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Lisa was going to die.
Of course she was, seeing as everyone will at some point. But she was going to die prematurely.
She knew this. There was always a price to pay, and now it was coming for her.
What she wasn’t expecting was how it would come.
She stared at the bloody dandelion in her trash can. There was no need to go to a doctor; she knew exactly what was happening. She had been in denial about it, but now there was no way to ignore it.
All her options were terrible. Not confessing would lead to her death. The logical side of her keeps telling her to tell Jean, but she won’t. It would end with her dying anyway, and Lisa doesn’t want to burden her that way. Getting the surgery was a no-go, she would rather die than forget Jean.
Thank the archons the library was empty. If somebody had seen her vomiting a flower, rumors would spread like wildfire.
After throwing a few papers on top of it, she continued on with her duties.
⊱✿⊰
Tea time with Jean used to be her favorite part of the day. Now, it’s the most painful.
Multiple times she has coughed blood into her handkerchief. She started bringing red ones so that it wouldn’t be noticeable.
Always, Jean would ask if she was okay. If something was wrong. She gave her multiple opportunities to tell her, but she didn’t. The answer was always that she was okay, she just has a really bad cold, it should clear up soon. It was obvious that Jean didn’t believe her, but she usually didn’t press further.
It wasn’t until one afternoon, the one where she coughed up a petal into the handkerchief, that Jean finally confronted her.
“Alright, I’m done waiting for you to tell me. What is going on with you, Lisa?”
“Nothing, cutie. It should be clearing up any day now”
“I don’t buy that for a second and you know it. Please. Just tell me what’s wrong.”
Lisa debated on what to say. If she wasn’t honest, it would hurt Jean. But telling her the full truth would also hurt her. She decided on the simplest answer.
“I’m dying.”
She jumped out of her chair. “What? No. That can’t be true. Tell me the truth.”
“It is the truth. I’m dying, Jean.”
“But why? There has to be an explanation. Someone has to be able to help.”
“It’s the price I must pay.”
“No. There must be a way to save you.”
Lisa smiled sadly. “Im afraid there isn’t, dear.”
“Tell me exactly what’s wrong. We’ll find someone that can cure you. There’s always a way.”
She couldn’t help but be slightly relieved. If she didn’t know what exactly was happening, it meant she hadn’t seen the petal she coughed.
“The only cure there is would be worse than death. This is my fate.”
“What could possibly be worse than death?”
Not remembering you, Lisa thought.
“Many things,” she replied instead.
Jean walked around the table and hugged her. She felt drops of water on her shoulder, and it wasn’t until then that she realized she was crying too.
⊱✿⊰
After that day, Jean spent even more time with Lisa. During any other time, she would be ecstatic about this. Right now, though, this was the last thing she wanted.
It’s getting harder for her to hide her sickness. Everyone can tell that something is wrong with the librarian, but nobody would dare ask.
It was just her luck that on the one day she couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time, Kaeya found her.
She must have looked ridiculous, vomiting into a potted plant in the Knights of Favonius Headquarters. She was expecting some stupid remark from him, but that isn’t what she got.
“Explain yourself.”
Lisa slumped onto the floor. “How about I don’t?”
“Nope, you’re not gonna deflect. You just threw up a dandelion. You have Hanahaki.”
“Wow, thank you for informing me of such news. I had no idea.”
He ignored her remark. “Why haven’t you told her?”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. And you will.”
“No, I won’t. You can’t force me to do this, Kaeya.”
“Give me one good reason for not telling Jean.”
“I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want her to blame herself for my death.”
He paused. “What makes you think you’ll still be dying after you tell her?”
“I know her better than you do. She doesn’t feel the same way.”
“What if she does? What if you tell her and she reciprocates?”
“It’s too risky. The chances of that are slim, if not nonexistent, and like I said, I don’t want her to feel guilty.”
“Don’t you think she’d feel guilty if, after you’re gone, she knew she could have saved you?”
She hadn’t thought about it from that angle. She doesn’t want to think that she’s doomed Jean to misery, no matter what happens.
“She won’t, because you won’t tell her. Once I’m dead, you will not tell her I was in love with her. Promise me that.”
“I can’t promise you that. Jean is just as much my friend as you are.”
“Can’t you see that I’m trying to protect her?”
“She deserves the truth, Lisa. Just think on it.” He pulled out a handkerchief. “Here, you have blood on your face.”
“Thank you.”
⊱✿⊰
She should avoid Jean. Maybe then it would progress more slowly, maybe she’d have more time. But what was more time if she couldn’t spend it with the person she loved the most?
So she didn’t. In fact, she started spending more time with her. It seems that all it took for Jean to take breaks was for Lisa to be dying. Under other circumstances, she would love that she isn’t working.
Spending more time with her meant that it was getting harder to hide what exactly was wrong. She wouldn’t question when Lisa bolted out of the room whenever they were having tea, or the blood that she sometimes coughed.
She had refused to stop working until she was fully incapacitated. That’s why all her efforts were in vain. Because one afternoon while she was delivering Jean some papers, she collapsed onto the ground, coughing.
Her vision was completely blurred. She felt a pair of arms around her, trying to hold her straight.
It was pure agony. She has no idea how long she was on the floor, trying to throw up the flowers stuck in her throat. Once the act was finally done and her vision started to unblur, she realized what had just happened.
Jean had seen. She knew.
For a while, they simply sat on the floor, Jean’s arms still around her. Lisa kept looking at the dandelions and the blood that now decorated the floor of Jean’s office. She felt humiliated that she had seen her this way.
Finally, Jean spoke. “Can I ask who it is?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Have you told them?”
“No, because they don’t feel the same way.”
She didn’t respond, holding her tighter.
⊱✿⊰
After the incident in Jean’s office, she forbade Lisa from working. Not that she would’ve gone in anyway, she was rapidly progressing.
She could barely stand from her bed, blood-stained tissues and dandelions flowing from her trash can.
Kaeya visited her a few times. He gave up on trying to convince her to tell Jean. He mainly just came over, told her the latest gossip, and cleaned up her messes.
Jean came over every single night. She refused to leave until Lisa was asleep. She made her tea to soothe her throat, held back her hair when she hurled, and wiped the sweat off her brow. The most heartbreaking part was the drawings she brought her, which Klee made for her. They both agreed it was best for her to not see Lisa this way, but it felt like her heart was being shattered in two with each drawing.
It was clear that Lisa didn’t have much time left. She could be gone any day now. The thought of confessing to Jean crossed her mind, but she dismissed it immediately. It would only make everything worse. Perhaps she could write it down and burn it. Maybe that will make her feel better.
⊱✿⊰
Jean was rushing to Lisa’s house.
Normally, she would be there at this hour. But a meeting with the Knights of Favonius ran late.
It was eerily quiet once she got there. The now-usual sound of Lisa’s cough was nowhere to be found.
A sense of dread hit her chest. Before assuming things, she went into her room.
Lisa was sprawled face down on the floor, bloody dandelions surrounding her. She wasn’t moving.
Jean hurried over and grabbed her, holding her upright.
“No, no, no. Lisa. Please. Please.”
She checked for a pulse. Nothing.
This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be the end. It had to be a cruel joke, a sick prank. Lisa wasn’t dead. There was no way.
Tears blurred her vision, but she caught sight of a piece of paper next to some of the flowers. There was a lighter near it. Some blood had gotten on the paper, but it was still readable.
Dearest Jean,
At first, I was debating writing this letter. Then I decided that you will never read it, so here goes.
I am in love with you. I am sorry for not telling you sooner, but I didn’t want to burden you. I know that you do not feel the same, and I would hate for you to blame yourself for my end. I assure you that this would have happened anyway, it is not your fault. It never was. Time has finally come for me, my dear.
All I wish is for you to continue living happily. Do not look back, and if you do, please do so with fondness, not regret. Never let me hold you back.
Yours,
Lisa
Sobs escaped her. Lisa was the smartest person she knew, yet she did the stupidest things at times. She should’ve told her. If she had told her, she would still be here. She would be alive. How was she not going to blame herself? If only Jean had known, then she would’ve told her. Told her that she’s also in love with her. She would not have had to suffer, and they could’ve been together.
She doesn’t know when she started screaming. She doesn’t know how long she was on Lisa’s floor, clutching her and the letter. She had promised to babysit Klee tonight, she had meetings tomorrow, she had countless things to do. Yet she didn’t care. The only thing that mattered to her was gone.
Lisa was gone, and Jean’s heart along with her.