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tyler let out a shaky breath, the cold air creating a fog around his mouth.
this was the place, his place, his own private therapist office.
it was fairly secluded; he’d stumbled upon it by accident on a drunken night when he was staggering home from some sleazy club he’d just been dragged along to by his friend. it was about a mile from his house, he tried to take a shortcut and ended up in the middle of this exact forest. he found he liked the quiet, the way the trees curled any which way around the night sky and the way the moon shone down in a sliver, a single line up the middle of the spot.
this was where he could let go, let all of his emotions out at once without any noise complaints from his neighbours, or worried phonecalls from his friends.
he brought his knees up to his chest, the bark of the tree scratching slightly against his back as he shifted on the ground beneath him. his lyric book was strewn across the ground, pen lost somewhere amongst the leaves of the trees.
he took another deep breath, eyes slipping shut as he filled his lungs as much as he could.
then.
he let go.
he screamed, screamed as loud as he fucking could, head flung back and fingernails digging into his scalp so hard he swore he almost tore a lump of his own hair out. he felt his voice gradually get rougher, his throat dry in contradiction with his very wet face from the tears that were spilling from his eyes. he loved this place, he really did, it was the safest place he could just let go and not give one single fuck if anyone could hear or judge, this was his own nirvana.
his breathing was heavy once he’d stopped, his chest heaving in and out, tears dotted on his cotton shirt and blood underneath his fingernails from where he just couldn’t help himself, his neck raw and scratched. he blinked the tears out of his eyes and glanced around, he estimated it was probably around 3am, maybe 4, but he didn’t really care, all that mattered was that he felt better. it was a catharsis for him, to come here and write, spill his mind onto the page then promptly let go of all the pent up emotions he’d collected from the week prior.
he crawled over and collected his lyric book, not bothering with his long forgotten pen and stood up, letting out a sigh as he made the journey back to his house.
this routine repeated itself for a couple of weeks, tyler felt a little bit of weight lifted off his shoulders each time.
that was, until…
“who the fuck are you?”
the boy looked taken aback by tyler’s bluntness, he shifted uncomfortably on the ground, his legs folded.
“uh- j-josh.”
tyler looked him up and down, feeling...intimidated? threatened? he wasn’t sure, but he knew that this was his spot, his place, his own personal therapy, not josh’s. but the the more he looked at the boy, the more he couldn’t bring himself to tell him to leave, he had a strange aura about him that tyler couldn’t quite place his finger on.
“what are you doing here?” tyler’s voice was substantially lower in volume than his previous outburst as he sat down on the ground across from josh, copying his position and folding his legs, keeping his lyric book close to himself.
josh paused for a brief moment, his fingers picking at the grass beneath him as he let out a sigh, “well, every sunday night, right before i go to sleep….i hear...screaming.” he tore his gaze away from the dirt and soil and looked at tyler. tyler felt his face heat up, with embarrassment at the fact that this stranger had heard him all this time or the fact that this stranger was really fucking pretty, he wasn’t quite sure.
“ oh… ?”
“yeah…” josh looked up at the sky above them, eyes squinting under the harsh moonlight, “so, i thought i’d come see who keeps me awake every week.” he let out a soft laugh, tyler felt a wave of guilt wash over him.
“i’m really sorry.” he spoke quietly, to which josh went wide eyed and shook his head, a look of panic on his face.
“no! no- uh, it’s okay i guess, my house is kinda far from here anyways so it isn’t too...disrupting.”
tyler let out a soft ‘ah’ of understanding, clearing his throat awkwardly as he turned his gaze to a glint on josh’s face that caught his eye, he realised it was a nose ring, nice touch, he thought to himself. josh bit his lip, he looked like he was debating something, his eyebrows furrowed and eyes looking at nothing in particular, like they were out of focus.
“so.” he suddenly startled the silence, “are you uh- are you...okay?”
tyler looked at him with wide eyes, as if this was the most insane question to ever be asked in existence, ever. “what?”
“well you come here every single sunday night, just to scream your lungs out.” josh deadpanned, looking directly at him, “it’s not exactly a...normal...pastime.”
"it's therapeutic." tyler shrugged nonchalantly, ignoring josh's first question as to wether he was okay or not because honestly....he didn't know.
josh fell silent again, giving a soft nod of understanding, even though his expression was still quite confused looking. tyler shifted uncomfortably on the ground, realising tonight he probably wasn’t going to be able to let go, to rip his emotions out of his lungs for them to scatter into the stars in the sky. he wouldn’t be able to do that with josh here, mainly because people were the reason he came to the forest, it was secluded, away from prying eyes and judgmental looks.
“what’s that?” josh suddenly spoke up once again, pointing weakly at the lyric book clutched tightly in tyler’s grip.
tyler felt something similar to anxiety ignite inside of him, but…. a bit of confidence as well, as if- if he showed josh his lyrical madness he would somehow get him to go away, to run and never come back and once again leave tyler to his own isolation….that’s usually what happened anyways.
“here.” tyler thrust the small, worn out book into josh’s hands, to which josh took it almost hesitantly.
josh looked down at the cover, the pads of his thumbs brushing lightly over the dog-eared pages and the ‘tyler joseph’ hastily scrawled across the bottom right corner. he opened it slowly, looking up to tyler in brief confusion for a moment before back down to the first page. the first page just had random lyric ideas scribbled over it, bullet points here and there, concept ideas, 4am thoughts ect. tyler watched on in a mixture of sly amusement and a little bit of worry as josh delved deeper into the book, the sound of crunchy pages being flipped over continuously crushing the silence. he noted the way josh’s facial expressions constantly changed, from biting his lip with furrowed brows to squinty eyes and soft smiles, tyler felt a little bit of reassurance each time josh flipped a page.
josh eventually got to the end of the book, and tyler had now turned his gaze to the soft soil of the ground, his face turning a slight tinge of crimson. he glanced up just in time to see josh close the book with an almost hesitant snap, his fingers once again ghosting over the cover and his eyes so intensely focused on it tyler thought it was about to burst into flames.
another silence fell over the two.
josh looked at tyler, which then cause tyler to look back at him.
josh looked….worried?
then, suddenly...
josh grabbed tyler’s shoulders and pulled him in, wrapping his arms tightly around him as tyler let out a squeak of surprise.
he was...hugging him.
tyler wasn’t really processing what was happening very well, but he felt his arms returning the favour and wrapping around josh’s frame, tightening as he let his eyes slip shut and his head rest on josh’s shoulder.
“i’m sorry you feel like this.” josh’s voice was hushed, slightly muffled from where his head was buried in tyler’s neck.
tyler let out a soft hum, still not really sure as to why he was letting a complete stranger hug him and whisper words of reassurance to him at 4 am in the fucking morning.
but honestly, he didn’t mind at all.
maybe he’ll let josh come back, after all.
the routine continued for months.
but this time, he could always count on josh to be waiting for him.
tyler found out a lot about josh over the course of these months, he found out that josh had his own house, he had some random shitty job at the record store in the city. he found out that josh played the drums, that he was ‘swung both ways’ (josh’s words, eloquent.), that he’s had more one night stands than he’s had actual relationships. he also found out that josh had his own demons, his own pent up, repressed emotions that he so desperately needed to scream out, release into the night never to come back and haunt him again. months of talking, tears and laughter really made tyler feel….better, far far better than ever before.
“so….just... scream?” josh cocked his head, fingernails once again pulling up random bits of grass from the ground only to fling it away again and repeat the process.
“yeah.” tyler smiled, to which josh returned it, only for his face to turn a slight tinge of red.
“can you-uh...turn around? i don’t wanna…” he trailed off, tyler nodded in understanding, shifting around so his back was to josh.
he covered his ears with his hands and kept his gaze focused on the tree in front of him, then…
he heard josh letting go.
he smiled a little to himself, suddenly feeling a sense of pride wash over him, the screaming was slightly muffled as he had his hands over his ears, but he could still hear the demons being scattered out into the air.
after a while, tyler removed his hands from his ears and let out a shaky breath, he could hear josh breathing heavily, as if trying to take back the air that had left his lungs when he screamed it all out. tyler shifted back around so he was facing josh, taking a second to take in his slightly disheveled appearance, the way his mohawk type hair fell over his face and his lips were dry from the cold bite of the 4am night.
“do you feel better?” tyler smiled weakly, his eyes scanning up to meet josh’s.
josh simply replied with silence.
until....
he leapt at tyler, his fingers curling around the back of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. tyler’s eyes instinctively slipped shut and he clutched josh’s shoulders as he felt something similar to sea sickness and happiness ignite somewhere inside him. they pulled away after a while, josh slowly dragging tyler’s lip from his teeth and letting out a soft laugh at the noise of surprise tyler let out.
“much better.” josh smiled, his fingers intertwining with tyler's.
it was then tyler realised, he liked josh much better than the forest.
josh was his catharsis, his nirvana, his own personal therapist.
his.