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Gabriel isn't sure why he does it, to be honest. There's nothing in Carlos's text that should be worrying. It's short and devoid of details - Can't make it to family dinner tonight. Had to pick up an extra shift. - but that's not unusual for Carlos. It's also not unusual for him to miss the occasional dinner for work; he knows Carlos tries his best to get Sundays off but the nature of his job means that's not always possible. The same is true for Gabriel himself, though less so now that he's risen in the ranks of the Rangers. He understands that Carlos is needed elsewhere. Especially in the aftermath of this terrible storm.
There's no reason for the unease that creeps up his spine as he scans the message, but he feels it rise nonetheless. He tries to go back to his coffee and crossword, but his mind can't focus and by mid-morning the growing pit in his stomach demands some kind of action. Really what he should do is just call his son. But he doesn't. He calls a buddy at Dispatch and asks him to track Carlos's phone, off the books. He tries not to think about what Andrea would say about that.
There's a breath on the other end of the line and just a beat too long before his buddy's voice comes back.
"Looks like he's at Austin Memorial," he's told. There's another pause, a slight hesitation before he's asked, "Everything okay, Gabriel?"
"Thanks David," Gabriel responds tightly. "I owe you one."
He hangs up.
There's still any number of non-disastrous reasons Carlos could be at the hospital, but Gabriel's gut tells him something is wrong. Really wrong. He's grabbing his keys and coat before he even really thinks about what he's doing.
Once he makes it to the hospital lobby though, he hesitates. It takes him a few moments before he approaches the information desk and asks for Carlos.
"I don't have a Carlos Reyes listed as admitted, sir," the woman behind the desk tells him. His chest loosens slightly.
"He's a police officer," he tells her. "He might have brought someone in, or be visiting a fellow officer...?"
"Ah," the woman smiles but it's a sad smile. "He might be with Paramedic Strand."
She checks the computer again and then nods.
"Yes, I have him on the visitor logs. He's on the 4th floor, room 402."
He thanks her and turns towards the elevator, but her voice comes back over his shoulder.
"It's a miracle Paramedic Strand was able to save that little boy's life. Please let him know we're all praying for him."
He nods back at her even though he doesn't have the full context of her words. But he files the information away for later.
---
Carlos sits in the hard-backed hospital chair holding one of TK's hands in both of his. It still feels so cold, and he's been rubbing slow circles against TK's palm as if it would be enough to warm him up. As if anything Carlos could do right now would be enough.
He's never wanted a punching bag more than he does now, sitting here completely useless while his boyfriend fights for his life. But he doesn't move to get up, he just swallows down all the hurt and anger and loneliness and makes himself sit still. He doesn't want TK to wake up alone.
He's not going to wake up at all. He hears a traitorous voice in his head, and it sounds like one of TK's nurses. He'd overheard some of them earlier saying it would have been better if he'd died out there in the snow rather than burden his loved ones with the slow death that awaits him here, and Carlos doesn't know what to do with that. He feels a tear slip down his cheek and he scrubs at it angrily.
There's a soft knock at the door and Carlos looks up to see the absolute last person he expects standing in the frame.
"Dad?" he asks in his surprise. "What are you doing here?"
He realizes he instinctively let go of TK's hand as soon as he recognized his father, and he feels for all the world like a teenager again. He hates it.
There's a slight moment of hesitation before Gabriel says, "I have a friend who works in the surgical division, mentioned he'd seen you here. I was in the area so thought I'd check in."
Carlos makes himself stand up. He's suddenly aware of how much his back aches from the uncomfortable chair.
"My... friend TK was injured on a call," he says, hating himself a little more with each step he takes towards his father and away from the man he loves. "It's uh. The doctors say it's not looking good."
"I remember TK, we met him at the market," his dad says. He places a hand on Carlos's shoulder and Carlos wills himself not to shrug it off. "One of the hospital staff said he saved a boy's life. I'm sorry it came at such a cost, son."
Carlos just nods in response. He knows his dad means well, that it means something for him to have come here to check on Carlos, but Carlos just wants him to leave. He can feel tears still pricking the corners of his eyes and shame spikes in his gut at the thought of his father seeing him cry, quickly followed by more anger. The love of his life is dying in a hospital bed 5 feet away; he's allowed to cry about it. Fuck Gabriel for making him feel like he can't.
"Look, it was nice of you to come," He manages to bite out, moving to step out of his father's grasp and lead him back towards the door. "But I'm sure you have other things to be doing. I'm sorry about dinner at Tia Lucy's. I'll be there next week."
He knows he might be lying - he has no idea what next week will look like - but he needs to get his father out of this room before he breaks down entirely.
Gabriel lets himself be led to the door, but he pauses just inside of it and doesn't move to leave.
"I-" he starts to say something and then stops. He reaches for Carlos again but Carlos does shrug him off this time.
"Seriously dad, I'm fine," he says.
Gabriel shakes his head, brows creased in worry.
"You're not fine, mijo," he says. Then: "Talk to me."
Carlos huffs out a laugh even though it's not even remotely funny.
"I can't do this with you right now," he says eventually, and he hates how pleading it sounds.
But it works; Gabriel nods and after another aborted attempt to reach out to him, he instead turns and leaves the room. Carlos lets out a shaky breath and returns to his place at TK's side. He knows none of that was good and he's going to have to deal with the fallout eventually, but right now all he can focus on is TK. One crisis at a time.
---
When Gabriel leaves the hospital, he doesn't go home. Instead, he finds himself parked in front of Carlos's loft. He doesn't know what he's doing exactly; he has a vague thought about bringing some fresh clothes to Carlos in the hospital. But really he just wants to do something.
He's never seen his boy like that. When he found Carlos sitting in that hospital room, it looked like he hadn't moved in days. And Gabriel thinks maybe he truly hadn't. The young man lying in that bed, TK, certainly wasn't a friend. His boy was in love, and that love was slipping away from him.
But as much as Gabriel wanted to comfort him, he knows he didn't. Everything out of his mouth seemed to make it worse, to make Carlos more angry with him. He was starting to realize how deeply wrong he had been about what kind of relationship he had with his son. So he left.
But he can't fully leave it; he keeps picturing Carlos's grief-stricken face and the way his eyes had flared with anger at Gabriel. He doesn't know what he did to inspire that anger, and it makes him feel off balance. He thinks of the disappointment on Andrea's face if she knew he'd left their baby alone when his world was falling apart. He gets out of the car.
He has a key to Carlos's loft for emergencies but he's never used it. In fact, he's never been to the loft at all. He sees Carlos often - at least once a week for dinner - but he realizes now it's always been on his terms. His son has never invited them into his home.
As soon as he unlocks the door, he has a better sense of why. Because the loft is clearly not just a home, it's a shared one. There are two pairs of running shoes by the door, a stack of mail addressed to Carlos but also to TK. Everywhere he looks he sees evidence of a shared life, and it's a life that looks comfortable and worn in; it doesn't look new.
He makes his way through the loft in a daze. When he sees the bedroom framed beyond sliding doors in the living room, he hesitates, suddenly coming to terms with how Carlos would see this: a violation of his privacy. He abandons his idea of grabbing some clothes and instead leaves the loft altogether. He's so caught up in his own thoughts, he doesn't realize there's someone else on the porch until he literally runs into them.
"Oh, sorry, I- Ranger Reyes!" the person he runs into says, taking a step back. It takes him a moment to place him.
"Captain Strand," he replies. Then, after a moment, he adds, "I'm so sorry about your boy."
Captain Strand smiles and reaches out to clap his shoulder gently in thanks.
"Just thought I'd grab a few things for Carlos since I haven't been able to get him to leave the hospital." He says, and an unknown feeling starts to burn in Gabriel's chest. "Guessing you had the same idea?"
"I did," he confirms, but when Captain Strand tilts his head, seeming to realize Gabriel isn't carrying anything with him, he adds, "But I- I decided better of it. I don't think Carlos wants to see me right now."
"Oh," Captain Strand gives him a scrutinizing look. "Well, emotions are certainly running high at the moment. But whatever Carlos said to you, try not to hold it against him. Kid hasn't slept in days. I'm sure he wants to see you."
Gabriel appreciates what he's trying to do. He also appreciates that unlike Carlos, Captain Strand's son isn't just a visitor in that hospital room. So he swallows down the frustrated retort that's on the tip of his tongue.
Instead he simply nods.
"Andrea and I will be praying for TK," he tells him.
As he walks back down the steps he tries not to feel jealous of a man who may very well be about to lose his son, just because he knows his way around Carlos's loft, around Carlos's life.
He doesn't quite succeed.
---
Carlos is just about to nod off again when he hears it: the most beautiful sound he's ever heard.
"Hey baby," TK says softly, eyes struggling to open.
Carlos immediately jumps up from the chair to move to TK's bedside and his breath catches in his throat until TK smiles at him, "Breathe, breathe, breathe."
He lets out a shaky breath and grabs TK's hand again, before leaning in to kiss his cheek and pull him into his chest, careful of the wires and tubes still helping to keep him alive.
Alive.
"I thought I'd lost you," he says, not quite managing to disguise the accusation underneath.
TK's hand goes to his cheek and he lets himself be pulled down so their foreheads are touching, breathing each other in.
Alive. Alive. Alive.
"I'm sorry," TK whispers into the space between them. "I'm sorry, baby."
There's a sound of surprise somewhere in the room behind him, and Carlos pulls back to see Owen smiling tearfully at his son.
"Well look who's up," he says, setting what looks like one of TK's duffel bags down on a nearby counter. Carlos takes a small step back so Owen can come hug TK, but he doesn't go far. At least not far enough to let go of TK's hand.
He does have to let go eventually though; the doctor comes by shortly after, needing to examine TK and check his vitals. When she steps up to check the machines, Carlos and Owen both reluctantly step back to give her space to work.
"I ran into your dad at the loft," Owen says casually as they watch the doctor examine TK. Carlos feels the pit of anxiety that he'd pushed away when Gabriel left come clawing back.
"He uh. He didn't know," Carlos admits eventually. He says 'didn't' because he must know now; even if Carlos had managed to hold it together better than he thought earlier - which he doubts - if his dad was at the loft, he knows. There's no explanation for Carlos's home except the truth.
When Owen doesn't respond except with a quirked brow, Carlos clarifies, "I didn't tell my parents about TK."
He can tell that isn't what Owen expected him to say, but he's saved from further conversation by the doctor turning back to them to give her prognosis. It's good. Against all odds, TK is going to be okay. Really, truly okay.
Carlos's anxiety doesn't disappear entirely, but he feels some of the tension he's been holding melt away at the doctor's words, at the sight of TK's beautiful smile. Whatever happens next with his parents, he can deal with it as long as TK is by his side.
---
It's six days before Gabriel sees Carlos again. He'd gotten another text the day he'd gone to the hospital - later that night, a simple, TK woke up. He's going to be okay. - and Gabriel had agonized over his response in a way he never had before, second guessing everything he started to reply. So eventually he gave up and didn't respond at all.
Now Carlos is on his doorstep, looking scared and sad, but also defiant and angry, and Gabriel feels the regret pool in his stomach.
"I thought we should talk before dinner tomorrow," Carlos says as he steps into the foyer and Gabriel closes the door behind him. His shoulders are tense and Gabriel catches the slight hesitation before he adds, "if I- if I'm still invited?"
That is enough to snap Gabriel out of his own thoughts.
"Of course you are invited, Carlitos," he says, the endearment slipping out even though his son is all grown in front of him. "It's family dinner; you're family."
Carlos nods and it kills Gabriel to see some of the tension leave him.
Did he really think- ?
"Does mom know?" he asks before Gabriel can complete the thought. Gabriel winces, shaking his head slightly.
"I didn't know if you-" he starts, then stops. "I thought I should leave it to you to talk to her."
It's partially true, but the full truth is more complicated. He didn't know how to break it to Andrea, how badly he'd misjudged things with Carlos. His immediate thought had been to tell her so she could fix it, but that would mean admitting to her how badly he'd messed everything up.
Carlos is nodding again, but the tension is back in his shoulders.
"Okay," he says, like he's steeling himself to go into battle, instead of to have a conversation with his mother. "Will she... be upset?"
He looks like such a little boy in that moment, looking for reassurance from Gabriel but knowing he won't find it. Gabriel wants to punch something. Instead he reaches out and puts a hand on his son's shoulder.
"She'll be upset she missed so much of your life," he says. "Carlos, we- We just want you to be happy. You know that, right?"
He tacks on the question without meaning to and immediately feels the irony of it. Because clearly Carlos doesn't know, hasn't known this whole time.
But Carlos is nodding, saying, "Of course I do."
He's moving back towards the door, away from Gabriel, and Gabriel has the sudden, terrifying thought that if he lets Carlos leave now, he'll lose him forever.
"When you told us you were... gay," he says, stumbling over the word as Carlos turns back toward him, "I was so scared, Carlitos. I didn't know what to do, what to say. We thought- I guess I thought I was following your lead, but it's. I. I didn't realize..."
Carlos's expression softens and he takes a step back towards Gabriel.
"I thought," Carlos says slightly haltingly, seeming to search for the words he wants, "I guess I thought you were okay with it in theory, but didn't want to hear about it. When TK- he. I told him I didn't want to rub your noses in it."
"Rub our noses?" Gabriel repeats, heart sinking. "That you're in love? Carlos, mijo..."
There are tears in Carlos's eyes now and Gabriel can see how hard he's trying not to let them fall. His heart aches and he's running out of words, so instead he takes two purposeful steps towards his boy and wraps him up in a hug that he hopes says everything he can't manage to say.
"I love you, mijo," he whispers into Carlos's curls. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
He hopes it's enough.
---
"Babe, everything is perfect," TK says soothingly, wrapping his arms around Carlos's waist from behind as he nervously re-plates the appetizers for probably the forth time in 20 minutes.
He knows he's been acting a little insane today and his heart swells at the thought of how patient TK has been with him.
"I love you," he says. Because he does.
He turns around in TK's arms and steals a soft kiss that he can feel TK smile into.
"I love you too," TK says. Then, softer, "and so do your parents."
"I know," Carlos says. Because he does. He does know that. It's just-
"Hey," TK says, cutting off his thoughts before they can spiral. "It's going to be okay. I promise."
The thing is, Carlos has been so scared for so long, he doesn't know how to turn it off. After the conversation he had with his dad, he knows they want to try and he loves them for that, but that doesn't mean it'll be easy. This is his home, his home with TK, and he doesn't think he can handle being made to feel shame in it.
"Talk to me," TK prods gently, still holding him close. Carlos takes his hand.
"I just," he tries to collect his swirling thoughts. "This is ours, TK. And inviting them in, it's- I hate how much their opinion matters to me, but it- if they say something..."
"You're right, this is our home," TK says, "our life, and we get to decide who we invite into it. For what it's worth, I think your parents understand the gift you're giving them here and they're not going to do anything to jeopardize it."
Carlos starts to interject, but TK keeps going.
"But," he says softly, reaching the hand that's not intertwined with Carlos's to cup his cheek, "if it turns out they don't deserve to share this with us, then their loss, okay? You can keep the relationship you have with them now, and you and I can live our life outside of that."
Carlos closes his eyes for a moment, overwhelmed by TK's ability to get right at the heart of his anxiety. He loves that TK understands that his relationship with his parents isn't negotiable, even if they can't be what he needs them to be. But he remembers how hard his dad hugged him at the house, the way that he kept whispering apologies into his hair, and he lets himself hope. Just a little.
Maybe they are ready to be what he needs now.
There's a knock at the door and they both instinctively stand a little straighter. TK smiles and squeezes his hand reassuringly.
"Are you ready to let them in?" he asks.
Carlos takes a deep breath.
"Yeah," he says, "I'm ready."