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ricky stares in a trance at his reflection in the mirror. the past 48 hours have been torture, feelings of joy and elation crashing into overwhelming anxiety and fear.
the makeup noona's have done a pretty good job at covering his deep under eye bags but he still sees the exhaustion on his face. the red rings around his eyes can easily be mistaken for eye shadow but he and all of the other trainees know that they're from hidden tears that fell into his pillow. into zhang hao's chest as the older boy held him tightly, letting ricky's soft cries turn into complete sobs. into jeonghyeon's stupid and ugly green sweater that he insisted that he kept, and he still hasn't taken it off.
it's not just the physical manifestations of his exhaustion that plague him. but the emotional turmoil that's been boiling inside him. he's absolutely torn.
ricky takes a deep breath, swallowing the lump in his throat, trying to push any of his incessant worries away. he can't be weak now, he can't get up from this chair and burst into another fit of tears.
but how can he pull himself together when every time he closes his eyes all he can see is the empty black hole that is his undetermined future. all he can see is his work and training and countless sleepless nights resulting in nothing. all he can see is lee jeonghyeon?
(and his extremely soft neon green sweater)
he sees jeonghyeon kneeling on his bed, lips pursed obnoxiously outwards as he waits for ricky to kiss him. he had said it was new strawberry flavored chapstick.
nobody else has to know that it had quickly become ricky's favorite. his mind clouded by tv static as the taste of jeonghyeon's strawberry lips lingers even after he eats lunch. he doesn't think he went more than 10 minutes that day without stealing another swipe or two from the source itself.
he sees jeonghyeon dragging him out of their dressing room seconds after they've finished monitoring their rehearsal, the brunette practically yanking him down the hallway and up the stairs. they'd both giggled out of sight of the cameras, and no one saw that way jeonghyeon's arms held him tight as he crashed his lips into him hard and fast. he remembers thoroughly ignoring the knowing looks from zhang hao, kuan jui, and jay when they return.
(it was zhang hao who pointedly poked at the new hickey forming on ricky's collarbone)
he sees jeonghyeon above him. the boy nuzzling into his throat pressing soft and sweet kisses up and down his tattoo. his big hands sliding under ricky's shirt with an intensity that almost burns against his skin—but he arches his back, pushing for more.
"want you." he moans desperately, "want you so bad, jeonghyeonie."
"i know," jeonghyeon whispers, biting at his collarbone while ricky shivers beneath him. "i'll take care of you."
jeonghyeon might not have been his first crush or first kiss—but he was his first everything else.
he feels himself spiraling, his stomach twisting in agony as his worried thoughts cloud his head once again. a sharp pain causes an intense shiver to run up his spine.
pinch
jeonghyeon sitting against the mirror, watching him with wide eyes as he practices his gestures and facial expressions for "over me"
pinch
jeonghyeon hitting his shoulder, failing to keep in his own giggles as he sharply whispers to ricky to stop laughing at takuto and hirotos train wreck of a musical performance.
pinch
jeonghyeon and his stupid (adorable, lovely, soft, and warm) sweater curled around him, the two sharing hushed whispers throughout the night while trying not to wake jay.
"stop it." it's zhang hao that pulls him out of his trance, the older boy's hand wrapped tightly around his wrist.
ricky's gaze drops to his other hand as he starts to feel it burn, the telltale red marking from his fingernail looking back at him.
"you should go get dressed." he mumbles, and ricky can't tell he's fighting his instinct to not coddle him like a baby, "and then go find jeonghyeon."
he swallows roughly, trembling as he pushes himself out of the makeup chair and onto weak legs. zhang hao only lets him go once he's able to take a few steps without stumbling.
ricky pushes through the changing room curtains, vision still blurry from the tears he's holding back. nothing phases him, not even the stylist's ice cold hands against his neck as they adjust the collar of his blazer. he finds himself avoiding their gaze, knowing that if he were to look into their eyes he'd probably start breaking down again.
he walks, letting his legs lead him until he finds himself standing in front of the k-group dressing room. he takes a deep breath before pushing it open and stepping inside.
he flinches at how loud it is in the room, a stark contrast to the g-group dressing room, but by a quick glance around, he notices that the majority of g-group is in here as well. he must've been sitting in the makeup chair for longer than he thought.
"jeonghyeon's over there." it's jiwoong that spots him first, tilting his head over towards a corner of the room.
ricky can almost find it comical. how he and jeonghyeon haven't told many about their relationship yet it seems to be common knowledge. he's still quite embarrassed though, feeling his cheeks burn as jiwoong gives him a knowing look.
(jiwoong especially, considering he fell head over heels for him during the first few weeks of filming)
nevertheless, he doesn't hesitate to stride over to jeonghyeon, spotting him curled up in a corner eating a snack.
jeonghyeon spots him before he gets there and he can't help but smile at how warmly he looks at him, how fondly his puppy eyes meet his own sharp ones.
he takes a seat on the couch next to him, leaving not a centimeter of space between them. ricky's clingy, okay? he could literally be kicked out of yuehua, sent back to china forever, never to see his chance of debut or lee jeonghyeon again.
(the more rational side of his brain knows this is overwhelmingly untrue, but it's easy to use as an excuse to hold onto the brunette for as long as possible)
"hi." jeonghyeon grins, holding his snack towards the blond.
the blond in question, hasn't eaten all day due to his stomach tossing and turning. but now, jeonghyeon has settled his insides, so he takes a big bite, devouring the majority of the chocolate bar.
"hi." he replies quietly, voice muffled by the treat.
jeonghyeon smiles at him and ricky can't help but relax, if only for a moment. the warmth of his presence wraps around him like a blanket of comfort, shielding him from all the hustle and bustle that buzzes around them as everyone prepares for their performance later that night.
he's able to let his mind be filled with keita and jonwoo's obnoxious version of kamden's rapping, taerae's screeching of high notes and vocal warmups, yujin attempting to stretch and gyuvin adamantly throwing his lanky body on top of him.
"are you okay?" jeonghyeon asks softly, a delicate concern evident in his voice.
ricky nods silently before taking a deep breath, "worried."
an understatement, but he doesn’t think he could even begin to verbalize how he feels, let alone do it in korean.
"me too." jeonghyeon replies almost immediately, the air between them thick with anxiety.
a feeling of dread had settled on their shoulders, both worried. worried about each other. worried about debuting. worried that all this effort will end in nothing. with every thought, ricky feels his palm start to itch and burn, his fingers desperately wanting to sink into it, scratching and digging deeper until pain consumes all thought.
and then there's jeonghyeon, already there and lacing their fingers together. the burning on his palm being soothed.
he's always been aware of jeonghyeon's presence, as if they were connected on a deeper level. he takes comfort in the gentle touch of his warm, firm hand in his own.
as they sit in silence, their hands still connected, ricky can feel his worries start to melt away.
lifting his gaze up to meet jeonghyeon's dark brown eyes full of care and compassion, he feels an overwhelming sense of sheepishness wash over him. without saying another word, jeonghyeon leans closer and places a tender kiss on ricky's forehead.
ricky's heart skips a beat as he feels jeonghyeon's lips on his skin. his eyes naturally flicking around the dressing room to see if any of the staff are watching. luckily, it doesn't seem like any are but he does catch some of the other boys shooting soft looks their way. it's a simple gesture, but it's one that fills him with warmth and reassurance.
"how embarrassing." ricky whispers, unable to find the right words to express himself, but it's enough for jeonghyeon to laugh, giving his hand a squeeze.
" you're embarrassing."
he's able to clear his mind enough to will away all the fear within him, the tightness in his throat clears and his tears dry. jeonghyeon is at his side, the two of them eating a few more snacks as they wait to be called up to the stage, taking comfort in each other's company. he looks around at the other trainees and a wave of emotion surges through him as he realizes that they’re all in this together, each of them sharing the goal of debuting.
jeonghyeon squeezes his hand tightly.
ricky squeezes back.
he isn't scared for himself or even for jeonghyeon anymore. no matter what happens tonight, he knows that jeonghyeon will be there with him and so will the other 17 trainees who have all crowded into the dressing room. he's ready to face anything and everything.
"here i am" is easy, the pulsing beat vibrates through him, so powerful it feels like a jolt of electricity that sends chills down his spine. his body moves before he can even think, the choreography coming so naturally that he almost forgets that this night holds so much for his future. when the last chorus comes and he gets to his spot at the edge of the stage, his gaze lands on a matching head of blonde hair. his mother and two aunts beam at him with pride, a wave of warmth immediately fills his chest.
the smile comes to him easily, his mom waving around a silly pink banner with his name on it and his aunts bouncing up and down like children, holding up their phones as electronic banners. he feels his cheeks burn under their gaze, slipping them a quick heart before returning to the choreography.
"hot summer" is alright. being the two tallest members of the team, you would think ricky and jeonghyeon would be on opposite sides of the stage at all times for visual balance between them all. but within the first verse of the song, ricky finds himself just inches away from jeonghyeon, hand gliding against his bare torso ( no , he will absolutely not acknowledge his crop top) for just a second but he feels the way jeonghyeon flinches.
ricky has to restrain himself from showing his smile.
there's moments within the chorus that jeonghyeon's right behind him and the giddy feeling makes his hands tremble. you'd think he was a crushing school girl with the way his heart beats out of his chest.
a small part of the second verse where they're facing each other, frozen as jiwoong sings his line. he glances out of his peripherals at jeonghyeon only to find him looking back. the two slip out of the sexy facade of the song, smiles growing. and when the song continues and ricky has to slide right in front of jeonghyeon, the camera zooming in as it's his line now, as if it were practiced, he gives jeonghyeon a quick brush of his knuckles beneath his chin.
("you're evil, you know that right?" jeonghyeon had rasped in his ear as they rushed down the halls, needing to quickly change for their next song.
ricky, high on adrenaline, just laughs.)
"not alone" is hard. ricky isn't near jeonghyeon for the majority of the stage, the brunettes formations keeping him on the main stage while ricky is on the extended stage for the entire song. it isn't until the bridge that he turns to watch jeonghyeon walk towards him.
it's embarrassing how automatic his smile is when their eyes meet. he finds himself holding out his hand towards him. it feels like a risk—like something that shouldn't be done—but when jeonghyeon's hand gently meets his, their pinkies intertwined, all of his worries melt away.
("you guys are so cute," keita starts, "i'm gonna make my own fan account on twitter and retweet every view of you holding hands."
ricky is glad he's got a pretty thick layer of makeup on so they can't see the blush that's surely creeping onto his cheeks. his head is ducked down anyways as he attempts to slip into his uniform pants.
"what're you gonna call it?" park hanbin shouts from across the room, as if there aren't numerous staff members around, "jeongri? rijeong?"
"hyeonky!" taerae shouts.
jeonghyeon throws a shoe in his direction, "shut up!")
ricky and jeonghyeon stand side by side, it's almost a little cynical how they're the only two standing on the highest part of the stage. they barely dare to breathe as they wait for the announcements to start. the oppressive silence of the 18 trainees is almost palpable as anticipation and tension fills the arena.
ricky casts a glance at jeonghyeon, who was standing with his hands clasped in front of him, his head slightly bowed. his eyes were wide with fear, his mouth lined with worry. recognizing the same emotion reflected back at him, ricky reaches over and taps his shoulder reassuringly.
"you'll make it." jeonghyeon speaks quietly but ricky hears him loud and clear, a quick smile tugs at his lips "make sure to mention me in your speech."
"i absolutely will not." he teases, "mention me in yours ."
jeonghyeon finally peeks up at him, offering his fist, "rock..."
ricky hurries to mimic the gesture.
jeonghyeon throws rock.
ricky throws paper.
it's meaningless in the end. a silly way to pretend that their stomachs haven't dropped, that they aren't waiting for one of the biggest moments of their lives.
jiwoong is called first as number eight and ricky's heart sinks. he can feel the tension spike in the crowd as well. jiwoong's rank had fallen a lot. the crowd, while filled with excited yells and congratulatory screams, switches to murmurs of confusion and anticipation once jiwoong's speech ends.
he had been confident in possibly getting number seven or eight, maybe even six if he's lucky. so seeing such a high ranking trainee like jiwoong at number eight puts him on edge.
gyuvin is number seven. and ricky can barely swallow with how tight his throat suddenly became. he keeps his eyes wide so the tears won't escape.
he glances at jeonghyeon beside him, who shares a similar fate if he wants a chance at making it into the debut group—neither of them believing they'd make it past number nine.
the duo lets out a wet giggle. it was a moment of almost delirious commiseration, an understanding that no words could express. jeonghyeon reaches out to grab ricky's hand. their fingers intertwined and jeonghyeon squeezes his hand so hard that their knuckles turn white.
taerae is sixth. ricky simply tunes out, his ears ringing, heart beating out of his chest.
gunwook is fifth.
the minutes stretch and stretch until finally the trainee for fourth place's name is called. ricky looks up towards the monitors, as he’d missed the name, each one displaying his shocked expression.
he barely registers jeonghyeon's tight grip around his hand, the roaring cheers coming from the audience. he feels a sudden wave of relief flood through his body, followed by a rush of joy.
he's quickly surrounded by the remaining boys, all of them smiling, patting him, but he can only feel jeonghyeon's hand in his. he turns back, giving him one last smile, one last squeeze to his hand before making his way down the stage.
thoroughly overwhelmed, ricky stumbles through his speech; all his practiced lines forgotten. several different languages scattering through his head, the syllables tumbling out of his mouth, but he gets his message across. gratitude for his family, and his friends, and the giant green puppy he's met along this journey.
as he finishes, he spots jeonghyeon standing at the back of the trainees. their eyes meet and jeonghyeon holds up a fist; rock.
ricky holds up his hand; paper.
and they both share a stupid giggle as if they're the only two in the giant stadium.
the rest of the announcements fly by. he's been holding back his tears but he's unsure if it's because he's so happy to debut, especially along with gyuvin and zhang hao, or if it's because of jeonghyeon, or if it's just because he's feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed.
yujin is ninth. their maknae, his maknae . it's only when gyuvin grabs his hand, dragging their youngest up the last few stairs that he feels his own tears fall. they cheer, hug one another, congratulate each other, and make sure they're all there—no member left behind or forgotten.
when he gets back to his seat, the holographic number four burning against his back, ricky stops to take it all in.
he's far away and his vision isn't the best, but he can see jeonghyeon's tall figure from here. the remaining nine all gather right at the edge of the extended stage, waiting for the new members of zerobaseone to join them.
as soon as he sees gyuvin take off—he follows.
he sprints down the dozens of stairs, his heart beating like a drum with excitement as he skips multiple steps at a time until he's crashing into jeonghyeon's arms. the two of them stumbling at the force of the impact together.
ricky laughs, the sound spilling out of his body, his cheeks still wet with tears. he wraps his arms around jeonghyeon's neck, savoring the moment between them.
"i'm proud of you." jeonghyeon says, pulling ricky closer until their hearts are beating in sync.
ricky leans back and looks into jeonghyeon's eyes, his cheeks flushing red. "i’m proud of you. " ricky says, his voice barely above a whisper, "did you like my speech?"
he watches as jeonghyeon beams, laughing softly as if all of his worries have been lifted away, " gibuni jjaejyeo ? really?"
jeonghyeon leans in, placing his forehead against ricky's and closing his eyes. the two of them stand there for a moment, enjoying each other's warmth.
"okay," jeonghyeon whispers breathlessly, breaking away from ricky to look into his eyes one last time, "i can't keep you to myself forever." he takes a small step away from him.
"you can." ricky teases, "i don't mind."
"hao-hyung wants a hug, i can tell from here." his smile is filled with mischief.
ricky chuckles and reluctantly releases his hold around jeonghyeon, letting go of the sweet moment between them, "i can hug him literally any other time." he jokes.
jeonghyeon smiles and rolls his eyes at ricky's playful attitude before taking another step backwards, arms falling from their place around his waist. his gaze is full of admiration and longing and it makes ricky's cheeks burn brighter, "i'll see you later, yeah?"
ricky nods, waving a hand at jeonghyeon before he moves towards the rest of the trainees. he's glad for the distraction of their congratulation messages and hugs but embarrassed by the attention as they bombard him.
zhang hao does get his hug in the end. the older boy playfully hitting ricky on his shoulder for making him wait so long while hes emotional.
("you're a terrible little brother, you know that right?" he'd cry into ricky's chest, "worried about jeonghyeonie while i've literally raised you since birth."
"we met two years ago." ricky giggles, "i love you too, ge.")
after what feels like an eternity of hugs and laughter, they're all ushered backstage again.
they enter the small room where their staff and families are waiting and everyone is overwhelmed with emotions all over again. he can't help the bright smile that takes over his face—not when he's surrounded by so much love.
ricky's mom is there standing in a corner and she watches him proudly with tears in her eyes. it makes his cheeks burn knowing that she's seen him perform but he still rushes over anyways, blushing further as his aunts playfully mock his movements on stage.
he's brought over with the other members of zerobaseone, body trembling with anticipation. all nine of them stand together sharing memories and laughter as they get their pictures taken.
but underneath all of the relief, the happiness, the overwhelming sense of excitement and anxiety for what his new future holds, he can only think of jeonghyeon.
(and jeonghyeon's sweater)
(the one that is so delicately folded in his backpack. he almost can't wait to take off this stupid boys planet uniform and put it on)
the celebration soon lulls and ricky seizes his opportunity to escape into the dressing room. it's surprisingly calm, everyone is just hanging around, just like they're back in the boys planet dorms. then, his eyes meet jeonghyeon's across the room, speaking with one of the star masters.
ricky watches as their conversation ends, his heart pounding. before he can think twice, ricky pounces. his fingers wrap around jeonghyeon's wrist and he starts dragging him away, ignoring the knowing looks from the others who spot them. in a matter of moments they're out of the room, ricky's heart pounding with excitement at finally being able to talk to jeonghyeon alone.
however, it's jeonghyeon that yanks him into an empty supply closet nearby and slams the door shut behind them.
ricky wants to say something wise or profound or even absurd but finds himself speechless, lips trembling as he stares at jeonghyeon's face illuminated by the faint light. his lips part slightly as though he was about to speak when suddenly jeonghyeon's arms wrap around him, pulling him in for a passionate kiss. his hands find jeonghyeon's broad shoulders, his finger's grabbing at the boy's blazer, holding him tight as if he'll disappear in seconds.
he tastes desperation and desire as salty tears stream down both their faces. every touch and kiss is full of urgency but love at the same time. every second feels like eternity until finally they part in a flurry of blissful breaths that seem to linger in the air. time stands still while the two embrace each other.
ricky buries his face in jeonghyeon's neck, tears soaking into the fabric of his blazer. it’s then that he realizes how much he loves him—how he couldn't imagine a life without a neon green sweater in his peripherals. a life without an oversized puppy trailing behind him. a life without jeonghyeon. his heart blooms knowing that he'll see him again even if it’s just peeking into his practice, passing him in the wakeone hallways, or maybe sneaking out for late night adventures.
"i love you," ricky whispers, he feels jeonghyeon's hold tighten.
"i love you too," jeonghyeon replies softly, and ricky thought his heart might burst from the intensity of it all.
they stay like that for a few more moments until they’re startled apart by a knock at the door.
"i don't know which couple is in there but the noona's want uniforms back!" the telltale screech of park hanbin comes through, seemingly assigned with the task to track down all hidden romances before the stylist's could.
said couple bursts into tear-stained, runny-nose giggles, finally taking in their surroundings. realizing how silly it is to be so lovey, so romantic in a random storage closet. how there are so many others probably sneaking around just like them.
ricky is finally able to truly smile, leaning in to press one last gentle kiss against jeonghyeon's lips, "i'll see you around then?"
unable to be serious for more than 10 minutes at a time the brunette simply smirks, "yeah, whenever you wanna refresh on my sweater." he says, "i'll wear it to dance practice, soak it in sweat."
"that is so gross, lee jeonghyeon." ricky rolls his eyes but can't hide the amusement in his expression, eyes twinkling with mischief, "promise?"
"promise."
##
green bean: hypothetically
green bean: how sweaty do u want my sweater?
green bean: in ounces pls 💚
lovelicky: lee jeonghyeon
lovelicky: block this number