Chapter Text
They could hear the pump, pump, pump of his rapid heartbeat amplified by the doppler. They are all nervous. The doctor's gaze focuses on the monitor; his garish, fuzzy body seems to pique her interest.
Something is wrong. He knows it, biting his lower lip.
His mom’s hand tightens around his palm, her fearful clutch squeezing his fingers. Her face is frozen, her eyes wide, a stretched-out expression that could easily be confused for awe. She caresses the scars on his wrist.
Mingyu looks at the screen, and notes how Jeonghan seems to be deep in slumber, he hopes he is really in deep slumber without any misery following him. The doctor still has not said a single thing which ends up being very revealing, answering the one question that he already knows the answer to.
“Jane, how’s he?” The doctor is Jeonghan’s mother’s old friend. “Is everything okay? Will he be okay?” She bombarded her questions with obvious answers that displayed in front of her at this moment.
She looks at them, gives them the rundown of Jeonghan’s current condition in the same tone one offers their sympathy and pity, subtly. The doctor tells them not to worry, yet what comes after that concerns them to death.
“He should regain his consciousness soon, but I suggest as a doctor and a mother, please refer him to the psychiatrist, that is what Jeonghan needs to get better." She said followed by an apologetic face.
Mingyu's heart drops, and Jeonghan’s mom starts to cry again. Her sobs get louder. He holds her closer to him. Rubbing her back, as if he is comforting himself–too.
The doctor rumbles on, and Mingyu feels the sudden regret, a wretched tug coming from the center of his chest. He clutches onto the shirt and punches it slightly, not quite noticeable by the other eyes, as if it would make him feel better. Without him realizing it, his face is wet too.
He wish, he wish—he will be here sooner. He wish, if only killing someone is not a crime, he would have killed that bastard so that Jeonghan would not do this to himself. He wish, he can replace himself with Jeonghan, so he is the one who is in a mess. He just wish, Jeonghan would stop blaming himself for something so horrendously not his fault. So many wishes, but he is so powerless right now.
I props out my elbows on the edge of the window as I look out; it is snowing outside. My smiles are getting wider. Today is the first day of winter, the snow does not stop falling. I tighten the sweater to my body. I had a love and hate relationship with the winter season. I love the weather, I really do. Just that the memories contained during the season was just bittersweet for me.
4 years ago, in winter. I met him, Kim Mingyu: My boyfriend, the love of my life. We met by coincidence, if I could say. I was not planning to buy anything for Christmas the next day but I was so excited when for the first time I was allowed to join the family gathering. It was the first time in 19 years, I was actually welcomed to celebrate Christmas with my family, or that was what I thought it should be.
So, I was planning to surprise everyone with gifts using the last savings I have to survive on that weekend.
Money was not a big deal at that time as I will receive my weekly payout next Monday. So, I was so happy I could finally get everyone gifts for the time, using my sweat and tears money. For the time I was genuinely looking forward to going home. But God has a better plan.
I still remember, it was just a few minutes past 8pm, I arrived at home. Ah, home would always sound so wrong and distance to me. I knock on the door, and wait almost 30 seconds before the door opens from the inside. “Coming.” Dad said as he opened the door. His face tightened when our eyes met.
“Dad…” My voice was shaking, eyes’s gaze fell to the floor. After so many years, I still could not make eye contact with him.
“Minjae!!!” Dad screamed, calling my mom.
I flinched at the sudden screams. I dropped the bags in my hands and held my head, near my ears. I was terrified. My body is shaking. Before I could react to anything coming after that, I was dragged by the hair away from the door entrance. “Dad!!” I cried, silently begging him to let me know, my hands tried to break through his grips on my hair. Of course what did I expect to happen? Will Dad be happy to meet me? Will he hug me upon seeing me after what, 2 years? When he never, he would never be happy or even stand to even knowing my existence near him. So, why did I still hope, mom’s invitation for Christmas Celebration would finally be the end to my miserable existence?
“Oh no! Darl—ing!!!” Mom frantically calling my dad, cries, you name it–trying to break dad’s hand away from my hair.
“What is he doing here?!” Dad asked after he threw me on the floor, 10 feet away from the door entrance. I props my left hand, trying to get up and tears couldn’t stop falling down my cheeks. From the corner of my eye I can see mom trying to get past dad and helping me but dad, with his buff body, was easily blocking her. “Darl-ing…” mom’s voice cracked at the end. She contemplated whether she should try her luck going through dad or just stay still, because everyone knows what will happen if she tries to fight my dad back. “Darl…”
“Didn’t I told you…fuck!” Dad’s eyes red with anger–pissed. “Didn’t I told every fucking one, this thing shouldn’t dare to step his foot in my house?” A Thing. Only if I dare to chuckle, I would laugh out loud at that. Nothing changed, even after 2 years huh? Dad didn’t even acknowledge my existence, so being called a thing is something I shouldn’t complain about.
I can see mom shake her head. “I thought…” She tried to hold her sobs. But it was too loud for me to not hear it. “You said, we could invite anyone—anyone. So I thought you finally allowed us to invite our son…” her voice shaking at the end of her words.
I looked up upon hearing her last word. Our son. If only I didn’t know better, I am nobody son at this point. No, he didn’t know anymore.
“Huh?” Dad’s body was shaking. He seems couldn’t get through mom’s words. “Our son? I don’t remember ever calling this thing our son.” He said.
That was it. The last thing I wanted to hear coming from this man. The man that my whole existence wish to call a father. I gathered all the strength that was left in my body, got up and ran as fast as I could. This time, not like 2 years ago. I didn’t turn back to look at them—to look at mom. 2 years ago, I left the house with tears on my cheeks, bruises all over my body, scars painted deep in my heart and head. Today, no bruises, I wish my head didn’t go bald from the hard grips just now, but the tears are still running fast on my cheeks, the scars are getting deeper.
I stop running when I meet with the playground two blocks away from their house. My legs finally gave up. I fell down onto the ground beside the swing chair. I held onto my legs, hands above my head. Crying hard in silence. My heart hurts so bad, I wish I could tore it apart. I must be my dad’s enemy in his past life to be hated by him like this.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, crying in silence, until I passed out. The next thing I know, I was on the bed, in foreign room. It was Kim Mingyu’s room. He found me unconscious, almost as pale as a dead body, well I was freezing too at that time. I didn’t know, or couldn’t care less when the snow started. It must have snowed around after I arrived at the playground.
I look at Kim Mingyu, bundled in a comforter on our sharing bed. Yes, I didn’t regret one bit meeting with him in that circumstance. He has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have no other wishes except for his happiness. He saved me. If he didn’t find me that day, God must finally give me up and grant my long life wish, to leave this world behind.
But no, He must have created those circumstances so that we found each other, though sometimes I found it ironic and too good to be true. So, at times it still makes me wonder, are we really meant for each other? Because what happens when one leaves without the other?
No, don’t get me wrong. Mingyu is what every lover wanted. He is boyfriend material, is what people called it. But you just could not help when your head filled with those nasty, disgusting and horrendous thoughts of how you just don’t deserve to be with someone as good as him. No, I don’t deserve to be with anyone. I don’t deserve to be happy, are all I have in my mind. I, myself, attempt to drive these thoughts away, but it seems too much; I couldn’t do it. It will take all of me, all of me not to break if it is what I decide one day to do. I know I fail miserably every time I try to take these thoughts away. It hurts even more when my eyes meet with Mingyu's sad eyes. I’m sorry, is what I always murmur under my breath.
Closing the window and walking to the bed. I flop down onto the mattress. I scratch my hand and grab Mingyu’s hand as we were laying on the bed. He was always fast asleep. I run my hand to caress his face. Why did you still insist on being here? I wanted to ask that, but I know too well what answer he would give me, which I didn’t understand. I don’t know if I will ever understand what makes him stay. He has options, certainly not here, being with me. I slowly closed my eyes. trying to force myself to sleep. Hoping, whatever in my head would despair and let me once, just once I wish I could sleep without having to wake up screaming from the same nightmares.