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Memories have the ferocious bite of an animal. Their fangs are so sharp that they draw blood as they chew through the skin.
The deadly beast of memories threatened to eat her heart out as she stepped into the abandoned castle of glass.
Her castle.
Elsa had built the monument of ice to function as her sanctuary, as a place where she could live freely without the danger of hurting innocent people. But then she had discovered that by releasing her powers, she had also unleashed a wave of destruction. She had frozen all of Arendelle and trapped everyone inside her kingdom’s borders by freezing the fjord. When her sister had travelled up the North Mountain to bring her home and thaw the land, she had turned away and shut the world out.
Elsa had unknowingly frozen his sister’s heart and nearly killed the only family she had left.
The last memory she possessed of her palace was of when she had fought Prince Hans and defended herself from his murderous soldiers. The walls of ice had shimmered gold with her determination as the sunlight faded. She had fought valiantly; the soldiers had been no match for her.
But now as she stood in the center of her once crystalline safe haven she found that all light had vanished, replaced by the endless darkness that had consumed her soul. The debris from the shattered chandelier were scattered at her feet. She gazed around at the cracked walls and frozen barriers impaled with arrows. The silence was oppressive here; she felt hollow. She kicked away a shard of icy glass and saw her reflection in the floor.
Big eyes, tear streaks, frazzled hair. Her dress was ripped and torn. She was a mess. Certainty not the image of perfect beauty that she was expected to be.
Elsa moved away and crossed the room, reaching the demolished balcony that she had smashed in her attempt to throw a soldier off the side of the mountain. She would have killed him if Hans hadn’t stopped her.
She was a murderer.
She pressed her fingers against the banister which once held the hinges of a door and gazed out over the jagged mountains as snow rained down upon them. Ice slithered up the cracks in the wall from where she had smashed it and soon the structure was solid again. The wind blew her hair into her eyes but she made no move to brush the strands away. She couldn’t see anything anyway; the clouds had blocked out the moon and stars. There was nothing but endless night. She closed her eyes and greeted it.
Why are you blaming me? I didn’t do anything!
She shivered as the words struck her and the monster inside her mind crawled through her skin.
All you ever do is get mad at me, and then you never tell me why! You just shut me out!
Anna’s furious shouts echoed through her skull as she recalled their fight. Her sister had been absolutely livid; her fists were clenched and her face red. Each syllable was like a knife to the chest.
Tell me!
Elsa hadn’t spoken an entire word throughout their argument; she’d just stood there and taken the verbal beating. She deserved it, after all. She wasn’t worthy of anything more merciful.
Is this about him? It isn’t my fault that he doesn’t love you anymore!
Her eyes shot open and she screamed; a loud, agonizing, heartbroken sound. It was the same screech she’d produced when her sister had torn her lightly sewn heart. For months she had managed to contain her sadness; however; she couldn’t control her emotions for long. Seeing Anna every day, happy and in love… she couldn’t take it, because she was in love with him and he loved her just as dearly.
There was no room for Elsa in the equation.
Those words had been the last straw and she had lost the loose hold she had on her powers once and for all. She had erupted, an icy volcano, destroying everything in her wake.
Including her sister.
Elsa’s chest heaved with each shaky breath and she fought to compose herself. The violent wind howled. She didn’t have to guess what had happened after she had ran away from Arendelle for a second time. She had frozen the entire nation and this time she couldn’t thaw it. There was no love left in her heart.
“Well,” dark voice broke through the silent echo of her scream. Her shoulders tensed but she didn’t turn. “Look at the mess you’ve made this time. It appears you’ve created quite a predicament.”
Elsa held her breath. That voice, the agonizing, familiar voice that haunted her day and night. She stared straight ahead at the swirling blackness outside as the entire world seemed to darken. Fear leaked into her veins but the emotion was weak due to her numbness. She had no room left for terror.
“You’ve frozen everything—again—and caused so much destruction and devastation, generated so much fear… I have to say, I’m quite impressed.” Elsa scoffed when she heard this; he spoke as if demolishing everything she touched was a good thing.
“I don’t want your praise,” she muttered quietly; volume didn’t matter because she was fully aware that he heard her speak. He always heard everything; sometimes she even wondered if he could hear her thoughts. She sensed him step closer towards her as he laughed.
“Of course you don’t, you want pity. You want the whole world to feel sorry for you, a poor, misunderstood heartbroken girl who was never good enough, who was too afraid—”
“I am not afraid!” the shout belted out of her as she spun around, blasting ice in the direction of the voice. He swiftly stepped to the side before she could impale him with a frozen stake. Her eyes blazed as her grief abruptly transformed to fury and she glared into his golden serpent eyes. He chuckled lowly, clearly amused by her display of anger.
“Oh, but you are. You always are, my dear Queen, and it is pointless trying to deny it,” Pitch replied coolly. She clenched her fists, her enmity flames still burning inside her despite the fact that he was right. He was always right. She didn’t respond.
“You should be smarter than trying to fight with yourself, it’s in your nature to annihilate, massacre. You were brought into existence to eradicate everyone and everything. Your fear drives you and allows you to become your true self. A grenade.” Each syllable rang with the horrible truth, the one she was constantly reminded of but refused to believe.
“No…” her fingernails dug into the soft flesh of her palm, drawing trickles of blood. The red froze to her skin before it could drip to the floor. She resisted the urge to cover her ears.
“A ticking time bomb, that’s what you are. A weapon. You’re a knife at my disposal, anxiously waiting, yearning to kill. You want to hurt people, you want them to feel the suffering you’ve had to undergo.” He seemed to be enjoying himself, tormenting her like this, and her anger ebbed away until it was replaced with pure terror.
“No… I’m not… I’m not…” she backed away, her eyes wide. Wind circled around her, encasing her in a casket of snowflakes.
“A murderer? But you are, Elsa, you are.”
She closed her eyes, and the inside of her eyelids were painted with the image of her sister collapsing onto the ground, a huge icicle sticking out of her heart. Her shocked expression, blank irises, the red staining the carpet…
Elsa had lost her grip on her powers earlier once Anna had mentioned Jack and how he no longer loved her, how he preferred her instead… her emotions had gotten the best of her. She had freaked out and ice had stabbed her sister in the chest.
Anna was dead.
“Elsa?”
Her eyes flew open. This voice wasn’t harsh and cruel, it was something else entirely. It was soft, concerned, questioning and without the faintest hint of malice. This voice sounded of tinkling bells and wind rustling the pines. She had grown to simultaneously love the sound and resent it.
The room was no longer dark, or as dark as it had been, and she guessed that her tormentor had left. Standing in the doorway was a painfully familiar figure, a pale boy dressed in blue with eyes as wide and bright as the moon.
“Jack?”
She couldn’t believe what she was seeing… he wouldn’t come here… not after what she had done.
“What…what are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” Jack replied, stepping closer, “What are you doing here? Why did you just leave like that?”
Elsa’s heart was so heavy, weighing nearly a thousand tons. Her bottom lip trembled as she stared back at the boy whom she had once loved. Did he not know why she had fled her home? Was he not aware of her criminal deed? Did he not know of the monster she had become?
“Jack,” she said wearily, saying his name always pained her, “I…I…” the words were bugs stuck to her flypaper tongue. She swallowed a mouthful of tar and spoke again, “…I killed her. Anna. I killed her.”
Jack didn’t look surprised at all. He must have already known. His irises’ glow had vanished. He didn’t frown, not really, instead he smiled sadly, which somehow stung her much worse.
“Elsa…,” the way he said her name made her cringe, so soft, so caring, so empathetic, “No you didn’t. That wasn’t you.”
Elsa furrowed her eyebrows, “…what?”
Jack pursed his lips together and continued to approach her in the fashion that one might confront a dangerous animal. “You didn’t kill your sister, Elsa, you would never do that. You care for her too much.”
Elsa shook her head, he didn’t understand. “You’re wrong.”
“But I’m not, you didn’t—” he protested.
“Did you not see her body?!” she shouted, silencing him, “Did you not see the ice shrapnel sticking out from her chest? Who else could have done that besides me, Jack? Who?”
That finally shut him up. She felt hot tears pricking at her eyes and the devastation on his face represented the damage she’d dealt. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it, and then opened it again.
“…that wasn’t really you, Elsa. That’s what I’ve been trying to say. You didn’t mean to hurt her… you’re not a monster… unlike…” Jack explained, and his face darkened. He looked up at her grimly.
“Ann- she...”Elsa noticed how he purposefully avoided saying her name. Jack paused for a moment, swallowing hard, before continuing. “She told me about your mood lately. Your jumpiness and anxiety… sleeping habits… and I guessed…”
Elsa knew what he was going to say next; she knew what he was talking about. Ever since she had split with Jack her emotions had run wild… her old fears returning… amongst other things. She turned away.
“I don’t blame you for what happened, Elsa, it’s not your fault,” Jack explained, and she laughed, a hollow, scratchy sound.
“Is that what you think?” she questioned, and met his wide sapphire eyes with her own, “That he made me murder her, forced me to?”
He didn’t respond, and she continued, “Well, you’re wrong, Jack. Pitch had nothing to do with Anna’s death, that was all me. Blame me.”
Jack shook his head, and answered firmly “I don’t believe that. You would never hurt her—”
“You’re wrong!” she screamed, and a ring of ice shot out of her. She heard a loud thud and opened her eyes, panting heavily. She saw an indent in the wall across from her and a body crumpled on the floor. She gasped.
Not again, not again, not again…
How many lives would she steal?
Jack had been struck by her powers, and he laid in an unmoving heap across the room. She began to rush towards him, but then she felt someone roughly grab her shoulder, yanking her back. She spun around abruptly and glared at her tormentor. He’d returned. Either that, or he had never left.
“Don’t touch me!” she spat, disgusted, and his entertained smirk transformed into a scowl.
“Don’t test me, girl,” he warned in a low voice, and she mirrored his deadly expression, daggers of ice protruding from her eyes.
“You can’t stop me,” she retorted, unafraid of this man, for once in her life, unconcerned with any of the consequences that might come with defying him.
“…Elsa?”
Her eyes widened and she twisted towards the direction of his voice, and saw that Jack had quickly regained consciousness. He was propped up on one elbow, gazing at her, deeply troubled. He was clutching his side, where a layer of ice had spread across his shirt. She knew that hitting any mortal with her powers would cause serious damage, but she hadn’t known about Jack…
He grimaced and blinked several times, and she noticed that now he looked past her, pure hatred etched into his features.
“Pitch! Get away from her!” Jack shouted furiously, and even though Elsa’s back was facing her enemy, she had no doubt that his sickening grin had been revived. She exhaled deeply.
“Jack, you need to leave, now—”
“I’m not going anywhere! Not without you!” he shot back, attempting to stand up. He failed. Hot tears choked her and she realized what she had done. He couldn’t leave, even if he wanted to.
“Adorable. Idiotically valiant, isn’t he?” the laughter singed her ears.
“Shut up,” she growled, and her attention was brought back to Jack, who appeared as if he was slowly realizing his predicament. He glanced towards his staff, which had been flung nearly twenty feet away from him, before meeting her eyes again.
“Elsa… just go back home… everything’s going to be okay if you just—” he began, and she simply shook her head, water brimming in her sapphire irises.
“No… nothing is ever going to be okay again…” she replied sadly.
“That’s not true! How could you even say that? Is that what he told you?” Jack questioned angrily, and she felt her hands start to shake.
“Stop… you don’t know what you’re saying…”
“Actually, I do! He’s lying to you Elsa, lying! You don’t have to be afraid!” he insisted, and she averted her eyes, unable to gaze upon him anymore.
“Incredibly annoying as well,” Pitch commented bitterly, and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the chorus of prying voices. She only reopened her eyes when she heard the command.
“Get rid of him.”
Her eyelids shot open and she stared at the dark man in shock.
“If you really need clarification, kill him,” he ordered, and she took two steps backwards, horrified. Her heart hammered in her chest as fear threatened to overwhelm her senses.
“No, I won’t… I won’t… you can’t make me…” her words trembled, breath shortening as the bony fingers of fear closed themselves around her bloody bird heart. Her tormentor’s face was expressionless, his cold eyes held nothing, and he seemed unaffected by her response.
“Very well. Then I will,” Pitch said simply, and when he moved she raised her arm to stop him.
“No! Don’t hurt him!” Elsa screamed, and he snatched her wrist before she could hit him, his beady golden eyes turning into menacing slits. He laughed lowly.
“I was wondering if you still had that little crush of yours, highness,” he vexed, and she tugged on her arm, but he wouldn’t release her.
“Leave her alone! Don’t touch her!” Jack yelled from somewhere behind her, and she wanted to cry. She wanted to cry…
The horrible smirk had arrived again, the one that she so loathed.
“If you don’t kill him, I will,” he said again, his voice dangerously quiet, “and trust me, it’d be much worse than anything you’re capable of, highness.”
Elsa tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn’t release his hold on her arm. Her wrist throbbed with pain and she cried out, feeling the corruption seep into her veins. The blue spider webs turned black and they danced across her pale flesh. Her entire body grew numb, needles pricking her skin, and she stopped resisting. Her arm was free, and she turned slowly.
“…Elsa? Are you alright?”
Her heels clicked across the smooth, icy floor as she walked towards him.
“What happened to your eyes…?” Jack’s voice was a faint whisper in the back of her mind. She felt ice form in her palm, sharping into a pointed stake.
“What did you do to her? Change her back!” his shouts were followed by menacing laughter.
She halted and stood above him, and his eyes gazed up at her; wide, round saucers full of fear. She could see her reflection in his irises, her sharp features and the two black pools where her own eyes were supposed to be. He backed up against the wall, slowly, as if any sudden movement would set her off.
“Elsa… what are you doing?” Jack asked, his voice quiet and full of so much childlike innocence that hearing it should have torn her to shreds. But she was completely numb and his soft words had no effect on her. His eyes flickered to the frozen stake in her right hand and he swallowed hard, glancing sideways towards his staff. She knew that he was going to move before he did. Elsa grabbed a fistful of his albino locks as he lunged towards his weapon. He cried out and tried to pry her fingers off, and she felt a few charcoal tears escape from under her lashes as she drove the stake into his back.
Again, and again, and again.
He didn’t scream. He whispered though. Begging for her to stop and then reassuring her that it was okay, that everything was okay.
The numbness controlled her limbs, forcing her to rip through his skinny body until he finally stopped writhing and went silent.
Elsa released him and he dropped to the floor in the crimson pool of blood. He was still breathing ever so slightly; his beautiful features were permanently contorted in agony. The red stake, covered in oozing carnage, clattered to the ground and a raven river flowed from her eyes, which were rapidly returning to their original color. She clutched his limp body to her chest, shaking violently with horror.
She was a monster.
Shadows stretched across the floor and her enemy loomed above her, and she looked up, tears blinding her. In the darkness, his golden eyes gleamed with satisfaction.
“No, you’re not a murderer, highness. Of course not,” he mocked, and then laughed so heinously that she moaned like a wounded animal, burying her face in Jack’s hair. The laughter slowly faded away, and she knew that he had left for good. He had gotten what he wanted.
Elsa cradled his body, caressing his cheek, kissing his temple. None of her attempts towards comfort could undo her unforgivable actions, but she hugged him regardless.
“I’m s-so s-sorry…so s-sorry…” she gasped in between sobs; uncontrollable sobs that would know no end. Her tears drenched his hair so wet that it draped over his eyelids, and she rocked him back and forth like her mother used to do to her.
Jack parted his lips slightly.
“It’s o-okay Anna…I-I’m f-fine…” he rasped, his words barely audible as he didn’t move his mouth much. Her heart exploded for the thousandth time at the sound of her deceased sister’s name, and she brushed his hair off of his forehead, holding her breath so she could speak.
“You’ll s-see her s-soon… don’t worry, Jack… you’ll be with h-her again soon, s-sweetie…” she promised, and his eyes fluttered open. His sapphire irises were practically glazed over and he looked at her for a moment.
“She’s right h-here,” he murmured, and then his line of vision shifted over to an empty space beside her. The corner of his lips tugged upwards into a smile, and he gazed at the air lovingly until his eyes unfocused.
His broken body froze over. A result of being struck by her powers, no less.
A heart wrenching cry ripped out of her throat and she trembled, allowing herself to fall apart. She crumbled into pieces, internal voices screaming at her of how she was a despicable creature, a demon. She deserved to die a thousand times over, to burn in hell for all of eternity. She laid there for hours until her tears ran dry and her throat was too sore to produce any sound. She turned her head towards the balcony and the raging storm outside, destroying the kingdom. She couldn’t stop wrecking things, could she?
Elsa shakily stood to her feet, her body stiff from lying in one position for so long, and she stared blankly out into the winter hurricane. She felt the numbness slowly seep into her bones as she stepped forward, her shoes making soft, padded sounds against the floor. Gradually she crossed the room until she was standing on the edge of the balcony, overlooking the hazy mountains, the howling winds turning her deaf. She saw a speck of light on the horizon, the rising morning sun, and recalled a bittersweet memory.
Jack held both of her hands, cupping them around the sparkling snowflake, and she giggled. Her eyes widened in fascination at the shimmering ice, which seemed to glow in the moonlight.
“It’s so pretty…” she marveled. He chuckled.
“Yeah… amongst other things…” he replied, smiling, and she looked up at him, meeting his twinkling blue eyes with her own. She blushed.
“So, um, why is it glowing? My snowflakes don’t do that,” she inquired, and he smirked.
“Yours don’t glow because they aren’t as awesome as mine,” he answered and she glared at him playfully.
“Ha, very funny,” Elsa said, rolling her eyes, “But seriously…?”
Jack smiled at her warmly, somehow managing to be warm despite the fact that he was a winter spirit.
“It’s special, just like you, snowflake. It glows because it’s supposed to remind you to always believe. Will you do that for me?”
Elsa blinked and water froze onto her lashes.
“I will,” she whispered, and fell forward.
The wind engulfed her in a comforting embrace as she plummeted. The wind forgave her for killing the winter spirit. She smiled, and she caught a glimpse of the golden rays of sunlight breaking through the clouds just before she crashed onto the rocks below.
Elsa became blissfully numb and rejoined her loved ones.