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“Come on! We’re here for fun. Don’t wear that bitchy face of yours.”
Yoo Joonghyuk and Kim Dokja were at a hedge maze on a Saturday evening, after spending the entire afternoon sitting in an indoor cafe chatting. The sun was now setting, the sky bleeding of a magnificent golden hue. The two had found the maze after wandering outside for a while, in search of something to do after the cafe started closing.
Yoo Joonghyuk allowed Kim Dokja to drag him into the maze, as he observed that the maze was pretty empty, with the exception of one or two families outside.
Kim Dokja looked back at him, smiling that smile which got Yoo Joonghyuk to surrender to him any day. Kim Dokja, who was the only salvation in his life, Kim Dokja who stayed with him despite all his flaws, Kim Dokja, who was too precious to have to suffer in this shitty world.
“Right or left?”
Kim Dokja questioned, as they reached a fork in the road, or rather the field. Yoo Joonghyuk hesitated, before answering, “right.”
Kim Dokja was still holding on to his hand as he started down the path leading to the right. They continued in peaceful silence, before Yoo Joonghyuk took a step forward, getting closer to the shorter man, and gently hugging him from behind.
“Feeling especially clingy today, are we?”
Kim Dokja uttered, smirking at Yoo Joonghyuk as he covered the other man’s hands with his own.
“I just want to make sure you’re real.”
He whispered into his hair, gripping him tighter. Kim Dokja sighed, although he made no action to pry Yoo Joonghyuk’s hands off of him. They stood there for a moment, before Yoo Joonghyuk finally released him.
“I’m right here in front of you. Isn’t that enough proof for you?”
Yoo Joonghyuk grunted in response, not wasting energy to give an actual response as usual, a trait of his which Kim Dokja absolutely adored. They soon reached the end of the path, a dismayed look on Kim Dokja’s face.
“We picked the wrong path somewhere back.”
“A maze isn’t something you can get through on the first try.”
“Yeah.. you’re right.”
Kim Dokja uttered, although he was looking rather pessimistic about it. Yoo Joonghyuk watched sympathetically, squeezing his hand in an attempt of comfort.
“I bet you can get it next time.”
Yoo Joonghyuk whispered, despite knowing that he probably wouldn’t. But he couldn’t help it, this want to see that determined smile reappear on his reader’s face.
“You really think so?”
Kim Dokja asked, eyes bright and hopeful. Yoo Joonghyuk nodded, nudging Kim Dokja in a sign to continue on. Kim Dokja complied, and Yoo Joonghyuk noted that he was walking at a speedier pace than before, and couldn’t help but feel this sense of pride.
However, it didn’t take long before they were blocked again. Kim Dokja groaned upon seeing a tall bush blocking their way, signalling they had chosen the wrong way once again.
“This time. For sure. I’ll get it.”
Kim Dokja said, as he started heading back to the previous two way path.
He did not get there on his third attempt. Nor his fourth.
Upon seeing Kim Dokja’s expression after failing once again, Yoo Joonghyuk laughed, displaying an emotion he showed rarely.
“I love hearing your laugh, but it’s kind of embarrassing that it’s targeted at my misery.”
Kim Dokja groaned, as he resorted to sitting on the grass. Yoo Joonghyuk gazed at him, the remnants of a smile still on his face. He muttered an apology, before sitting down beside Kim Dokja.
“Should we just head back to the exit and go home and watch a movie or something?”
Kim Dokja offered, as he shifted closer to Yoo Joonghyuk. Yoo Joonghyuk remained silent, gazing in front of them for a second, before directing his eyes to Kim Dokja’s face.
“If that’s what you want. But I doubt either of us remembers the way back.”
Kim Dokja went still as realisation dawned on him. That was true.. he didn’t know how to leave this damned maze.
“Well, now that you mention it…”
Yoo Joonghyuk lifted an eyebrow, questioning what Kim Dokja’s next move would be.
“Let me onto your shoulders. I’ll look for the exit!”
Kim Dokja said, fully believing in his plan. Yoo Joonghyuk relented, bending down to allow Kim Dokja up his shoulders. Kim Dokja squinted, observing the huge maze, whose size he had underestimated. He grew more anxious as he looked, eyes searching for the exit. The maze was endless, much bigger than before. That was odd. Kim Dokja thought nothing of it, blaming it on his overactive imagination, as he asked Yoo Joonghyuk to let him down.
“So. Bad news. I can’t find the exit.”
Yoo Joonghyuk grimaced, allowing a beat to pass before he spoke up.
“Then we shall continue.”
Kim Dokja groaned, wishing he could simply teleport out of the area. This time, Yoo Joonghyuk was the one to pull him forward, hand clamped around his arm as he started trudging forward.
——
“Yoo Joonghyuk. Do you believe in an afterlife?”
“Why? Do you think you’re going to die? Simply because we’re lost?”
“Exactly.”
Yoo Joonghyuk shook his head, before properly mulling over the question. An afterlife, as in hell and heaven? Well, sure, he had considered it, before claiming it to be unreasonable. For an afterlife to be real, a god would have to have created it, as nothing could simply be there . This god would be aware of everything happening, the disgustingness of people and the tragedy bestowing the world, yet deciding to forgive mortals, despite their wrongdoings, wouldn’t that be an unfair god, one which was unworthy of existing?
“No, I do not believe in an afterlife, and the same goes for a god.”
“Hmm. Well if there’s no afterlife, then I wouldn’t be able to meet you when we die, huh?”
“…I guess not.”
Yoo Joonghyuk looked up. The sky was greying, a telltale sign it was getting late. Clouds were strewn across the sky, sagging as if they were carrying the worries of the universe.
After three more minutes of walking, Kim Dokja spoke up again.
“We’re getting closer. I can feel it.”
“Didn’t you say that the previous time.”
Kim Dokja glared daggers at him, before sighing, slowing his pace to stand side by side with Yoo Joonghyuk.
“Well, I apologise for trying to lighten the mood.”
Kim Dokja hooked his arm through Yoo Joonghyuk’s, leaning on him as they walked. It was a comforting action, to both of them. Two men who had been starved of touch their entire lives until they met each other, two men who found everything they had been needing in each other.
“I love you.” It was a sentence which was rarely uttered between them, although it was clear through their everyday actions. From the way Yoo Joonghyuk cooked at least three meals a day for Kim Dokja, to how Kim Dokja reserved every single second of his free time for Yoo Joonghyuk.
“This feels like a fever dream, the way we can’t seem to get out.”
Yoo Joonghyuk scoffed, although he didn’t deny it. It was rather unrealistic. It had been, what, an hour? And they had gotten nowhere. It was quite confusing, really.
“What do we do if we can’t get out?”
“Don’t be stupid.”
Kim Dokja huffed at Yoo Joonghyuk’s comment, as he looked away from Yoo Joonghyuk. Yoo Joonghyuk felt remorseful, just a tiny bit. He muttered a soft apology, one which did not escape Kim Dokja’s ears.
“Aww.. My Joonghyukie is apologising? Say it louder, I didn’t catch it fully.”
Kim Dokja cupped a hand at his own ear, and waited for Yoo Joonghyuk to speak cheekily. Yoo Joonghyuk, of course, did not repeat himself, and instead looked away, face tinted in a faint pink blush.
“Yoo Joonghyuk. Ask me a question.”
Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyebrow arched upwards in confusion, although he agreed.
“Favourite memory?”
He asked, as he nudged Kim Dokja to the left, as they neared another two way path. Kim Dokja mulled it over, carefully reviewing every memory of his.
“There was this one time. We gathered together- the company and us and everybody.”
“It wasn’t anything huge. We went to the beach.”
Yoo Joonghyuk listened, slowly recognising the event.
“But everyone was so.. happy. Even the kids weren’t fighting.”
Kim Dokja closed his eyes as he reminisced, trusting Yoo Joonghyuk to guide him through the maze as he spoke.
“You recall it, don’t you? It was the same day you confessed to me.”
“It was a slip of the tongue.”
Yoo Joonghyuk growled, ashamed at the memory. Kim Dokja giggled, as he reopened his eyes. Yoo Joonghyuk felt his breathing stop, as he turned a corner and looked in front of him.
They had finally reached the exit.
Kim Dokja gasped in excitement, as he ran forward, before stopping and turning around, locking eyes with Yoo Joonghyuk.
“What about you? What is your favourite memory?”
Yoo Joonghyuk’s smile which he didn’t know he was wearing faltered. His eyes softened, his voice soft.
“It’s being here with you. When we were in the hedge maze that day.”
Kim Dokja laughed, although it wasn’t one filled with joy. On the contrary, it screamed of sorrow. He shoved his hands into the coat he was wearing, as he gazed sadly at Yoo Joonghyuk.
“Yeah, that’s probably in my top 5.”
“…”
“I could’ve probably provided you with a better memory, if we had more time.”
Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t respond.
“Come on, say something.”
He said bitterly, the grin long gone. Yoo Joonghyuk swallowed his saliva, as he searched his mind for something to say. Nothing. Until a single sentence popped up.
“I don’t want you to leave..”
It was raw with emotion, filled with all of Yoo Joonghyuk’s tragedies, the greatest one being Kim Dokja.
“You know I can’t stop it.”
Yoo Joonghyuk took a big step towards Kim Dokja, and embraced him. Kim Dokja helplessly wiped at the taller man’s tears, trying to soothe him with meaningless words.
“Kim Dokja. You’re cruel.”
“Aren’t we all?”
Yoo Joonghyuk shook his head, resenting everything and everyone. Resenting Kim Dokja for not trying harder to stay, resenting himself for not being able to keep him here, resenting the gods, if there were any, for tearing them apart, for playing with them as if they were dolls who could be discarded anytime.
“Well, this is just goodbye. Goodbye isn’t forever, you know.”
Yoo Joonghyuk clenched his fists, which had fallen to his side, and looked away from Kim Dokja, whose voice was distorting.
“Well, this is the end. We’ve reach the resolution of our story. Are you satisfied?”
Kim Dokja whispered, as he observed Yoo Joonghyuk’s expression, taking in everything. The way he gritted his teeth, as if he wanted to lash out, blame somebody for everything that was happening. The way he avoided his eyes, like one look into Kim Dokja’s eyes would be too painful. Kim Dokja wanted it to stop, all of the hurt.
Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t dare to face Kim Dokja, ignoring the way his face was starting to blur from the corner of his eye.
“It’s a shitty ending.”
Kim Dokja laughed at the remark, as his arms went limp, his energy being drained.
“That’s true.”
And now Kim Dokja was fading, the ends of his feet disintegrating into embers. Yoo Joonghyuk finally turned his head to take one last glance at the man.
“It was nice getting to experience this memory again.”
Kim Dokja said, as he brought his hand up to wave goodbye to Yoo Joonghyuk, the very hand starting to turn to cinders as well.
“I love you, Kim Dokja.”
Kim Dokja smiled, as his torso started disappearing as well.
“Say it back.”
Yoo Joonghyuk muttered, a hint of desperation in his voice, to hear the sentence be said. Kim Dokja shook his head, mouthing an ‘I’m sorry’ before he was fully gone, nothing left, as if he had been wiped from the earth.
“Hey! The place is closing!”
Yoo Joonghyuk heard the sound of a security officer’s voice grow louder and louder, before the officer had appeared at his side.
In the end, nothing mattered.
Kim Dokja was gone.