Work Text:
“I mean…I don’t have a spare bed,” Natsuo said slowly. “Or a couch.”
“That’s okay,” Emi said with a small giggle.
Natsuo’s cheeks grew hot. “O-oh,” he said, clearing his throat and turning quickly away to fiddle with something on his desk. “I…yeah, sure.”
Emi smiled and made a soft squeak. Her ears twitched. Still pink in the face, Natsuo moved to his dresser without looking at her. He opened the drawers and rummaged around for a pair of pajama pants that were a little small for him and a soft t-shirt.
“You can borrow these if you want,” he said, presenting them shyly to Emi. She thanked him and accepted the clothes. “I-I’ll go, um…I’m gonna brush my teeth and stuff in the bathroom, you can change out here, or–”
“That works for me,” Emi said. Natsuo nodded and hurried into the bathroom, closing the door. He instinctively turned the lock. Standing barefoot on the cool tile floor, Natsuo held onto the counter and leaned over the sink, releasing a held breath. His mouth was dry.
He and Emi had been together for several months now. This was the first time she had asked to sleep over, though, and something about it had Natsuo’s head buzzing–not in excitement, he knew that much, but he couldn’t put his finger on the feeling rising in his throat. Don’t worry about it, he repeated internally. He trusted Emi and he knew she loved and respected him. He knew if he asked her to, she’d leave.
Why would you ask her to? Do you want her to leave? Why would he? He knew he shouldn’t, but thought maybe he did. He wasn’t sure. Natsuo realized his hands were shaking.
Releasing his grip on the countertop, he turned on the water and ducked to splash his face, hoping the cold shock would help set him straight. Whatever that meant. He buried his face in a rough towel and peeked up at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes looked like a scared child’s. He lowered the towel to reveal the rest of his face–the broad, straight bridge of his nose, his square jawline and subtly defined cheekbones. Features that were attractive enough, but familiar in a viscerally upsetting way.
You look just like your father.
Natsuo leaned toward the mirror and turned his head from side to side, squinting at his temples. He grabbed a pair of tweezers from the drawer to yank out a strand of red hair. He dropped it in the sink and rinsed it down the drain. He closed his eyes with a sigh. Why was he so afraid? The thought of sharing his bed with Emi filled him with anxiety. It’s not a big deal. It’s fine. You’re fine, he told himself over and over. Nothing’s going to happen. Stop worrying.
He brushed his teeth without looking at the mirror, ran a comb through his hair, and cautiously opened the door. Emi sat on his bed, thumbing through a book. She wore the clothes he had given her, which were still much too large for her petite frame. When he stepped back into the room, she looked up and smiled brightly at him. He smiled back but felt like he was forcing himself. Why did he need to force a smile for someone he loved?
Natsuo turned on the lamp on his bedside table and flipped off the overhead lights before sitting down on the edge of the bed. He lifted the sheets and swung his legs underneath them, settling his head on the pillow and pulling the blanket over himself. He reached over and tugged the string on the lamp. Light disappeared from the room and Natsuo lay on his side, facing away from Emi, eyes open wide in the darkness. She got under the covers and shifted her body nearer to him, tucking her legs against his and nuzzling her face into his shirt with a content sigh. Her arm came to rest around his waist. Natsuo didn’t move, didn’t blink. He continued lying stiffly in place, clenching his teeth and trying to ignore his pounding heart. He was supposed to feel something, he figured, with Emi’s warmth beside him, her chest pressed against his back. He was meant to feel something other than whatever it was that he currently felt. Emi kissed the back of his neck and Natsuo gulped.
“I love you,” she whispered. She kissed him again. The breath caught in his throat. Say it back. You’re supposed to say it back. Say it. He couldn’t open his mouth.
Her hand ducked under his shirt and moved slowly against his skin toward his chest.
“No, wait,” Natsuo cried, louder than he intended, lurching upright and pulling away from her. He scrambled to turn on the lamp. Emi’s hand drew back and she sat up beside him.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice soft. “I thought…”
You idiot. “No, it’s okay, I…I’m sorry,” Natsuo stammered. He began rocking back and forth. What’s wrong with you?
“I didn’t mean to go too fast, I just…” Her ears drooped and she looked away. “I just really like you.”
“And I really like you too,” Natsuo replied quickly. And he did, he really did. So then why won’t you let her touch you? He reached for Emi’s hands and held them in his own. His eyes prickled. He continued to rock. She looked earnestly up at him with big, dark eyes and Natsuo managed to meet her gaze.
“It’s okay if you’re not ready,” she murmured.
“I…I’m not…” he paused. Nose wrinkled, eyes burning, he tried to hold back the tears he felt building. “I’m not.” Why? You should be.
“That’s okay,” she repeated with a reassuring smile. “We can wait.”
He nodded, biting his lip as the tears welled up and spilled over. He let go of her hands and wiped his eyes. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Oh, Natsu…there’s nothing wrong with you,” Emi said, moving beside him and wrapping her arm around him. “You’re allowed to be nervous. You’re allowed to feel whatever you feel.”
Natsuo held his face in his hands and cried. She’s just being polite. This is so stupid. You’re overreacting. Emi ran her fingers gently through his hair.
“It’s okay,” she soothed. “You’re okay.”
After a while, Natsuo’s uneven breathing began to steady. He grabbed a few tissues from the box on his nightstand, dried his eyes, and blew his nose. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He felt ridiculous.
“Do you want me to go?” Emi asked. “I won’t be offended.”
“No, stay. Please,” Natsuo replied. “I…don’t want to be alone.”
“Okay,” she said. She hugged him tightly before crawling back under the covers. She rolled over so her back was to him, and Natsuo nearly began to cry again. Part of him, perhaps a large part, had been afraid she’d laugh at him, or touch him anyway, or leave him alone with his feelings. Instead, she was honoring his wishes, staying near but not too close, and he wasn’t used to that. Being listened to and respected wasn’t exactly something Natsuo had grown up with. It almost didn’t feel real. She’s probably annoyed with you and hiding it to spare your feelings. She’s tired of seeing you cry.
Natsuo forced the thought from his mind and turned out the lights once more. He pulled the blankets up to his chin and curled up, lying just close enough to Emi so he could feel her back against his, a reminder of reality that might keep his mind from wandering too far. His eyes roamed the dark room. Listening to Emi’s slow, calm breathing, Natsuo tried to pretend he was tired enough to sleep. He stared at the clock, the window, his desk illuminated by ambient city lights, the glint on the doorknob, a loose thread on the seam of his sheet.
“Are you still awake?” Natsuo whispered.
Emi stirred. “Hmm?”
Natsuo took a deep breath. He held it in his chest for a long moment. “When I was three or four,” he murmured, “before Shouto was born, I, uh…I had a nightmare one night. And usually when I had bad dreams I’d go sleep in Touya’s room, since he was right down the hall, but…he wasn’t home, so I got up to go find Fuyumi.”
He felt the covers shift as Emi turned over to face him. Natsuo didn’t move.
“She, um…so her room was on the other side of the house, and I had to go past my parents’ bedroom to get there,” he continued in a hushed voice. “And, uh…” He paused for a moment and laughed nervously. “I…you know how it’s like…nobody wants to walk in on their parents doing it, right?” He laughed again, clearing his throat. He wondered if he should just shut up and let Emi sleep, but it was like an outside force was driving him to speak. The words kept coming and he felt like he’d burst if he tried to hold them inside. He hunched his shoulders and pulled the blanket tight around himself as if it could protect him.
“Well, um…I heard this noise from their room and…kids get…curious, you know? But I didn’t want to get in trouble for spying so I just stood there for a bit, listening. And I didn’t know what was going on, but I heard my mom, um…she…” His voice dropped to a barely-audible whisper, “she was asking him to stop. She said he was hurting her.”
Emi drew a quick, sharp breath, saying nothing, but Natsuo could feel her gaze on him.
“I didn’t know what was happening. I thought…I don’t really know what I thought, but I opened the door, really slow, because I didn’t want them to see me, but I just…needed to know, I guess.”
“Ohh,” Emi breathed. “Natsuo, I…”
“And he didn’t even say anything,” Natsuo said softly. “He just kept…just…going. Like he didn’t even hear her. But he did. I know he did, because I did. He just didn’t care.” He fell silent, clenching his teeth and swallowing with difficulty. He sighed. “I ran straight back to my room and hid under the covers. I never told Fuyumi, or Touya, or…anyone. I’ve never talked about it before.” Why are you talking about it now? Why would she ever want to hear about something like this? “I don’t know why I told you any of that, I…I shouldn’t have mentioned it, it’s…I’m sorry.”
“Can I give you a hug?” Emi asked in a quiet voice. Natsuo nodded. She slid toward him and gently wrapped her arm around his middle. “Thank you,” she murmured.
“For what?”
“Telling me. That was really brave.” She gave him a tight squeeze. “I’m so sorry that happened. It’s…it’s awful. And you were so little…”
Natsuo’s brows drew together and his eyes darted from one object to the next as he struggled to understand. “Brave?” he repeated.
“Yeah,” Emi said. “You trusted me with something you’ve never told anyone, something really scary and really sad, and that’s not easy. It takes courage to talk about the ugly things we see in the world.”
“I…I guess it does,” Natsuo murmured.
“I’m proud of you. And I love you so, so much.” At this, Emi nestled against him, holding him close, resting her cheek against his shoulder blade. “You don’t have to say anything. I just want you to hear it.”
His eyes widened and he blinked a few times in silence. He didn’t know what to do with all this gentleness, all these kind and tender words no one had ever given him before. Not even the little cruel voice in his head could come up with something to say. He closed his eyes and released a long, slow breath. His body relaxed into Emi’s embrace. He felt warm and calm and safe.
“I love you, too,” he whispered.