So Lottie watched, unfocused, as Van shook her head and stood, insisting that their game was over and that she was feeling a little too sober for anything else. She watched as Tai and Shauna and Misty followed, blankets dragging on the ground as they went to rummage around for more booze. She watched, letting their noises fade away into the background as she zeroed back in on the woman next to her.
Lottie, eyes still watching Shauna as she downed another shot, moved Nat’s hand into her own lap. “Was that alright?” she asked softly, determined to keep their conversation to just her and Nat.
Nat scoffed out a laugh. “More than alright, Lot.”
Finally, Lottie looked at her. She grinned wolfishly. “Better than Misty?”
Natalie just rolled her eyes, head tilting to rest on Lottie’s shoulder. “Did you cry?”
“No.”
“Then way better than Misty fucking Quigley.”
Lottie laughed, the sound echoing through her and clearing out all the rot that festered in her body and mind. She felt lighter than she had in years, with Nat curled up beside her, whispering dirty jokes in her ear and telling her how pretty she was. It was almost like they had never crashed, like they had gone to Nationals and won, and now they were here celebrating. Almost like Jackie was there, giggling with Shauna, and Crystal was still chattering with Misty. Almost like the life the Wilderness took away from them. And Lottie, perhaps for the first time in her life, felt truly, deeply happy to be alive to witness it.