Chapter Text
"Hey, Ena."
She turns towards them like any other day; Like every day that had ever happened between them. Like how badly they wanted every day to be.
"What's that, Mizuki?"
"I wanted... to tell you. About myself. About everything. That... thing I've been hiding."
Ena shifts in place. She purses her lips, brushing her fingers underneath her chin. Her brow furrows, but her expression is warm. Comforting. Supportive. "Go on."
"The truth is..." Mizuki stutters, the words refusing to leave their lips. It felt like they had swallowed a lump; or maybe it was just the Adam’s apple that they so desperately tried to hide the day they first met Niigo in person.
It felt like their body was coursing with electricity as their heart rate spiked. It felt like their fingers had frozen as icy vines coiled around their heart. Its words echoed through Mizuki's soul,
Don’t. Say. Don’t. Trust.
She won’t look at you the same.
No one has, after all.
It felt like everything in their brain told them to stop, to run away, to shut the fuck up again. Why did they even make this stupid idea?
You'll never be accepted if you say it.
Not everyone’s so kind.
You know that.
But, no. They had to tell them. They couldn’t go on like this. Maybe… just maybe… this time would be different.
So weird. Just doing it for attention.
“Ena… the, truth is. That… I’m, not who you think I am. I’m not a girl, like you think I am. I wasn’t… born female. And I’ve been hiding it from you because…”
“Hold on a minute, you, what?”
Mizuki’s heart thuds to earth. Ena’s face is crumpled in shock. In disgust. “That’s so… weird. That’s so gross. Does that mean you’re just a boy and you’ve been lying to me, and the rest of Niigo, this entire time!”
“I didn’t mean to lie!” Mizuki shouts, desperately.
Why was everything going wrong? I should’ve known better.
“I just wanted to try being myself! And before I knew it I was living a lie. I just wanted things to stay the way they were, with everyone! I didn’t want anything to change, that’s why… that’s why I didn’t say anything!”
“What else have you lied to me about then!” Ena shouts, stomping her way forward.
Why did I say anything? Why didn’t I just run away like I always do.
Mizuki stumbles as Ena corners them. They couldn’t see her face anymore, but she was sure there was only hatred in those eyes.
“How can I trust you? How can we trust you, when you’ve been lying about your whole life? Do you even actually care about Mafuyu or is that a lie too? No wonder you never tell me anything about yourself, I’m sure you’re hiding so many other things about yourself!”
I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…
SLAP. Ena’s hand streaks across Mizuki’s crying face as she stands up. “Are you even listening? How can I even trust anything about you, when you lie about something like this? I bet you dress like a girl just to ogle us during gym time, don’t you!”
I’m sorry… Ena… please… don’t leave me…
"You’re DISGUSTING. I don’t ever want to see you EVER AGAIN. It’d be better for you to just DROP DEAD.”
SLAM.
Ena slams the door shut on Mizuki, cracking the floor underneath. Mizuki falls as the earth opens before them, their thin frame tumbling into its abyssal maw. A cacophony of voices fills Mizuki’s head as the world turns to black.
You like cute things? That’s for girls.
Anime? What are you an otaku?
Ahaha, your music tastes sure are strange!
Uhm, yeah, those animations look nice. I guess?
Man look at him… just what is he trying to dress like now?
He’s lucky the school’s dress code is so lax.
He’s so weird, isn’t he? I bet he's just doing it for attention from the ladies.
Shut up, shut up, shut up shut up shut UP!
They jolt awake, gasping for air as they return to reality. Sweat trickles and tears stream down their face as they stare up at the familiar, comforting, still-dark ceiling of their bedroom.
“It was… just… a dream.” They whimper, rolling over onto their stomach, and burying their face into their pillow.
“J-Just, a dream…” They stammer, as they start crying, then wailing, then screaming into their pillow.
It would… it would never happen like that in reality. No. Ena’s not like that. She’s not. But still… but still! It was just as scary. What if? What if, she’s like that, somehow? What if Kanade or Mafuyu don’t accept me either? What will happen? How could I even be in the same group as them?
Why… why is it so hard, just being me? Why couldn’t I have just been born right? Why couldn’t people just be more accepting? Why do we all have to fit in so much? It’s so unfair… it’s so much…!
They cried. They cried, and cried, and cried, and cried, for however long it was. Was it an hour? Was it a few minutes? Mizuki didn’t know, but eventually the tears stopped, and the emotions started to quell. Frustration, sadness, despair… it’s not like changing or removing any of this would be easy. It all came and went, anyways, even if it felt like the nightmares had only grown worse and more frequent with every passing day. But... they couldn't dwell on it, not when their friends needed them. Not when Mafuyu was--
… Right. I shouldn’t be worrying about this right now. Mafuyu has way more on her plate right now…
They rummage for their smartphone to check the time—5:26 AM, Saturday. When did they fall asleep again…? Not very long ago, probably.
They go to their Nightcord server. Everything is as it was. They remembered these messages. They scroll. They see Kanade reassuring the others that Mafuyu was doing well living with her. They see Mafuyu agree in that short, terse way of theirs. They see Ena mess up an upload and get embarrassed about it. They see Ena get mad when they call her a sly tsundere selfie girl again.
A smile creeps up their face. Calm down. See? Everything is just as it always has been.
But what Mizuki cherished most was the simple text they had received the morning after that fateful day.
< Yuki > Thank you for being there. Thank you for looking for me, and caring about me. Thank you for letting me run away.
It had made her tear up; it was making her tear up just thinking about it again. To be thought of so highly by her friend... they didn't feel like they deserve it. They were a liar at heart, a dishonest person that can't even tell their closest friends about themselves. A terrible person that always kept everyone at arm's length. They didn't deserve such words. Sighing to themselves, they resolve to sleep the passing thought away until one of her DMs catch their eye. Enanan's status was still Online.
For a fleeting moment, the darkness parted ways as sly grin crept up Mizuki's face, ready to tease Ena for staying up so late. But then another stray thought worms its way into their psyche.
. . . That dream… was just a dream, right?
Fear crept up on Mizuki again. Was it a bad memory, or was it just a dream? Or did they make the biggest fuck up of their life? No… wait, if Ena had told everyone, she wouldn’t be in Niigo anymore right? And that’s only if that whole thing was real in the first place! Or maybe… she just hadn’t told everyone yet cause she pitied them… augh!
Without thought, Mizuki typed to Enanan. They manage, “Are you awake?” before their fingers stop, pausing just over the send button.
No… no. Don’t act like anything’s wrong. Act normal. If it was a dream, be normal. If it’s not a dream, then… then…
They backspace the message. They hold their breath. Send.
< Amia > bet someone’s stayed up all night again~
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump…
Enanan is typing…
< Enanan > Shut up!
< Enanan > I got stuck on the sketch
Mizuki almost tossed their phone as a wave of relief washed over them. What a normal response. What a normal thing Ena would say… and they needed to respond just as normal, didn’t they?
< Amia > i bet you aren’t even working on the sketch right now
< Amia > what netflix show are you procrastinating on this time?
< Enanan > None of your business.
< Enanan > Wait hold on
< Enanan > Why are YOU awake! Its almost 6!
< Amia > not telling~
< Enanan > Pain in the ass
< Amia > keep talking like that and your skin’s just going to get worse!
< Enanan > Fuck you
They sigh, finally rolling onto their back again, arms splayed. It had been a dream after all…and yet…
And yet… they still felt uneasy. Why did everything still feel a million miles away? Everything was just as it always was, wasn’t? Their friends were still there, Ena was still the same, Mafuyu was still the same, so why did they… why did they feel…
… so, so lonely?
Will they really accept you, if you tell them?
I…
If you don’t tell them, you’ll always feel like this.
I know that…!
You’ve always felt like this. You just hide it better most days.
Stop…!
You’re always going to be alone. If you keep running away. Its only ever going to keep hurting, if you run away.
The tears start welling in their eyes once more. They cover their eyes as another wave of throbbing sorrow drowns them. Why… why was everything so hard? Why was everything so painful? Why was it getting worse now all of a sudden, when they felt closer than ever with Niigo? Why couldn’t someone else tell their friends all the pain they suffered?
I’m just… so tired… of hurting so much…
They roll onto their side, reaching for their phone again. A quick search on NicoNico, and they found their songs. Quiet, gentle warmth fills their heart again, as they sink back into their escape, sink back… into their gentle wishes that Niigo could stay together forever; that Niigo would accept them, and stay by their side.
I just wish… Things were different… I just wish… I could trust them…