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Jeff yawned as he rappeled the last few feet down the Cliffs of Anguish.
Personally, he thought 'the Cliffs of Anguish' was kind of an exaggeration -- the Cliffs of Mild Inconvenience seemed like a more appropriate name -- but he supposed that evil supervillains had the right to give rock formations whatever overblown moniker they wanted.
However, they didn't have the right to use robot clowns to enslave the people of Wisconsin, and so Jeff had eliminated them all as efficiently as possible.
In between dispatching supervillains, Jeff had also neutralized an entire clown army, fought off a mechanical velociraptor, and scaled the Cliffs of Anguish (twice). With his job well done, he was now really looking forward to swimming back to his submarine and going home to have celebratory sex with his boyfriend.
The sun was setting by the time he made it back to his penthouse, painting the hallway in a warm orange glow, and he paused outside the elevator to check himself over in the polished metal. His jacket had been lost to a stray velociraptor claw but he straightened the collar of his shirt and inspected his dress pants one more time before heading to the door.
(He left his hair messy. Jensen always seemed to enjoy grabbing it while Jeff was balls deep in his ass, and Jeff was nothing if not an attentive boyfriend.)
Turning his key in the lock, Jeff pushed the door open and called, "Hey."
Two things happened.
Unfortunately for Jeff, those two things were not Jensen kissing the holy hell out of him and then dragging him to the bedroom for sex.
The first thing was that Jeff narrowly avoided tripping over a man's body in the hall and the second was that Jensen charged at him, yelling something indecipherable and brandishing a kitchen drawer.
"What-"
He managed to catch Jensen before the drawer could make contact with his head. He grabbed his wrist to send the drawer clattering noisily to the ground and then shoved him back up against the wall with a sigh.
He really liked Jensen. He didn't want to have to leave him tied to a chair while he hunted down whoever was responsible for brainwashing him.
"Hey, hey," he said sharply. "It's me, Jensen. It's Jeff."
Jensen blinked those big pretty eyes of his and then sagged against the wall. "Fuck."
Jeff raised his eyebrows. "Is that a happy fuck or a sad fuck?"
Jensen looked up at him. Between the dirt stain on his shirt, the bruise on his cheek and the thoroughly pathetic expression on his face, he seemed completely miserable as he mumbled, "I had a bad day."
Jeff almost wanted to be annoyed. He'd spent pretty much the entire submarine ride picturing how exactly he wanted to fuck Jensen that night (hard and rough against the wall with a possible second round on the coffee table) but it seemed clear that, unless he'd developed a new kink for bludgeoning his sex partners with parts of a kitchen, Jensen wasn't in the mood.
However, he couldn't summon up anything except painful fondness as he released Jensen and gathered him into a cautious hug. Jensen went willingly, burying his face against Jeff's neck and cuddling him for a long moment before he muttered, "Today sucks."
Jeff suspected that this was a conversation that needed to be had while they were sitting down.
Keeping Jensen close, he picked his way over the unconscious man on the floor and the remains of the kitchen drawer to sink to a seat on their giant purple couch.
(Jeff had protested that one of the world's best special agents should have classier furniture than a giant purple couch. Jensen had pointed out that he'd already used the spy excuse when they were picking out cookware.)
Jensen curled against him like a sleepy puppy, settling over his lap and burrowing into the warmth of Jeff's chest until his breathing evened out.
Unable to see his eyes, Jeff petted Jensen's hair and asked in a stage whisper, "Are you asleep?"
"No." It was said almost sullenly, as if that was a ridiculous proposition, but Jeff smiled when Jensen patted his chest. "You're not allowed to go spying on anything for at least twenty minutes though. I had a shitty day. I need some human interaction."
"Uh huh," Jeff said. "By human interaction, I'm assuming you mean your face interacting with my shirt."
Jensen lifted his head in time for Jeff to see him roll his eyes. He leaned up to kiss him, quick and gentle, and Jeff smiled against his lips at the contact. Saving the world was fun and all, but he did miss Jensen.
"How was your day?" Jensen asked around a yawn. "Were you awesome? You're good at that."
"At being awesome?"
"Yes," Jensen said decisively. "They should rename you Jeffrey Dean Awesome. It should be on your badge. If we ever got married, I would totally take your name if it meant I got to call myself Mr Awesome."
"I like how you've thought this through."
"I need something to do at work in between getting groped by drunk dudes," Jensen said. At Jeff's frown, he waved his hand. "Don't worry about it. I'm good. My bad days are nowhere near as peril-full as your bad days." He wrinkled his nose. "Peril-full isn't a word, is it?"
"Perilous," Jeff filled in easily. As well as being a kickass special agent, he was pretty decent at crossword puzzles. "And hey, I had a good day today so I am here to listen to how much your day sucked."
"You don't need-"
"You can start with telling me who groped you," Jeff said lightly. "Preferably with detailed physical descriptions and/or social security numbers."
Jensen elbowed him. "You're not allowed to kill them. Grabbing a cocktail waiter's ass does not warrant death by Jeff."
"I'm not going to kill them," Jeff said honestly. "I'm just going to give them nasty looks."
Jensen lifted an eyebrow.
"In their homes," Jeff amended. "At night. Maybe while I'm holding a machete."
Jensen laughed. "New rule: no scaring douchebags on my behalf when I'm not there to see it."
"Fine," Jeff relented. "What else happened today? Do I need to hunt down anyone else?"
Jensen shook his head and cuddled closer until his cheek was resting against Jeff's shoulder. "No hunting. I just had a crappy day. I fucked up about five orders; I got groped by some handsy assholes who smelled like they'd been drinking since last weekend; Rogers yelled at me for spilling a whole tray of drinks; and I fell flat on my ass at the roulette table."
Jeff winced in sympathy on Jensen's behalf and gave his ass a gentle pat as he kissed him on the forehead. "I'm sorry, man."
"Then I get home," Jensen continued, apparently on a roll, "and manage to lock myself out like a total fucking moron so I had to go climb that huge creepy tree you like so much." He sighed. "I know you're a spy, man, but there have got to be easier places to hide the spare key."
Jeff maintained that hiding a key in a tree was a valid plan but opted not to argue. Instead he nodded towards the body in the hall and asked lightly, "What happened to him?"
"He wanted to kidnap me," Jensen said, irritated. "Seriously, I had the worst goddamn luck all day and then I finally get back home and open a beer and some fucking jackass shows up, punches me in the face, and tries to take me hostage." He thunked his head against Jeff's shoulder. "I hate everything."
Jeff let himself wallow in a moment of despair that his top-secret hideout had been discovered. Such was the life of a spy, however, and he soon turned his attention to smoothing his hand up and down Jensen's back in soothing strokes.
Jensen gave a happy sigh. "Okay, I take it back. You can stay. I just hate everything else."
Jeff chuckled and craned his neck to kiss the shell of Jensen's ear. "Gee, thank you." He glanced over at the guy on the floor. He didn't recognize him but that didn't mean much; he didn't recognize about forty percent of the people who wanted him dead. "I don't think you even need me, man. You look like you had it under control."
"I hit him with a kitchen drawer," Jensen said unhappily. "There was a whole drawer full of knives and other stabbing implements, and I pulled out the entire drawer and hit him with that. I am not cut out for this."
Jeff made a 'psht' noise and ran his fingers through Jensen's hair, scratching lightly at his scalp as he went. Jensen let out a little rumbly sound, again not unlike a sleepy puppy, and Jeff smiled. He was just glad to have Jensen there in his arms in one piece but happy rumbles were always a nice bonus.
"Sorry I wasn't here to help," he said with another kiss to his forehead.
Jensen gave a tiny shrug. "You're here for the awkward boyfriend hugs. That's way more important." He breathed out slowly against Jeff's shoulder, tucked up snugly across his lap, and Jeff rubbed circles on his back for a long few seconds of silence before Jensen spoke again, "This is weird, isn't it?"
Jeff smirked. "Do you want me to stop?"
"Nope."
Chuckling, Jeff watched Jensen's fingers curl in his shirt, slipping through between the buttons to brush against his chest. He tilted his head to rest his cheek on Jensen's head and said quietly, "So I have a plan. It's an awesome plan which involves us sitting on this ridiculous couch-"
"Hey."
"-on this well-chosen couch and having a beer and watching that godawful vampire show you pretend you aren't addicted too-"
"The mytharc is very compelling, okay."
"-and falling asleep right here. Then you can call in sick tomorrow and we can make sure it's an awesome day to compensate for the shitty one today."
There was a pause while Jensen considered it. "Is there sex tomorrow?"
"As much sex as you want," Jeff promised. Tomorrow would probably be better anyway. The Cliffs of Anguish kind of took it out of a guy. "Deal?"
"Deal." He patted his chest, which Jeff guessed was the sleepy-Jensen equivalent of a handshake, and then reached for the remote with a big yawn. "Godawful vampire time now."
Jeff caught a movement out of the corner of his eye as he turned the television on to godawful vampires doing godawful vampire-type things. Double-checking the safety of his gun was on, he eased it out of its holster and whipped it in the direction of the would-be kidnapper, who was just starting to sit up.
It caught him hard in the temple, knocking him out again, and Jeff made a mental note to cuff him to something before he and Jensen fell asleep for the night.
Jensen made a snuffly sound against his chest and Jeff quickly revised that mental note when he saw that Jensen was already fast asleep in his lap. Kissing him on the head with a fond smile, he settled back on the (embarrassingly comfortable) purple couch and looked over Jensen's head to where the vampires were having a lot of feelings.
Sneakily watching one episode of bad television while his boyfriend snoozed on his lap was totally a legitimate use of Jeff's spy training.