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The stage lights felt hot, and cheers filled the small, underground venue. One might be tempted to call the atmosphere stuffy, even stifling in certain circumstances, but Haruka preferred to think of it as intimate. The four-colored rainbow of penlights felt especially bright with how close the crowd was to the stage. Orange, blue, pink, and aquamarine mingled together, creating a color that was uniquely More More Jump. The lights undulated in waves, punctuated by shouts and yells of love and support.
Haruka loved this.
The song continued, choreography flowing with an ease that came from hundreds of hours of practice. Skirts fluttered in motion, and Haruka couldn’t help but feel uncomfortably aware of it. The makeup caked on Haruka’s face trapped sweat and felt nearly suffocating. Every perfectly curated aspect of their appearances grated on Haruka’s nerves.
He hated this.
Part of him had always strained against the expectations that came with idolhood: the well-tailored facades, the expected perfection, the lies woven through half-truths. He had gone along with it—tolerated it—because it allowed him to do what he loved: spread joy and hope to those who needed it.
For the past few months, though, something new had fought against that love. Putting on his idol outfits made his skin crawl. Fans in handshake lines calling him “cute” or “beautiful” made him sick to his stomach (beyond the dull uncomfortableness that had always accompanied such comments from strangers). At first he tried to play it off as the normal issues, just more pronounced. Then those feelings started spilling over to his everyday life. The very idea of femininity—especially the caricatured femininity that came with being an idol—repulsed him.
Haruka didn’t want to be a girl. More than that.
He wasn’t a girl.
That revelation had helped. The first time he’d looked into the mirror and said it, a weight had lifted from his heart.
No one else knew yet. But he knew, and for now, that was enough. Knowing made things easier, even if he couldn’t do much about it yet. (Getting a binder had helped, too, even if he couldn’t wear it at school or during shows.) Knowing made it easier to put on the outfits. Haruka told himself that wasn’t really him out on stage—just another carefully curated facade. He’d been doing that for years. If it allowed him to continue spreading happiness with his friends, he could wear a mask for a few hours.
The song came to an end, and Haruka almost laughed at how effortlessly he’d gotten through it without any conscious thought. He gasped in heavy breaths (thankful he was smart enough not to wear his binder) as the cheers washed over the stage. Every single person he could see wore a smile on their face. It made him smile, too.
More More Jump thanked everyone for coming and exited the stage. Haruka heaved a mental sigh of relief that this event didn’t include a post-show handshake line; his nerves were running a bit thin.
The first thing Haruka did once they got back to the changing room was get the makeup off. Each wipe removed some of the mask, and a knot of tension went along with it. The others chatted away, filling the air with background noise he hardly paid attention to.
When the last bit of makeup came off, he looked in the mirror and saw himself. He let out a long, slow breath. His shoulders relaxed. The facade still wasn’t entirely gone, but the rest would have to wait. He stood up from the makeup mirror and flopped onto the couch. The others’ conversation finally filtered into his brain.
“And Minori, you were half a step late on the transition into the bridge,” Airi said, midway through shucking off her outfit. Minori sat next to her, dutifully taking notes.
“Oh c’mon, Airi, save the feedback for practice tomorrow,” Haruka said. “Besides, you’re just nitpicking at this point. She did great.” He met Airi’s light scowl with an easy smile.
Airi sighed. “Yeah alright, fine.” She looked at Minori again. “Haruka’s right: You did great. I know you can still do better, but enjoy the feeling of a successful show for today.”
“Oooh, thank you Airi-chan! Haruka-chan!” Haruka’s shoulders tightened at the honorific like always, but he’d gotten good at smiling through it. Minori still didn’t know, so he couldn’t hold it against her.
“You also did wonderfully today, Airi-chan,” Shizuku said, walking over and draping her arms around the other girl’s shoulders. She nuzzled her cheek against the top of Airi’s head. “You were so cute I could barely stop myself from eating you up right there on stage.”
Airi’s face turned bright red. Haruka hid his smile behind his hand. Shizuku and Airi had never outright told Haruka and Minori that they were dating, but it was so obvious even Minori noticed. The two of them looked at each other from across the room, and Haruka let Minori see his smile. She returned one of her own.
The others continued to change while Haruka sat back and waited. The first time he’d done this, he’d played it off as a time to unwind and relax after the show, and they accepted that without question. Conversation flew around the room, laughter and conviviality filling both the space and Haruka’s heart.
When the others finished changing and left the room, Haruka didn’t get up right away. The couch felt entirely too comfy to move. Normally he wouldn’t allow himself such an indulgence, but they had just had a very successful show…. Two minutes. He’d give himself two minutes to sit there and shut his brain off.
Minori had looked so cute on stage. Then again, she always looked cute on stage. Then again, she always looked cute, period. Haruka felt happy that other people were finally catching on to that fact. There had been just as many orange pen lights in the crowd as blue, pink, and aquamarine—a far cry from their earliest concerts. She deserved the attention. People often commented on Haruka’s “idol aura,” but in his opinion, Minori shined brighter than any of them.
His internal timer went off, and Haruka begrudgingly got up to change. The skirt came off, replaced by baggy sweatpants. He retrieved his binder from its spot hidden in the bottom of his bag; jacket, blouse, and bra came off next, replaced by the binder. The pressure against his torso felt good, comforting. He looked in the mirror, and while the reflection looking back still wasn’t quite what he wanted it to be, it was better than before. A smile crept on his face. He grabbed his hoodie to finish changing.
The dressing room door slammed open.
“Haruka-chan! Are you done changing yet?! Airi-chan is telling us to hurry… up….”
His head whipped to the now-open door and found Minori standing there. She was staring. Her mouth hung open. Haruka’s heart leapt up into his throat.
“Minori—”
“My bad!!!” she said, entirely too loudly. She laughed awkwardly. “I should have knocked first! Sorry, take your time!!”
“Wait—”
The door slammed behind her as she bolted out of the room. Haruka’s arm, outstretched as if to stop her, fell to his side. His heart tried to beat out of his chest and through the binder. He took slow, steady breaths trying to fight the growing panic.
M-Maybe everything was fine. Maybe Minori didn’t know what a binder was and just thought it was some kind of sports bra. Maybe her reaction came from seeing Haruka half-naked. (Never mind the fact that they’d been changing in the same room for so long it felt like second nature.) Maybe she….
He slammed his fist against the door. It was no use. There was no way Minori didn’t know now. Sure as hell not the way he had planned on coming out to his best friend. He needed to talk to her before things got out of hand.
Minori didn't make that easy.
When Haruka emerged from the dressing room, the others were waiting for him down the hall. Minori didn't quite look at him when they all said hi. The bus trip home wasn't much better. Minori sat next to Airi and started asking for more feedback on the show. That left Haruka to idly chat with Shizuku. His heart wasn't in it, and he hoped she didn't notice.
Haruka's stop was first. When he got up and said his goodbyes, Minori only looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He tried not to let his smile falter. By the way Minori's brows flinched, it didn't work.
He didn't sleep well that night.
The next day at school passed… strangely. Minori didn't come to visit Haruka before homeroom. She didn't invite him to eat lunch with her. She didn't rush over after the final bell to head to practice together. With a lump in his throat, he made his way up to the roof alone.
The other three were up there already when he arrived. Airi and Shizuku smiled at him, but Minori looked away when their eyes met.
“Alright, now that we're all here, let's stretch,” Airi said, taking the lead like always.
“C'mon Shizuku-chan, let's stretch together!”
Haruka and Airi watched in shock as Minori walked over to the taller girl, all smiles and rainbows. Shizuku, of course, agreed without a second thought. As they started the normal warmup routine, Airi and Haruka looked at each other. Airi shrugged, so they partnered up.
“You two get in a fight or something?” Airi asked as she leaned forward and pulled Haruka over her back.
“…No.”
“Uh huh, sure. Well, anyone with eyes can see she's been avoiding you since the show yesterday, so whatever is going on, please fix it before the next livestream. You know her acting is terrible, and I don't want gossip to start.”
“You make it sound so easy,” Haruka said, swallowing heavily.
“Who said it had to be hard?” Airi let him back down and put a hand on his shoulder. “Just talk to her. You both care about each other too much for something little to get between you.”
Haruka didn't have the heart to tell her it wasn't something little. Instead, he put on his most convincing smile and agreed to try. In reality, Airi was probably right: The two of them needed to talk. Things would only get worse and more awkward if they didn't. The thought scared the hell out of him, but Minori was worth it. He didn't want to lose her.
All things considered, practice went reasonably well. Minori's avoidance didn't hinder anything, so things were fairly productive. After it ended, Minori tried to make a quick exit.
“Minori, wait a moment!” Haruka called out as she reached the door. His friend froze and looked over her shoulder towards him. “Can I have a quick word with you before you go?”
Her eyes widened, and she swallowed hard, but she nodded. He walked over to her, and they both entered the staircase into a moment of privacy.
“W-What did you need?” she asked, her eyes darting everywhere but towards him.
Haruka swallowed down his nervousness. “It's been a while since we hung out, and I was wondering if you wanted to visit a cafe together this weekend. I, um… think we have a few things to talk about.”
Her eyes finally slowed down and settled on a point just next to Haruka's ear. She took a deep breath and nodded.
“Okay, yeah, I think you're right. Maybe the one over by Shizuku-chan's place? They've got a new drink I've wanted to try.”
It was the first normal sentence she'd said to him since The Event, and it did wonders to calm his nerves. “Sure, that sounds good. Thanks, Minori, I'll let you go now.”
“Of course. I'll… see you tomorrow?”
Haruka smiled. “Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.”
The rest of the week crawled by at a snail’s pace. At least things were… marginally less awkward between him and Minori. She still kind of avoided him at school, but it seemed less out of fear than that first day. Sometimes he poked his head into her classroom and found her deep in thought. Maybe Haruka was imagining it, but it seemed like she was also trying to work through her own struggles. (What those struggles were, he could only guess at.) At least practices were relatively normal. She even stretched with him again, though it lacked the bubbly conversations he had come to expect (and enjoy) from her.
By the time Saturday rolled around, Haruka actually felt relieved. No matter how today went, he could breathe easier that the wait was over. He put on a pair of ripped jeans, his binder, a simple white tee, and a vintage army jacket he'd picked up at a thrift store one day. It was one of the most masc outfits he had. Dressing like this to meet Minori scared him a little, but he didn't want any ambiguities.
He arrived at the cafe first, so he picked a table out on the patio that might afford them some privacy. The weather was nice. The late summer heat was mitigated by a cool breeze that hinted at the autumn to come. It gave his mind something to latch onto, something to distract him from the worries that had been swirling around his brain all week.
“Haruka!”
He looked up and found Minori standing next to the table. She wore an absolutely adorable outfit: a peach sweater over a collared shirt, and a white knee-length skirt that fluttered in the breeze. She looked a little out of breath, but her expression was determined (if also a little flustered).
Then his brain caught up to what she'd actually said. Or rather, what she hadn't said. For the first time he could ever remember, she said his name without any honorifics.
“Minori—”
“Um—! B-Before you say anything, I want to say something first. Or rather, I want to ask you something first.” She took a seat at the table. Their knees bumped into each other. She took a deep breath, and for the first time all week, she looked him directly in the eyes.
“Haruka-ch— Haruka…. Would you prefer if I called you ‘Haruka-kun’ from now on?”
Haruka's heart skipped a beat. Maybe several. His breath caught in his throat. Words wouldn't come, so all he could do was nod like an idiot. Minori smiled at him, so bright it nearly blinded him.
“Okay, got it.” She whispered it to herself a few times as if getting used to it, and each ‘Haruka-kun’ that slipped from between those lips shot right through Haruka's heart. When she seemed satisfied, she looked up and smiled at him again. “So what did you want to talk to me about, Haruka-kun?”
It was too much. His brain felt fried. A week of wondering, of worrying, and Minori cut right through it all without even realizing. He needed extra time to completely reorient his thoughts.
“I— Why don't we order our drinks first?”
“Okay!”
They flagged down a waiter and ordered. Haruka decided to ignore his diet just this once and get a super indulgent fruity drink. Minori got the new one she had mentioned before.
The waiter left. Haruka rested his forearms on the table and fidgeted his fingers. Minori sat there waiting patiently. How the hell was someone supposed to have a conversation like this? His hands tightened into fists. Maybe he just needed to go for it.
“So… what would you think if I told you I wasn't a girl?” he asked.
“As in, like, you're a trans guy?” She slapped a hand over her mouth. “Sorry, you could also mean non-binary! I shouldn't assume!”
Her earnest concern almost made Haruka giggle. “You're making this a lot easier than I thought it'd be.” He paused and looked her in the eye. “Yes, I'm trans. I'm a guy. When you walked in on me in the dressing room, you caught me in my binder.”
“I sorta thought that's what that was. It didn't look like the sports bras you used to wear. No wonder your boobs looked a lot smaller lately!” She slapped both hands over her mouth.
This time, Haruka couldn't stop himself from laughing. From almost anyone else, he probably would have been offended by that, but he knew Minori too well to take offense. He laughed so hard and for so long that he barely noticed the waiter deliver their drinks. When he finally calmed down, he wiped a tear from his eye and looked back towards his friend, who sported a bright red blush.
“Yes, that's why my chest has looked smaller lately. I don't wear my binder at school or during shows, but if I don't have it on, I pretty much always wear a sports bra now. It… helps when it doesn't feel so prominent.”
“So if you don't mind me asking, how long have you known you felt this way?” she asked, blush subsiding.
“I really admitted it to myself a few months ago. Probably felt it a lot longer and tried to play it off as something else.”
He watched as she started to say something before stopping herself. She turned thoughtful for a moment.
“It probably didn't happen exactly how you wanted it to, but thank you for telling me, Haruka-kun.”
Again, hearing that honorific from her mouth made his heart flutter.
“You're taking this a lot better than I expected,” he said, trying to make it sound lighthearted. “I figured it'd be super weird for you. I mean, you've followed me since my ASRUN days, and we've been idols together for so long….”
“I guess it just kinda makes sense? Like, it feels very you!” She smiled at him, and the whole world became that smile. Then she saw the question on his face. “Ah, how to explain it….
“It's like a bunch of things I knew about Haruka-kun slotted into place.” She looked down at her drink. “It did kinda surprise me at first, so I tried to run away and think about it. And the more I thought, the more I realized something.” She looked back up at him.
“Rather than this being a new Haruka-kun, it's more like I'm really seeing him for the first time. The Haruka I've known this entire time is finally all here, like the last piece got added and he's whole at last. And that makes me really happy!”
Tears slid down Haruka's cheek and landed on the table. His breaths came in ragged gasps. He tried to wipe the tears away, but they wouldn't stop. A week of active worry and months of general fear and apprehension melted away in the face of Minori's words. Minori's concerned expression looked blurry through the tears.
“Haruka-ch— Haruka-kun?! What's wrong? Is it something I said?”
He nodded. “It is, but not in a bad way, I promise. I'm just… I'm so happy.” He pushed through the tears long enough to smile at her, trying to put every ounce of appreciation into that one expression. “Thank you, Minori. Thank you so much.”
She reached across the table, took his hands, and let him cry.
Some time later, Haruka took a long, steady breath. The tears had dried. Minori still held his hands.
“Sorry about that,” he said as the embarrassment caught up to him. Normally he kept a better hold of his emotions. “I, uh, didn't expect that to hit me so hard.”
“Please don't apologize, Haruka-kun!” she said, squeezing his hands. “Everyone needs to cry sometimes! I'm honored you feel comfortable enough to cry around me.”
“There's no one I feel more comfortable around.” The words slipped out, unintended but not untrue. They shared a smile.
With the air cleared between them and the cat out of the bag, the rest of the afternoon felt normal. It felt like any number of afternoons they had spent together. More than once, she called him handsome, and every time she did, his heart skipped a beat. No one had ever called him that before… at least not in the way she did.
As the sun set and the day came to an end, he walked her home. It felt like the right thing to do. She gave him a goodbye hug. It was nowhere near their first hug, but this one felt different.
Haruka smiled all the way home. He smiled as he crawled into bed and saw a goodnight text from Minori. He smiled as he fell asleep, feeling lighter than he had in his entire life.
For the first time, he felt whole.