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She could only feel guilt. It lapped at her like the waves at the beach, rolling up and over her with each breath. Rising and rising and getting closer to drowning her.
Colette gasped in a large gulp of cold air, the bracing chill a sharp reminder that she was still alive and still breathing. She stared up at the stars, taking long even breaths with her knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around her legs. The wind rustled her vest around her shoulders and she shivered into her legs, grateful to feel the cold, but somehow more lonely for it.
It was hard not to feel like she was being selfish when so much of the group’s time and energy had been spent on her rather than on saving the worlds. She’d been sick, soulless, kidnapped and now…
She rolled her shoulder restlessly and her fine hearing picked up on the clink of crystals as they shifted against each other with the movement. She bit her lip as her stomach swooped, the wave of anxiety hitting her felt like nausea. She pressed her head to her knees, biting back the bile that rose to the back of her throat. The sting of her nails as they dug into her thighs bracing as she took several deep gulps of evening air. A restless calm settled over her and she tilted her head back to watch the bright lights that hung in the sky. Their stark white a sharp contrast to the perfect darkness the wilderness provided. Their familiar light a steady reminder that not everything had changed.
The quiet shuffle of footsteps caught her attention, but rather than looking up, Colette bit her lip and buried her face into the fabric of her sleeves, wondering for half a desperate heart beat if she could pretend to be asleep. She reflected on who it could be for a moment before her heart skipped. The subtle press of a foot here and there on the smooth rock, the confident, capable stride of someone who’s life depended on their footwork. Her cheeks flushed, heart skipping even faster before she dared a glance to her left, a rush of wind greeting her as Lloyd plopped down beside her.
His cinnamon brown eyes were trained on what he could see of her face, concern furrowing his brows and Colette felt a flush of shame crawl up her neck from her chest.
“Lloyd, I-” She sputtered over her words as she unfolded herself, turning to look at him, her heart flying at a breakneck speed against her breast, but he smiled and suddenly everything caught in her chest. Her words, her emotions, the embarrassment, everything stilled.
He looked a little worried still, but she couldn’t deny that there was something comforting about the way his lips titled and his eyes softened when he smiled.
“How are you doing?”
“Oh, uhm, it doesn’t hurt-”
Lloyd made a small dissatisfied noise in the back of his throat and Colette nearly jumped, quieting as she watched him shake his head.
“I didn’t mean that . I mean, how are you doing?” He gestured to her more generally and Colette found herself blushing again, the heat bursting from her cheeks to color the tips of her ears. Oh, she didn’t deserve this. But, she stared into his earnest brown eyes and found herself smiling despite herself, this was Lloyd .
“I… I can’t help but feel a bit guilty still.” The confession flew from her lips and Lloyd's forehead crinkled as she watched displeasure sweep across his features.
“Colette.” He sighed her name and she grinned sheepishly back at him as he scooted closer. Her heart skipped as she felt the subtle weight of his slight shoulders as he leaned against her. She could feel her lips curl as his gloved hand pressed lightly on top of hers, a small comforting gesture that brought warmth and absolution to her heart.
“Thank you, Lloyd.” Plucking up her courage she leaned to the side, her head pressing lightly against his shoulder. She could feel him stiffen in surprise, but he quickly relaxed, his fingers tapping a light, nervous rhythm against the back of her hand.
“F-For what?”
“For always being here for me.”
“I-I’m not, that’s. I mean, I try… ” Lloyd was muttering by the end of his sentence and Coltte felt a giggle bubble from her chest as she sat upright and he stopped talking, a shy grin tilting his lips upwards, his cheeks an awkward pink. “....Can I ask you something?” He was biting his lower lip and Colette tilted her head to the side, watching as nervousness bled off of him in waves.
It was weird to see him like this, he was usually so confident. She could hardly believe that he was like this talking to her , but she nodded, anxious to hear his question.
“Can you tell me next time?” His eyes were shining and Colette felt her breath catch in her throat, completely caught in the deep depths of his concern. Her stomach felt like it had fallen to the bottom of the gorge before them. “... If anything happens, please.” His voice was strained now, deeper than usual as his gaze dropped, the flush spreading from his cheeks to the tips of his ears.
“I…” Colette hesitated. She wanted to. She really wanted to. She wanted to say yes, to promise Lloyd anything he wanted, but her tongue was stayed by that tiny voice that curled like a poisonous vine at the back of her mind. That she didn’t deserve it. That she was supposed to be saving him , that she was only a distraction, a detour on their true journey of salvation.
Lloyd took a deep breath before the hand holding hers gave a small squeeze and Collette found herself pulled from her spiraling thoughts. Lloyd was still flushed, but a small smile was at the corners of his lips again.
“Would…” He hesitated on the word and his gaze flicked upwards to gaze up at the stars above them and Colette was treated to the handsomeness of his face in profile. Cold swept into place as he pulled his hand from hers, pressing his own hands together in a nervous fidget. “Would it help if I told you why?”
“Why…?” Colette wondered at the word, her mind not quite catching up to what he was trying to say. Why what? She studied him for a moment longer and he nodded to himself, confidence sweeping the nervousness aside.
“I need you, Colette.” His words were clear and left no room for argument as he turned back to her, a small sad smile lingering at the corners of his lips. She felt very much like all the air had been swept from her lungs as she stared at Lloyd, goosebumps prickling all along her arms. “I need you. I need you to take care of yourself so…” The confidence was slowly leaking from his features and the embarrassed flush returned and Colette felt her heart give a very loud leap back to life, her throat caught in the rush of words that all tried to escape at once.
“Yes.” It was whispered, barely audible, but he was close enough that he smiled as he heard the word. “I’m sorry-”
“Stoooop,” he whined with a grin and Colette felt heat flare across her cheeks as he pulled her into a half-hug, his arm looping around her shoulders. “No more apologizing.” He reminded her with an affectionate eyeroll and Colette sighed, happy to lean into the comforting warmth of his body.
“Thank you, Lloyd.”
His fingers wrapped around hers and Colette’s chest felt suddenly very full. The smile on her face and heat on her cheeks were almost painful. He was just so …
“I’ll always need you.” His head shifted so that it was huddled against hers and Colette found herself biting her lip to keep from jumping up, from doing something with the sudden burst of joy that exploded in her chest. Excited tingles running from her fingers to her toes.
“Me too.” The words felt shaky in her mouth and she was pretty sure her fingers were trembling, but she could feel Lloyd’s smile against the crown of her head and the nervousness fled, suddenly blanketed by the warmth and safety that only Lloyd could provide.