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It was four in the morning when the incessant ringing of Calum’s cell phone woke him from his peaceful sleep. On an oath, he stumbled from bed, zombie walking to the phone that he had left on his desk.
“Hello” he mumbled, wiping sleep from his brown eyes.
“Calum, thank god I reached you! Michael never came home last night and I don’t know where he is!” The sound of his best friend’s frantic mother snapped Calum awake faster than Ashton wielding a bucket of ice water ever could have.
“Karen please calm down, I’ll find him okay?” He pleaded and assured for another five minutes. When Karen was finally calmer, Calum hung up the phone and drug himself over to his closet. With eyes still partly closed with sleep, Calum pulled on a pair of black jeans and a shirt he was pretty sure belonged to Luke, maybe Michael.
Leaving a note for his mom, he grabbed the keys to the family car and began his search. Calum had been the only person Karen had called, so he drove by Luke and Ashton’s house just to double check that Mikey wasn’t sleeping over and forgot to phone his mom, as usual. Both boys were grumpy to be woken up, but offered to help Calum in his search. He shook his head, telling them to go back to sleep.
He drove around town, checking the park they use to play at as kids, the 24 hour coffee shop that Michael liked to visit, and the parking lot of their old school. But Michael was nowhere to be found. The nerves started to set in, his racing heart inching higher and higher towards his throat. There was only one more place Michael would be. Calum sped towards the beach, praying and glancing at the car clock that now read 5 a.m.
A sigh of relief rushed out of Cal’s lungs as he spotted Michael. He was there in his favorite spot, the spot right where dry sand melded into wet. Michael preferred to stay inside, wasn’t a fan of swimming or tanning. But this spot of the beach was quiet, the waves were loud and soothing and Michael and Calum had spent many memories here growing up.
Michael’s back was to Calum, his once again blonde hair tousled by the wind. His knees were pulled to his chest, held in place by his arms as his chin rested there. This was the position Michael always liked to be in when he was sad, curling in on himself like a small child. As Calum got closer, Michael became more visible.
The toes of his bare feet were squished in the sand as cool midnight blue water lapped up to kiss them. His puke green converse and white and red striped cane lay close to his feet. His face was emotionless as he gazed out over the moon lit horizon. Calum would never admit it, but he had always thought Mikey was beautiful. With his pale skin and blush red lips he looked almost like a dream sitting there in the moonlight with those pale green eyes, covered in the always present milky film.
As Calum got closer, Michael heard his approach and sighed, canting his head slightly towards Calum. “I guess my mom is worried, huh?” His voice was husky and strained and it was then that Calum noticed the tear stains still drying on Michael’s face.
Calum sat down beside Michael, throwing an arm around his shoulders out of habit and let Michael curl into him. Calum looked out over the ocean, watching the waves form and crash against the beach. But a few seconds later he let out a soft sigh and closed his eyes, looking away.
Michael tensed in his arms and mirrored the sigh “I hate when you do that Cally.”
“Do what?”
Michael smiled gently, pressing a soft kiss to Calum’s shoulder. “You know what Cally. I know what that sigh was. Just because I can’t see doesn’t mean you should feel guilty that you can.”
Calum blushed, embarrassed that Michael had noticed. Michael hadn’t always been blind. Michael’s vision had been perfectly normal growing up. But then in year 8 during gym class one day someone had kicked a soccer ball a little too hard during a game of footie and it had hit Michael in the face. The force of it had damaged Michael’s eyes and he had spent the next few months slowly losing his sight.
Calum had been with Michael through all of it, refusing to leave Michael’s bedside when he was in the hospital and visiting him every day when he was home. The adjustment had been hard for Michael, had almost crushed him really. But Calum had been his strength through it all, through the tears and the pain. Through the hard days of therapy when Michael had to learn to do life without sight. Through Michael having to learn braille. And through that long Saturday night where Calum had held a crying Michael and then stayed up all night with him until Michael was convinced that just because he had to give up his sight didn’t mean he had to give up his dreams too.
And now, years later, they were in a band, a very successful one at that. They performed to crowds of thousands of screaming girls. And everyone loved Michael. The fans didn’t care that he was blind, they adored Michael just the same and were very protective of him. But no one loved Michael more than Calum.
They had slipped into a peaceful silence, Mikey cuddling tightly into Calum’s side and Calum playing with Michael’s hair. It was a few minutes of waves crashing and peaceful quiet before Michael spoke up. “Cally, I miss knowing what colors look like.”
Calum looked down at Michael and frowned. “Is that what you’re upset about?”
Michael sat up, crossing his arms over his chest, his body tense as tears filled his eyes. “I hate it! It’s been so long I can’t even remember them anymore! All I know is black now. I tried so hard to remember them all but they’re gone. All I see is black and grey.”
Michael collapsed into Calum and Calum held him as he cried, rubbing his back and softly humming. When Michael’s sobs began to slow, Calum spoke.
“Remember what they taught you in therapy? The things you use to see, think of them as feelings. Associate them with other things that just sight.”
“I can’t do that Cally, I’m not as creative as you, it just doesn’t work.”
Calum’s heart was breaking. He wondered how long Michael had been holding this all in. Mikey always acted like being blind didn’t bother him. He always said as long as he could play the music he loved with the people he loved then that was all he needed. Calum was supposed to protect Michael, and he had let him down. Cal had to fix this.
“Black is like fearlessness. You can’t see what’s in the darkness but you aren’t afraid of it. Like being on stage in front of thousands of screaming girls and totally fucking owning the shit out of it just like you do at every show. Black is comforting somehow, just knowing that even though you can’t see it, something is there. Black is like being scared but know it will be okay because you aren’t alone.”
A smile tugged at Michael’s wind chapped lips. “Like being afraid of what would be in store for a suddenly blind boy who just wanted to be in a band but having you to kick my ass into gear and get my shit together? Like knowing no matter what I will always have you and Luke and Ashton?”
Calum grinned and ruffled Michaels hair. “Exactly. And white, white is like having the crowd sing back our songs to us. Having them know ever single to word to the songs that we poured our fucking hearts into. It’s that rush you feel when their voices surround you and you feel like king of the world, unstoppable.”
Michael closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Calum’s waist. “And what about green, Cally? Tell me how green feels.”
Calum smiled, happy to see Michael smiling again. “Green is like the smell of fresh cut grass when we eat brunch at Luke’s house on Sundays right after Jack has mowed the year. It’s like sitting here on the beach early in the morning and just listening to the waves crash. Green feels like that moment where you just wake up and everything seems utterly peaceful in the world.”
Michael snuggled his face into Calum’s neck and breathed in. “Keep going. How about red Cally?”
Calum grinned and leaned down to press a kiss to Michael’s forehead. “Red is the feeling you get when you hug someone you love. It’s the feeling a groom gets when he watches the love of his life walk down the aisle towards him. It’s the look on the face of a new mother holding her baby for the first time. It’s the feeling of a kiss…”
Calum leaned down and pressed his lips lightly against Michael’s causing Michael to giggle and blush at the memory of each of them sharing their first kisses here together at this very spot years ago.
Calum continued “Purple is like sitting in the granny flat on Friday nights and fighting with Luke and Ashton over which CD to listen to. Purple is the way you feel when you watch Mean Girls with Luke for the millionth time just to hear the happiness in his voice when he repeats every line. It’s like staying out all night and having to listen to your mom yell at you, and knowing she’s only doing it because she loves you.”
Michael sighed. “You don’t have to tell me a feeling for blue, I already know that one. Its sadness. I hear people say it all the time.”
Calum shook his head and murmured in protest. “No, I don’t think so. Those people are wrong.”
Michael smirked “Alright then, oh mighty and all knowing Calum, tell me what blue feels like.”
Calum chuckled and pulled Mikey closer, resting his chin on Michael’s head. “I think blue feels a little like all the colors combined.”
Michael laughed out loud then. “Oh really? That’s your genius answer? Okay then oh wise one, what does fearlessness, and fans singing, and fresh cut grass, and kissing, and Lucas the honorary mean girl feel like all at once.”
“It feels just like this Michael. Blue feels like family. Blue is the dreams that have come true, the future you look forward to. Blue feels like you and me. Blue feels like forever.”
They fell into silence, content just to hold each other and remember all of the moments they had shared together over the years. After about twenty more minutes, Cal helped Michael to his feet and they got back in the car. When Calum pulled into Michael’s driveway, Karen rushed out and pulled her son into her arms, yelling at him and crying into his shoulder and Michael just held her and told her he loved her and that he was sorry.
Later, when they were both cuddled into Michael’s twin bed, much to small for the two tall Aussies, Michael whispered into Calum’s neck. “I have a new favorite color Cally.”
“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”
Michael grinned. “Forever.”
They were silent for a minute and then Calum burst into laughter “You cheesy ass mother fucker.”
Then Calum started to tickle Michael and they both laughed until tears were streaming down both of their faces, Michael kicking and squealing as Calum's fingers dug into the soft skin of his sides, his smile so big Calum wondered how bad Michael’s face hurt.