Work Text:
His hand knocked Yoongi’s room door slowly.
“Get in.” A voice from inside the room made him get into the room.
Yoongi looked at him with a weird look. “Namjoon? Do you want something?” Namjoon is barely talking with anyone except for the show. Even Yoongi is known as a cold and a silent person, but people rarely know Namjoon is the most silent person in the group. For Yoongi, it’s rare to see Namjoon finding himself in his room. “Come, sit here.”
Namjoon following Yoongi’s sentence. He sits beside Yoongi at the edge of the bed.
“Do you want something from me?” Yoongi asked again with a reassuring voice. He knows something is not right. He always cares about the members even if he doesn't look like he cares, and he cares most for Namjoon because the leader carried much burden on his shoulders. Yet, he is always smiling and being silent, sharing something in his heart is not his thing.
Namjoon’s eyes were suddenly tearing. “I… I don’t know.”
For a second, Yoongi was shocked with Namjoon’s reaction. But he pulls it away quickly. Not asking why, he then slowly hugged the younger and patted Namjoon’s back. He couldn’t hear any sob, however, his back felt wet with Namjoon’s tears. It hurts to see Namjoon’s silent tears.
“It’s okay. It’s okay. Do you want to tell me what happened?” Yoongi tries to ask. The worries made him lose his cool side.
Namjoon shook his head while his tears were still dropping. He came to the right place when he was feeling down. He just happens to know that Yoongi is the best listener for him. He wants to tell him everything, but the feeling of fear got his lips locked.
“Okay. I’m not asking why. Just tell me when you’re ready, okay?”
The scene of tears continues for about an hour when Yoongi feels his shoulder become heavier.
“Namjoon?” He’s sleeping. Yoongi slowly put Namjoon on his bed and covered his body with a thick blanket, not wanting the younger one to be cold.
Knock! Knock!
“Yoongi? Come out, the dinner is ready!” Jin's voice can be heard by his eardrum.
Yoongi hurriedly went out with his silent step. Not wanting to wake up the younger one sleeping in his room.
“Keep it down, Jin-hyung.” Yoongi said while they were walking down the floor going to the dining table.
“Why? Do you suddenly have a sensitive ear?” Yoongi worries that the volume of his voice is something to be weird of.
“Namjoon is sleeping in my room. I don’t want to wake him up.”
“Oh, that’s why he isn’t in his room when I call him just now.”
“Jin-hyung, does Namjoon seem fine today?”
Jin nodded. “I don’t think he’s not well. He looks good. Why are you asking?”
“Namjoon came crying to me just now. That’s when he ended up sleeping in my room.” Yoongi said. Jin is the older in the band, so, he just lets him know as he knows Jin is good when it comes to the thing like this, and he never lets it slip to the maknae line eardrum or the other member.
“What are you saying?” Jin’s step suddenly stopped. His face looks shocked like Yoongi’s face when he sees Namjoon crying just now.
“He’s crying. That’s why I’m asking you, is he fine today? I never see him break down like that.”
“Doesn't he tell you the reason?” Jin asked.
“No. If he did, I’m not going to ask you.” Yoongi rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to force him to tell me why and put him under pressure since he’s not looking good to be in that situation.”
“We’ll talk about it later, Yoongi. Let’s eat first.” Jin stopped the topic as their feet got closer to the dining table with a few people at the table waiting for them.
“Where is Namjoon, Jin-hyung?” Hoseok asked.
“He’s going to bed early today. Better not to disturb.”
___
Namjoon opened his eyes when someone opened the curtain and the window beside him. His face looks pale with an eye bag below his eyes.
“Did you sleep well yesterday, Namjoon?” Yoongi's voice is getting into his eardrum. He had been woken up earlier in the morning today. Not because he was uncomfortable with Namjoon on his bed. It's because he had promised Jin to take a morning walk and go to the mall with him today since it’s their day off. He doesn’t want to be so sleepy when he is with Jin later.
Namjoon gives him a small nod. “Thank you for giving me your shoulder yesterday and sorry for taking your bed, hyung. I just… I’m sorry.”
“Namjoon-ah, you can sleep here anytime and you can hug me anytime you want if that will make you feel better. I'm not mad and you’re welcome.” Yoongi said. He sometimes does not understand Namjoon’s behavior. He always apologizes even if it's not something wrong. It’s good to apologize, but, when you have done nothing wrong and you apologize, what is that for?
“Get up now and go get a shower. After that, we’ll get breakfast together and go out for some walk and groceries. Don’t even think about going to the studio. You should enjoy your day off sometimes.” Namjoon’s habit that he can’t avoid it easily is he can’t let himself have a space instead of making himself busy.
“Okay, hyung.” Namjoon answered. He seemed a bit tired after a long cry yesterday.
Yoongi goes out of the room after getting Namjoon awake. “I’ll be cooking with Jin-hyung for breakfast. So, better be quick.”
___
Namjoon walked down the stairs with a black hoodie on his body matching his black jeans. The hoodie covered his head that contained messy grey hair.
“You’re here at the right time, Namjoon-ah. I’m just done cooking breakfast.” Jin greeted Namjoon as he saw Namjoon getting closer to him.
Namjoon just smiles. But it went away in a second when he heard the voice that he always heard.
They must be sick seeing you always acting like a leader of everything and not helping at all. You’re not even can-do things right, you're useless trash.
The voice telling him. However, he is not showing any reaction to the voice instead of letting himself help Jin with anything he can.
“Do you want me to help you serve it to the others?” Namjoon asked. Maybe he could rather than just sit and eat.
“No thanks, Namjoon. You better sit. I’m here to help Jin-hyung.” Yoongi answers his question.
Namjoon slowly walked to the dining table.
See? You’re useless. Maybe you will crash all the food if you help them since you’re the God of Destruction. Yoongi is probably disgusted with you because of yesterday. So, he tries to stay away from you today.
Namjoon silently takes a seat. Letting the voice keep attaching to him. He opens his phone somehow. Trying to get rid of the voice when he felt his world turning upside down as he saw a trending hashtag. His eyes feel teary.
#NamjoonleaveBangtan
#Namjoonarenotworth
#NAMJOONLEAVEBANGTAN
The other members probably didn’t see it yet. They rarely open twitter because they are busy with their packed schedule or just busy playing games. Not wanting to open social media that is full of their face.
Even if they see it, they won’t care about it or maybe they agree with what they say. Surely, they will because they hate you.
“Guys, come eat. Play your game later.” Jin's voice makes the voice in Namjoon’s head disappear. He immediately put his phone back inside his pocket and joined them. Taking a deep breath prevented his tears from falling. He had enough of yesterday.
“What do we have today?” Taehyung asked.
“It looks yummy!” Jungkook gives compliments to the food that is being served.
“Of course! My title as a chef is not just for fun.” Jin said proudly.
“So, you’re not an idol? You’re a chef now? For Bangtan Kitchen?” Suga said with a smirk on his face.
“That suits, Yoongi-hyung.” Hoseok laughed.
Jin rolled his eyes. “Isn’t it a perfect combination, chef and idol?”
“So… It’s Chedol, Jin-hyung?” Jimin teases him. It's just fun to see the older members being frustrated occasionally.
“Shut up. Just eat your food before it’s cold.”
They laughed. “Thank you for the food.” The day started with the compliment from the members to Jin who’s cooking their food.
Namjoon was silent like always. He blinks his teary eyes for a second and all the tears are gone like it’s never been there. Just a usual thing, everyday things.
“Namjoon-ah?” Jin calls for him.
“Hm? What is it, Jin-hyung?” Namjoon says, trying his best to look okay when his eyes meet Jin’s beautiful eyes. Not like Namjoon’s ugly eyes .
“How was your food? Is it great?”
Namjoon nodded before he continued eating.
“Namjoon-ah gave hyung some praise if it’s delicious please.”
Namjoon bites his lips. Seokjin must have hated him because Namjoon just knows how to eat and didn’t even appreciate Jin’s effort. Though, he never means that.
“It’s really delicious, hyung. I could eat it every day,” Namjoon gives out a small smile. His eyes tremble at Jin’s reaction towards his reply. Without Namjoon aware, he holds his own breath nervously.
Jin's smile became bigger after the compliment from Namjoon. “I love you my lovely dongsaeng! See that’s how you give praise, take an example from my lovely dongsaeng, child!” he says looking at the other members.
Jimin gives him an eye roll. “I praise you better than Namjoon-hyung yesterday, hyung. Why aren’t you calling me my favorite though?”
“Well, Namjoon-ah praise me ten times better than you. So, shut your mouth, you ungrateful child!” Jin changes his direction and looks at Namjoon who’s trying to ignore the distraction. He pats Namjoon’s hair and Namjoon’s try not to jump at the sudden act.
“Namjoon-ah, don’t worry I will teach you how to make delicious food later,” he says.
Namjoon nodded, biting his lips tighter. Not only he is a bad idol, his food that he never makes too is bad food? Is that why Jin’s offer to teach him how to make something delicious?
In silence, Yoongi is watching all his reactions, he is reading Namjoon like a book and he has to put a stop to it.
“Hyung, you got your praise well, right? Why won’t you be quiet now and eat, or we will be late for our grocery shopping later.”
**
“Are you guys done? We need to go now because the news says today’s temperature will be colder than usual in the afternoon,” Jin says, grabbing his car’s key that is hooked behind the main door as he is ready to leave the dorm.
“Let’s go.” Namjoon replies while he is wearing his shoes.
Hoseok looks at him with worried eyes.
“Wait, Namjoon, are you sure you will be alright with those thin shirts? We’re in the winter season, not in summer.” He asked. Who wears a thin shirt in the winter season? It’s absurd!
“Well...”
“Here, wear this.” Yoongi said. He gave him a nice thick black jacket and got his neck wrapped in a comfortable thick scarf. Then, he walks beside Jin who is a step-in front of them leaving the two by themselves. They are not children, right?
Hoseok giggled. He let out a small laugh with Yoongi’s act. “Yoongi-hyung really got you, Namjoon.” It’s normal for Yoongi to act like that if it’s Namjoon because he knows Namjoon cannot stand winter and he is always the easier to get sick. Not just Yoongi, everyone in the band cares more for him because he is Namjoon.
Namjoon just smiles.
You can’t even take care of yourself, your useless trash. You must be making others annoyed with your behaviors.
The voice said.
They walked out of the dorm leaving the maknae who’s been gaming all day long. They get in the lift and get down to the parking floor.
After they arrive at the floor, Jin takes his seat as a driver with Yoongi beside him and the other two in the back. Jin started the car engine and the car started to move out of the apartment building, crossing the guard post and moving on the main city road.
“Jin-hyung, how about we take a walk today? Winter is nice weather to take a walk,” Hoseok says.
“Who said that Hobi-ah? We could be freezing in the street instead of taking a walk,” Yoongi gives him a side eye. Were they going to walk like a penguin in the street or what?
“Hm, how about we ask Namjoon about that. He is a professional by the way when it comes to taking a walk or namjooning. What do you think, Namjoon-ah?” Jin asks, stopping the lips and arguing that it will start anytime soon.
“I don’t care to take a little walk in this weather. It’s actually nice weather even if it’s freezing.”
Yoongi rolled his eyes. “You should take my side, Namjoon-ah. I’m disappointed, maknae.”
Namjoon gives him a small smile. He suddenly feels guilty. You never think of others' feelings, Namjoon . “I’m sorry,” he says.
Yoongi’s eyes go wide when he is aware of Namjoon’s ‘Taking a joke to heart’. He was once like that too because of his depressive episode, so he understands well what Namjoon is through now and it’s not about a soft heart but it’s about how your brain works. “No, no, I don’t mean it like that! Seriously Namjoon, it is just a joke. Trust me.”
“It’s fine, hyung,” Namjoon says. His tone was a bit slower than before.
The inside of the car became quiet with Namjoon’s answer. Mostly it’s Jin and Yoongi because they know what’s going on with him yesterday. Hoseok just joins in the silence when he is playing with his phone.
“So, where do we want to go first? Taking a walk or grocery shopping?” Jin asked, cutting the tension in the air.
“Groceries first.” Yoongi said.
“Are you sure? It's going to take a while since we got a lot to buy. Also, Hoseok wants to shop for new clothes too.”
Yoongi nodded. “It will be relaxing to do anything after the important thing is done.”
“Okay then.”
“It’s good to have a day off sometimes, right?” Hoseok said after a while.
Namjoon nodded. “It is.” No, It’s not . I rather work all day . His inner self said.
Tritt!
Namjoon’s smartphone rings. Taking Hoseok and Yoongi's attention. He looked at the phone screen.
“Who is it?” Yoongi asked.
“Sejin-hyung.” Namjoon answered. He answers the call.
“Hello, hyung? Why are you calling me?”
“ Are you at the apartment? ” Sejin asked. His voice seems worried about something.
“No, I’m out shopping for groceries and some walk with Hoseok, Yoongi and Jin-hyung. Why? Do you want to meet me?”
“ Maybe after you’re done with your things? I have something to talk about with you. ”
“You can talk to me now, Hyung. I’m not sure I can be at home earlier.” Namjoon said. It really will be longer.
“ I don’t think I can talk about it on the phone. If it's impossible, I need you to call me after you’re done with your things, I will set up the place to meet. ”
“Okay, hyung.”
Namjoon ended the call. Did he see the trending hashtag? But it is a day-off, right? The company will not care about it . He bet they just want to give him some work or told him to leave the group because of the Twitter hashtag or because they just see how useless he is in the group. Namjoon let out a small sigh that didn’t go unnoticed by Yoongi.
“Why? What did Sejin hyung want, Namjoon-ah?” Jin asked. He just parked his car at a parking lot near the supermarket. He looks at Namjoon's face. The younger one looks stressed.
“He said he wanted to meet me after this.” Namjoon answers while his mind is going out flying to his overthinking world. What was the reason behind the meeting? Maybe he just wants to ask how their day-off was. How he feels about the day-off that comes once in a year.
Aren’t you sure it isn’t because he wants you to leave the band?
The voice in his head said.
“Yah, Namjoon! Are you hearing me or not?” Yoongi glares at him when the younger one doesn't answer his question.
“Sorry, Hyung. What is it?” Namjoon looks at him with a blank face.
“I asked if you want us to meet him with you.”
Namjoon shook his head. “Nah, I’m alright to meet him alone. Just drop me at the place later. I should be alright alone as I’m a growing man.”
“Okay, if it's like that. Let’s go out now. We have to hurry since we have a lot to do today.”
After wearing their mask and cap or the hoodie for Namjoon to cover their face, they walk out of the car.
However, as they always went out for groceries even if it is rare and far between each of them, they didn’t expect there to be a crowd of reporters at the supermarket. It’s either they are waiting for the other celebrity instead of them or they are waiting for them that maybe carelessly going out of the dorm with a paparazzi following them and end up collecting a group of reporters that is ready to pick up anything about them.
The second statement became the truth when the reporters started coming towards them and attacked them with a lot of questions. More precisely, it was asked to Namjoon. Camera flashes were flashing everywhere near them.
“RM-ssi, is it true you want to leave BTS?”
Namjoon got chills all of the sudden. It’s the topic he discussed with the company months ago. Has it leaked?
“Is it true that your fans want you to leave the band?”
“Is it because RM-ssi has no talent in the field of music? I heard that your dance is so sloppy, and your voice is the worst among the members, is that true?”
Namjoon’s head feels floating with every question he gets and the reporter's voice little by little gets slower in his ears. Are the reporters going further from them? Is their manager arriving to save him?
“How are you feeling RM-ssi about this? Do you have any opinion?”
“What do you think of Jin-ssi? Do you want him to leave the band?”
They all look shocked and Jin feels like his heart is about to drop down to the ground. When he looks at Namjoon, Namjoon just stands still, not answering any of the questions, he looks like he is not there before Seokjin pulls him inside and they rush to leave the area with Yoongi as a driver.
Hoseok is calling their manager.
“Hello, Sejin-hyung,” Hobi greeted the manager with the calmest voice he could ever give.
“ Oh, Hobi. Why are you calling me ?”
“What is happening? We’re being attacked by a group of reporters as we get out of the car at the supermarket, and they are asking about Namjoon leaving the band. Is there anything we didn’t know? Is there a rumor going out, Sejin-hyung?” Hoseok asked as he occasionally glanced at Namjoon in worry. Jin was giving him a hug with a pat on his back and comforting words.
“Do you guys need a bodyguard to get you out from there?” he asks with a tone that he uses whenever something like this happens.
“ No, hyung. We got out of it .”
Hoseok hears a sigh of relief from the other side of the calls. “Do you have something to tell me, hyung?”
“ Hobi-ah, can I talk to Namjoon ?” Sejin didn’t answer his question.
Hoseok looks at Namjoon again. “I don’t think so, hyung. Why is it?”
“ Hobi, I’m sorry but I really have to talk to Namjoon first before telling anything to you guys. He is the one to make decisions after all .”
“What decisions?” What is it that they didn’t know? What did the company and Namjoon hide from them?
“ I can’t tell you, I’m sorry. Namjoon, okay? Can you pass the phone to him, please? ”
“No, hyung. It’s not a good time now. Can you give him some time? I will make sure he calls you today or tomorrow at least.”
“ Okay, good. Thank you, Hobi-ah. I will be waiting. ”
The call ended.
Yoongi who is driving beside him, asks. “What did Sejin-hyung says, Hobi?”
“I don’t know, hyung.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s up to Namjoon, he says.”
Yoongi goes silent, glancing at Namjoon from the mirror. If it’s up to Namjoon, then it’s up to Namjoon.
**
When they are home, Namjoon goes straight to his room saying he needs some time alone.
“What’s wrong with him?” Taehyung greets Jin, Hoseok and Yoongi. It’s rare to meet Namjoon’s alone time. It must be something serious.
“And where is the grocery?” he continued.
“Something happens. Just leave him alone.” Jin answered.
When Taehyung opened his lips to ask why, Jin cut him off. “Better not to ask,” making Taehyung zip his lips tight.
Finally, they are moving to the living room. Jin plopped down on the couch. Yoongi was beside him. Hoseok and Taehyung were sitting on the corner couch getting a nice view of Jimin and Jungkook playing a game.
“You guys are back early today,” Jimin says. Often, they return near lunch. It’s a surprise they didn’t even take an hour today.
“Well...” Hoseok looks up at Jin to see him shrugged.
“So, what are you cooking today?” Jungkook asks, didn’t notice the interaction between those two since he is so focused on the game.
“We are ordering today. Choose what you want, kids.”
Almost immediately Jungkook looked at Seokjin with a sour face. “What?” It's been a while since Jin cooked. He’s been wanting it! For a person who has eaten Jin’s cooking, they must know how delicious it can be.
“Hyung, you go buy groceries, don't you?” Jungkook’s lips pout.
Yoongi shook his head. “Don’t ask, it’s not a good time. Go choose what you want to eat, if not we will be having a late lunch.”
“I’m winning! Jungkook, you are a loser!” Jimin gets up and heads towards Hoseok who is ordering food with Taehyung, leaving Jungkook pouting alone, sulking with Jimin.
“Yah, kookie-ah. Come here faster, do you want me to order you nothing?” Hoseok gives out a threat knowing the kid cannot survive without delicious food in front of him.
“Hyung!” Jungkook ran toward Hoseok and sat on his lap. Choosing the menu together.
“Get me a Jajangmyeon,” Yoongi says.
“Me too,” Jin says, closing his eyes. It’s so comfortable on the couch. He is going to fall asleep soon.
“I will go ask Namjoon-ah what does he want,” Yoongi says, not waiting for a reply before he walks upstairs heading to Namjoon’s room.
Knock! Knock!
Yoongi knocked on Namjoon's room's door. “Namjoon-ah? Can I come in?”
He hears a ‘hm’ and he puts his hand on the door knob, hesitating for a while to get in because he knows he is disturbing Namjoon rarely alone time. But then he turns the knob and gets in the room. The leader needs to eat even though he needs his alone time.
Yoongi saw Namjoon sitting on the floor leaning at his bed, looking at something on his phone. When Yoongi sits beside him, he immediately hides the phone.
“What’s wrong?” Yoongi asks, he smells Namjoon suspicious acts.
“Nothing.”
Yoongi nodded. He doesn’t want to force Namjoon to do anything he doesn't want.
“We are deciding on what to order for lunch. What do you want to eat?”
“I didn’t feel good. Can I skip lunch, hyung?”
Yoongi frowned. He put his back hand on Namjoon’s forehead like the Asian people always do.
“You are warm. Are you getting a fever?”
Namjoon shook his head. “Just feeling under the weather.”
“I will order you some chicken soup and ginger tea.”
“I don’t think I can eat, hyung.”
“Namjoon-ah, you have to eat. We are not eating much for breakfast this morning.”
Namjoon hummed, knowing he cannot refuse it.
“I’ll get you some fever reducer after lunch, okay?”
**
The lunch today was quiet. Nobody was talking. Maybe because they know how Namjoon was upset. It’s not like they were living in the cave and didn’t see the news that came up that afternoon. The news about rumours that ‘The leader of a popular K-pop band, BTS decided on leaving the group.’
“You guys… see the news, right?” Namjoon says, breaking the silence.
“We are not believing them, Namjoon-ah,” Jin said.
Namjoon didn’t believe them. If they didn’t believe the news, why has lunch become the quiet lunch he ever attends? They are lying.
Jimin nodded. “They are rumours, Namjoon-hyung and you know how rumours can be ridiculous sometimes.”
Namjoon didn’t comment on it.
“Namjoon-ah, there is something Sejin-hyung wants to talk about with you. Can you call him tomorrow?” Hoseok asks. He just had a chance to tell him about the manager now.
Namjoon sips his ginger tea. The fragrance of ginger greets his nose. He loves it.
As soon as the drink reached the surface of the table again, Namjoon opened his lips again.
“I talked to him just now,” he says, looking down at his chicken soup.
“Do you want to tell us what it is about?” Taehyung asks.
Namjoon nodded. “You have to believe the news this time. I’m sorry,” he saw Jungkook's face become pale and he heard the sob coming from the Golden Maknae. Namjoon, the Golden Maknae, Namjoon gives him the title. Suddenly he feels his own heart hurting.
He takes a deep breath.
“I’m sorry the news came out from the paparazzi's mouth before me.”
The silence occurred immediately. They are all caught off guard, not prepared for what was coming from Namjoon’s lips. In fact, they never expect to prepare for this.
Did they hate me now? Or were they happy that I will finally leave them alone?
“Namjoon-hyung what is- “Jungkook is the first one who reacts to the facts but his words were cut-off by Yoongi’s.
“Is it them who want you to leave or is it- is it you?”
“The company never makes me leave, hyung. They are too kind for that.”
Yoongi stands up from the chair, looking at Namjoon like he didn’t believe in him at all. “You are lying! You never- “he steps back almost falling on his own feet. His eyes wide opened looking at Namjoon. He knows something was off with Namjoon but he never expects it to be this serious.
“Hyung!” Taehyung, who is sitting beside him, hurries to help him sitting down again and tries to calm him down. “Sit. You need to calm down for a moment or you will be having a panic attack.”
Namjoon tries his hardest to avoid Yoongi's disappointed gaze. He didn’t like the disappointed Yoongi.
“Can we discuss this later?” Jin says. His lips were trembling and his eyes turned glassy. He tries to not let the liquid fall down when he sees Jimin is shushing over the crying Jungkook. We don’t need another crying member here. “This shocked us and we need to calm our hearts down.”
Namjoon gives him a small nod. “Later.”
“Later,” Namjoon hears Jin whisper. He saw the members leave the table one by one. Either on their own or were pulled by the other member like Yoongi who is pulled by Taehyung when he insists on staying with Namjoon. Did they hate him now to the point they didn’t let any of the members stay with him?
His heart was making a little crack. The crack will spread when it’s time either it’s now or later.
Jin is the last one that stands up to leave but not before he leaves two pills of fever reducer and a glass of mineral water in front of Namjoon. Yoongi must have told him about how Namjoon had caught a fever and how he was worrying over Namjoon. “Eat it before you do anything else. If you feel worse, tell me.”
He gives Namjoon a pat on Namjoon's shoulder. “They do not hate you for making this decision. They just worry and need some time to cool down. Please don’t beat yourself over it. I will be in my room if you need me.”
Jin gives him pats on his hair before he leaves to his room for real.
Hoseok was staying at the table.
“Why aren’t you leaving me like the others?” Namjoon asks.
“They didn’t leave you, Namjoon-ah. They need some time. It’s too much information at a time.”
“Is it?” Namjoon says. It came from his lips like a whisper.
There is a silent pause for a while and Hoseok ends up breaking it.
“Is that what Sejin-hyung wants to talk with you about?” he asks.
I’m sorry . “Hm.”
“How long has this been going?”
“I talked to Si Hyuk-hyung about t-two months ago,” Namjoon didn’t dare to look at Hoseok's eyes. So, he keeps on staring at the walnut wood table. He feels like there is a slump in his throat making it hard to speak.
“He told me to discuss w-with you guys before making a-any decisions,” It’s hard to breathe well.
“Namjoon-ah, that’s a long time.”
Why didn’t he ask why he is taking such a long time to bring it to them and get out of this team?
“Did your decision change now?”
Namjoon closes his eyes for a second. He hates this. He hates how the dance leader has to ask him that.
“No. I’m sorry,” he says with a slower voice in the second sentence.
“Why?”
Namjoon looks up for the question. Why? Why what? Isn’t it good for them? So, why?
“I will leave this group eventually even if I don't discuss it with you guys.”
“Is it because any of us?”
“No. No, I’m sorry.”
“Stop it, Namjoon. Stop apologizing. It’s not wrong to make this decision.”
“I-I’m sorry. I never mean to- “he looks up at Hoseok with a tear running down his cheeks. He wipes the tear harshly with the backside of his hand.
Hoseok let out a small sigh. He stands up and walks towards Namjoon before giving him a warm hug with a pat on his back. “It’s okay. It’s okay. You are okay.”
It’s not okay . Namjoon wants to say that. He is not being a good leader. He is not making a good decision for them. He is just thinking of himself when he is making decisions. He is selfish.
Namjoon's tears didn’t stop and he didn’t know why.
Why did Hoseok not push him away and tell him to stop being dramatic and just leave? Why is he- Why- I don’t understand. Why?
“Hobi, I try t-to stay. I- “he cries and cries and cries again.
“I- “It feels like the world suddenly speeds up or is he the one who has become slower?
“Shh. Don’t talk. Breath with me, hear my breathing rhythm,” Hoseok pats his back with a circle pattern. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
It's an anxiety attack and Hoseok knows it or to be accurate, all the members know about it even though they didn’t seem to talk much about it with Namjoon. The first time they know he has anxiety was when they are in a concert, it was the reason he has to retreat for the whole concert that day. He didn’t mean to tell them about it, but someday it will be worse and even can lead to panic attacks. So, the members were offering to learn about it.
“I’m trying m-my best to-to stay. Y-you trust me right, Hobi?”
“I trust you, Namjoon-ah. It’s okay. I can’t speak for others, but if you can’t stay anymore, it’s okay. It’s not a crime, Namjoon. It’s okay.”
It’s not okay.
**
They ended up not talking about it for about two weeks. Either it is because Namjoon was too busy like always or he is avoiding the topic and the members as long as he can.
Now, they were in a meeting room at HYBE with Bang Si Hyuk. Sejin is also there. Bang Si Hyuk calls a meeting with them to talk about something, saying they have been a mess for weeks. He is not wrong actually; they really have been a mess. It is rare to see them together now except when they are shooting. Namjoon has been busy as a leader like always plus he was avoiding the members anyway he can, so they didn’t see him anymore. Yoongi gave more of his time in the studio. Jimin spent more time dancing. Jungkook became like the old him who always confined himself in his room. Only Taehyung, Jin and Hoseok who is trying to keep them from falling apart anytime soon, calling them for dinner in the dorm even though they didn’t come, keeping the other members eating and making sure they are not overworked.
“What is happening?”
The silence decorated the meeting room. No one dares to open their mouth and answer Bang Si Hyuk's question.
“Namjoon?”
Namjoon let his nails piercing into his own skin. “We… We are fine.”
“No, you are not fine. Even if you guys want to live with your imagination that you guys are fine, I’m sorry I can’t give that. We have been walking on eggshells.”
That is true. The tension was there every time they were together. The staff were too close to them to not notice what was going on with them.
“What’s wrong with you guys? Anyone want to be honest with us?” he says.
The silence once again decorated the meeting room.
“Guys…” Sejin sounded disappointed when he didn’t see any of the members giving their voice.
“Namjoon. Namjoon-hyung was leaving.”
Bang Si Hyuk not expecting the younger one to open up first. He saw glassy eyes in the golden maknae eyes. He turns his attention to Namjoon who keeps his mouth silent, that’s unusual for the leader when it comes to the meeting.
“It’s been two months since Namjoon talked to me about it,” he says. “Namjoon, I thought you were not leaving.”
Namjoon didn’t answer.
Jin steps up into the conversation. “We talked about it two weeks ago when the information about Namjoon was leaving, leaked to the media.”
“How was the talk?” Sejin asks even if he can see the results today. The talks were not okay, it’s not even near okay.
“We… We cut half way because it is such a mess. Yoongi was nearly having a panic attack. Jungkook was crying,” Jin says.
“Namjoon was having an anxiety attack, nearly a panic attack too if I wasn’t there with him,” Hoseok said, supporting Jin’s statements.
“But then you avoid each other thinking it will solve this?” Bang Si Hyuk asks.
No one answered.
“Guys, I need your answer, your opinion,” he says, his tone sounding stricter than before.
“It depends on Namjoon-hyung's decisions, hyung-nim. He is a BTS pillar.”
Namjoon looks at Taehyung when the younger says he was their pillar. Is he?
“If he wants to leave…”
“Then BTS will fall apart,” Yoongi continues Taehyung’s sentence. “I need to at least know the reason to know if it is worth it or not for him to leave,” he states his words while he takes a glance at Namjoon.
“Namjoon-ah, I want to hear it from you. Do you want to leave or do you want to stay?”
Namjoon takes a deep breath. All of their eyes were on him, he was aware of it.
Did he want to leave or did he want to stay? Leave or stay? Leave… or stay?
RM leave the group!
He needs to leave!
He is having no talents!
Leave!
RM is ugly!
LEAVE!
Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out.
The comments he reads every time he opens his phone playing in his mind.
“…joon?”
Why did he debut in first place?
The group will be better without him!
LEAVE!
His breathing feels short from time to time. His eyes feel blurry with tears.
Breath Namjoon Breath!
“Namjoon?”
He feels there is a hand on his shoulder. But he is too deep into his own mind to even react to the hand owner.
Remove him from BTS!
Namjoon leaves!
He is a useless leader!
He should leave!
Leave!
LEAVE!
“…oon.”
“Nam…”
“Namjoon!”
“Namjoon breath!”
There is a hand shaking his shoulder.
“...oo much,”
“Don’t talk Namjoon, breath.”
“Namjoon, please breathe for me. Namjoon!”
Namjoon feels lightheaded like he is going to die anytime soon. Is he?
“Breath with me, come on.”
“Step aside Yoongi, let the medic go in,” There is a moment before he hears the other voice said.
Then, Namjoon feels the hand on his shoulder gone and there is another hand on his arm. It’s not long before he feels something cold applied on the surface of his arm and there is something that is injected into his arm.
In a few seconds, Namjoon gags the coffee he only had in the day out of him. Slowly he feels like breathing and the world slowly comes to his view. Even though he still feels lightheaded, it is still better than before.
He feels there is a hand patting his back in a circle pattern.
“It’s okay. You’re okay.”
That’s when he’s aware that he is sitting on the carpet and is leaning onto the wall and there is a tear track that is flowing on his cheeks.
He saw Hoseok who was patting his back. The other members were around him with some medic. One of the medics was putting an oxygen mask to his face to help him breathe better.
Namjoon tries his hardest to touch Hoseok's hand but the weakness of his body prevents him from doing anything.
“Namjoon, It’s okay. Just rest. We will talk about it later. It’s okay.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s okay.”
For the first time, he trusts his member’s word.
It’s okay.
**
“Guys, I need your answer, your opinion.”
Yoongi looks at the leader, he wants to see his reaction but he meets with a blank face of the younger. Usually, Yoongi can always easily read the younger ones. However, today, Namjoon is unreadable and that makes Yoongi worry his heart out.
“It depends on Namjoon-hyung's decisions, hyung-nim. He is a BTS pillar. If he wants to leave…”
Yoongi turns to Taehyung who is talking. Namjoon is their pillar. Their start. That’s why there is a saying, ‘if there is no Namjoon, so there is no Bangtan’. They start because of him and they will not end it without him.
“Then BTS will fall apart,” Yoongi continues the sentence. “I need to at least know the reason to know if it is worth it or not for him to leave,” he states his words while he takes a glance at Namjoon.
He knows he didn’t need to know the younger reason because when Namjoon makes a decision, it’s always a right decision. That’s why he is a leader, not Jin who is older, not Yoongi who is colder or not Hoseok who is fiercer.
Yoongi is sure the younger one doesn't have another choice if he chooses to leave the group. He knows more than the other members how Namjoon loves this group, how Namjoon will give anything to make a success for this group, to make them happy.
However, he needs to know why. Why is Namjoon not okay? Why is he trying so hard to keep his decisions? Why does he want to leave when he knows BTS cannot survive without him? Why?
One thing Yoongi wasn't aware of was Namjoon was expecting BTS to sail farther without him as seven wheels. He didn’t know they cannot survive without their leader.
“Namjoon-ah, I want to hear it from you. Do you want to leave or do you want to stay?” Bang Si Hyuk asks, looking straight at Namjoon.
Namjoon stays silent. He looks like he isn’t there and there is a long silence. Namjoon is usually not silent in a meeting.
“Namjoon?” Jin asks.
The younger did not budge for the older.
Yoongi stands up and hurriedly walks to Namjoon even if he tries to stay calm on his seat. He can’t see the leader like this. If Yoongi can be honest, it’s scary to see the younger like this. He didn’t move, he didn’t talk and Yoongi didn’t know if he even breathed. Yoongi worries about him.
“Namjoon?” He put his hand on Namjoon’s shoulder after he kneeled in front of him to see a better view of Namjoon.
“Namjoon.”
He didn’t realize at first. But then he notices the younger breathing become shorter time by time.
“Namjoon,” he tries to be calm and not panic.
However, he fails miserably.
“Namjoon!”
“Namjoon breath!”
“Someone finds the medic! He’s having a panic attack!”
Yoongi’s trembling hands were Namjoon’s shoulders. He didn’t see how the other members were crowded him and how Sejin and Bang Si Hyuk rushed out to find a medic in the building.
“...oo much,” the younger one tried to talk.
“Don’t talk Namjoon, breath,” Yoongi says. When he saw the tears running out the younger cheeks, his heart felt like it was going to burst because he is afraid anything bad will happen to the younger. It was never this bad before. The panic attack was never this bad before.
“Namjoon, please breathe for me. Namjoon!”
“Guys, don’t crowd him!” Yoongi shouted.
“Namjoon, breathe with me, come on.”
“Step aside Yoongi, let the medic go in.” Yoongi hears their manager's voice. He hesitated but he eventually stepped aside for Namjoon.
“Can you help me move him to the floor? The chair or the table will harm him in this situation.”
Hoseok steps up to help the medic.
“Did he have an allergy to any injection before?” the medic asks.
Bang Si Hyuk shook his head. “No, never.” He knows it because he is the one who takes care of Namjoon when he is sick. He is closer to Namjoon than any of the other BTS members know.
The medic nodded. The medic starts to swabbing an alcohol to Namjoon’s arm before the medic gives him an injection. “RM-ssi, I will inject an anesthetic into your arm now. Your arm will feel a little sting.”
Namjoon grimaces at the sudden injection.
Hoseok patted Namjoon’s back in a circle pattern. “It’s okay Namjoon-ah. It’s going to be fine.”
In a few seconds, Namjoon gags his gut out of him. He looks better than before even though he looks paler. He starts to breathe in calm too even if it’s not nearly okay.
“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Hoseok says, keeping his hands pats.
“I will let him wear an oxygen mask for a while to keep his breathing stable. He will feel better after this,” the medic says before putting the oxygen mask to Namjoon’s face.
Hoseok saw Namjoon try to hold his hand, so Hoseok held Namjoon’s hand and whispered to him. “Namjoon, It’s okay. Just rest. We will talk about it later. It’s okay.”
“It’s okay,” Hoseok says, trying to reassure him.
“It’s okay.”
“It’s okay.”
Namjoon lips repeating Hoseok words ‘It’s okay.’ before his eyelids closed.
“Don’t worry. He will be unconscious for a few hours after the injection. When he’s awake it’s normal if he feels his body will be weak for a while. Please observe him when he is awake. If he is having another panic attack, please bring him to the hospital to be professionally checked.”
**
The members except Namjoon were sitting on the couch of the living room. Namjoon was placed in his room to leave him to rest. It has been a hard day for him. There is untouched pizza in front of them. Their manager didn’t have them to skip dinner. However, none of them have an appetite to eat at this moment. They just gaze around for a few hours. Nobody wants to talk about it. Afraid it will become a mess again.
“Are we a mess?” Taehyung asks.
There is a silence answering. Proving his point was true.
“We are a mess,” Yoongi said.
Jin stands up. “I-I will go check on Namjoon.”
No one comments about how his voice was trembling.
One by one they went to their room leaving the cold pizza alone.
That night no one of them can sleep well thinking about what could happen tomorrow when the intense topic will come up again.
**
“I’m sorry, hyung. I want to avoid my contract.”
No one said anything.
They were having another meeting when the morning came. Bang Si Hyuk wants the leader to rest before the topic comes up again. However, Namjoon refused to postpone it any longer. In the bottom of his heart, he is afraid the members will keep hope in him to stay in the group any longer than that.
“Namjoon- “
“I’m sorry. I’m making my decisions, there is no turning back. I’m sorry, hyung.”
Yoongi looks at him with a glassy pair of eyes. “Why? Is it our fault?”
“No, hyung. I-I just can’t take more bullets that are directed to me. I can’t read any more comments saying I have to leave. It hurts, hyung. It hurts.”
“I’m sorry I can’t protect you from the hurtful comment, Namjoon-ah.”
Namjoon shook his head. “It’s okay, hyung. It’s not your fault.”
“It’s not okay and I’m leaving too then,” Yoongi said.
Namjoon looks confused. “What? No! Hyung, what are you doing?”
“There is no Bangtan without RM.”
Jin smiles. “Right, there is no Bangtan without our leader.”
“If that makes you happy, Namjoon-ah,” Hoseok says.
“We will follow you no matter where you go, leader-nim!” Jimin gave his high five to Taehyung.
“You are always my leader, Namjoon-hyung. If my leader is leaving, then I will leave too,” the Golden Maknae says shyly.
That day, the K-pop World was shocked by the disbandment of a popular K-pop band, BTS. Their fans, ARMY, were sad but also happy for them because they trust in BTS 'decision, there must be a reason for their disbandment. If that is a right decision for BTS, then it is a right decision for ARMY too. There is no reason to deny the disbanded of the BTS, Bulletproof Boy scouts, 방탄소년단.