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Beomgyu hates this,hates the way he feels. The sudden wave of sadness hitting him like a gust of wind on a sunny day. It's cold. It leaves him shivering,and makes his figure tremble. The way his mood changes from being joyous to feeling blue.
Shaking his head to clear the fog taking over his mind,filling up that unhappiness within him .He moves to the side so that no one will notice the way his eyes quiver as they look at the others.
Since they decided to take a break ,no one questions him as he moves to the side to sit in a corner,bringing his knees to his chest,he watches the other four silently.
They fool around like they always have,beating each other around while they practice their moves alongside. This is common,this is something which happens all the time along with him having this feeling of not being wanted among them.
It's stupid,he knows that. It's stupid to think that way when it isn't true but he can't help it ,can't help the way his heart clenches at the sight of them being happy. Hates the way he wants to be the one around them but can't . Can't because he feels like someone is holding him within him,chaining his hands and legs to the wall so that he can't move,he can't move.
He can't move and join them,can't join their silliness and can't join their laughter echoing in the practice room.
He hates it.
He hates the demon in his head whispering cruel things to him which he knows isn't true ,which is far from it.
But he still listens nonetheless. Still falls into the trap of it. Letting it consume his mind,his body,his soul until all he could think was that he isn't wanted.
He hates that he feels this way about his friends,among them the two who are his boyfriends. Hates the way he feels his body ache when taehyun and yeonjun play with each other,the elder catching taehyun by his waist as he hugs him. He should be happy,and should be content that his boyfriends are enjoying themselves. But why does he feel this way?
Beomgyu wants to reach,to go to them ,to stand between them and feel their arms around him but it feels so wrong. It feels like he will ruin it,ruin their moment,ruin their bubble they created among themselves as they look into their eyes.
Why can't beomgyu bring himself to see their love sometimes,it's right there around him in waves all he has to do is embrace it but all he does is push the feeling away,letting it evaporate into thin air as he pushes it away.
Why does he feel alone when he has all the love in this world?
He hides his face in his arms when he feels his eyes water,biting his lips ,he wipes them away against the fabric of his sweatshirt furiously,annoyed by the tears wetting the clothing.
His fingers clench at his pants,feeling them tremble, he fists the material tight to ground him.
His tears don't stop, instead it increases ,it increases as it rolls down his cheeks. He closes his eyes. Letting the loneliness within him win,letting it take over him.
Maybe he should blame his outgoing self for this. Is he an attention seeker? That he wants to feel something? Wants to feel wanted ?
Maybe he is.
He remorses himself that he feels this way . Always wanting someone's eyes on him,wanting someone to talk to him when he doesn't even reach out, doesn't even go to them that wants to talk. Self centered,selfish,that's what he is. Always thinking of himself in times like this.
Why does he feels this way when he does absolutely nothing to convey something to others.
He hates it.
Maybe he even hates himself for this.
Tugging at his lower lips until he felt the metallic taste on his tongue,he rubs his eyes again against his sleeves and lifts his head up .
The others are still there,in the middle of the practice room doing their own thing, only now they seem to choose their little spaces,their corners as they look at their phones.
They seem to not notice him. That's good. He thinks. He made sure that he acts as his nonchalant way like he always does. Even if they did notice him acting differently he just hopes that they deem it tiredness or sleepiness.
When they decide that their break is over and that they should get back to work ,that's when he stands up and dusts his clothes with his hands lightly. Even if beomgyu feels his knees wanting to melt back against the floor,even if wants nothing to do at the moment. He moves forward where the others are and gets to work.
If the four notice his puffy and red eyes,they don't say anything.
If yeonjun and taehyun try to catch his eyes through the mirror many times when they rehearse,wanting to try to look into his orbs and maybe try to find out what has happened and what's wrong. Beomgyu doesn't let them.
When they are done for the day and ready to go to the dorms,he is sweaty.
He reaches for his bag lying in the corner of the corner,turning his head,glancing at the shadow looming over his back.
He sees soobin and straightens up,hangs his bag over his shoulder.
The elder has a look on his face and when looks over his shoulder he sees kai looking at him with the same expression on his face.
Please don't ask anything.
"Is something wrong?" Soobin asks,voice soft. It's as if he is talking to a wounded animal curled up on the side of the pavement. It's as if he noticed that beomgyu is in a state of mind in which he doesn't want to be. He closes his eyes momentarily and winces internally.
Shaking his head,he tries to smile which fails. He knows it . He can see the way both soobin's and kai face fall , softening more. "Just tired." He mumbles and hopes they drop the topic.
They do. The two glance at him one time before looking at where yeonjun and taehyun are standing and walk away.
He himself doesn't dare to take a peep at his boyfriends and follows the other two outside.
Beomgyu's plan was simple after taking a fresh bath to clear his mind. Land on his bed and sleep until everything in mind and the feelings which runs within him washes away and he is back to being himself again. His happy self which everyone tends to love.
It doesn't go as planned.
Beomgyu was hidden in his blankets when he heard the door open with a creak . He peeks from under the cover,only removing the blanket until his eyes have a sight.
He might have had an idea who it was when he heard them creak,it was confirmed when he saw the figures standing by the door, hesitating if they should step towards the bed or not.
Beomgyu doesn't say anything nor does he move,he just watches them from under the blanket owlishly. They probably can't see him properly, neither can he . There's no light except for the lamp beside his bed.
Even when they decide to move towards the bed,he doesn't move ,not even when yeonjun and taehyun both climb his bed until they both can look at his face properly.
They both don't say anything either. They just stare like they are seeing right through him,observing his eyes,the way he fists the comforter in his fingertips.He gets fiddly when they do that. He feels naked when they look at him,trying to find answers within his moments.
Minutes later ,they lay down next to either side of him,close enough but not close enough to touch.
Since his bed is not made for three people,he eventually decides to turn to one of them after staring at the roof of the bedroom continuously.
When he Wiggles and turns to his left,he is met with Yeonjun's face right in front of him. Those warm and soft eyes roam over his face as he is taking him all in. It knocks beomgyu's heart against his ribcage .
He feels an uncertain hand crawling over his middle from under the blanket and he stiffens,body going rigid ,the arm which was about to round up his torso stops as he does.
When his tensed body relaxes ,he feels a palm rest on his stomach. It's heavy and it's comforting. He leans back against the body behind him a little bit.
"I'm sorry." He murmurs against yeonjun,sees the way the eldest face paints into something painful,he reaches out resting a gentle hand on his face, caressing. "Beomgyu–ah." He says,voice pained just as his face. It makes his heart ache,he feels someone dig a knife up his heart,twisting it and leaving it there. "I'm sorry–" he says again,his eyes have pricked up tears again,now they roll down his cheeks wetting his collar. He feels Taehyun press his palm harder against his stomach.
"I–I'm sorry. I'm always so sel–fish. I don't know w–why I feel– this way." He hiccups through his words,feeling yeonjun's caress his face and taehyun's hand on his stomach,his chest hurts ,he feels its pace pick up knocking against his ribcage. “So selfish..”
They both quiet him down with their touches,moving closer to him until all he could feel was them,their warmth spreading through him in waves. "Baby–" Taehyun whispers in his ears,cheeks pressed against his shoulder blades,his grip around him tightens as he sniffs. "You are not selfish,beomgyu," he whispers into his ears, reassuring him. He presses a kiss against his lobe. "Not at all. Never, baby. Never."
Yeonjun,with a press against the hollow of his cheeks,leans in and presses a lingering kiss on his lips when he feels Beomgyu's cry grow a bit louder,a sob escaping his throat. Then he feels the elder move his lips against the trail of his tears,then his eyes. "You are not anything you said,my love." He mumbles against his forehead. "You are okay,beoms. We are here. Don't think about anything else. You are free to feel anything. It’s okay.
Beomgyu shakes his head as they both shower him with fleeting kisses against wherever his skin is shown,bare for them to trail their lips against.
He didn't even say anything ,not even a word but they found out somehow . It makes him cry a little more,his body shakes as they hold him closer, whispering sweet nothings in the space between them.
He can't take it. How are they so kind ? Why are they so kind when all he did today was push them away when they tried to reach out. He shakes his head again. It's like that's the only thing he could do at this moment.
When beomgyu moves to lay on his back again,he is met with taehyun's sparkle eyes glistening with tears,he brings a shaky hand to wipe it and rests his hand against his cheeks,taehyun's hand,which slipped away from his stomach,reaches out to rest on the back side of his hand.
I'm not worthy of your tears.
Taehyun leans in to rest his forehead against beomgyu's. "I love you,bear. " He whispers,voice nothing but fondness. He can feel the love seeping through the younger like honey,eager for him to drink it. "We love you. Always will." He soaks in all of the fleeting kisses pressed on his face as he tries to even out his breathing.
Yeonjun moves beside him until he gets one of his arm under his head ,his other wraps around him. It’s warm. They both always feel so warm . "Always. That's it, baby. Take deep breaths, we got you,love."
They hold him still even when his breaths even out and his cry slows down.whispering "i love you's " repeatedly,his heart feels fluffy by the end of it all .
Taehyun moves back to lay on his shoulder,nuzzling against his neck as his fingers join yeonjun which lay limp on his stomach.
Though he is a bit calmer now ,he doesn't think he is still out of his head. But beomgyu figures it's alright. He has his boyfriends on either of his and feels rested as he doses off in between them.
He will surely have these types of days in the future like he did in the past but at least he has his loving yeonjun and taehyun by his side even if he has trouble about not being able to reach them. beomgyu, in the back of his mind knows that , they'll come to him.