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Richard sighed as he walked through the frontdoor of his apartment and with a determined push closed it behind him.
Coat on the coattack, keys on the side table, shoes in the corner.
He walked in.
The sun was already setting, the start of another dark evening in Berlin.
He turned on the radio, but turned it off again immediately.
No sound was better for now.
There was no sound at all in the house.
Richard usually didn't mind living alone. When he wanted, he had enough close friends and family to go hang out with, or to come to him to hang out, but he liked his freedom and his personal space.
But when life was in turmoil the way it had been for the past weeks, it would have been nice to have someone to come home to. To talk about everything going on, just for some support, or just simply for a hug.
Not even sex, just a hug, to put his head on someone's shoulder and just...be there...
Because turmoil there had been plenty.
Just when he thought he had his private life running smoothly, all kinds of new things had happened. Illnesses, even a death, and the aftermath of it all.
People he had always taken for granted for 'being there' who had made new life choices and were moving away (some mentally, some even physically). Richard always was a firm believer that everyone should shape their own life the way they felt it was right for them, so he had been supportive of what they did.
But now, after another long day having to work through stuff that he wished he would never have to deal with in the first place, and coming home to a dark house, he felt a pang of regret.
He still didn't expect anyone to change their plans for him.
With a new feeling of guilt more than ever, the past months had made him realise that in earlier years he had been the one to cause all the turmoil, and only now really felt what it must have been like for his loved ones.
Richard realised all too well he wasn't in a position to ask them to change for him.
And he didn't want to.
Really not.
Just..
Someone...
Being here..
Would have been nice..
He grabbed his cigarettes and a lighter and opened the door to his roofterrace.
Even though darkness was setting in, the temperature outside was still pretty nice, so he got an ashtray and sat down on one of his loungechairs.
He lit his cigarette and took a deep drag.
Slowly he exhaled, the smoke leaving his mouth in little fleeting clouds.
Another inhale.
Exhale.
He looked over the rooftops of the neighbouring houses without really seeing anything, while he let everything that happened that day go through his mind again.
Again he sighed.
The best result today was that at least things seemed to be settled now, and they could move on with their lives.
Go back to their daily business.
Go on tour.
For the first time that day he smiled a little.
Thank god for the tour.
Only a few more weeks, and then he would see the band again, first a few rehearsal days, and then a few months of touring.
It would do him good.
He chuckled.
If only the bandmates could see him now.
In the past he had often dreaded going on tour, having to play live with so much room for making mistakes.
The comments of the others when mistakes were made.
Richard chuckled, ofcourse he would be one of the first the criticize the others if *they* made mistakes, at some point going backstage after a show had turned into a battle of who could start the first shot, trying to 'score' and make the others shut up.
Again he chuckled.
Fortunately those days were over.
The past tours had been much more friendly, more relaxed behind the stage.
And more relaxed on stage as well.
Richard sank back into the cushions of the chair, and felt a bit of the tension in his shoulders loosening.
Much more relaxed on stage.
Fun on stage even, which had been unthinkable many years before.
The others had told him for years to loosen up a bit, not take everything so seriously, but he had throught they were trying to trick him in making more errors and didn't trust their motives.
But when the critique on his playing had become fewer and further apart, and sometimes even turned to a good natured banter, Richard had let his guard down a bit too.
Till had asked him at some point if he wanted to have Flake's part in 'Bück Dich' so they could have a bit of fun together on stage, but that had been too big a leap for Richard to take (and seeing Flake's disappointed face when he said it, Till quickly made sure to tell Flake he was the only one he wanted to fake-fuck on stage anyway).
But as years went by, especially Paul had now and again tried to make Richard come out of his shell, and join in a bit of guitar fun.
Paul!
Richard smiled, sensng the warm feeling in his belly when he thought of Paul nowadays.
The same Paul who was always the first to meticulously point out all the errors.
That Paul had started to come over to his side of the stage to do some side-by-side guitarring.
Smile his cheeky smile at him.
Nudging Richard to come over to his side as well.
And Richard had.
Again playing together, sometimes leaning against eachother when playing.
Their heads against eachother in slow songs, a relaxing feeling for both of them.
Richard had even dared to peck a quick kiss in Paul's neck a few times, sure it would bring out the cheeky smile again.
And it never failed.
Richard took one last drag from his cigarette and put out the stub.
Paul..
He smiled and thought back to the day when the band was preparing the 2019 tour and somehow someone had found an interview that Paul did a year before and in which he said "We love eachother more than ever".
They had all laughed and teased Paul that he was getting soft with old age.
But Richard knew exactly what Paul meant and, when the others weren't looking, quickly stroked Paul's arm.
Paul had winked at him, Richard grinned back.
Ofcourse the others saw it, and started a jeering "Oooohhhhh...look at those two..."
"Next thing you know they will be kissing.."
Paul had huffed "So what if we do...none of your business.." and Richard had spontaneously pecked a kiss on Paul's cheek.
It surprised himself more than anyone else and his cheeks had turned red, as had Paul's and the others had been laughing out loud and bringing it up for the rest of the day calling them 'lovebirds' and 'guitar husbands'.
When next day they finally decided to not play 'Bück Dich' at all (much to Flake and Till's disappointment) to make room for songs from the new album and new little 'acts' were thought up, someone (Richard didn't even remember who) had suggested that Paul and Richard should do a little something together.
And then it was Paul who came up with sharing a kiss. Just a chaste one, nothing like the 'Bück Dich' act.
Richard had hesitantly agreed, not too sure that he would actually dare to do it.
But once Paul had something in his head it usually happened, and so had the kissing.
More than once even.
And the kissing led to other friendly stuff; more guitar playing together, a few quick strokes on the arm, a hug here or there, a longer hug, resting his head on Paul's shoulder, feeling his ear against his cheek.
Richard sighed, feeling the air getting chillier as the events of today came back in his head.
A hug from Paul would be great right now.
Paul was such a cuddler when he was in a good mood.
And it was lovely to hug Paul.
Richard involuntarily wrapped his arms around himself and closed his eyes.
He could vividly recall how it felt hugging Paul.
Wrapping his arms around him.
Paul's arms across his back, softly stroking him.
Often followed by a quick kiss in the neck.
Richard softly stroked his own bicep and wanted it to be Paul's hand who did so.
Not even just for the hugging, but because Paul always had solutions for everything.
If he could just tell Paul about all the stuff that happened over the past weeks, Paul would tell him what to do. Richard in the past often resented Paul for telling him what to do, but now he would welcome it, not having to come up with everything himself.
Share the burden.
He hadn't seen Paul since the end of the 2022 tour.
As usual the bandmates all took time off after the tour, and as they were not working on new material right now, and several bandmates had other activities as well, it was agreed that Rammstein would only meet up again when the 2023 tour started.
They kept in touch by phone or app. Flake, who lived nearby, he sometimss met on the street. Paul and Olli had been going on surfing vacations with their families.
So the last time they were all together was at the end of the tour in 2022.
Again Richard smiled fondly at the memory of that tour.
From the first day they started to rehearse the atmosphere had been great between all of them but especially with Paul.
Paul and him had been laughing and playing together like never before.
And hugging and cuddling like never before.
Richard could still feel exactly how Paul's hand would softly nudge him, just gently touching his lower back, just above his waist.
He could recognize Paul's touch with his eyes closed, as it was so distinctly different from the others in the band.
Flake, who was not by nature a tactile person, over the years got used to some touching, but his hand was always hesitant on Richard's back, almost apologetic, as if he wanted a hug, but just as much wanted to run away (Richard always made sure to give Flake an extra squeeze when they hugged, to let him know he appreciated it).
Till on the other hand tried to be gentle, but more often than not in his excitement thumbed more then nudged, making Richard having to take a step to keep his balance.
Schneider and Olli, both taller than him, would lay their hand on his shoulder and slowly let it slide further in a hug.
But Paul's hand was always gentle, and always down there.
Just thinking about it made the warm feeling grow warmer inside Richard and the tension subisde even more.
Richard shifted a little.
After previous tours he often fell in a black hole, everything seemed difficult, he had a hard time picking up his regular life again.
But this time it had besn different, and Richard only needed to remember
Paul's hugs to encourage himself to go on.
He was sure that had the personal turmoil happened in previous years, it would have led him to a bad place.
A dark place.
A place he had often been to in the past and figured that it was normal to be there, that it was what he deserved.
But now he had the strength to go on, even when things didn't go smoothly.
He had been tired, sad, weary, disheartened...but not broken down.
Just by remembering the tour..
The 2022 tour..
When the others had tentatively asked if the guitarists planned to go on with the kissing on stage, both of them had called out "ofcourse!" at the exact same time, grinning at eachother afterwards.
The others had shaken their heads but refrained from comment.
Only a few days later when Schneider and Olli caught Paul and Richard sharing a particular close hug backstage, they exchanged a few looks and each took a guitarist aside for a chat.
Richard chuckled as he remembered Olli after along silence, not really knowing how to start, saying "Just don't overdo it Richard..."
"Ofcourse not, it's just for the act, the fans will love it..
"Yeah..." Olli had seized him up with an all-knowing smile "..as long as you realize that.."
"Ofcourse, what else could it be.."
"It's just...he's happily married, Richard...he isn't looking.."
"Neither am I, my life is great as it is! And besides, that's not what this is about at all!"
"Just...as long as you're clear about it.."
"Sure, just a bit of fun for the act!"
Again Richard hugged himself, a happy smile on his face.
There had been much tenderness between them, both on stage and off..
And off stage when the others knew about it, and other times...didn't...
Richard closed his eyes, a gentle spring breeze rustled through his hair, but his body felt warm, hugging himself in the chair.
His cheek against his own arm, imagining it was Paul's cheek he was feeling.
His mind wandered back to a few months earlier..
-----
Mexico 2022-10-03
The second to last concert done, only one more left to go.
The band were all in great spirits, but maybe none more so than the guitarists.
They had loved the show, every second of it.
Playing live, playing for the audience, playing for eachother.
Because the more they played, the more they were tuned to eachother, always keeping an eye on what the other guitarist was doing.
If it had been up to them, they could easily have played just to eachother the entire night, but as they were well aware that that wasn't fair to the audience who bought expensive tickets, they made sure to give the fans lots of attention as well.
But when they happened to walk past eachother, or be near the same spot accidentally, there would always be a little nudging and stroking going on.
After the show all of the band joined the afterparty, had a little drink, chatted with a few invited guests and relaxed in great spirits.
It was quite late, the sun almost rising again, when the guitarists finally decided to go back to the hotel.
In the elevator up to the floor where their rooms were, Richard felt the familiar touch on his lower back.
He smiled and looked over his shoulder to Paul's face, right behind him, the other guitarist laying his head on Richard's shoulder.
"I'm tired.."
Richard gave Paul a small kiss on his forehead "So am I..."
Paul wrapped his arms around Richard's waist, and nestled his head closer to the back of Richard's shoulder.
Richard closed his own arms over Paul's and leaned back a little bit.
He could feel Paul's smiling cheek against his neck, and smiled as well.
As the door opened, they stepped out into the corridor, Richard's room immediately on the left, Paul's at the end of the corridor on the right.
As they got to Richard's door, they turned and face eachother.
They grinned, Paul's lower lip trembling into a half-pout, but not quite managing to keep it because of the smile.
Richard gently leaned in and his lips touched Paul's.
"Great night...too bad it has to end.."
"Yeah.." Paul's smile changed into a cheeky one "...I'm a really tired.."
Richard looked at Paul's smile and grinned too "Too tired to walk that whole long corridor to your room?"
"Maybe.." again a cheeky grin.
"Do you want to come in mine and relax a bit first?"
Paul's grin now turned a naughty "Maybe.."
Richard chuckled and opened his door.
After closing the door they faced eachother again, both grinning.
Richard gently slid his hands around Paul's waist (smoothly, as they had done it so many times before).
In the same movement, Paul ran his hands over Richard's chest to his shoulders.
Their faces close together, spontaneously their lips met in a soft kiss.
Just as soft as on stage.. and back stage after a show when they often did
this in the dressing room.. but longer, taking their time now they were alone, and wouldn't be disturbed.
Richard gently closed his arms further along Paul's back, pulling him closer.
Paul's familiar scent, even the taste of the lips by now familiar.
After a while they pulled back a little bit, careful not to break the embrace and looked deep into eachother's eyes.
They smiled, a soft tender smile, of fondness for eachother, they both felt.
Gently they touched noses, an eskimo kiss like on stage, but again, more gentle, taking their time, until they both longed for a kiss again and smoothly moved in, easily finding the other's lips.
This time it definitely wasn't a kiss like on stage anymore.
More passionate than they ever kissed up until now, which always had been when others were around or could be expected.
Now they had all the time they wanted and they savoured it.
"Still tired..?"
Paul grinned as he gently brushed aside a small strand of hair over Richard's forehead "A little bit..and my room is really really far away.."
"You're welcome to stay here.." Richard pecked a quick kiss on Paul's earlobe.
Paul giggled "In that case, maybe we should get a bit more comfortable.."
In only a few seconds they both stripped down their clothes and wearing just their briefs, they faced eachother again.
Richard admiring Paul's lean but also firm body, at the same time feeling
Paul's eyes (and hands) admiring his own.
Again they wrapped their arms around eachother in a warm hug, resuming the kiss, hands now joining in, stroking eachother, holding, trying to get every bit of closeness they could get.
Richard felt every stirring of Paul's body against his own, responding in the same way.
Slowly they moved towards the bed, unwilling to let go, but eager to move ahead.
-----
Richard in his lounge chair grinned, he felt his excitement building at the memory of that night. That he enjoyed the memory of the night more than once, on his own in the privacy of his bedroom, was something he wasn't planning on telling Paul.
Well...probably not anyway..
That had been their last night together.
The day after at the final show, at the outro of Ausländer they had met in the middle of the stage and gently rubbed their head's together, and touched noses.
That had been so familiar to the night before, that Richard had forgotten they were on stage, there was just Paul and him, close together, leaning in for a kiss.
After that kiss he had acutely felt a longing for more and couldn't let go of Paul right there and then, and he had leaned back in for a hug, Paul wrapping his arms around him in a tight squeeze, and only the clanging together of their guitars had brought them back to reality.
Richard again felt the longing for more he felt then, another hug, at the very least..
He felt a stirring in his pants and moved his hand down there...maybe that was what he needed after the rough day...
Trrriinnnggg
Richard almost jumped at the sound of the doorbell, but quickly pulled himself together.
He chuckled: the memory would have to wait, but he could vividly remember it each time, so that would keep.
He walked to his frontdoor and opened it.
"Olli!"
"Hey, i was just visiting Flake and thought I'd drop by...busy?"
"Not at all, glad you came..want to join me on the roof?"
Olli grinned and gave Richard a side hug, pleased to find the guitarist in a good mood.
They both sat down on the lounge set.
"I just wanted to say that we were thinking of getting together next week to go over the new setlist."
"Okay, nice! I'm looking forward to the tour!"
"Good. That's settled then, I'll let the guys know. Soooo..." Olli hesitated
"...how have you been...Flake mentioned some stuff going on?"
"Yeah.." Richard sighed "..it's been a bit tough these last weeks, but hopefully things will start to look up again. That's also why I'm happy we're touring again, take my mind of things.."
Olli grinned "Nice to see you so excited about it.."
Richard chuckled too "But let's talk about you, had a good holiday? When did you come back? Is Paul back too?"
Olli laughed "Yes, last week, yes.."
Richard laughed too and with another cigarette he settled back in the pillows of his chair "Did you do anything special? Or just surfing, surfing, surfing as usual.."
"Well yeah, lots of surfing...but indeed we did something a bit special this time.."
Richard took another drag and grinned "What?"
"Well, my wife and I have been married for 20 years, so we decided to do one of those 'renew your vows' ceremonies, and Paul and his wife thought it a good idea, so they did one too.."
Richard's hand with the cigarette in it halted mid air, but Olli didn't seem to notice.
"Probably sounds cheesy, but it was eally nice, they had this little gazebo on the beach and we each had our kids as a 'witness', we did it at sunset, we even got Jens over to do a bit of a photoshoot for it."
The burned-up cone of Richard's cigarette fell off on his seat cushion.
"Hey, careful, don't burn yourself.."
Richard looked at Olli with a dazed look, as if he only now realized his bandmate was there.
Olli wiped away the spilled ashes and looked at Richard "Are you okay?"
"Sure.." Richard wanted to say more, but no other words popped into his head.
He felt like he had been punched in the gut. His stomach clenched, everything ached all of a sudden, his head empty, frantically searching for something else to say when he saw Olli still looking at him with a worried look on his face
"...fine.."
"Are you really?"
"...'course"..."
"Richard...was it something I said?"
"No........" again a long pause while Richard tried to pull himself together but feeling like he had just fallen into 1000 pieces "...rough time.."
"Okay.." Olli still looked at him questioningly "..I can imagine...anything I can do?"
"No.."
Outside a churchbell chimed 8 o'clock.
Olli still looked at Richard "I should go, I promised my wife to be back at 8."
"Okay.."
"Really? Should I call someone to come over?"
"No.."
"It's no trouble, I would be happy to.."
"No.."
The cigarette had almost been burned down to the filter, the glowing tip dangerously close to Richard's hand, but the guitarist made no effort to put it away.
Olli carefully took Richard's hand, picked the cigarette stub out from between his fingers and put it out in the ashtray.
"Maybe it would be better if you did have someone over.."
"No.."
Something buzzed in Olli's pocket.
He got up but hesitated to walk away "I really should be going.."
"Yeah.."
"Richard.."
Richard looked up and with all his willpower managed a smile "I'm fine.. tired..long day.."
"Well if you're sure.."
Again Olli's pocket buzzed and with a last look over his shoulder he walked away and out of the apartment.
Richard looked at the sky.
The moon was rising.
The sky turned darker.
He was on his own.
Alone.
He felt flat.
Heavy.
Like a ton of bricks had been dropped on him.
He tried to sigh, but even that was difficult.
Breathing hurt.
The spring breeze hurt.
He was cold.
Alone.
With what felt like great effort he stood up and stumbled back in the house.
It was dark here too, and he fumbled for the light switch, but when the lamps flippped on, he turned them off again.
Too bright.
His stomache hurt.
Like someone was clenching it.
Really hard.
He felt sick.
Stumbled to the bathroom.
Threw up.
Sat down on the floor, sweating.
Stayed there for a while in case more puking was needed.
Then pulled himself up again.
Back in the livingroom.
Cigarette.
Lighted it.
It didn't taste good.
He put it out again.
Still felt cold.
And alone.
He sat down on his couch and pulled one of the big pillows towards him.
Close against his belly.
It helped a little.
He hugged the pillow tighter and wished it had arms to wrap around him.
To comfort him.
Like a movie reel all the events of the past weeks appeared before him again.
All the bad stuff, the turmoil, the negativity.
He had been strong all those weeks, supporting others, taking matters into his hands.
But now, hugging the pillow, he felt tears rolling down his face.
Too much.
Cold.
Alone.
-----
For three days Richard felt sick.
He wasn't feeling up to anything.
Forced himself to drink a glass of water a few times a day.
After a day of eating nothing at all, made himself a sandwich but put it away after two bites...he wasn't hungry.
Even his cigarettes didn't agree with him, only making him feel more sick.
He felt himself being whirled around in a hurricane of darkness, every time the same things popping in his mind, and out again without being able to grab them and deal with them.
It was like living in a nightmare, without being asleep.
Going to sleep didn't help, sleep wouldn't come, hindered by the turmoil in his head.
Olli apped him a few times to ask how he was, and he apped back "Fine" but turned off the sound to not hear the bleeps again.
After three days the whirlwind quieted down a little bit.
He noticed he could think of other things again, made himself a cracker and a cup of tea and sat outside.
It was a lovely sunny day.
He sipped his tea and took a bite of his cracker and was relieved it actually tasted nice.
The dark clouds in his head were still there, but there were some quieter bits too.
Another sip.
He wondered what had happened.
How did everything come crashing down like that, all at once.
He had been okay a few days earlier.
Tired and a bit tense from everything that happened, but okay.
Just a bit alone, and wanting someone to talk to.
Or a hug.
Richard's stomach clenched again at the thought.
A hug from Paul.
That was what he had wanted, a real hug.
But that wouldn't happen.
Just like the guys had told him.
Paul wasn't for him.
The whirlwind in his head sped up again and Richard felt nausea rising in his throat again, but managed to breathe it away.
Okay, okay, just one more sip of tea.
He leant back again.
Another sip.
Okay, he managed to finish the cup, and the last bite of the cracker.
He felt his tears forming again, but blinked those away too.
It was stupid.
Paul was never his, he knew that.
He'd always known.
He sighed.
Even though he knew logically, he realized how much the mental image of having
Paul come to help him, to talk to him, had been of comfort these last weeks.
Just the mental image had been enough.
To know he could be there if Richard really really needed it.
But Richard realised too, that in reality he hadn't even seen Paul that much, and certainly not about all his life stuff. Richard had dealt with it himself, and survived, come out of it without breaking down.
Well...apart from the last few days when everything had come crashing down all at once, but even that he had survived.
He had to pick himself up again.
Get showered, dressed.
But first another cup of tea.
And another cracker.
While getting those, he picked up his phone and looked at the missed apps and calls.
Olli, Olli, Flake, Schneider, Olli again.
He apped them all back, apologizing for not replying sooner.
Got an immediate reply from Schneider "Want to hang out? Play a little?"
Richard smiled a watery smile, and apped back "Can you come to me, have the best drumkit here anyway.."
"What? That old thing?"
Richard grinned and got up.
Shower first, he could smell himself from afar.
-----
That first small jamsession had been cathartic for Richard in a way playing music always was for him.
Schneider was happy to just play and didn't ask a lot of questions and Richard wasn't volunteering any answers himself.
A few days later another jamsession betweeh Olli and Richard happened, Olli so relieved that Richard seemed on the mend again, and still not sure what had happened a few days ago, he too didn't ask anything more.
A week later the whole band met for the setlist discussion, all six of them.
And although Richard had been nervous of that, he managed to keep his composure and softly strumming an acoustic guitar he left most of the discussion to the others.
Paul was his usual energetic self again, but as he, as usual, had strong opinions on what should or more importantly should *not* be on the setlist, he didn't have time to ask Richard any personal questions.
Richard didn't mind.
For a split second before he stepped into the room he still longed for a hug, but resolutely put it out of his head.
He had been nervous about seeing Paul again, but he could handle the meddling, strong-willed Paul easily.
It was the soft and caring Paul who would have been a problem, but the other guitarist didn't have time for that today.
Halfway through Richard's brother phoned asking him if they could meet up, and Richard used that as an excuse to say goodbye to the others, relieved that it had gone as well as it had.
"Are you sure Richard is okay? I really wanted to give him a hug, I haven't seen him since the tour."
"You know what Olli said, Paul...When he visited Richard last week, all of a sudden Richard went really quiet, Olli thinks he has a lot on his mind."
"But maybe I could help?"
The others laughed, Paul was always ready to get involved in anything that happened.
Paul looked at them disgruntled "I meant in a nice way you know.."
"Yeah, we know Paul.." Schneider grinned "...but you can be a bit.."
Paul's frown turned thunderous.
"...overbearing.."
"I have you know I can be *very* be supportive.."
"Not saying you can't, but.." Flake chuckled at Paul's face.
Schneider decided to be blunt "Look Paul, if something *Olli* said made
Richard retreat in his shell, then I think it's best for you to not get involved.."
"Yeah but.."
"Just give him time Paul, he probably has a lot on his mind.." Olli patted the guitarist's knee.
"But.."
"Let him come to you when he's ready.." Flake nudged Paul's shoulder.
Still only half convinced, eventually Paul resigned "Okay, if you guys say so.."
----
The weeks after that Richard had still been busier than he wanted.
He hardly had time to even play guitar for his own enjoyment, let alone anything serious.
Just days before the band would travel to Vilnius, the first venue on the 2023 tour, everything had been sorted out, and didn't need daily involvement anymore.
When he sat down in the Rammstein plane, he realized this was probably the first time that a tour was actually coming as a relief, a bit of respite from daily life.
Finally just the familar routine of rehearsing, yoga, getting dressed, playing a show, having dinner, going to bed.
Repeat.
The few rehearsals they did at home had been fewer than they wanted, but they all relied on their experience and professionalism to be able to make the show work.
There were a few days of rehearsals in Vilnius any way, they all figured that would be enough.
From the first day of rehearsing on stage, Richard felt off.
His gear felt off.
The sound wasn't the way he liked.
His back started to ache after not being used to stand up with a guitar around his neck anymore.
His tech team, used to his perfectionism, tried all kinds of tweaks, but
Richard wasn't happy with any of it.
For most of the rehearsals, he kept going back to his team, alternated with tuning with the other Rammstein musicians how to make the songs work on stage.
The others weren't too happy either, the new songs they had intended to play didn't seem to work well.
They turned to playing a few tried-and-tested songs to get into their usual routine, but even that didn't go as smoothly as usual.
Paul started to get nervous, he felt they needed more time, but as the dress rehearsal wiith an audience was already scheduled for tomorrow, time was the one thing they didn't have.
Sometimes the old Paul came back, the one they all feared, always the first to spot every single mistake, and ready to snap at it.
----
The morning of the dress rehearsal started out nervous and when Flake announced he was going on a long walk "on his own" (as he deliberately stressed), Schneider and Olli decided to take Paul on a walk around town as well.
Vilnius had some lovely traditional architecture, and usually Paul got in a better mood from some sightseeing.
"Richard is not happy with his sound.."
Schneider and Olli rolled their eyes at eachother "He'll get it together, he always does.."
"I really think it would help if I talked to him.."
"Remember what Flake said 'let him come to you'.."
"But I know exactly what he does wrong, he should switch to his other guitar a few songs earlier, and if his tech tunes it half a chord higher, then it won't sound as sucky and.."
Again looks between Schneider and Olli, now alarmed "Paul, no!"
"But he's playing it all wrong.."
"Paul.."
"It's stupid to play it that way.."
"PAUL!!"
"What?"
"Just stay away from him.."
"Or we'll confiscate your cappucino maker.."
Paul turned to look at his bandmates "You wouldn't!"
"We would!"
"Just for once listen to us!"
Paul frowned, but seeing his bandmates faces he gave in "Fine...if you guys say so.."
"We do!"
"Fine.."
"Okay!"
"This looks like a nice restaurant, why don't we have coffee and a snack here.."
"Oh, I want the Kibinai, our local crew said I should try those.."
-----
Rehearsal night.
Nothing more could be done, what happened, happened.
Richard actually felt a bit better at that thought.
And even a bit more when he put on his new stage outfit, which fitted perfectly.
They drank their usual shot of Tequila, and Till made his way to the balcony for his grand opening.
Schneider stepped behind his drumkit, and the others lined up before the stage entrance to step out.
Richard stood next to Paul, only now noticing that Paul was wearing the same outfit as last year, the grey suit with his name on the back (which had the others rolling on the floor when they'd first seen it, and Paul had had to suffer days of jabs of him wanting to start his own football team of short guitarists).
Even Paul's scent was vaguely familiar; cologne, with a hint of coffee and make-up.
It was the scent more than anything that did it.
The longing for it, knowing he could never be near it again.
Before he took the first step, images popped in Richard's head, a whole whirlwind of them.
Bad images.
Darkness.
Being alone.
Richard swallowed hard.
Not now, not now, worst timing ever.
Schneider and Till started the song.
The stagedoor opened, and they stepped out.
Richard playing on auto pilot, still frantically trying to stop the whirlwind.
The audience luckily distracted him a bit.
He hoped the worst was over.
But when he looked across the stage to the other side, the way he always did to make sure where the other guitarist was, the whirlwind came back with a vengeance.
Focus on the fans.
Focus on the fans.
Okay, that helped.
After every song, Richard quickly retired to his techteam.
"Are you happy with the sound Richard?"
"Okay.."
"We can turn it up still.."
"Okay.."
"So you want a tweak or..?"
"OKAY! I SAID OKAY!"
He stepped out again.
Same routine.
Looking on stage, nausea setting in.
Looking to the side, nausea subsided.
Breathe...breathe...
One song at a time..
Luckily the rest of the band played well.
Richard was able to play along to their vibe, and managed to control himself.
Walk to small stage, singing, boats back.
That brought some real distraction at least.
Fortunately.
Next song, he was in his booth, getting his next guitar, ready to step out when his assistent chuckled and nudged him "So, are you going to do the kissing bit with Paul again?"
Richard froze.
Ausländer...
The first notes already sounded.
Oh no...
That outro..
No, no, no..
He remembered how he had always looked forward to that last year, more every show, because there was always some teasing going on, Paul with his cheeky smile, pouting a little, ready for a hug, or more.
No, no, no, no, no..
It couldn't happen.
He didn't know how he got through the song, muscle memory of his hands most likely.
But when the last note before the outro was played he left.
Left the stage, left his booth.
He would have left the venue, the town and the band entirely if it hadn't been for accidently bumping into bandassistant Tom and almost knocking him over.
He mumbled an apology, but it was enough to make him snap out of it.
He saw Flake peeking out from the stage at him "Richard, what the hell are you doing?"
"Sorry, sorry.."
Quickly he ran back and went on stage again, but how he finished the show he didn't really remember afterwards.
Just finishing, getting back to the dressingroom, grabbing his stuff and leaving for the hotel.
The next morning Olli gently knocked on Richard's door.
Richard opened up, and with a reddening cheeks looked down "I'm sorry.."
Olli quietly let himself in and sat down on the bed.
He looked at Richard, still standing looking down "I didn't mean to.."
Olli patted the bed next to him for Richard to sit down.
Richard sighed, but did so, still looking down.
"What happened..?"
"I'm sorry.."
Olli lay his arm around Richard's shoulder, waiting for the guitarist to continue.
"I...just..."
Olli gave Richard's shoulder a small encouraging squeeze.
"...couldn't...with Paul.."
"....are you angry at Paul?"
"What? No!"
"Good...then what is going on.."
"Nothing is going on..."
Again Olli waited patiently, knowing that once Richard started talking he usually didn't stop until he blurted out everything on his mind.
"..nothing going on...Paul is happy..."
Olli frowned, a bit puzzled.
"..you guys said it, he's not for me..he's happy with his wife.."
Olli stroked Richard's shoulder. All of a sudden the puzzle pieces fell together.
He didn't know what to say.
"Sorry.."
"Do you miss him..?" Olli whispered.
Richard looked down again and in a low voice replied "..a bit.."
Olli again gave his shoulder a squeeze "We are going for a walk, why don't you come along...it'll do you good.."
"..Don't know.."
"Go on..I promise.."
And so they did.
Olli and Richard, Schneider and Paul.
When they reached a quiet lake, Olli and Richard stood at the water's edge for a few seconds, then Olli rubbed Richard's back "I'll be right back, just relax a bit.."
Richard sat down near the water, picking up a small pebble to throw in.
He watched the circle the pebble made before sinking away in the water.
Olli walked back and winked at Schneider.
Schneider gave Paul's arm a small pat "Olli and I will be right back.."
"What are you going to do..?"
"Never you mind.."
"But what am I.."
Schneider gave Paul a meaningful glance.
"Oh.." Paul looked a bit confused "..but I thought.."
"We changed our minds.."
"You mean you were wrong?"
"Wrong? We weren't wrong.. we just changed.. doesn't mean we.. Oh, shut up Paul!"
Olli gave him a small jab in the back "Go on.."
Paul watched Schneider and Olli turn away, then turned himself.
He watched Richard sitting in the grass, just having found another pebble.
Paul was a little hesitant, thinking about what to do.
He didn't want to spook Richard, didn't want him to get angry, didn't want...lots of things...
He took a deep breath and took the few steps, and sat down next to Richard.
Richard gave him a quick side glance, then picked up another pebble.
Paul didn't like silences, but still wasn't sure on what to say.
Another pebble.
Paul picked up a pebble too, waited until Richard threw his next one, and threw his own in as well.
The circles of both pebbles crossed eachother, making new patterns.
Richard smiled a small smile.
Paul felt encouraged by it "Hi.."
"Hi.."
Again a side glance from Richard, this time a bit longer.
Paul could see relief on the other guitarist's face when their eyes met and Paul smiled a friendly smile.
For a while they just sat there, quietly next to eachother, looking out over the lake.
A family of ducks floated past.
The odd insect buzzed in the springflowers on the waterfront.
Paul chuckled.
Richard looked at him, puzzled.
"Do you think the guys would believe you and I could sit together and *not* talk for this long?"
Richard chuckled too "Probably not...maybe better if we keep that between us."
Again a few minutes of silence.
"Richard?"
"Yeah?"
"What happened yesterday?"
There...it was out, the question that had been bothering Paul ever since last night.
Richard sighed.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No.."
"Good..." Paul was relieved "...did *you* do something wrong?"
Again Richard sighed "Probably.."
Paul's natural reaction was a cheeky response, but he held it back just in time, waiting for Richard to continue.
"It got too real...I'm sorry.."
Paul frowned, puzzled by the statement and what it had to do with last night
"What do you mean, too real.."
"The act..the kissing part of the act.."
Richard sighed again, a quick glance at Paul "..it got too real.."
Paul was taken aback, that was something he hadn't expected.
"The guys told me to stop doing it, that you are happy in your relationship, that i would forget it was an act, like it was just an act for you...but i didn't and it got..." Richard sighed again "..too real."
Paul bit his lip and stared out over the water again.
Richard glanced at him and looked down.
Picking up another pebble, he flicked it over the water.
Two circles.
He folded his hands in his lap and stared at the circles slowly disappearing.
All of a sudden he felt a nudge against his hand.
Paul's nudge.
Paul gently slipping his hand between Richard's hands.
Richard gave Paul's hand a small squeeze, at the same time feeling a weight lifting off his shoulders, a weight he only now felt had been there for weeks.
He looked at Paul.
Paul's grey eyes smiling back at him, the way Richard knew Paul smiled only to him.
A gentle smile, friendly, warm.
Paul's fingers found his own and their hands entwined.
A small squeeze from Paul "It wasn't just an act.."
Richard felt something fluttering in his stomache, the knot that had been there, suddenly loosened.
"No...?"
"No..." Paul briefly rubbed his cheek against Richard's shoulder "..but I *am* happy in my relationship.."
"I know...I didn't mean.."
"I know you didn't.."
They looked at eachother, hands still entwined, Richard's thumb stroking Paul's skin.
Paul reached out his other hand to brush away a strand of hair on Richard's forehead.
The familiar gesture made them both smile.
"Are we good?"
"Yeah.."
Richard looked down again "...but I don't think I can do that outro again.."
"No worries.." Paul chuckled "..I wanted to change some stuff anyway, you know me, never satisfied with things staying the way they are.."
Richard laughed, relieved "Tell me about it.."
"We won't do anything special on stage until you're up for it.."
Richard again squeezed Paul's hand, warm in his own "Thanks Paul.."
"But we're good..?"
"Definitely.."
Paul nudged him and with their hands still together he got up and pulled Richard up with him "Come on, let's go see what the others are doing.."
"Where are they anyway.." Richard peered out over the lake "...oh there they are, on the other side.."
Paul peered too "Think Olli is taking out his camera.."
"Are they doing a photoshoot?"
"Looks like it...wait...what?"
"What is Schneider doing..."
"Is he taking off his clothes..?"
"He is...right down to his underwear.."
"Why are they taking pictures in their underwear?"
"Oohh, wait for it.."
"Are they for real?"
"I think they are.."
"Yep, underwear has gone too.."
The guitarists looked at eachother and burst out laughing.
"Wait until Flake and Till hear about this.."