Chapter Text
part i
My love has gone from me, and I will never again laugh. My love has gone from me and she has taken all light with her.
- Nghi Vo (When the Tiger Came Down the Mountain)
She makes it a few steps away from the door when she hears Maya calling out to her.
“Carina, wait—”
She comes to an abrupt halt and just about stops herself from turning around to face Maya. Closing her eyes, she breathes out a discreet sigh, bracing herself for whatever Maya is about to say.
“What is it, Maya?”
There's a quiet moment that follows her question and Carina wonders if Maya is waiting for her to turn around.
But she's not going to do that. Carina is more than aware that her unwillingness to meet Maya’s stare makes the air between them incredibly awkward and uncomfortable.
And there's a twisting ache in her chest at the fact that this is what has become of them when it used to be so effortless between them. Everything used to be so effortless with Maya. Carina never had to stop to ask herself what to say or what to do, and it's obvious that even Maya is struggling with that.
Eventually Maya realizes that she's not turning around and so starts to speak. “Can I— is it okay if I—”
Her shoulders drop as she closes her eyes once again. “What?” she asks, urging Maya to find her words faster.
She swallows down the guilt when she hears Maya taking a deep, shuddering breath. Carina hates it when she acts like this with Maya. She knows that Maya is trying. She can see it for herself.
But how long will that really last? How long before Maya returns to those old habits? How long before Maya pushes her away again?
She can't be here any longer, not for another minute.
“Can I call you? Is— would that— you don't have to pick up or talk to me, or anything. I just…”
For a split second, Carina is tempted to look over her shoulder. Just to see the look in Maya’s eyes, to see if she can understand why Maya is asking for this. Maybe even to help make her feel settled too.
But Carina hasn't been able to understand anything about Maya in the last few months. So why would now be any different? And how could she help her feel settled when she barely feels settled herself?
She balls her hands into tight fists. “Do whatever you want, Maya. It is what you do best anyway.”
Not even waiting for Maya to respond, Carina walks away. She feels Maya’s gaze on her back the entire way, holding her breath until she finally turns the corner. Carina’s sigh comes out heavy and ragged once she knows she's out of Maya’s sight, her hands shaking in protest.
She stops, slumping back against the wall behind her as she rests her hands on her knees.
Slow breath in. Slow breath out.
She shouldn't have come. It has been three weeks since she has seen Maya but it is too soon.
She can still hear the echoes of Maya screaming at her, so loud and so vicious, and so scared. Seeing Maya in that hospital bed is something Carina still has nightmares about.
The look on Maya’s face before she walked out of that room, the hurtful words that came out of her mouth. And right before the sound of anxious panic rose out of her when she realized Carina wasn't turning back…
It is all still too soon.
And despite all of this, every inch of Carina’s body still wants so much to be so close to Maya; wants so much to touch her. And oh god, her heart. It wants so much for her to let it love Maya again.
But she can't. She can't.
She can't let herself fall back into Maya's arms, no matter how much she wants to. No matter how much she knows how easy and how good and how wonderful it will feel to be back in them.
Carina just can't give in to that— that thing that constantly pulls them so inexplicably towards each other.
She cannot give in to that. She can't do it to herself again.
Not anymore.
Slow breath in. Slow breath out.
Her hand flies up to cover her mouth to keep the wretched sound from escaping her chest. There's no way she can keep this together any longer. She needs to leave right now.
At the very least, she needs to be in the relative safety of her car and as far away from here as possible.
Far away from Maya.
---
There's a suffocating tightness that wrenches tightly in Maya’s stomach.
She knows that Carina hadn't gone far once she turned the corner from the apartment. It was easy to tell when the sound of Carina’s parting footsteps had stopped so abruptly, followed by the sounds of her desperate breathing.
And maybe Carina had forgotten already, how even the quietest of sounds can echo so loudly down the hallways. But Maya will never forget it now.
Her hand tightens around the doorknob, reminding herself to breathe as she listens to the whimpering sounds of her wife trying to calm herself down. Maya fights the instinct to go to her, to be the one to comfort her. It’s less that she can’t and more that she knows Carina doesn't want her.
And it will only make things worse than it already is.
Maya doesn’t know how exactly it can be any worse than this gut-wrenching agony, but she doesn’t want to take the risk to find out.
If she had any remaining doubt that Carina is the strongest person she had ever met, she doesn’t anymore now.
After what she had put her through, after the things she said to her at the hospital, Maya never would have expected for Carina to come to the apartment so soon after she left that voicemail. She had hoped to see her, yes, but didn't anticipate it to be so soon.
Though Maya had eagerly taken in the sight of her wife with a hungry and yearning heart, she knows now that it was much too soon for Carina to see her. The pained, distrusting look in Carina’s brown eyes is one that Maya won't ever soon forget.
When the muffled sound of Carina’s whimper reaches Maya’s ears, her eyes screw themselves shut, feeling the knife twisting itself further inside her. This is what she did to them. This distance between them is one that she crafted herself. This one is on her, to be the one to make it better.
Hence her request, because she can’t go another three weeks without being able to hear Carina’s voice, even if that is in the form of her voicemail recording letting her know that she has reached Dr. Carina DeLuca and that she should leave a message if she wants Carina to get back to her.
And she does. Maya very much wants that and she’s going to take this slow and do this right. Whatever that means.
For right now, it means Carina doesn't want to see her and as much as that hurts, Maya is going to accept it. There is no other choice to make. Maya knows that this could very well be her last real chance with Carina.
So she will gladly take anything that Carina is willing to give her.