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Kaz was starting to wonder if he was getting too soft.
The jokes about it were made, but this was the first time he was seriously wondering if he was getting soft. Usually, people got harder as they got older, but was the opposite happening to him? He wasn’t even old. He was only twenty-five, but maybe the process was already beginning.
Somehow, Kaz found himself in Wylan’s room. The merchling had a date with Jesper tonight, their first ever date. To say Wylan was nervous would have been understatement.
Wylan made Kaz grab a notebook, sit down, and write down all the ways the date could go wrong.
1. Wylan could take melatonin instead of his daily vitamins. Wylan would then be sleepy for said date and have to find a way to stay awake.
2. Wylan’s clothes could catch on fire, which would then set the table on fire and spread to the rest of the establishment.
3. Wylan, or Jesper, could fall down a flight of stairs, turning the date into a trip to the hospital.
Kaz looked at Wylan as the boy continued to pace the room. “These are all ridiculous.”
“They aren’t ridiculous, my friend,” Wylan said, not stopping. “You know why?” He didn’t wait for Kaz to respond. “These have all happened before.”
Kaz winced. “That’s… unfortunate.”
“Don’t worry. It wasn’t me who fell down the stairs.” Wylan snapped his fingers and pointed to the notebook. “One time, I left a vial of this solution that makes you itch in my pocket, so that could happen and I could be itching all over the entire date.”
Kaz blinked a few times. “Like… all over?”
“All over. ”
Kaz watched Wylan continue to pace the room, wringing his hands together. He was sure that if he continued to watch the merchling, he was going to go crazy himself.
“Wylan,” Kaz said after clearing his throat, trying to sound as friendly as possible. “Sit down.”
“But–”
“Sit.”
Wylan froze and looked at Kaz for a moment. When Kaz didn’t waver, he let out a sigh of defeat and nodded. He collapsed on the seat of his desk and looked at Kaz. Kaz set aside the notebook and grabbed his cane, gripping the crow’s head.
“What’s going on?” he asked. He had seen Wylan nervous before, but this felt different. It felt like Wylan was spiraling and Kaz wasn’t sure why.
“I’m nervous,” Wylan replied. He glanced at the walls around him, having trouble keeping eye contact. He let out a noise of frustration and looked at Kaz. “This is not just some guy. It’s Jesper.”
Kaz was certain Wylan had feelings for Jesper before Wylan even moved in. It had been obvious to Kaz, and it didn’t take Wylan very long to confirm that he in fact did like Jesper. Jesper liked Wylan too, and after helping Inej get them behind the iron curtain, the two finally had their first kiss.
Now, they were officially going on their first date. Kaz didn’t know why Wylan was as nervous as he was. He had lived with Jesper for months now, and they had been alone together plenty of times. Kaz knew for a fact that Jesper would drag Wylan to brunch nearly once a week. Why was this any different?
“You live with him,” Kaz replied, raising a brow. “You’ve seen him shirtless.”
“Yeah, and you know what that does to me?” Wylan started to turn red. That’s what it does, Kaz thought to himself.
Kaz shrugged. “I don’t understand why you’re getting yourself worked up. You know Jesper, and Jesper knows you. You like him, he likes you. It’s gonna be fine.”
Wylan shifted in his seat, tucking his hands beneath his thighs. “I just… I know he sees me differently because he likes me, but that makes me nervous. I feel like if I do something that’s remotely wrong, he’ll change his mind.”
Wylan looked like a boy in front of Kaz. A scared boy with a big crush he didn’t know how to deal with. A scared boy who had suffered consequences for “being wrong” or doing something “wrong”. Kaz found himself hoping that Van Eck’s jail cell was cold and unrelenting.
“He’s not going to change his mind,” Kaz said after a moment, his voice low. “I’ve lived with Jesper since freshman year of college, and this is the first time I’ve seen him so in love with someone. Honestly, you might be one of the best things that’s ever happened to him.”
Wylan turned red again, brighter than before. “He’s not–”
“He likes you too much to just walk away after one little misstep.” Wylan softened, his eyebrows moving in an upward motion and a small exhale escaping his lips. Perhaps he needed to hear that. “You’re overthinking it. You’re gonna be fine.”
Wylan nodded. The two sat in silence for a moment, and Kaz began to wonder if he should leave Wylan to be. The date wouldn’t be until a few hours, and maybe Wylan would explode from all the nerves until then, but Kaz wasn’t sure if Wylan needed him for anything else.
“You’re becoming nice, you know,” Wylan said quietly, breaking their silence.
Of all the words Kaz had been described as, “nice” was not one of them. It felt odd to be called nice. It was foreign and weird. It made him feel out of place.
“I am not–”
“No, yes you are.” He began to perk up, smiling a little bit. “You just said a bunch of nice things and stopped me from spiraling.”
“You texted me saying it was an emergency, and then when we started your ridiculous list, you said that no one else was around to do it. It seems like I was your only option.”
Wylan shrugged. “Maybe, but you were still nice.” He got up and walked over to his closet. “Do you want to help me pick out an outfit?”
“Do I have a choice?”
Wylan let out a laugh but didn’t respond. He began to pull out different shirts and pants, setting them on the bed next to Kaz. Kaz looked between Wylan and the pile of clothes that was quickly accumulating on the bed.
“Just wear what you normally wear,” Kaz said, looking at the clothes. “Jesper is going to wear something ridiculous anyways, so…”
He gestured to the clothes. “I’m sure any of these will do.”
Wylan put another sweater onto the pile. “Kaz, have you ever been on a date before? Because if you have, you’d know that you can’t just wear what you normally wear. You have to wear something you look good in. Something that’s date-worthy.”
Kaz hadn’t been on a date before, so he didn’t know how it worked. It was why he found it confusing that Wylan came to him for help. It was why he didn’t really understand why Wylan was stressing himself.
It was why Wylan looked at him with wide eyes when he didn’t respond. “Oh, Saints. You haven’t been on a date before, haven’t you?”
Kaz shrugged. “Do I look like someone who goes out on dates?”
“I mean, I don’t know. You’re so secretive that I thought maybe you had a secret romantic side who charmed people and went on dates.”
It wasn’t that Kaz didn’t want to. In fact, he did want to. He wanted to experience the rush of a first date, but it had to be with the right person. There was only ever one person who felt like the right person. He thought if he would never get the chance to go on a date with her.
He shook the idea away, suddenly feeling eighteen again.
“You know what?” Wylan’s voice dragged Kaz out of his thoughts. “After tonight, I’m going to take you out on a date.”
Kaz blinked. He wasn’t quite sure he was understanding. “What?”
Wylan put his hands flat on the pile of clothes and leaned closer, smiling. His smile was playful, almost teasing. “I’m going to take you out on a date, Kaz Brekker.”
Kaz scanned him. He hoped that Wylan may be joking, but he wasn’t. He leaned back slightly, putting more space between them. “That won’t be necessary.”
Wylan’s eyes scanned his face, and he must’ve picked up on Kaz’s hesitation. “Relax, it’s not going to be a romantic date–”
“Aren’t dates inherently romantic in nature?”
“Not always. I go on lunch dates all the time with Nina.” He smiled again. “It’ll be fun, Kaz. And, it’ll be good for you. Plus, it’ll be my way of saying thank you.”
Kaz eyed him. “Thank you for what?”
“For helping me and being there for me more times than I can count.” Wylan pulled back slightly. “You gave me a place to live, and I think, in a way, you were my first friend. My first real friend.”
Something in Kaz’s chest began to bubble. He always liked Wylan. There was something about Wylan that Kaz resonated with. Perhaps it was the fact that Kaz had come to the Barrel with little to lose, like Wylan. Or maybe it was how Wylan was fiercely loyal to those who came into his life.
“See, now that’s being nice,” Kaz said, opting for sarcasm.
“Take the compliment. I know it’ll boost your ego.” Wylan was also one of the few people who dared to challenge Kaz, who challenged Kaz’s remarks with his own. Kaz had a respect for that.
Kaz gave him a small smile. “You and Jesper will be official by the end of the night,” he said. Wylan’s eyes widened slightly. “So, your plan to take me on a date is not only ridiculous, but it would be a terrible disservice to your future boyfriend.”
Kaz could tell Wylan was reeling from Jesper being referred to as his future boyfriend. He stumbled his way to a response, tugging at the sleeves of his sweater. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. I’ll find a way to make it happen.”
As he played with his sleeves, Kaz could see a glint in Wylan’s eyes. Scheming face?
“Also, do you really think Jesper is going to be my boyfriend by the end of the night?”
Wylan felt like he was on top of the world.
Kaz was right, which Wylan would usually hate to admit. This time, though, he was happy that Kaz was right. Jesper was officially Wylan’s boyfriend, and Wylan was officially Jesper’s boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
Wylan never really had a boyfriend before. There had always been maybes, but nothing so official and explicit like it was with Jesper. It was different and new for Wylan, but he welcomed it nonetheless.
Even a few days later, Wylan still felt like he was on top of the world. Things in his life had finally fallen into place, and he was happy. He was happy to have a boyfriend. He was happy his dad was no longer a problem. He was happy that his mom was getting the help she needed and recovering. He was happy that he had a group of friends who he could not only call his friends, but his family.
Living in the loft, in a way, felt like living in a family home. There was lots of bickering, teasing, and arguments. There was also lots of love and warmth. It was nice even if it did get chaotic.
Things usually got rowdy when all six of them would try to have a meal together. This time, it was breakfast. Possibly a bad choice, Wylan thought, considering not everyone was a morning person. Really, the only two morning people were Matthias and Inej. And Kaz, Wylan supposed. But, no one could ever be sure if Kaz actually slept or not.
“I still don’t believe you actually enjoy black coffee,” Jesper said as he cut strawberries for the waffles Nina was making. “No one in their right mind seriously enjoys black coffee.”
Wylan had just walked into the kitchen, taking a seat at the island, right across from Jesper. Jesper looked at him and smiled. “Good morning,” he said, his voice low. He set the knife down and leaned over the counter. He gave Wylan a short, sweet kiss.
Nina turned around, facing them. “Aw, look at you two.” Wylan felt himself getting warm.
“Get a room,” Kaz said flatly, not looking up from his book. He was seated at the dining table, a mug of what Wylan presumed was black coffee.
Inej was next to him. She hit his chest lightly. “Hey, don’t be mean.” Wylan might’ve been imagining it, but he could’ve sworn he saw Kaz turn a slight shade of pink when she made contact with him.
“He’s as bitter as his coffee,” Matthias grumbled. He was on the other side of the dining table, across from Kaz.
“He woke up on the wrong side of the bed, it seems,” Nina said. She pulled a waffle out of the waffle maker and set it on a plate which housed a growing pile of waffles.
“New topic,” Kaz said, his voice loud to emphasize his point, peering at them over the top of his book.
There was a beat of silence before Wylan spoke. Maybe he shouldn’t have said it, but he was feeling bold. “I have one.” He turned to face Kaz. “Kaz, when’s our first date going to be?”
Jesper froze as he sliced another strawberry. Nina whipped around, looking between Kaz and Wylan. Inej choked on her tea, and Matthias perked up, smiling. Kaz turned red and glared at Wylan.
If this was any other time, Wylan would’ve sunk in his seat under Kaz’s cold glare. But not that morning. There was confidence coursing through him, and he hadn’t even had his morning tea.
Nina waved her spatula in the air, trying to get everyone’s attention. “Did I miss something? Aren’t you and Jesper dating? Like, officially?”
He had talked to Jesper about the day yesterday. Jesper was all for it. “I’m not sure how you’re going to get Kaz to agree because I have been trying to get him to go on a date with me for years ,” Jesper had told him, “but I think you should do it.”
Wylan nodded. “We are,” he said at the same time that Jesper said, with a smile, “Hell yeah!”
Matthias furrowed his brows. “So, why do you want to take Brekker on a date?”
“He won’t be taking me on a date,” Kaz mumbled, closing his book.
Wylan ignored him. “I just think that Kaz deserves to be taken out on a date.” Kaz sighed heavily, his brows lowering. “And I’d like to be the person who takes him on his first ever date.”
“First ever…” Matthias mumbled to himself, processing it. He looked at Kaz, his eyes a bit wide. “You haven’t been on a date before?”
“No, and does it matter?” Kaz asked, an edge to his voice, clearly annoyed by the conversation.
“I don’t think it matters,” Inej answered, giving him a small smile. He glanced at her, his expression softening a fraction.
“It doesn’t surprise me that Brekker has never been on a date,” Nina said, waving her spatula in the air as she talked. “However, you’re telling me you’ve never wanted to go on one? You’ve never wanted to spend a nice evening with someone you liked?”
Kaz’s lips formed a thin line as if the words were on his tongue. “I haven’t thought about it,” he said after a moment. “Also, that has no correlation to what Wylan said.”
“I think it’s nice that Wylan wants to take you out on a date,” Jesper said. “I mean, I’ve been trying for years to take you on a date, but sure, let Wylan do it.” When Kaz gave him a glare, Jesper smiled, his tongue poking through his teeth. Wylan’s cheeks began to turn pink.
“I’m not letting Wylan take me on a date. End of story.”
Inej knocked on Kaz’s door later that night, swaying on the balls of her feet.
“Come in,” he said. She let herself in, closing the door behind her. He looked at her, his expression blank and flat. He was seated at his desk, working on his laptop. He gave her a nod. “Inej.” His voice was rough, but her name sounded delicate on his lips.
She sat on his bed. “I just talked to Wylan,” she said.
He swerved in his chair to face her. “About what?”
She hesitated for a moment, scanning his face. He was wearing his glasses, which were sitting just a bit too low on his nose. Saints. Inej began to wonder what she was getting herself into.
“I’m going to take you on your first ever date,” she said, her voice quiet.
She had asked Wylan if she could be the one to take Kaz on his first ever date. Jesper was in the room when she asked, and he wiggled his eyebrows with a smile.
“Stop it,” she told him. “It’s going to be a pretend date anyway. It won’t mean anything.”
That was what she was telling herself now. None of this would mean anything in the end. It didn’t mean anything when Kaz widened his eyes, looking surprised. He seemed to be caught off guard, a rarity for someone like him.
“W-What?” he asked.
She didn’t want to repeat it, but he was looking at her like she had two heads, pupils dilating. “I’m going to take you on your first ever date.”
He scanned her, brows knitted. He pushed up his glasses, but looked uneasy. “Why?” he asked. “I mean, not that I mind because I don’t, but you don’t have to–”
“I want to,” she replied, nodding. She gave him a small smile. “No offense to Wylan, but I think I’m better suited for this.” That was what Wylan had told her, after all, when she asked if she could be the one to take Kaz on a date.
He leaned back in his chair and smiled. It was smug and teasing. Normally, she would hate that smile. Part of her hated it now, but she hated it for the way it made her stomach knot.
“Cause you’re a hopeless romantic?” he asked.
She had been called that before, but never by Kaz. Her cheeks grew warm, but she ignored it. She put on a smile that mimicked his and said, “It runs in the family.” It wasn’t a lie, not really. Her dad had a romantic view of life, and in some ways, she got that from him. “Also, hopeless romantic is a strong label.”
“You choose a rom-com every time it’s your turn to pick a movie for movie night.”
“Not every time.” He let out a small laugh, and her smile grew. “At least the rom-coms I choose are good.”
Kaz nodded. “Okay, that’s fair. Any rom-com that Jesper picks is usually pretty bad.”
She laughed. She wondered if she would laugh at this if she was more energetic and less tired. When her laugh faded, she saw that Kaz was watching her with a smile. A smile that wasn’t smug or teasing, but something else.
She cleared her throat and said, “So, are you down? Can I take you on a pretend date so you can say that you’ve gone on a date before?”
He nodded, his smile still present. “Sure, Inej. You can take me on a date.”
Kaz tried not to overthink the date.
It was pretend, he kept telling himself. It wasn’t real. It was just to say that he had gone on a date before. It didn’t mean anything.
Just two friends who were going to have a night out. Together. Platonically.
Kaz would have to set aside his feelings tonight like he did every time he was alone with Inej. They had been friends since college, and he wasn’t going to ruin what they had. They were friends first, and that would always be true.
There was a knock on his door as he put his belt on. Kaz told the person to come in. He turned around and found Wylan sticking his head in.
“You’re either in or out, merchling,” Kaz said with a bit of sigh.
Wylan fully stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. “I just wanted to see how you were feeling before your date with Inej.”
The sentence shouldn’t have made Kaz flush, but it did. He tried to play it off. “I feel fine,” he said, hoping Wylan wouldn’t press further.
Wylan took a seat at Kaz’s desk. “Is wearing all black the most romantic thing?”
Kaz looked down at his monochrome outfit. He had other colored button-ups and pants, but wearing black felt familiar. He needed something familiar for tonight.
“Well, good thing this isn’t a romantic evening,” he said.
As Kaz went to his mirror and fixed his hair, Wylan nodded and said, “Right…” He was unsure, doubting. Kaz glanced at him, and Wylan squirmed. “I’m just saying that Inej was the one who asked me if she could take you on this pretend date.”
Kaz blinked a few times. He kind of pieced it together before, but it felt weird to have explicit confirmation. “She said she’s better suited for this,” Kaz said after a moment.
“She is,” Wylan agreed. There was an awkward lull of silence before Wylan added, “Do you wonder why she said that, though?”
He didn’t, and Kaz didn’t want to let his mind stray too far. Hope was dangerous, and he didn’t want to have any. He didn’t want to end up disappointed because he’d only have himself to blame. And what was Wylan getting at, anyway?
“I don’t,” Kaz answered.
When he looked at Wylan, he looked doubtful. Wylan seemed to know better, though, because he dropped the subject.
He got up and said, “Well, either way, I just came to say I hope you have fun, and I hope you have the best first date ever, even if it's pretend.” He smiled at Kaz.
Kaz knew he should’ve just been polite, should’ve just told him thank you. But he found himself getting nervous at the evening ahead. “Stop being nice.”
Wylan nodded and left the room, leaving Kaz to be. Kaz let out a sigh when he was alone, closing his eyes. He would be fine. He had been alone with Inej plenty of other times before, so he told himself it wouldn’t be any different.
There was a knock at the door after he put on his shoes. “It’s Inej!”
Kaz looked at himself one more time in the mirror. After giving himself a quick nod, he grabbed his cane and opened the door.
Inej was in a casual dark blue dress. Her hair was down, and she wore simple gold jewelry. Kaz froze at the sight of her, taking her in. He noticed the red rose in her hand.
“Hi,” she said, pulling him out of his thoughts. She smiled and held out the rose. “Uh, this is for you.”
He swallowed hard as he took the rose from her, keenly aware of the way his fingers brushed against hers. “Thank you,” he said, his voice low. He stared at the flower for a moment before looking back at her. “What do I do with it?”
She laughed a little. “Let me go get you a vase. I’m sure we have a small one somewhere.”
As she disappeared to find a vase, he began to reconsider his assessment of the evening ahead. Maybe, it would be harder than he thought. Maybe, he wouldn’t be fine, not when Inej was radiating.
She appeared in front of him after a couple of minutes, a small vase in hand and already filled with water. She slipped past him and set it on his desk.
“I didn’t know what flowers you liked,” she said as he placed the rose in the vase. “I even asked your brother, but he said he didn’t know. So, I just got you the most classic flower.”
He nodded, looking at her. “I like it.”
She smiled. “I’m glad.” She gestured towards the door. “We should get going.”
“Okay,” he replied, running a hand through his hair. Before she was out the door, Kaz said, “You look nice, by the way.”
Inej turned around. She took him in for a moment then smiled. “You don’t look bad yourself, Brekker.”
Inej wondered if all the rom-coms she watched had set her standards too high for this date. It had been awkward at first, Kaz unsure of what to do with himself. If she was being honest, she wasn’t sure what to do with herself either.
First dates were for getting to know the person, for seeing if it could be something more in the future. But she knew Kaz. She knew him more than most did, and he knew her.
Kaz nursed his cup of water, staring at it. “You called my brother and asked him what my favorite flower is,” he said, more of a statement than a question. He looked at her and gave her a small smile. “I’m never going to hear the end of it from him.”
She laughed, and just like that, any awkwardness that was there was gone. They had found their footing, the rest of the night going smoothly. She tried not to think too hard about the way he looked at her when she laughed, or how he seemed to listen to every word she said, taking them in with care.
It’s all pretend, she had to remind herself a couple of times throughout the night.
“So, what happens at the end of a first date?” Kaz asked on their walk back to the loft. “In theory, of course.”
Her cheeks grew warm as she glanced at him. “It depends on if it's good or bad.” She swallowed hard and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Was this good or bad?”
He looked at her briefly before looking at the ground. “I mean, it was… fine.”
Fine. It stung her for some reason, disappointment setting in. She thought that she had done a good job at keeping her hopes low, but maybe she had been wrong. Maybe, hope had settled somewhere inside of her, and she didn’t notice.
“Just fine?” she asked, trying to keep her voice steady. “I must be losing my charm.”
He let out a laugh as they neared the loft. He held the door open for her. She gave him a nod, and he entered after her.
“I mean… it was fun,” he said as Inej pressed the button for the elevator. Hope was rattling inside of her again as she thought she heard his voice waver slightly.
The elevator arrived, and they stepped in. She pressed the button for their floor and watched the doors close before looking at him. “Good dates end in a kiss, and bad dates end with a text that says you were nice, but they’re looking for something else,” she said quietly. “The classic, ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ type of situation.”
He ran a hand through his hair, the grip on his cane tightening slightly. “Right,” he said, forcing a chuckle out in the end.
Silence fell between them, but the ding of the elevator cut through it after a moment. Kaz gestured for Inej to go first. Well, at least he’s starting to have manners, she thought as she walked to the door of their loft. Kaz stood beside her, looking at the door.
Inej turned to face him. “So, Brekker,” she started. He looked at her and straightened his posture slightly. He turned to face her, and she became very aware of how little space was between them. “How is this date going to end?”
His mouth opened, but nothing came out. She wanted him to say something, anything. He didn’t even have to do anything. But then he stepped closer, the space between them practically nothing. Her heart beat against her chest like it was ready to take flight.
He looked down at his hands, his cane slightly tilting to the side, and then at her. Slowly, he extended his hand, fingers brushing against her side. But that was all.
That was all because the door swung open and they jumped apart, a brutal reality check. It was Matthias, dressed in his gym clothes. If he had seen them that close, he didn’t acknowledge.
“Oh, hey,” he said, pulling out one of his earbuds.
“For fuck's sake, Helvar,” Kaz said, his tone sharp. “Why the fuck are you going to the gym now? ”
Matthias shrugged, stepping in the hallway. He was in between her and Kaz, but a few steps behind them. “I feel like I need to get a workout in. I didn’t go this morning.”
“Fucking weirdo,” Kaz mumbled, shaking his head. He headed into the loft and disappeared.
Inej deflated. For once, she could sympathize with Kaz and his annoyance, but it was more than that. She felt naive for having hope, for knowing she’d give in if Kaz had just said something or done something. But he was going to do something, wasn’t he? He had started, he had tried. He just didn’t get to finish.
“Are you okay?” Matthias asked her, bringing her back.
Inej nodded. “I’m okay,” she lied. “I’m… sorry about Kaz.”
“You shouldn’t apologize for him, you know.”
“I know.” She forced a smile. “Have a good night, Matthias.”
She went into the loft, and when she shut the door, she leaned against it, her body heavy. Kaz was nowhere to be seen. She closed her eyes and sunk to the floor, her back still against the door. She put her knees to her chest.
Should she wait for Kaz? She contemplated it. Assuming he was in his room, she wondered if he would come out and finish what he had started. She shouldn’t be clinging onto hope, but she couldn’t help it.
When a few minutes passed by, she willed herself to get up and head to her room. If Kaz wanted to finish what he started, he could find her, but she would not seek him out. At least, not tonight.