Archive of Our Own ^beta

Saki Tenma was not an ordinary girl, that is for sure. She was ill. That was the biggest thing you could see. Her body was weak. Never allowing her to live life like she always dreamed of doing, but to sit inside a hospital every week, getting new blood tests and medication to prevent an unknown illness from getting to her frail, weak body. 

Saki never stopped smiling though. Because she did not want her friends to think that this life she was living was hell. She never wanted them to know just how badly she wanted to be dead. Rather not live than live in her weak body. She hated it so much. Nothing could stop her from hating it. 

When she finally got out of the hospital after so many years, she noticed how alien this world became to her. Her brother was going through something, she could sense it. Her friends did not even talk with each other anymore, and everything was… different. Not at all how Saki left it. 

That was when the feeling was the worst. Saki could not sleep because of the emotion. That sick, devastating feeling of wanting to disappear. To die. To be anywhere but on Earth. Anywhere else than in her body that was slowly dying without ever getting better. She used to dream of the worlds her brother made up where princesses and faeries and flying horses were real and alive. Where they all lived in harmony together and everything was perfect. She dreamed of going there one day. Leaving this place behind and finally being able to rest. 

But then, things started getting better. Her old friend group became the band she is in now. Leo/Need. Her brother found a  troupe called Wonderlands x Showtime that makes shows for the nearby amusement park. Everything seemed to get better.

Everything but Saki’s health. 

Though she never stopped smiling. 

Saki was walking home from practice. Alone. She normally walks alone. Even if it is kind of depressing, she tries to see its good side and try to make everything worthwhile. But this time, she could not. All the memories of the hospital were in her head. All the tests. All the lonely nights. All of it. And she could not shake it off. 

Saki got home to an empty house. All lights were out. Everything was dark. She felt even more lonely. The blonde took off her shoes and went to her room. 

Somehow, she could feel the light in her eyes fade into nothingness. 

She felt her body go weak. Something is not right. But she could hide it. It seemed to only really come whenever she thought of the lonely times in the hospital. Or the faces of her parents. Or knowing how lonely Tsukasa must have felt in his childhood. Nothing was right. They were supposed to be happy. But she was not. 

Saki could not help but fall onto her bed and fall asleep. 

–

“SAKIIIIIII!! I’M HOMEEEEEE!!!” 

Saki woke up to hearing her brother scream downstairs. She looked at the time. It was around 7:30. She quickly brushed away a sleepy numb feeling and plastered on a big warm smile. “Welcome home, big brother!” She rushed downstairs and almost fell on the first step from still being half asleep. 

Tsukasa of course saw this and made a terrified face. “Saki! I know you’re excited but please be careful!” 

Saki just laughed. It was so forced she hoped Tsukasa could not hear it. “I’m sorry big brother, I’ll make sure to be very careful next time!” 

Unfortunately for Saki, Tsukasa could see through her forced laugh. He walked closer to her and hugged her. “Saki, you know you don’t have to lie about being happy when you’re around me right? What’s wrong?” 

Saki wanted to tell her big brother so badly. She wanted to just be able to tell him everything. But it was too much to bear. He would not understand. If she could not understand it, how could anyone else? And so, she just smiles at Tsukasa. “I’m fine, big brother, I promise.” She lets go of the hug and gives a reassuring smile before changing the topic to a new café Ichika-san found. 

Tsukasa insisted they would watch a movie, even if Saki said she was fine. So they watched Inside Out . Tsukasa insisted on it, saying it was his favorite movie when Saki knew for sure his favorite movie was Narnia . They watched it anyways. Saki did not quite watch, more had it as background noise while thinking. 

Saki has lived most of her life up to this point in hospitals. In and out of them. Since she was around ten years old. She could not imagine how lonely Tsukasa must have felt. Having a sister but never being able to play with her. And him feeling like he had to master the piano just to make her happy. Tsukasa’s parents were never home because they were too busy with Saki in the hospital. All of it must have been hell for him. Probably ten times worse than what she has gone through. All that she has gone through have been tests over tests over tests and having to stay in a white hospital room. But she had her parents that were always there for her. And her brother who loved her much more than anyone else. She was not lonely. Not like the textbook definition. 

But she did not have any friends at that time. All of her friends barely visited her. The only one that seemed to try was Ichika-san. The others seemed to just– not care about her. And it seemed to be just that. They all stopped being friends when middle school hit and Saki never knew. Well, she knew they were never there, but Ichika-san kept telling lies to make her happy. Though the lies did not quite do what they were supposed to. It just made Saki feel even more useless. Like she was invisible. It did not matter if she was alive or not. 

Saki was no stranger to intrusive thoughts like hurting herself or hoping that sickness would just kill her at this point. She was no stranger to crying alone in her hospital room at night when no one was there. She was no stranger to sneaking something sharp like scissors into her room and threatening herself. But she never did. Too scared of anyone ever seeing it and blaming themselves for it. Especially Tsukasa. She did not want anyone ever to blame themselves for her feeling like this. It was not their fault. Ever. It was all the fault of her immune system. 

“Saki?” Saki’s thoughts were cut short by Tsukasa’s weirdly quiet voice. “Are you alright? The movie ended already…” 

Saki looked back at Tsukasa’s worried face quizzically, as if wondering if the boy was telling the truth. She then turned it into a sheepish smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired, haha.” Tsukasa did not seem too convinced, but let her go anyway. And so, Saki went up to her room. 

When the blonde closed her door, she let out a sigh. A very big deep sigh. Her feet felt weak and she let herself slowly fall on the carpeted floor beneath her. She looked down at the ground for a while. Is she ever going to be able to even make it to twenty? She will never know. Only time will tell. But at this point, time felt to go so slowly. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion, but also fast at the same time. She did not even realize she used all the time of the movie just… thinking, remembering. It was not like her. She knew this. But she could not stop either. 

Saki looked out her window. The stars were out. She could not see the stars that much in their home because the city lights were always in the way. 

The stars… 

Oh. 

She knows where she can go. Where no one would find her. Where she can just be. 

–

Saki opened her eyes again to see the oh-so-familiar classroom SEKAI. She smiled. Actually smiled. She can explore the school and possibly find a place where no one can find her. Not even the VOCALOIDs. She could see what it feels like to be completely alone. To be gone. Just like she always wanted. 

Saki quickly walked away from the classroom they always get teleported to, and booked it towards the downwards going stairs. If the SEKAI was made from all of the four’s feelings combined, there must be a place only for her, right? And so the blonde started going down the stairs. 

She got to the lower floor and started looking through classrooms. Most classrooms looked the same as the one she got teleported to. Just had different school things in them. There was also a broadcasting room. She could hide there. At least it would be dark and no one would think she would go there in the first place. But Saki kept going. 

On the next floor, she found some more same-looking classrooms, but also a few clubrooms. She must be on the first floor now. Otherwise, this school building had a very weird design. There was a cooking, theatre, band, gaming, and even arts and crafts clubroom. They seemed to have everything the girls were interested in. That was not very new or surprising, seeing the SEKAI was made from their feelings. 

Saki walked a little bit further down the halls to find an infirmary. She opened the doors to find her exact hospital room. Everything was the same. The bed, the curtains, the little stuffed bunny next to her hospital bed on the very small yet tidy nightstand. A glass of water sat on the edge of the nightstand, and some of her favorite flowers, dogwood flowers, were in a vase in the middle of it. Even the smell was the same. Very faint hand sanitizer with the scent of fresh plastic gloves. 

Saki’s face turned into fear. Suddenly, she was back in the hospital. She saw how a smaller version of her was getting a new shot of some sort of vaccine. A name too complex for anyone to remember. She was then given the glass of water from the nightstand and five different small white pills. The doctors are all saying things no child should ever hear from someone who should make you feel better. She might never become better. If this doesn’t work we’re giving you six pills okay? Better eat these or you might go sleep forever, and we don’t want that, hmm?  

No, no, no, NO! Saki violently shook her head. She fell on the wall beside her, suddenly her legs so weak she could not stand. She closes her eyes shut tight. She slams her fist on her head. Stop it, stop it, STOP IT! Saki fell to the ground. Too panicked to notice how much the tiles hurt her knees. She was crying. She could not stop herself from screaming. Screaming for help. Screaming for anyone. She did not want to be alone. She did not. She just wanted to be normal. Do normal kid things. Go play outside with the other kids. Pet cute fluffy cats. Hold her best friend's hand. Eat different kinds of food. She wanted to do so much that her paranoid parents did not let her do. 

But no one was there. 

After what felt like hours of screaming and crying on the floor, she finally opened her eyes again. The infirmary still looked the same. Nothing changed. But somehow, it felt like she had no choice but to stay here. As the doctors said, she will never get better. She will be stuck in this white hospital room forever. No matter how much she tries to run away from it. 

Saki felt hysterical. She was still crying but also smiling. This was the end. This is what she will be forever. A sick little girl who just wanted a normal life. Someone his brother cannot fix with any theatrics. Someone Ichika-san cannot resolve by lying. Someone no one can fix. She will always have a frail body. And she will eventually die of it. 

Saki walks towards the window and looks at the void of scenery she sees. No ground. Only stars. Stars that she had always dreamed of exploring. Stars that she had always dreamed of watching until they eventually disappeared when the sun came out. 

She looks at the infirmary door. She walks over and closes herself off from everyone. 

–

Ichika opened her phone the next morning to a very confusing and worrying text from Tsukasa-san.

Tenma Tsukasa:

Hey, did Saki maybe come to yours early or something? I can’t find her in the house. 

Hoshino Ichika:

No, I haven’t seen her... Maybe she just left and you missed her? 

I’ll text you back in 5 mins. I just woke up. 

Just the way Tsukasa-san had texted her in the early times of the morning made Ichika worried. Where would Saki be? She did not normally leave this early unless she had something to tell Ichika only. She quickly put on her uniform and brushed her hair. While she did so, she could not stop thinking about Saki… She wondered, what could have happened. Nothing seemed to be wrong, she did not seem ill, and she did not even seem to sulk at all like she sometimes did when it was a day she was supposed to go to the hospital for checkups. 

Ichika looked outside her window. It was right on top of their front door, but there was no one. She decided to try and think of a logical explanation and went to get some breakfast. She quickly texted the leo/need group chat. 

Hoshino Ichika:

Saki where are you? Your brother is worried sick!

She waited for a while for a response, leaving her phone on the kitchen counter while making some toast. When she came back, there was no answer from Saki. 

Mochizuki Honami:

Saki? Are you alright? 

Hinomori Shiho:

I haven’t seen her either… Saki where are you? 

Ichika started to worry even more. Saki always responds immediately or after 5 minutes. She has always been obsessed with her phone. Saki also always charges her phone whenever she can, so there was no way it was dead. That meant she was either knowingly ignoring them, or… 

Hoshino Ichika:

Meet me in SEKAI 

Ichika took her school bag into her hand and pressed the song named ‘needLe’. A white light blinded her and she was teleported to the classroom SEKAI. Little triangles float away and disappear next to her. There was no one greeting her there. Huh, that was strange… There’s normally someone here at around this time. 

Not too long after, Honami and Shiho arrived. They looked as worried as Ichika. Nothing was different in the SEKAI. Everything looked the same. Except… 

“Hey, aren’t the phenny plushies… I don’t know… Grayer?” Shiho pointed at the phenny plushies by the window. And she was right. They were somehow more gray than normal. One of them even seemed to be a little broken. Stuffing coming out from the side. Honami walked closer to them and took the broken one in her hands. She was checking the plush and seeing if it can still be fixed. 

Ichika looked around again. Nothing else seemed to be wrong. It looked normal otherwise. Nothing extraordinary. 

“Shouldn’t you all be getting ready for school?” 

The three girls turned around to see Luka leaning on the door. She had a worried face on. 

“Have you seen Saki around?” Ichika asked probably too quickly and too hastily, since Luka’s worried face turned even more worried at the question. 

“No, is something the matter?” 

“She’s missing,” Shiho said. “Ichika got a worried text from her brother about her not being home and she hasn’t gone by Ichika’s place so we thought this was the only other place she could be.” 

Luka was in thought for a second before getting a small light in her eyes. “Maybe Miku knows something. She is tuned into your feelings, maybe she can give us a hint.” The three girls walked with Luka to a different classroom on the same floor. It seemed to be on the other side of the school. When they got there, they found Miku practicing guitar. She looked up to smile at the others. 

“Hey everyone! What’s up?” 

“Do you know if Saki is here?” Ichika asked. She was worried. Oh, so worried. 

Miku looked at them for a while, her smile fading a little. She looked down. Her smile was gone entirely. 

“Miku,” Luka asked again. “Do you know anything about Saki?” 

Miku did not look up. She sighed. “Yes. She is here. But I don’t know if she wants anyone around right now. I mean, she did venture into the other levels of the school without telling anyone. Even me.” 

“What’s in the other levels, Miku?” Ichika asked. 

“It’s nothing dangerous, but it does hold everything about your lives. Your hobbies, what you like, what you dislike, even what you had to go through.” Miku put the guitar back on the wall. Still not looking at the others. “I’m guessing she found her room since I can feel a sense of despair.” 

“We should try to find her! She needs us!” Honami shouted. She was getting stressed now. What was all of this? Does this mean everyone has a room in this school from their own memories? She did not understand. 

Miku looked hesitant. Like she was not telling them something, but she kept it a secret. She walked over and took Luka’s hand. “I’ll lead you to where I think she’d be.” 

The three girls quickly walked over and followed Miku. 

After around five minutes of walking and going down two stairs, they got to what appeared to be the first floor of the school. It had all sorts of clubrooms and some posters from actual plays the girls were in or actual posters the girls once made for the school. It was kind of creepy to walk there. Miku suddenly stopped at a door. The infirmary. 

Miku looked back at the girls with a pitiful expression before opening the door. 

The girls looked inside. 

The inside of the infirmary resembled that of a hospital room. And Saki was sitting on the bed, looking out from the window next to the bed. She did not seem to notice people coming into the room. 

Honami and Shiho did not seem to understand, but Ichika did. This was Saki’s hospital room they were standing in. An exact copy. Everything was the same. Ichika wanted to cry for Saki. 

“Why are you here? Don’t you understand? I want to be alone.” Saki did not look behind her, only down at her hands. Her voice was raspy and high-pitched. She must have been crying. Ichika does not know if she should go closer or stay at the door. She never saw Saki like this. Saki was a happy person. Someone who was optimistic about everything. Sure she was hiding something about her past, some sort of pain, but she never let it get her down. So why was she like this? What happened?

“Saki,” Ichika could not think of anything to say. “Your brother is worried sick-” 

“Is he really?” There was a bitter sound in her normally sweet voice. “Or is he just tired of being alone all the time?” 

“Saki what is this? Why are you upset?!” Shiho wanted answers. Nothing made sense. Saki looked to the side, but not enough to see the others. Ichika could see a bittersweet smile on her face. There were tear tracks on her face. 

“Miku, I don’t want them here.” Saki turns around, fully this time. Her eyes lacked any sort of light in them. They were empty. She tilted her head to the side and gave her heartwarming smile. It did not seem forced, but it had to be. Was she so good at hiding her emotions? “Please escort them out, thank you.” Her bubbly voice was back. She sounded so, fine. Like she was okay all this time. What was going on? 

Suddenly Miku seemed somehow tense. She looked at her hands. 

“Miku, don’t.” Luka seemed serious. Like something bad was going to happen soon. 

Miku sighed. “What did I say? She doesn’t want us here. Let’s just go…” Miku turned around and took Luka’s hand. 

“NO!” Ichika screamed, startling everyone but Saki and Miku. “Saki, I’m not leaving your side until I know you’re okay!” Ichika felt like crying. Why did Saki not want them there? She hated being alone, right? Why was she suddenly so okay with being alone? Especially somewhere where she could never be found by her parents or brother. And somewhere where she was in her memories. What was going on? 

“But Ichi,” Saki’s voice did not waver. It was still the same bubbly voice she loved. The voice that would never fail to make her smile. “I am okay, see?” She put her index finger on her cheek and gave the biggest smile. “I’m smiling!” 

“STOP LYING!” Ichika moved over to Saki, taking her hands to her chest. “Saki, tell us what’s wrong, please.” She looked down. “Please.” Her voice broke. 

Saki’s smile faded as quickly as it came. Her eyes were lightless again. “Miku,” Ichika looked up, horrified. “Can you make Ichi go to school? It’s starting soon anyways.” Ichika’s eyes widened and she shook her head. Why was Saki like this? Did she do something? Miku started walking towards Ichika and Saki. 

“I’m sorry, Ichika. But I have to do what you ask of me.” Ichika plead, watching as Miku raised her hand and touched her shoulder. The last thing Ichika saw before everything went white was Honami, Shiho, and Luka, terrified, and Miku looking apologetic. She looked back to see Saki one more time. She looked almost dead. 

The others looked terrified when Ichika disappeared at the hands of Miku. No one knew she was able to do that. How did Saki know? Did she even know? Honami was the first one to rush toward Saki. 

“Saki?! What’s wrong?! Please tell us!” She begged, but Saki’s face did not change. It stayed the same. She looked so tired. Like she has been hiding this for a while. Saki looked at Miku. That seemed to give enough of what she wanted because Miku went and touched Honami’s shoulder. She disappeared as well. But made sure to shake Saki before she disappeared. To see if she was there. 

Shiho did not even have to do anything. She did not do anything anyways. She knew she would be the next to go, so she just looked at Saki with a pained expression. “Just know we’ll try to get to you again no matter what.” And like that, Miku touched her shoulder too, and they all disappeared. 

–

Ichika adjusted her eyes to the kitchen light. She was lucky her parents were not there at the time. She looked at the time and saw she was almost late for school. 

Hinomori Shiho:

Guys what’s going on? 

Hoshino Ichika:

Idk, but let’s talk more at school? 

Mochizuki Honami:

We need to find a way to get to Saki somehow immediately, her brother must be worried sick!

What do we even tell him?!

Ichika forgot for a second over Tsukasa-san. She has to think of something. She was going to text him after five minutes. 

Hoshino Ichika:

I haven’t seen Saki around yet… She might already be at school

Tenma Tsukasa:

Please find her, she was being very odd yesterday and I can’t shake the feeling that something’s in her mind right now… 

Ichika wanted to tell everything to Tsukasa-san. But she was scared she was not allowed to since no one was supposed to know of the SEKAI. She locked her phone and went to school. 

While going to school, Ichika’s mind was racing. She did not know what to do. She was the leader. She was supposed to know how to help her friends. She was supposed to know how to get them all together again. Why did she feel so useless right now? 

She got to school and found Honami and Shiho waiting at the entrance, both looking very worried. Ichika caught up to them and joined the worried look. Honami seemed to be the most in stress. She was mumbling something about not being there for Saki enough under her breath while Shiho was trying to calm her down. It did not seem to work. 

“Hey, it’s not your fault. We all thought she was fine. You saw how she put on her normal smile there right?” Ichika tried to comfort Honami but felt like it would not work. Fortunately for Ichika, it did, sort of. 

“Yeah, you’re right. None of us knew how she was feeling…” Honami echoed out. She took a big breath and wiped off a few near tears. 

The bell started ringing for the students to go inside and so the trio had to leave for classes. But they did promise to sit together at lunch to think of more ideas. They all wanted to get Saki out today. Not knowing what would happen if they let it go on any longer. And also for Tsukasa-san’s sake. 

The lessons felt like they were going slower than a sloth. Every sixty seconds felt like an hour and every time the teacher stopped talking to take a breather felt like an eternity for the three girls. Saki could have been disappearing right at that second and the three would not have known. Everything just felt so slow . Ichika could not concentrate at all. The only thing on her mind was trying to think of an excuse for Tsukasa-san if they did not get Saki out today and of course some ideas on how to talk to Saki. 

After around four hours of classes and small breaks, the lunch bell finally rang. Ichika almost ran out of the classroom and went to find the other two girls. She found them walking out of class with grim faces. She took their hands and ran to a secluded lunch table at the school.

“Okay, what’s the plan?” Ichika said out of breath. She looked at her phone and thought about the SEKAI. Maybe they could get Luka to show herself if Miku did not somehow get her into this mess as well. 

“I don’t know! I couldn’t think of anything!” Honami sighed. She seemed like she was about to cry. “I just hope Saki is okay.” 

The group went silent after that. No one could have thought of a good plan. Nothing seemed to help enough. Their tries were useless. 

“Ichika,” Shiho started out of nowhere. Ichika looked up at her with hopeful eyes. Did Shiho have a plan? Something that could help? Maybe she heard something about why Saki was like this. Maybe- “I think it’s best if you go to the SEKAI and talk to Saki. Alone.” 

Ichika’s face frowned a little. Was that seriously her only plan? But there had to be a better way. Sure, Ichika had thought about that herself but did not deem it as good enough. She does not even know if it would help. It might not to be honest. Ichika looks at Honami. Hoping that the other girl had an idea. But she just looked at her like it made sense. Like this was going to work, but still being skeptical. 

“Ichika, you’re our only hope. She seemed like she still told the truth to you! You were the one to walk over to her. To show her we were there. You also know much more about her time in the hospital, so you’re the only one who can help her. Especially since her brother is out of the question…” Shiho seemed determined. This was the thing she was thinking of all this time and will solve everything that was ever wrong. Ichika was not very on board though. 

The three concluded that Ichika was the one to talk to Saki and try and get her out. This was going to be hard, but she tried to stay hopeful. She was going to go back after school has ended. So that no one would go look for her as well. It was going to go great, she told herself. Everything was going to be okay and she will get Saki back. No hesitation. 

–

Saki was tired. 

The blonde was looking through the window with no light in her eyes. Just emptiness. She felt numb. Like she was already dead. Nothing mattered anymore. She should have disappeared earlier already, she thought. Then she would have never had to act so happy and positive all the time. She could have been able to process her trauma and not hide it. She could have already been another person. Someone that was not chronically ill. 

Saki squeezed the plush bunny’s paw that was now on the girl's lap. The soft fur of the plush calmed her down. Or at least made her feel less alone. Sure, she might have wanted to be alone, but not completely. It will always hurt when she’ll see the others. That gaping feeling of loneliness. It started in the hospital. She was seeing people from outside the hospital window almost every day just walking and talking to each other. They probably do not know how much that means to them. How privileged they are to have friends. Friends that want to see you. Friends who come and visit you. But of course, they would not know that. They were never alone.

She takes a deep breath. She wonders if the others ever wanted her to come back. If the others ever thought that she would get out of the hospital. Maybe they thought she would die before she even got back to school. She wonders if they ever thought over if they would come to her funeral. How old would they be? 

“Saki…” A very familiar voice called out. Saki kind of wished she would never hear that voice ever again. She heard the dark blue-haired girl walk closer. 

“I told you already, I want to be alone.” Saki does not even think of looking at Ichika. She feels the other girl sit next to her on the bed and she looks the other way. 

“Do you really want to be alone though?” Ichika asks. “Or is that just what your brain tells you?” Saki’s body tenses up. How did she know? How did Ichika know about this? Saki still does not look at her though. 

Ichika feels helpless, but at least she knows why Saki is acting strange. A little. Her brain seems to have been telling her things that were not true and throwing intrusive thoughts at her for who knows how long until Saki snapped. And this is what happened. Ichika sat down on the bed. 

“Saki, I want you to know that whatever your brain has told you about us, it’s not true. And whatever you went through, it’s something you should’ve told us instead of keeping it in. You’re loved. By your brother, by Touya, by your parents, by us. You can’t hide and think people won’t notice. We do. Because we seriously care about you and we don’t want you gone. Please, whatever you believe, believe what I just told you.” 

“But what if I don’t want to believe you?” 

Silence. 

“Do you not want to believe me?” 

Saki did not answer. Her shoulders tensed and after a while, Ichika saw the Saki’s hand going to her face. Saki was crying. When did she become this good at silent crying? Ichika did not think about it more than that and hugged Saki from the back. Holding her gently, like if she held her any tighter she would shrivel into dust. Then she said, “You know, it’s okay to cry. You don’t have to be silent about it.” 

And just like that, Saki started crying. Really crying. She was close to a breakdown if not in one. Ichika did not say anything about it though. Just held her close, not letting go. Refusing to let go until the other was okay. Until the other would come back. Ichika played with one of Saki’s ponytails to try and soothe her a little bit. She did not know if this worked. It felt like it was though. 

After a while, Saki finally faced Ichika. The blonde did not look the other in the eyes quite yet. It was hard. It felt like Ichika’s eyes were two suns, and if she looked into them too long, she would become blind. Ichika did not seem to mind though. The dark-haired girl took Saki’s hands. “Do you want to talk about it, Saki?” 

Saki could not find her words for a while. Ichika waited. When Saki did not know how to start, she let herself slouch on Ichika’s body. This was a good enough sign for Ichika to understand. “Do you want to tell me first when these thoughts started?” 

“I feel like they started ever since I first saw Tsukasa’s mask slip.” Saki wiped off some of the already-dried tears off her cheeks. “He seemed so… sad. And after a few minutes I just… the only logical explanation was that I was the reason.” 

And like that, Saki told Ichika all about her thoughts. Everything about it. Ichika listened and tried to help Saki find her words when she could not find them. It all felt so warm. Like they were together in a blanket inside a pillow fort at night. Just doing what dumb teenagers do. Saki would have liked it if she were not such a mess at that point. 

After Saki told Ichika everything. They hugged. They hugged for a while. Ichika was the first to leave the hug to look at Saki’s tired eyes. The girl did not seem to get much sleep on the last day. “Are you ready to go back home? I can always drop by if you want. It is a good idea to tell your brother about this.” Saki looked down in thought. 

It was scary to tell Tsukasa about Saki’s thoughts. But she knew that if she told him, he would help her get help. And he could tell it better to her parents as well. So after some thought, Saki nodded. 

–

When Saki got teleported back to her vibrant room, she immediately felt the depressing rush come back to her. Not like it was not there before. But it got worse. Just the sheer idea of telling Tsukasa made her want to go back, now that she was doing it. It felt so hard. It would be easier to just not do it and live silently in pain. 

But then Saki remembered Ichika-san’s promise. She would be there with her. She would help her. She can help Saki tell everything she could not say when alone. And since it is only to Tsukasa, it should not be too hard, right? Saki quickly texted Ichika to ask if she was coming. The other girl replied immediately, saying she was coming there as fast as she could. Saki was not sure when Tsukasa was supposed to come home today. If he had theatre practice, or if he would stop by home quickly before going there. She was not sure when her older brother’s classes ended either since they were in different schools. 

Saki did not have to worry that Tsukasa was already in the house, because speaking of the devil, he just came home. He did not yell anything like usual, but Saki could hear quick steps coming upstairs, walking past the other’s room, and coming closer to the door- 

Suddenly, Tsukasa bursts open the door and looked at his sister in shock like this was not something he thought was going to happen. Saki prepared for the worst. For an angry yell, for many ‘Where the hell were you?!’s and ‘I was so worried you died!’s. But what she got, 

Was a hug. 

Tsukasa hugged her. It was such a genuine hug as well. Like this was the only thing he wanted to do in the whole wide world. At one point, Saki thought he might be crying. 

“Saki, you’re home. Safe.” Tsukasa whispered. Like he almost could not believe it himself. Saki hugged back. 

“Yes. I am.” Saki squeezed her older brother a little, making sure she was back. “I… have something to tell you. But I want to wait until Ichi-san’s here.” 

Saki felt Tsukasa nod on her shoulder and they stayed there for a few more minutes. After their hug, Tsukasa asked if his sister would want anything to drink. Saki asked for some hot tea. They went to make it together. 

After around five minutes, Ichika-san was by the door. Saki and Tsukasa invited her in and asked if she wanted anything to drink. The girl declined the offer, saying it was more important to get everything across. And so, the three found themselves sitting on the turquoise living room sofas in the middle of the room. 

Tsukasa was the first to start a conversation. “So, what did you two have to talk to me about? I’m guessing it’s about Saki.” 

Saki seemed to tense up a bit at the reminder of what they were doing. Ichika took the blonde’s hand to try and calm her down. “Saki, do you want to start or do you want me to explain the start?” Saki looked at Ichika. She seemed to be thinking for a second, before giving a silent sigh. 

“It all started when I was hospitalized for the first time for real, and seeing how you had to deal with it. How painful you looked when you thought I wasn’t looking.” Tsukasa’s face dropped. “I know you tried to mask all your sorrow away from me because you didn’t want me to think there was a problem, but I knew you didn’t like it. And that made me think I was the reason for making people’s lives miserable.” 

It was like Saki’s mouth could not stop. Saki outed all her emotions right there and then. All of her deepest fears, all of her biggest insecurities, all her biggest intrusive thoughts. They all came out as if she was ripping a big bandaid off her mouth. Tsukasa and Ichika just listened to her. Making sure she was heard. Ichika held Saki’s hand the entire time to show she was there and listening. 

When she was done, Saki sighed. “So, there. That’s why I left. Why I almost disappeared.” Tsukasa looked surprisingly calm throughout all of it. He did not seem to make too big of a scene from it. Possibly because him knowing his fake confidence was not needed and the two others also seemed to know where it came from. Tsukasa just looked at Saki with an expression Ichika could not place. Saki neither. It seemed like a mixture of sorrow, surprise, calm, and sadness. Then, after a beat went by, Tsukasa silently went to hug Saki. Saki’s face scrunched up and the girl cried silent tears on her brother’s shoulder. 

They both have gone through so much in their own ways, Ichika thought. This was definitely the best idea to do for both of them. To finally understand each other better. To feel safe together. Not like they did not feel that way before, but maybe safer. 

After the hug, Tsukasa asked if the others wanted to watch a movie together. Saki looked back at Ichika. The latter takes Saki’s hand and smiles warmly. Saki then looks back at Tsukasa. “That would be nice.” 

The three find some snacks from the kitchen and carry some cold and warm drinks to the living room. Tsukasa goes to the movie shelf to find a good movie, not knowing what to choose, he asks Saki what she would like to watch. 

Saki looks back in shock. She normally does not choose the movies since she does not really mind what they watch. She just likes the company. But she thought, for this one time. She thinks she should try and pick her favorite movie. 

And so she ends up picking up her favorite movie from when she was in the hospital, The Princess Bride .

“I never understand the appeal…” Tsukasa teases Saki. Saki nudges Tsukasa back while giggling. They started the movie and everyone locked their eyes to the screen. 

And Saki felt safe again.