Work Text:
Title - Time Lord Men - All the Same Hassles They Just Live Longer (2/2)
Part of the House Arrest Can Be Fun Series
Rating - PG-13 (Jack can't control himself)
Disclaimer - So not mine
Martha sighed at the beautiful, utter silence that enveloped the Tardis. It was so, so, so beautifully silent she thought and didn’t worry about the irony of how that sounded. Oh how she’d dreamt of this. Fantasized about it. One day to herself without the Doctor or the Master. No fighting, no arguments about the proper way to do a repair, no complaints about the errors of modern physics, no stupid practical jokes. No, she smiled then in utter bliss, no more farting contest inside the console room.
First, she grinned, wine. A nice sweet red wine. None of the Doctor and the Master complaining about it. None of the dry whites they tended to prefer. No, Martha scurried into the large wine cellar on board the Tardis - extra sweet blackberry wine. That was what she wanted.
Once she’d poured a glass, she took it and the bottle toward the bathroom to set it filling with hot water and bubbles. Papaya scented bubbles, she decided. Both Time Lords claimed to have sensitive noses and anytime she used a soap or lotion that had a smell to it the Doctor would complain and the Master would try to smell her. If the soap smelled of food, occasionally he would lick her ear. No complaining Doctor whining about how she was stinking up the ship, no orally fixated Master trying to nibble her ear, and occasionally biting down sharply, just Martha.
With the tub filling she scurried into her room for the trashy romance novel stuffed under her mattress. A guilty pleasure, she thought to herself, if the Doctor knew he’d be mortified. The Master, she shuddered, it didn’t do to think about the teasing she’d receive from him about her latest bodice ripper novel. What did it hurt though? She thought defensively. I’m living like a nun here in the Tardis I should at least get to read something scandalous.
One last thing to do, she thought happily as she sunk into the warm bubble bath. Reaching over onto the vanity she grabbed her cell phone and dialed.
"Harkness here," a chipper voice answered on the second ring.
"Jack," Martha giggled. "Guess where I am."
"Martha?" Jack laughed. "I have no idea. Where are you?"
"I’m in a hot bubble bath, with a glass of wine and a bodice ripper novel all about a naval captain and the Polynesian maiden he falls madly in love with, risking everything to save her from pirates."
"Any good?" Jack asked absently.
"Yeah. Wanna borrow it when I’m done?"
"Nah, I already lived it. Let me know if I do all right in the end." Then Jack paused. "Wait a second! Repeat everything before bodice ripper novel."
"I’m in a hot bubble bath, papaya scented I might add, with a glass of wine."
"Where?"
"In the Tardis."
"Where’s the Tardis? Oh please tell me where the Tardis is Martha."
"In the Time Vortex." She took a deep drink of her wine and moaned slightly at the indulgence.
"Too bad," Jack sighed. "I was hoping you were parked outside."
"Sorry. How about I pick you up in an hour to make up for it? We’ll have an adventure."
"Are you still going to be in the bathtub?"
"No. Now where do you want to go? I have the laser screwdriver and I know it has a setting to short out casino machines so I was thinking Elvis Four. Las Vegas System. What do you think?"
"Gambling on Elvis Four?" Jack answered. "Only if you promise we don’t have to go and see any shows."
"Deal," Martha smiled. "No shows."
"Viva Las Vegas then baby," Jack laughed. "See you in an hour."
"One hour," Martha agreed.
"Wait!" Jack said before she could hang up the phone. "Where did you tie the Doctor and the Master up at then?"
"I didn’t tie them up," Martha giggled.
"You did something with them," Jack said in that tone where Martha knew he had a hand on his hip and a saucy grin on his face, making the dimples more prominent. "I mean hot bubble bath, papaya scented, if they weren’t tied up the Doctor would be whining so loud I could hear him through the phone and the Master would be scratching at the door like a cat in heat. You’d be penned in. Besides there’s no way the Doctor would let you use the Master’s laser screwdriver to cheat on Elvis Four. If you could get the Master to give it up willingly. But if you’re using papaya bubble bath that’s possible. So out with it Martha Jones. What did you do with them?"
"Left them fighting it out on the outskirts of St.Petersburg. Somewhere around 1772."
"Bickering again?"
"Yes."
"Did they say something insensitive to you?"
"The Master suggested that I had PMS and the Doctor told me that it’s because we humans have inferior genetics and that’s why my reproductive system is like it is."
"Would it help if I told you he was an overgrown 13 year old boy?" Jack asked.
"That’s the Master’s excuse." Martha agreed. "What about the Doctor?"
"He doesn’t get out much?" Jack suggested.
"You think we should go get them?" Martha set her glass down on the side of the tub sadly. "I was kind of enjoying the quiet."
"Get them?" Jack asked. "Of course not! I can’t believe you put up with those two together for this long. We’re going to Elvis Four. We’ll pick them back up later. Once they’ve learned how to behave.
(Two days later for Martha and Jack. Four years later for the Doctor and the Master.)
She peeked her head tentatively out of the Tardis. "Where did they go?"
"They aren’t out here?" Jack answered. "When did you program in for us to arrive?"
"An hour after I left them," Martha answered. "I figured it wouldn’t hurt for them to sit in the cold for a bit. Might teach them some manners."
"I don’t see any footprints," Jack said thoughtfully. "And it’s not snowing. Are you sure you got the day right?"
"No," Martha shrugged. "I thought I did. What do we do now then?"
"We wait," Jack shrugged. "If they’re nearby they’ll have heard the Tardis. Both of them are hardwired to listen for it. We wait and they’ll come to us."
Just then Martha saw a lanky shape in a heavy coat and fur hat churning toward them in the snow. She could see that a heavy, dark beard covered his lower face. "Martha!" He screamed in delight. "Jack! You’re back."
"Doctor?" Jack screamed in reply and waved his hand. "Come on! Where’s the Master?"
The man started to run then and the sound of him flailing in the snow was drowned out by the sound of hoof beats from the same direction. The Master, much nicer dressed, no beard that Martha could see, riding toward them on a large black horse. He slowed slightly to grab the Doctor up behind him.
"Looks like they’re working together." Jack suggested.
"I don’t think so," Martha answered as she saw the two arguing at the horse. The Master gestured an arm wildly behind him and the Doctor scrambled onto the horse’s back, clinging to the Master for dear life. As the horse jerked to a stop they saw the Master and the Doctor hurriedly dismount and rush toward them.
"Go!" The Doctor screamed. "Program somewhere in. Now!"
"Where?" Jack shouted.
"Doesn’t matter!" The Master retorted. "Just program somewhere and let’s go! Get inside!"
"What did you do?" Martha asked in a panic as a group of horsemen came over the hill toward them.
"Doesn’t really matter right now," the Doctor answered as he tugged her into the Tardis. "What matters is getting away."
As the Tardis dematerialized Martha and Jack looked at the two Time Lords. "Does someone want to tell us what happened?" Jack asked tentatively.
"Somebody," the Doctor pointed accusingly at the Master. "Somebody decided to seduce Queen Catherine and take over the Russian throne."
"Power behind the throne actually," the Master sniffed. "I would have never taken Catherine’s throne. To much paperwork."
"You were running the country!" The Doctor argued.
"True," the Master agreed. "At least I didn’t join the rebels, end up arrested and sentenced to hang as a traitor."
"You sentenced me!" The Doctor snapped.
"That’s right," the Master chuckled. "I did."
"What that doesn’t explain is why you were running," the Doctor said. "We heard rumors she’d locked you in the Tower of Peter and Paul. What happened did she realize you hypnotized her?"
"No," the Master looked sheepish. "Um, well it’s personal."
"Master," the Doctor placed his hands on his hips. "What did you do?"
"Nothing!" The Master protested. "I just like to be cuddled afterwards is all. It’s not too much to ask is it?" Martha tried to stifle her giggles but Jack couldn’t be bothered and laughed loudly as the Master glared.
The Doctor turned to look at Martha then. "What about you Martha Jones?You hijacked the Tardis and left us in Imperial Russia for FOUR YEARS!!!"
"Uh," she looked at Jack. "Time got away from me?"
"Where were you?"
"Uh,"
"Um." Jack looked sheepish. "Elvis Four? Maybe?"
"Little vacation?" Martha nodded and held up her fingers to symbolize ‘tiny’. "Miniscule really. Two days on our part. You know a weekend?"
"You went to Elvis Four to gamble and left me in Imperial Russia?" The Doctor squeaked indignantly. "How could you?"
"Ouch!" Martha yelped suddenly, Jack and the Doctor turned to see that the Master had crept up behind her and was now nibbling on her neck.
"She smells like papaya," the Master announced happily and continued to nuzzle.
"Master," the Doctor sighed. "Quit humping Martha’s leg or I’m going to get the squirt gun out again."
Turning he looked at Martha. "And you Martha Jones! Well I don’t know what to say! Imagine going all hormonal just because you’re human reproductive system is in flux - which you should be accustomed to after all since it happens once a month! You took my Tardis and went to Elvis Four, my favorite casino, without me just because of some trifling hormones. I’ll never understand you!"
"I think I’m starting to," Jack mumbled. "And it’s got nothing to do with the hormones."