Chapter Text
He started using suppressants when he realized the scent of sadness clinging to his skin was effecting those around him. Alphas would begin gathering in his vicinity, their instincts driving them to try and sooth the distressed omega he hated being.
He just wanted to be normal. If he couldn't be happy, then some semblance of normal was enough.
He didn't need an alpha to save him. Not if he couldn't have his alpha.
And so he started using suppressants and scent-reducing soaps and bodywashes. Consciously changed the way he stood and walked. Changed his body language as much as he could manage, which sometimes came across as jerky and odd, but he didn't care.
He started pretending to be a beta. Adapting the whole of himself so that he could ignore the aching emptiness at the center of his being. The place where his alpha no longer was.
He knew she was dead. But he refused to believe it. Wasted his savings on endless searches of the area where her ship had gone down. Because he refused to let her go so easily. Even though his bond mark had faded to dull scar tissue and the heart of him had gone cold, empty, the essence of her drained to nothing.
If he hadn't had Hime... He didn't know what he would have done. But he rather thought he would have faded away too.
Kakushi woke up every morning and served Hime breakfast. He brushed her hair and got her ready for school. He went to work. He came home. He ate dinner with Hime. He went to bed. And he did it all again. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.
The gaping hole where his alpha had once been was a constant ache. Like a bad tooth that no dentist was able to fix.
He hated the way he felt, but he didn't know any other way to be. Not without his alpha. His light. His life. The other half of his soul.
The suppressants helped in that he didn't go through Heats and he didn't reek of omega pheromones. They let him pass as a beta, and that gave him a distance from those around him that he'd never had before, not since he'd first presented at 12 years old.
But the suppressants also numbed him. Dulled his edges.
There were mornings where he woke up and still felt as though he were asleep. He would drag himself out of bed and it would be a battle to keep his knees from buckling out from under him. His mind would be a bland nothingness until he forced himself to awareness.
Because he couldn't be a zombie, not when Hime depended on him. He was all that she had. And he refused to be less than she deserved.
He couldn't give up. She depended on him. He was all that she had.
It reverberated through his mind. Drove him ever onward when he wanted to lay down and give up: I am all that she has.
Hime deserved the best he could offer. His protection and his guidance was the least of it.
Kakushi focused his entire life on raising Hime. She was a sweet little girl and he wanted to see her grow up. He wanted to be there for her, even if there were days when he wanted nothing more than to stay in bed and never move again.
He went to his studio and he put on his best face and he wrote and drew his comedy series and didn't let his pain show. Even as it ate away at his insides.
Every day was a struggle. It seemed never-ending, this purgatory of a life. But he couldn't imagine facing his alpha in the afterlife and having to admit that he'd let himself give up when Hime needed him so desperately. When he was all that she had.
He did all that he could for Hime. Each and everyday, he forced himself to be present in every way. Even as he lied to her and hid the way he made their money.
On one level he knew it was ridiculous. To put on a suit and pretend that he had an office job he wasn't able to describe in detail because he'd never worked in an office. But he didn't know what else to do.
He'd never been ashamed of his art until the moment he'd realized everything he did effected Hime. And in that moment... It had stopped being art in his mind and became something he had to hide from her. To protect her from.
Because his name was becoming known for the kind of filth he didn't want anywhere near Hime. She was so beautiful and pure. Completely untouched by the world.
And he didn't want to tarnish her with the dirty humor he produced.
He never wanted there to be a time when she told someone her name, and she was made to feel ashamed because he was her father.
It was why he'd changed his name. Because when he'd first started out he'd had no shame. Hadn't even had a concept that there would ever be a time when he'd feel ashamed.
Until he'd been in the hospital with Hime and he'd said his name... And he'd realized his manga wasn't anything he wanted tied to Hime. He didn't want to be the anchor that dragged her down. Not when she was an angel that deserved to fly.
His alpha had laughed at him. Gently teased him for being one of "those" dads. But she'd gone along with his plans to protect Hime from his reputation as a mangaka of ecchi manga.
She'd even helped him choose his new name, Kazushi. And while the name never felt like him, he'd learned to sign it on everyday documents. Even if he still had a hard time answering to it when he wasn't expecting its use.
For legal documents he was still Kakushi Gotou. It was the name on his identification cards. He hadn't yet gotten around to legally changing it and planned to before Hime turned ten and started going on school trips.
It was because of his name that Hime's teacher had recognized him. He hadn't expected a primary school teacher to be a fan, but Ichiko Rokujou had surprised him. And at least she'd become an ally in helping to protect Hime from his reputation.
Though the looks she gave him...
He sometimes thought the beta woman was displaying courting behavior, but that was ridiculous. Even if the suppressants made him smell like a beta, he wasn't one. And he had no interest in mating with a beta or anyone else.
His alpha still held the whole of his heart.
Even if his mark had faded. Become empty and dead. She still possessed the whole of him. He didn't have anything else to give.