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Dearest Callum,
I write this letter not knowing how - or even if - I will actually send it to you. I don’t expect to find a postmaster where I’m heading, and I have no idea how to train a raven to find Katolis myself. It feels a little silly, writing to you when there’s a good chance your eyes will never read this page; but it’s comforting to feel like I’m talking to you, even if it’s pretend.
It’s been three days since I left.
The first day, I just ran. I ran as fast as I could, and I didn’t stop until my legs gave out. I ran so hard that I could think about nothing else, because I knew if I did, I would have turned around and gone right back to you. I had to put as much distance between us as possible before I changed my mind. That night, I all but collapsed from exhaustion and fell into a deep, blissful sleep. I was too tired for emotions.
The next day, I woke before the sun in as much pain as I’ve ever been in. Not only physically - though, yes, I was certainly sore from all the running - but more so I felt the weight of every single feeling and emotion all at once. Guilt. Regret. Shame. Fear. Anger. Sorrow. The feelings dragged me out of my dreamless sleep and hit me with such an overwhelming force that I could do nothing but scream and cry until the sun set once again.
Which brings me to today. When I woke up this morning, I almost felt numb. I found that the feelings from yesterday hadn’t gone away - believe me, they are all still here - but the realization that I had to do this helped me find a way to carry them with me. So I came up with my plan, mapped out my course, gathered supplies, and headed out.
I’ll need to be at full strength so I’m ready to face whatever is out there, which means I can’t keep moving at maximum speed. I have to make time to rest and eat, which is what I’m doing now. The problem with that is there’s nothing to distract me when I’m not on the move. I’m left to wallow in my own thoughts, and feel the heaviness of being alone.
I’ve felt plenty of loneliness in my life. Though I grew to love Runaan and Ethari like family, the first few years after my parents left were hell; and I can’t even describe the feeling of being ghosted by my entire clan. But those experiences are nothing compared to what I’m feeling now. This time, I’m alone by choice, not circumstance. I’ve left behind the only happiness I’ve ever really known. I left behind my friends, and my new home. Worst of all, I’ve left behind you.
But I know Viren is out there. Nobody - not even you - believes me, but nobody else saw what I saw or felt what I felt. I have no doubt in my mind he’s still alive and out there somehow. I have to find him and put an end to this once and for all. He’s taken so much from me already, I can’t let him take away anyone else that I love. I will never find peace until I’m sure he’s dead. I wish I could. I wish there was another way. But this is the only path that makes sense to me, and it’s one I can’t take you on.
I’m sorry. I won’t rehash everything I already said in the letter I left behind for you, but I hope you know it’s true.
I love you.
Rayla