Work Text:
How do you even begin to write this kind of letter?
You grip your hair tightly with one hand while the other hovers over the record button on a padd, while your tears collect on the screen. Afraid of ruining a perfectly good piece of technology, you wipe away the liquid, then resume your hovering.
Love is meant to be happy, comfortable, passionate. Then why are you so afraid?
Fear isn't love, no. Surely it isn't. Fear is being face to face with a phaser, with your life at the mercy of an enemy. Fear is being out of control. You are in complete control here.
Love, in this case, is the countless nights spent together, drinking and playing. The laughter, the comfort, the control, and the desire.
The desperate need for something more here.
The attempt to tap those letters and write out your confession.
You are in control there.
You are in control right now.
That secret, about an uncontrollable feeling of want, need, desperation: it is exhilarating and wondrous. Your face warms at the the thought of his hands, his gentle touch, his warm voice. In this fantasy he loves you. He kisses and holds you, and you do the same to him. Your heart warms here, at these thoughts.
In this fantasy you run with your completed letter to the holosuite, where before indulging in your epic spy adventure, this time you hand him the padd and wait for him to skim it. As he reads, his eyes widen, a smile grows on his face. He drops the padd on the holosuite floor and captures you in a warm hug sprinkled with happy tears. The epic spy adventure resumes shortly after, not as just another dynamic duo, but as lovers as well.
After your adventures, the two of you return to Quarks, get a drink and bask in each other's company. That is followed by a trip to your quarters, though you dare not indulge those thoughts right now.
Oh, how warm it is! Together with the man of your fantasies, loving and cherishing him like he deserves, and knowing he loves you too.
You are in control now, you can decide to try to make that happen. If it does, there will be a happy ending. If it doesn't, it will hurt, more than any physical pain you have ever been subject to.
Or, you can decide to push away the padd, continue living your life without Miles knowing, and suffering knowing you kept your secret from him.
If you do push it away, you will never be able to say you have been perfectly honest with him. Your friendship and his marriage will continue, uninterrupted, but it will not be truthful.
Curses! Why did you get yourself into this situation? Why did you let yourself fall for such an unavailable man? Are you trying to ruin his and your lives? You weren't even aware you liked men until him. Perhaps that is part of the issue...
Eager to understand what it is to love a man, if it is any different than loving a woman, but unsure if he is the first of many men to attract you or if he is one of a kind. This could be your single opportunity, you know.
By now you notice your hand has curled into a loose fist rested on the table next to the padd. You have stopped crying and your face feels less strained, but now you are numb. If only he could just walk in that door and crush the last remaining speck of hope in your brain, so you don't need to pain yourself anymore.
It is that whisper of hope that is keeping you from giving up entirely. This padd is only on your desk because you have a hope that maybe, just maybe, he will reciprocate, and something will come of that. But as long as he or you have some sense of morality, namely, the sense to not cheat on a spouse, there is no chance of that.
Have you even factored that in? Have you seriously considered allowing him to cheat on his wife? With you? He has a family, he would be abandoning them all for you. Is that something you would even want to entertain? No, it's not.
That glimmer of hope, though dimmed slightly now, still remains. Perhaps a kind of polyamory would allow both his marriage and your relationship to exist. Of course, you have no interest in Keiko, but perhaps a deal could be worked out where you... share him? Would you really want that, even if they were both on board?
You sigh as that hope continues to fade. Every new idea and possibility continues to ruin your optimism. The hopes are less and less likely, and you are left with an almost null chance that anything you want will come of this letter. Congratulations, you have accepted your fate.
You push away the padd and put your head in your hands. Your lonely heart still aches for him. Soon it will catch up, soon you will accept that it will only be hurt if it tries.
Someone knocks on your door.
"Hey Julian, you ready? Our holosuite appointment is in 10 minutes."
You get up from your seat and shake off the emotions.
"I'll be out in a moment."