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Anakin’s been quiet. Ahsoka doesn’t blame him. Neither of them are used to being pulled away from the war. It’s been about a week that they’ve both been Temple bound. Ahsoka for classes—and really, how can they think any Padawan is going to want to focus on lessons about the anatomy of a Mon Calamari when there’s a war going on?—and Anakin because they’ve decided that he’d be perfect for teaching Padawans.
Today, he’s in their shared quarters of their shared dorm, fiddling with pieces of a droid.
“Hi,” Ahsoka greets.
Anakin just grunts. “How were classes?”
He doesn’t sound like himself. He hasn’t sounded like himself for awhile. Ahsoka doesn’t comment, just taking a seat next to him, pressing her shoulder into his.
“I want this war to be over,” she said quietly. “It doesn’t even feel like we’re Jedi anymore.”
Anakin nodded. Ahsoka thinks he knows better than her what it’s like to be a Jedi. he was a Padaan before the war began. He was a Padawan when the war began. He’s been fighting it since that very first battle.
He has every right to be tired.
“In my classes, they talk about being peacekeepers,” she went on, when it was clear her master wasn’t in the mood to make conversation on his own. “How we’d travel from planet to planet, soothing debates and helping with problems. But they talk about it like that was thousands of years ago, not…not three.”
Anakin drew in a slow breath. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I know.”
“What was it like?” He grunted. “Being a peacekeeper.”
“Boring.”
She chuckled. The war was definitely exciting. But she thinks she’d much prefer being a peacekeeper to a soldier.
“I think the war suits me better because I have a lot of anger.” The confession has Ahsoka’s eyebrow raising. “Being a peacekeeper was hard because I’d spent nine years as a slave, being beaten down, and the Jedi didn’t really…acknowledge that. So those early days in the war, I…loved it. I loved the reason to give into the anger, even if no one else saw it that way. I was able to hide it from Obi-Wan pretty well. Mostly because there was just so much chaos that neither of us had time to check in on one another or spy on each other’s bond. Now though…”
Ahsoka frowned, straightening up. “Now?” She prompted.
Anakin sighed, tossing the droid piece onto the floor and carding his hands through his hair.
“I feel like I’m on the edge,” he murmured. “And I’m going to fall if I slip up and…I don’t think I can come back from that.”
Ahsoka pressed her lips together. “Master–”
“My anger is different, now, than before,” Anakin replied. “Before, it was venting. It was…well, it was fighting for everyone I left behind on Tatooine who couldn’t fight for themselves. But now, it feels like…like I can’t make it stop. That no matter how hard I try , I’m angry all the time.” He looked over at Ahsoka. “I think…that if I fall…I won’t come back.”
Ahsoka took a deep breath. “Maybe not on your own,” she said slowly. “But don’t think that I’ll turn my back on you just like that.”
“A good Jedi would.”
“I think this war has taught us both that being a ‘good Jedi’ doesn’t mean the same thing as it did before.”
Anakin gave a small smile. “I suppose so,” he agreed. “And admittedly, Snips, I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. Let's say the war ends. Let’s say we win. I don’t think the Jedi will ever become peacekeepers again.”
“I agree,” Ahsoka replied. “But I also think I don’t want to stay, if the Order becomes soldiers for the rest of time.”
“So a deal then.” Anakin held out his hand and Ahsoka firmly took it within her own. “If the war ends and the Jedi do not return to Peacekeepers, we leave.”
“We leave,” Ahsoka agreed. “But more importantly, we stay together.”
This time, Anakin’s smile was a real one. “Deal.”
“And if you start to slip on the edge, I promise that I will be the one to pull you back.”
“I hate you.”
“You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you.”
“No matter how far you fall.”
It is the last conversation she has with Anakin Skywalker before he steps off the edge.