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"Shit! Shit-No! No..No..No-" You pulled all the sheets from your bed. "Where is it?!" You groaned in frustration, sitting back on your mattress. You had lost your journal. Normally that wouldn't be so bad. Only you had some pretty embarrassing things written in it. What if it got into the wrong hands? Maybe you were stupid for keeping a journal in a place like this. Who knows what would happen if all your words were shared with everyone?! Especially not the person you were crushing on! It was only a crush, really. You'd only fill pages with your poetry, and sometimes you'd write about your classmates. One in particular though. Shuichi Saihara, that is. Even thinking of him made you smile. Only, You didn't want him to know!
You decided to leave your room and search elsewhere. Hoping nobody had found it before you had. It was so much easier writing than talking to someone about it. Or actually telling them how you felt. Maybe you were kind of a loser. A hopeless romantic at best! Always wanting more out of things, always wanting to be somewhere else. Oh god, anyone who reads that would know! The last person you would want to find it would be Shuichi himself. How could you make such a foolish decision to leave your room with it? You'd be embarrassed .. you'd probably let yourself get killed instead!
You tried retracing your steps. (with each step further from your room.) Where was the last place you remembered having it? You mentally scolded yourself, being so careless like that? You stopped in your tracks. The library? Maybe someone had mistaken it for a book? You were grasping at straws here. Your anxious voyage began, keeping trembling fingers crossed in hopes that nobody had found it before you. Hopefully, that is.
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You walked into the library with confidence. Those anxious fingers fumbled with your sleeves, looking around the disheveled area. "There's no way I'll find it in here." You admitted to yourself in a mumble, realizing that even if it was there, there was no way you'd have much luck sifting aimlessly through books. It was an average, run-of-the-mill journal. It would blend in perfectly! You only felt worse now. You absolutely poured your heart out into that journal! You accepted your loss and gave up. (in defeat. in sorrow!) When looking around the library, you were sure you'd never find it in there. Maybe it was just lost for good. You hadn't written your name in it. So, It could always remain a mystery. (worst-case scenario.) It would still leave you very anxious. Maybe there was somewhere else to look? Geez. You sighed, taking your frustrated and upset leave towards the exit of the library. This was ridiculous!
Your monologuing was cut short when colliding right into someone. Someone - Someone who sounded very familiar. You stepped backward, almost falling over on your own feet. "Sh-Shuichi!" You were a little startled. Even if you wanted to make up an excuse to get out of this situation, you couldn't. "Sorry-! Sorry, I should'-" He seemed more shaken up than you were. "Is something wrong? Did something happen?" He grasped your shoulders, "No-No .. Uhmn. I was just-I'm fine." You nodded, assuring him of that. He let out a relieved breath. (still sounding anxious!) "I was meaning to talk to you." He said, sliding his hands from your shoulders. The pressure of his fingers was warm. No! Don't get flustered now!
"You ... were?" You questioned feebly, staring back at him. "It reminds me," He ducked his head down, pulling a small notebook from his pocket. "My journal!" You gasped out. Before he could even finish his sentence, you were reaching out for it. He allowed you to do so, carefully handing it over. You noted how his fingers brushed over yours. "I found this yesterday," Shuichi explained. "I wasn't sure what it was or who it belonged to. If it belonged to anyone at all .." He began. "Though, I thought it was unethical to read someone's journal." You were so relieved! Thank God, Shuichi hadn't read it! You held your journal close to your chest, nodding to his words. "S-So I didn't .. at first." He admitted. Seemingly ashamed to say it. "Huh?" You thought aloud. Quite the loud reaction, might I add. The fingers holding that damned journal to your chest trembled. You were at a loss for real words.
"I'm sorry - “ He apologetically spoke your name. "I-Well .." He nervously laughed, sounding taken aback himself. The red flush of his cheeks was easy to understand. "I had this feeling about it. I shouldn't have .. I know that now." His eyes darted away from you. (anxious?) "I knew it in the first place. Maybe it's the curious intuition in me. But, The writing.." Shuichi looked back to you, "The delicate words, I knew it belonged to you." He confessed. You stared back at the boy before you. Each word that came out of his mouth sounded just as uneasy as the next. (nervous regrets?) You felt the same way. With a lethal grip on your journal, you could only nod. He read your journal. All those paragraphs on how you felt, and what you felt for your classmate? (Indeed, you had pure intentions!)
You were terrified of his next words.
"Did you.." He cleared his throat, "Did you .. really mean all that?" He questioned. Your hands were sweating now. That was it! He knew .. he knew it all. "Uhmn.." You couldn't muster the strength to keep looking at him. Your eyes met the floor, taking in how close you were to him. You were burning up. A furious red in your cheeks; anxious sweat mixing with your emotions. "You wrote with such honesty and emotion .. You couldn't have been dishonest.” His voice was comforting to you. But he sounded nervous. Shuichi had gone over the possibility that you felt something for him. More than your friends did. He didn't have enough confidence within himself to believe it though. "If I make you feel that way? .. I don't think anyone has ever thought of me that way." He confessed. (breaths were trembling!) "It's only poetry, Shuichi." You spoke quietly and lifted your head. Just enough to see his eyes. "Only poetry?! No. Your words .. they mean something.” He corrected you, reaching out for your hand. "To me, at least." He smiled.
You swallowed, grasping his outstretched hand. There was an awkward noise from him with your warm squeeze. "I-Erm-" He choked up, surprised you'd return the proposition. Or maybe it was the contact. Your sweaty palm pressed against his? "I .. wouldn't have expected this." He glanced at your hand, placing the quivering fingers of his left hand over the connection. "Do you really like me that much?" He asked more clearly, moving his eyes back to you. What nervous blotches of red across his face. You took in a deep breath, acknowledging that he could take notice of this. "It's true. I .. did mean what I sai-Wrote." You squeezed his hand, catching a hum from him. (was he touch-starved or something? nervous?)
"I .. I think it's sweet. It makes me happy to know I can make someone feel like this." Your mouth eased into a little smile, unable to form a sentence. "Especially from you. I-I'd.." He let out a breath. "I'd like to see where this goes." He carefully moved you closer to him by the wrists. "I confide in you more than anyone else. I trust you. That's all I need right now. To have you by my side like this? Its .. " He glanced down with a small laugh. It sounded more nervous than anything. "I wouldn't have expected it." He said, meeting your face again. "Mhmnm." You hummed, biting down on your lip. Tears stung in your eyes. (don't cry don't cry don't cry!)
“Oh! Please don't cry.." Shuichi let go of your hands, breaking the contact. "Shuichi-" You sniffled, taking the moment to pull him against your body. Close enough to press your arms against his back. He was quiet at best, hesitant to return the embrace. "When we get out of here .. I'll make sure to keep you this happy." He spoke calmly, running his hand down your head. As happy as I am to be around you .. You inspire me." Shuichi continued, holding you there comfortably - leaving you to hear his heartbeat. "So, Thank you.”
His words were .. hopeful to hear. It was quiet. Your foggy mind felt quiet, taking in this moment. It was the most comfort you had felt this entire time. Hopefully, you could hold onto that.
After a few moments, you ran your hands down his back, slowly pulling away from him. You only moved a few inches away. Enough to see his flustered expression again. "Oh,” Shuichi lifted his thumbs to your face, rubbing the wet skin. "Let's stay as positive as we can. Okay? I know .. I feel better having you here." You nodded, returning a warm smile. You held his hands there - enough to press his palms to your face. Enough for his fingers to press against your warm cheekbones. A quiet sigh from you, and you closed your eyes. (leaning against his hands.) It was easy to feel better around someone you loved. When flickering your eyes open, you'd stare back at Shuichi. Such a sincere expression from him. He was so kind to you. That meant something. When seeing how stray hairs would fall past his eyes, now .. you had someone to hold onto.
"Shuichi," You parted your lips to speak, but his name came out quietly. "Hmn?" He brushed his thumbs against your cheeks. (maybe wondering what you'd say next?) What warm skin pressed against his. "This is how I want to remember you. Just like this." You said, pressing your fingers against his hands. "Here, with me." You sniffled, unable to hide your smile. "Without worrying about anything. That's what I want to remember." Your voice broke at the last vowel, catching a view of the empathy in his reaction.
"I'll be sure of that," He nodded, steady to keep eye contact. "I'll do what I can to leave here with you. I promise." He assured you, voice soft and full of determination. Bittersweet. That's all you needed. For the past days following, you'd write about the losses. At least you had someone to keep by your side.