Chapter Text
They say that if you want to make god laugh all you need to do is show him your plans. Cas had always hated this sentiment. Plans were what kept the world turning. If it was a good plan, even divine intervention couldn’t set it off course.
Cas knew this because he had plans of his own.
When Cas was 20 his father’s bookshop had gone to him in the will. It wasn’t much but it had an apartment above it and offered a stable income. Cas had no sense of reverence for his father but he had always loved the bookshop. It was a place of calm in an upbringing that was everything but. Up until that point, Cas had been drifting but the shop was something like an anchor. That was when the plan began to materialize.
This would be where he spent his life. He would run the shop with a love and care his father had never shown to anything. It would be a simple life but he would be content as long as it was also a calm one. Most importantly, it would just be Cas, that way the only person he could hurt with his shortcomings was himself.
God did laugh that day but it would take 10 years for Cas to understand why.
***
The woman’s name was Kelly Kline. Cas learned it when they called to tell him that she had died in the delivery room. Somehow, she had gotten entangled with Cas’ brother, the worst of his brothers. She hadn’t told him she was pregnant and it wasn’t long after he left her that his past finally caught up with him. He was serving time for tax evasion (only because they couldn’t make murder stick) when the baby was born. If fate had been kinder, Kelly would have raised the child on her own.
Instead, on a cold May night, Kelly gave birth to her son. Seven pounds, eight ounces with gray-blue eyes that ran in his fathers family and a dead mother that was just as much of a family tradition.
With Kelly having no living family and the boy’s father rightfully as far away from him as was possible by law, there left the question of who would care for him.
Cas had lots of family, but on paper, few of them looked ready to support a child. Micheal had been institutionalized three times since his 18th birthday, Raphael had a violent streak when he was young, and Gabe hadn’t had a stable living situation since he ran away from home in high school. To the courts, the answer was simple.
Of course Cas would take in the child.
*
When Cas first told the Winchesters, Dean almost spit out his drink on the carpet.
Sam, as always, managed to appear more collected than his brother but it was almost worse the way he looked at Cas like someone had just died.
Cas broke the news during what was affectionately known as the weekly airing of grievances. It was a tradition that started somewhere between the time when the Winchester’s opened their dvd and collectables store next door and when Cas had begun to consider them family. Every Friday night the three of them would gather at one of their apartments to drink and blow off steam from the work week. Usually this just meant complaining about customers or their terrible landlord and not a time to drop life altering information but who else was Cas going to tell?
“Woah Cas, that's crazy,” Sam said. “What are you going to do?”
It was a good question. Cas knew what he was supposed to do.
“I don't know,” he answered honestly. “But...they said he doesn't have anyone else. If I don't take him in, the best case scenario is he goes into the foster system.” Cas stared intently at the glass of whiskey in his hand, letting his thumb rub over the grooves molded into it. “There’s no guarantee that would land him in a good place.”
Shame settled heavy in his chest because- he was hesitating. This wasn’t in the plan- it actually went directly against the plan- but what right did he have to hesitate when the wellbeing of a child was on the line?
“Nothing’s guaranteed either way.”
It was Dean speaking so he must have finished choking on the shock, but Cas didn’t look up from his glass. He didn’t need to look to know the face Dean was making, that one that said hey this isn’t your fault without having to be vulnerable enough to actually say as much. Cas really didn’t want to hear that right now.
A firm hand on his shoulder forced him to face it anyway. Dean’s eyes were cloaked in that harshness he always used to disguise when he was about to say something earnest.
“Hey look Cas, whatever you decide, just know that you won't be in this alone. You have us.” Dean gestured with his beer from himself to Sam.
The concern was still present on Sam’s face but he did nod in confirmation.
“Yeah, we’re right next door.”
“And-” Dean continued. “-I may not know anything about babies but...well between the three of us, we could probably figure it out. How hard could it be right?”
Cas would often remind him he’d said this.
*
Cas spent the rest of that week wrapped in so much red tape it got hard to see through it.
He was only labeled as the baby’s temporary guardian but with a 30 year sentence it was a slim chance Cas’s brother would ever see his son before he was old enough to take care of himself. Before it could be official though, people in suits had to assess every part of his life to ensure he was ready for a child. They came through in pairs and asked questions that hadn’t even occurred to Cas. How would the baby be socialized? Did he have appropriate care for it during the day? What formula did he plan on feeding it? Each unanswered question added to Cas’ growing certainty that he was not the right choice for this job.
Meanwhile, the baby had been temporarily placed with a foster family.
It was an older couple. The wife was a retired pediatric nurse and the husband was a mechanic who swears he’ll never retire. They had raised four perfectly well adjusted children of their own and now they spent their time looking after babies and young kids while the courts found permanent homes for them.
The same day that Cas agreed to the arrangement, the wife, Midge, called him. Cas could feel her excitement through the phone as she relayed how happy she and her husband, Howard, were to hear that the baby would have a stable living situation. It was all Cas could do to mmhmm along and push down the guilt he felt at his reluctance to do just that. At the end of the call she had invited him over to see the baby.
He couldn’t think of a good reason to say no.
That was how he ended up on their front porch a few days later, not knowing how to feel except entirely out of his depth. Midge met him at the door with a warm hug. It was a surprise but not an unwelcome one. She then invited him in and sat him on a big green sofa in her living room while she made them both tea.
“We were so excited to get the call, as I know I’ve already told you-” Midge sat across from Cas with her own tea cup, perched right on the edge of the chair cushion. “-it’s just nice that this happened so quickly. I’m sure you’re anxious to meet him.”
She looked expectantly at Cas, who had refused to relax back into the soft cushions of the sofa. The question caught him off guard. He hadn’t expected to have to see the child so soon. In his surprise, the best he could get out in response was some sounds that were vaguely in affirmative to her statement.
The expression on Midge’s face changed. She squinted at him like she was attempting to discern something, then her lips spread into a much more muted smile than the one she had been sporting when she first sat down.
“Or maybe you’re just anxious,”She said. Cas wanted to protest but her tone and the look in her eye made it clear that this was a rhetorical question. She just wanted him to listen. This was something he was more than happy to do. Her expression resumed something more amused as she continued.“You know, my Howard made the same face when I told him I was pregnant with our oldest. He spent the whole week saying how unfit he was to raise a child. You wanna hear a secret?”
Cas lowered his eyebrows and nodded. She leaned in and he followed her.
“He really wasn’t fit to raise a goldfish at that time. Had a horrible habit of smoking and didn’t even know how to hold a baby. He’ll lie to you now and tell you that it was all nerves but I remember how little he understood at the start.” She held up a finger. “But do you know what? So was I. So is every parent at first.” She reached out and took Cas’ hand. It was a gentle touch, almost paternal (or at least what he imagined paternal to be like). “By then, little Jeanie was already on her way and he had a decision to make. He could either let that fear control him or stand up and simply do all he could to be the father that Jeanie needed.”
She squeezed his hand when she said it. She had drawn him in and he waited anxiously to hear how the story would end. When she didn’t continue it occurred to him that this was the end, at least the only end he would hear. He felt a small bout of disappointment
“That’s certainly…a lot to think about,” he said.
Midge leaned back. “Well why don’t you sit and think on it then, and while you’re doing it, I’ll go see if our little friend is awake.” She left before Cas could protest.
It wasn’t that Cas didn’t understand what she was saying to him, that seemed fairly obvious. It wasn’t even that her words didn’t reach him. In fact, for the first time since he’d received the call Cas started to wonder what it might be like if, despite everything, he actually didn’t ruin the baby's life. The tack that kept the fear pinned in place was the memories of Cas’ own father and the knowledge that as much as he tried, the influence he left on Cas was still somewhere in him. Midge seemed like a wonderfully well intentioned woman, but she couldn’t know Cas.
When she came back she was holding a fuzzy yellow blanket and just peeking out of it was the head of the baby.
He was only a few weeks old and so small that Midge could have held him with one hand. Instead he was nestled lovingly in her arms while he looked all around the room like it was all new and flashy.
Midge rocked him gently. “His mother named him Jack.” Still looking at the baby she mumbled, “poor dear.” but it was unclear if she was talking about the baby or his mother.
Before Cas knew what was happening Midge had leaned down and was placing the baby in his arms. He pulled back to reject the advance but Midge simply took his hand again and guided it into the correct position to support his head. When he was secure she took a step back, the weight of the baby now fully in Cas’ arms. He was so much lighter than Cas expected.
Jack.
It suited him.
A lot of things that for the last week had been entirely conceptual suddenly became very real. Jack was no longer just an idea, he was alive and smiling up at Cas from his arms. Though nothing physically had changed, suddenly it felt like everything had.
Cas wasn’t a perfect saint and he never would be, but he did have a home and the means to protect Jack, to give him the love that he never had.
It had been a long time since Cas had talked to Jack's father. By birth he’d been named Lucious but for years all anyone in the family had called him was Lucifer. It was meant to be derogatory but Lucifer had ended up reveling in the name. Cas was too young to know all of what happened before Lucifer was kicked out but he knew enough to understand how well the nickname fit. Their father had been distant but Lucifer had been actively malicious.
Looking at Jack, Cas struggled to see how Lucifer had any part in his creation. There was no hint of Lucifer’s cruelty in his eyes and no venomous anger waiting on his tongue. Jack was just a baby.
“How are you feeling?” Midge asked, pulling Cas’ eyes away from Jack long enough to see that she had sat back down across from him and must have been waiting for him to say something.
“I…worry that I won’t be enough for him.”
She nodded. “That’s good,” She said. “I’ve seen a lot of people meet their children for the first time and the ones I worry about are the ones who aren’t worried. That worry makes you work, that’s what he needs.”
Cas wasn’t sure that was going to be enough.
Jack gargled something and Cas looked back down at him. He’d closed his eyes and was on his way to falling asleep. Cas knew then that even with all of the reservations, he wasn’t going to back out. He could see what was at stake and he was ready to play his part.
*
Two weeks later Cas was standing over the crib Jack’s mother had made for him, watching Jack sleep soundly. They were in what had once been a home office but was now transformed into a nursery. The day had been loud as social services had buzzed around making sure everything was ready.
The night however, was silent.
The first thing Cas had done after everyone left was move Jack into his crib. It was getting late and he looked like he was about to fall asleep in the carrier Midge and Howard had brought him in. So, Cas lifted him out and walked him into his new room. At first he stayed just to make sure he was going to be alright but now, he just couldn’t seem to leave. It was an odd feeling, being alone with Jack and knowing that this was what it was going to be like from now on. The thought that this was his son kept appearing but the word felt false to him.
In the calm however, he began to hope that one day it wouldn’t feel like that.