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A loud whistle graced Pearl’s ears. Her child just scored a goal, and now the match was tied 5-5. “GET EM BABY!!”, she cried out. Her sons, Hunter and John Smith, continued to exert all their energy into kicking balls.
At the AMERICAN tractor shop, Marina was buying new American Flags to hang outside of her and Pearl’s townhouse. She was wearing denham overalls, hefty boots and a camouflage visor hat. “That’ll be 6.99, ma’am.” “Guh?!” Marina replied in horror. “This damn country is going to shambles me boy.. inflations and whatnots… ‘scuse my french.” The cashier paid no mind to the crazy octoling’s American rambles, as he had seen this every day. She purchased the EXTRA LARGE American flag and loaded it into her GIANT red pickup truck filled with woodworking tools and MANLY things.
Back at the soccer game, Pearl was hiding her glass of pristine Walmart wine in an opaque “water” bottle. The wind was blowing very hard, and her wig nearly flew off. She was expecting Marina to pick her and the kids up soon, and start decorating for the 4th of July. The kids on the field were highly athletic and competitive, shredding every weakling into bits, therefore ruining the match for half of the roster. An extremely loud revving and popping noise became distinguishable, and everyone instantly knew it was Yeehaw ‘Rina. “HOWDY FOLKS!!” She chanted to the podiums. At least 3 people in the crowd groaned, while the rest chose to ignore her completely, except for her one and only true love, Pearl. “HUBBY BUBBY POOKIE WOOKUMS!!!!!” Pearl jumped off the 3 story high stadium and into her loving husband’s muscular and MANLY arms. “How are the kiddos doin’?” Marina asked MANLYNY. “Oh hunny bunny, they’re tied 5-5…” A loud whistle and blaring of a speaker disproved her statement. They whipped their heads in synchronization to the billboard, and somehow, John and Hunter had turned the score to 99-5. “HOLY SHIT FUCK BALLS!!!!!” they exclaimed.
Their children, in their eternal glory and strength, managed to DESTROY the score. Their parents were EXTREMELY proud of them for their totally just and fair tactics to earn this score. After a few long hours of waiting, the game was finally over after no change. Pearl and Marina took the kids to the MANLY red pick up truck, and Pearl noticed the GIANT American flags. “you’re so considerate pookums!!” Pearl exclaimed. “FUCK YEAH AMERICAH” their children chanted in unison. A crowd began to form around their MANLY red pickup truck and started singing Star Spangled Banner and other PATRIOTIC songs. Luckily for them, Yeehaw ‘Rina always had GRILLS AND MEAT in her MANLY red pickup truck, and began to start a barbecue. Everyone clapped and cheered for her.
After many hours of consecutive barbecuing and AMERICAN partying, the family returned to their humble abode late at night. “Goodnight my babies…” Pearl maternally wished her children. Her makeup and jewelry was essentially glued onto her, and not even a shower can ruin its glistening shine. She had her own AMERICAN decorations, and began to stock the house with knick knacks and festively AMERICAN items. After 2 hours of laborious decorating, it was finished!! Pearl wrapped the gifts (which were probably guns) while Marina hid presents under the American missile tree. They went off to bed together like a loving couple.
The alpha male REFUSED to shower, and the beta female gracefully lathered herself in the finest of shampoos. Though, when she was finished, instead of going straight to bed, she set a lovely dinner table for two in their bedroom. She put a red and white checkered cloth on the chipped wooden desk, a battery powered candle, and poured her private reserved wine for the occasion. The manly American, Marina, looked at her wife and her perfectly trimmed blonde bobcut. “Hell yeah bitch.” Out of thin air, Pearl summoned a raw game steak for her husband and a grape and cheese board for herself. She had a toy knife and fork, and elegantly began to consume her late snack. Yeehaw Rina went in with bare hands and brought the entire deer steak to his gruesome mouth, tearing chunks off with his incisors like a feral AMERICAN MAN.
After their meal, they finally went to bed for eel this time. They separated their figures with a Colonel Sanders body pillow, and slept the full night away for 2 hours. Pearl’s husband slept with one eye open, making absolute sure no foreigner snuck into their house and planted any NON AMERICAN seeds into the hearts of their FULL BLOODED AMERICAN CHILDREN. In the blink of an eye, the clock struck 7am. Pearl floated out of bed, letting her handsome and manly husband get the extra sleep she deserves. She woke up the children and commanded them to go downstairs for their American presents. Hunter had received Fortnite V-Bux and keys to a nuclear silo in Utah, along with a few measly BB guns. “What the fuck is this piece of shit?!” He hated his BB guns, as they were not American enough. In his protest, he snapped the smaller pistol in half. “I’m sorry baby, Walmart was out of stock…” Pearl sadly responded. John reluctantly opened his presents, expecting the disappointing loot Hunter had received. However, he was blessed with the most American gift of all…
He had received a copy of the Holy American Bible and an AR-15. He jumped for joy, and began to pound his chest. “HELL FUCKING YEAH!!!! THANKS BITCHES!! I’M GONNA SCREAM SLURS ON OVERWATCH!!!!” Marina chugged like a train down their star spangled stairs and smirked at his humble reaction. Now that the kids ran off to their respective room in the corner of the house, Pearl and Marina had their private time to open their presents. There were two left, one of which was rattling and labeled for Marina. She reached for it and tore the paper open. It was a Bald Eagle in a red white and blue cage. “Awwww! You know me so well Pearly pookie!” “I know babe pooks.” Marina grabbed Pearl’s present and bestowed it onto her. She diligently opened the gift, and the gift started to.. sing? It was the United States Anthem playing from a card. Inside it was a document, making Pearl the official owner of the Walmart franchise.
Her heart fluttered in happiness. “OMG!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!” She nearly screamed with glee. Marina just smiled, knowing her American and manly purpose has been fulfilled.