Chapter Text
SYNOPSIS ;
— in which he ditched his assistant and
erased himself from everyone’s memory
through the irminsul.
“My heart screamed for you but my brain couldn’t remember you.”
YOU STARED AT Scaramouche’s letter in shock. You felt as if the world died down the moment you read those following words; ‘I’m not coming back.’ He wrote.
His handwriting was kind of messy, it was as if he was rushing as he wrote this. But that didn’t matter. It was the least of your worries.
As you continued to stare at the paper, a frown started to form on your face. You trusted him. You knew he was smart enough not to do this. It’s not like you didn’t expect this from him, but ditching you— seriously?!
You were offended. You could hear your heart shattering as you reread his letter over and over again. It was short yet straight to the point— that’s why it hurt .
You let out a shaky sigh, running your hand through your hair. As you read the letter again. Your lips were quivering in sadness, frustration, and fear. You knew he’d do this when he gets what he wants, but you didn’t know he’d do it to you too.
Dear [name],
I successfully got the gnosis. I have no means of returning to the fatui for I finally got what I’ve been looking for this whole time. I’ve found my heart. I’m expecting you not to write back, so don’t.
I will be ditching the Fatui and I hope this is the last time you’ll hear from me as I do not want you in my life anymore.
You’ve done tons for me like what a mere servant would do. Do not expect me to be grateful for what you’ve done. You’re nothing but a mere tool that helped me get closer to my victory.
I’m never coming back home. I will no longer come back to Snezhnaya. Do not look for me and do not wait for me. I don’t want to hear anything from you again.
This letter is the last time I will be interacting with you.
SENDER : Unknown
Despite the letter being from anonymous, you knew that handwriting all too well.
Why did he ditch you all of a sudden? The two of you were okay last time. Sure, the two of you had no kind of romantic relationship but the feeling was mutual, you were sure of it . Or was he just using you this whole time?
Your thoughts were hazy, full of ‘what if’s.
You remember the very first time you kissed Scaramouche. It was a majestic feeling; to feel his lips against yours. You would want to recreate that scene if possible.
Later that night after the two of you shared your kiss, you asked him if you and him were a couple now. Unfortunately, Scaramouche denied and rejected your offer. He told you that it would be best if the two of you maintained that superior-assistant kind of relationship.
You didn’t know how to react. You were flabbergasted, with a confused frown plastered all over your face. You wanted to write him a letter but he told you not to respond because he didn’t want to hear anything from you again.
As your eyes scanned the paper again and again, you finally teared up. You let out a sharp sigh, inmediately wiping your tears, only for another to fall again.
‘Oh, my god…’ you mentally communicated with yourself, trying to find comfort in something. Unfortunately, memories you've had with Scaramouche are the only thing you can think about.
“You mean, the electro gnosis is your heart?” you asked the male, curious to know more about his past. You enjoyed talking to him, it brought you happiness even though the topic was kind of dark.
He told you his backstory, something he never told anyone. This signifies how much the male trusted you; You wondered why since he also had other assistants before.
“My heart… yes,” he responded softly, staring at the frozen pond. The two of you were taking a stroll around the Zapolyarny palace, walking hand in hand. Though, occasionally, he would pull his hands away from you due to the Fatui agents around the area.
No one knows that the two of you are kind of together. He didn’t want anyone to know.
Just as you were about to take another step in the snowy ground, he stopped walking, causing you to halt from your tracks as well. “With or without a heart…” he mumbled, his eyes still om the frozen lake. “Do you think I’ll still be able to love someone?” he asked, raising his voice a little.
“Right?! You’re not like the others, right?..” he questioned, his eyes now landing on your figure who stared at him in shock due to his sudden outburst. “You’re not like them! I know you. I know you will never abandon me.” He told himself, feeling so sure.
Both of you knew what he was saying wasn’t far from the truth.
You will never leave him. Never .
“With or without a heart, you can.” You answered what your feelings told you to. You were so in love that you’d do anything to feed his delusions. It was a crazy type of love.
Scaramouche lets out a sigh of relief, his hand finding its way to intertwine with yours once more. He held it tigntly, feeling scared that if he let go of your hand even the slightest, you’d disappear. “Good.. good,” he responded at your statement. “Because I love you. I just know if it.” he added, smiling back at you.
“Kunikuzushi, p-please! Take me with you…! Please, please,” you begged, willing to get down on your knees for this man just so he would take you with him on this mission.
He stared at you with a scowl, not intrigued even in the slightest. He didn’t care. He didn’t want you there. “No.” He stated in a flat tone, refusing to look at your eyes that swelled with tears.
He hated it when you cried. You knew that. He yelled at you one time for crying. You didn’t know why. Perhaps he was sensitive to negative human emotions? You never knew. He wasn’t open about what he’s thinking. It was hard to read him.
He wasn’t human, after all.
While you, a fool in his eyes, was a human, a kind that he despised the most, yet he fell in love with you. The idea of you. He loved you.
Or that’s what you like to think. He never showed it and you never felt it. But you were delusional and crazy in love that you romanticized every little interactions you had with him.
“But…” you tried to protest, voice faltering midway when you found yourself choking in your own tears. “Kunikuzushi! If you’re planning to run away, bring me with you. I’m always with you, right? We’re a team!..” you tried to convince him? your knees on the verge of giving up.
“Enough, [name] .” The way he said your name was cold that it sent shivers down your spine. “Are you seriously planning to disobey an order from someone whose position is higher than you? Be a good assistant and do as I say. You’re staying in Snezhnaya.”
“No!” You were opposed to this idea. “We went to Inazuma several times already! I’m still with you! I’ll always be with you!” You knew you were making zero sense but you tried your best to communicate and get inside his head. “La Signora is still at Liyue with Childe. You still hVe time so—”
“ARE YOU STUPID OR JUST DEAF ?” He snapped, a dark scowl in his face. And finally, he looked at you. His eyes was full of hatred, as if he refused to let anything stop him— not even you, the one he declared his love for.
The moment his eyes pierced yours, your knees gave up, feeling weak at his mercy. You just kneeled there pathetically, unable to do anything. You helped Scaramouche set up the delusions the moment Vision Hunt Decree started, so why abandon you now?! You were furious but you couldn’t do anything about it.
You were his assistant, just his assistant. Nothing more than that. Not his lover, not his heart. His assistant .
But one thing you know is for sure despite him treating you and viewing you that way. He was your everything.
You’d trade your heart with him just so he could fulfill his dream about having one.
You’d do anything.
It was sad because he wouldn’t do the same .
A FEW MONTHS passed after that. Scaramouche erased himself from everyone’s memory through the irminsul. He gave up on his life, not caring about a single thing.
Except for you.
After losing the electro gnosis, he somewhat became Nahida’s prisoner. He was tasked by the Dendro Archon to do a research about Teyvat and the Fatui; which he obliged since he had nothing else to do.
The fatui was after him so even if he tried to run away from the Akademiya, it was no use:
He wanted a second chance with life. He didn’t know where to start. He missed you. He missed you so bad.
He was on the verge of sending you the letter he wrote for you. But Nahida told him not to, since he deleted himself from the Irminsul, you wouldn’t remember him.
As for Scaramouche, he just wanted to say goodbye for the last time since he knew he wouldn’t get that second chance with you even if he tried.
Dear [name],
Hey, how are you these days? I don’t know why I’m writing to you ‘cause I know for a reason that I won’t send it anyway. Perhaps it’s my way of letting my feelings out—like what you told me. I remember when you taught me how to ‘cope’ and it didn’t end well.
Anyway, I miss you. I have no rights to say this, I truly don’t, and as much as I don’t want to, I do. I miss you. I miss holding your hand, kissing your lips, looking at your eyes lovingly.
I know I only said it once or twice and I never acted like it but I love you, from the bottom of my heart, I mean that.
Although, apparently, I have none. I have no heart.
But that doesn’t matter, right? You told me that I can still love with or without a heart. But I wonder, do I ever cross your mind? Or have you found another person to give your love to?
I love you so much that I didn’t brought you to Inazuma with me that day because I didn’t want to bring you harm.
I love you so much that I told you to stay away from me because I didn’t want the Fatui to be after you too.
I love you so much that I pushed you away because I didn’t want you to force yourself to solve my own problems for me.
But I don’t love you enough because I craved for a real heart.
I don’t love you enough because I didn’t bring you to Inazuma with me.
And I don’t love you enough because if I love you so much, I would actually send this letter.
I’ve been a selfish person since so there’s no hiding anymore. Please don’t fall in love with someone else. Please always have your heart reserved for me.
I might not come back but please, wait for me. I’ll come home to you soon, I think.
You might not remember me, how foolish. I hope if ever I find you again, you can love me once more.
Lovingly yours,
Your Kunikuzushi.
Scaramouche reread and reread his letter, the urge to send it was there. It was right there. But for some reason, he didn’t want to. It was no use for him anyway.
What benefit would he get from that? Nothing. He would just end up humiliating himself because you don’t remember him!
A few weeks back, a certain male wouldn’t stop bugging the Dendro Archon to check up on you. “How… are they?” Scaramouche found himself asking Nahida for the nth time this week.
The archon let out a chuckle at how worried Scaramouche was for you. It was a fascinating sight. To think that the person who hated humans fell inlove with a human.
“They’re doing well, don’t worry, Balladeer.” Nahida reassured the indigo-haired, giving him a smile big enough to ease his worries. Though it was not enough to convince him. He wanted to see how you were doing.
YOU WOKE UP from your deep sleep and suddenly, you felt empty. It was as if you lost your purpose in life. Letting out a soft yawn, you were about to go back to sleep until you noticed yourself tearing up for no reason at all.
There was a pain in your chest but you didn’t know why it was hurting. You sat up from your bed, turning your attention at the side of the bed with a confused look.
Why were you sleeping at the very left side of the bed with several pillows on the right aide? It was as if you were waiting for someone to finally sleep beside you again. As you looked around the room, your head started to spin.
You were on the verge of crying again and the familiar sting in your chest was back. ‘What…’ you tried to form a sentence but you couldn’t. A tear rolled down your cheeks. You were so emotional today. However, you didn’t know why.
It was as if you forgot something. Something importanr to you. Something valuable like a diamond whom you considered a star.
But it was merely nothing but a deleted memory that your heart screamed for but your brain refused to remember.
THIS IS WHAT Scaramouche regrets the most. He wished that in another life, he loved you enough that he brought you to Inazuma with him.
Or perhaps… in another life where the two of you weren’t bound to break apart. A life where he wasn’t a puppet or anything, and a life where he loved you just as much as you loved him.
It was quite disappointing. He was your world yet you were nothing but a mere land in a small planet to him.
Always in the back of his mind, you’ll live there. He met you at the wrong time but one day, maybe you’ll meet him again.
He left you. For better or for worse, he didn’t know what it’s worth but at least you were safe from the Fatui and the obstacles you would’ve went through if he brought you to Inazuma.
He didn’t know a thing. Would he regret this? He wasn’t sure just yet. But he was starting to grieve. And all he knows and he’s definitely sure of is that he was enchanted to meet you.
END