Work Text:
==========================================
Everything it's fucking great, he thinks with himself while takes another sip of the fifth dry martini that ordered that night, and during this he finally gets why Gerri just loves such an old-fashioned drink; the raw and sudden flavor that comes into his mouth and warms gently at the same time makes that weird burning feeling in his insides goes numb for a little while and that thing, that strange relief just turns some key hidden inside him. He just feels fucking great, that's it.
After that weird-shakespearian-too-much-to-handle shitshow that was the sale of the Waystar Royco, he started to drink like that almost every day, but not in a concern alcoholic way, but more in a "I'm pretty aware of what's happening here and I want to keep going" way. In the moment that he finally realized in that meeting room, during the terrible fight between Shiv and Kendall, that they're just a bunch of nothings fighting against a blank and standing wall, everything just changed inside of him, like that twist of key bought by the good old dry martini.
"Did you see that news of that rich-Roy people?", someone says in a loud voice on the other side of the bar and the other one just nods with the head while taking a shot of a very rash tequila. "While they're cleaning their asses with golden papers, we're here... drinking but still better than they somehow."
The other agreed with a loud laugh and Roman took another big sip of the drink, almost choking when he finished and nobody even noticed... so it's like he though: he was a big fucking nothing.
In other times, he, Shiv and Ken will always wait a little more for themselves just for being what they're supposed to be; going to the best bars, the most shining places in the town and, of course, with pockets and mouths full of high numbers and insults to everyone, making him thinking that, if one day they needed to go to a fucking public bathroom, it will probably have some golden seats or toilet papers in form of dollars, but now... he's just wandering around the most dirtiest places that a men's eyes could conceive.
"Another shot, buddy?", the waiter asks with a slight move of his head, and Rome copes that weirdly gentle sign and holds the cup to him.
"Thanks, bro", he says, raising the glass.
On the beginning of his travel through the glasses of dry martini and suburban bars, he was on that same old pubs that were on the "Roy-level", but then Rome just wanted some of that incognito that he became on that dirty tables, where some man just throw a slight look to him and then come back to their beers, so, there he is... drinking with the working class of New York and watching the channels that one day could belong to him.
"Damnit...", he takes another sip and puts the empty glass on the table again, making a quick sign to the waiter. "Please, one more."
"Take it easy, man", the other says and he just raises his shoulders with a deep breath, putting a large amount of dollars in front of the patient waiter.
"Just bring me more of this, dude, without any questions, okay?", he raises an eyebrow and the waiter nods quickly, getting out.
He thought that this feeling has already being sucked out of him but, fuck, there he goes again thinking about all those possibilities that just goes beneath his fingers like damn sand... his opened stitches hurtled every time that the words come again on his head like fucking spikes. Why not me? He asked Kendall while staring at his broken face in the glass table, why not me?
"There you go, chief", the waiter comes back with another glass that automatically Roman takes down his tongue without hesitation, and the other man just sighs coming back to his little job.
In the TV right in front of him an anchorman talks and talks about some shit of Mencken and his followers and again Roman puts his elbows upon the dirty table and sighs, looking through the empty glass and seeing a bit distorted version of his face that makes a slight smile draw in his lips.
He looks like a monster, a fucking monster.
"Oh, Dad would love to hear that...", he thinks out loud and scoffs, staying with his head upon his crossed arms on the table.
Now he can go home again, for another night where the possibilities fly upon him like a bunch of vultures and his mind and fingers wanders around the Gerri's numbers a few times until he fell sleep on the couch.
But that night he finally calls her for some reason. Well, maybe he finally gets on the shoes of insanity that his family always proclaims to him...
"Roman?", her voice makes unexpected shivers goes upon his skin and he lays down against the sofa with a smooth move, putting a hand over his head. "W-what are you-- t-that's not a fucking joke, right?"
He doesn't answer.
"Rome? Are you here?"
Again, nothing but a little sigh.
"I'm feel really sorry for you, Roman, and I can't even speak why...", she finally says and before anything, he turns down the call and throws the phone over the table beside him.
But beside everything, it was a bit cool to hear his name being pronounced by someone familiar after all that time.
[...]
Sometimes he thinks that beside all that shitshow, a weird happiness should be able to come inside him, but that's not what happen even when he leaves the Waystar with some billions on his pocket and the old glimpse of the tragedy that follows him and his siblings, on the other hand, he became less and less happy with all the situation when the other things started to come out.
First it was the little thing that Shiv conceived with the new CEO of America and the whole world. Roman saw the baby's face in every single place that he went, on the TV, in the magazines and newspapers... he was almost going insane from being so attained by such things about his nephew whose face was only seen on the screens.
And now, he doesn't know anything about Kendall or even Connor. Sometimes he wanders around the possibility of sending just a "Hi, Con", a "What's up, Ken?" or even a "Hey, Shivy, how's going to copy mom?" but... he's just can't do this, it's physically impossible, and he just know this because he tried to call Ken one time before a rough day and he started to breath funny on the ringing phone.
Not just Dad, but now everyone seems to make him breath funny... wow, awesome!
The only calls that he's been able to make without having a fucking withdrawal and sink into the sofa it's to Gerri, and it's probably because he never says a word, just feeling that strange knowledge that only a fine line and the phones are between then in the moment.
"Roman...? Wow, nothing again?", Gerri scoffs and he has an instinct to laugh with her, but covers his mouth instead and stays quiet. "What the fuck I need to say to make you open this mouth, huh?"
He opens a smile, but is still quiet.
"As far I can remember you used to never shut this fucking mouth...", she laughs with a little bit of enjoyment. "What happened, Rome?"
He likes when she says his name, making it sound more real than ever.
"Roman...?", she asks. "Okay, if you don't want to say anything I will torture you by making you listen about my day."
He adjusts his position on the sofa and supports the phone in his ear with one hand while putting another over his head like the other time, letting a smile spread across his face.
And it's like this every single day, even making him go less and less to the bar, just waiting anxiously to call her again.
"It's doesn't make you bored, huh?", he never answers, but still she says everything about her routine to him, even the most boring parts like getting up or going to the job, and he just listens, sometimes closing his eyes and imagining himself beside her on those black shiny cars that took them to the Waystar, and in this delusion thinking he puts his hand upon the seat and she holds him tight, opening a slight smile.
"I wonder what you think during all of... this, you know?", she says. "Or if you ever think about this..., do you still have anything there inside you, Roman?"
He chuckles, loud on purpose, and she says:
"Oh, I knew that...", she laughs too. "Of course, that stills something there, you weird and stubborn thing."
And he finally speaks, saying:
"I think that there is still some space... I mean there's no need for a large room for some feelings."
She laughs again, sounding relieved.
"Oh, welcome back, Roman Roy...", he hears a little softness in her voice that makes that burning thing inside him calm down. "I have to confess that I've missed you around."
He answers with a low voice:
"I've missed you too, Gerri."
She stays quiet for a while, and he just starts getting inside a familiar withdrawal wondering if she will hang up, saying:
"Uh, it's not like---", he coughs. "Like before, right? L-like that---"
"Like what, Roman? Like those weird sex phone calls, y-you mean?", she sounds concerned and he instinctively hugs himself. "Is that?"
"I-I don't know..."
"Well, me neither...", she sighs. "I-I just wanted to have something, like, normal... b-but that's kind of of--- I don't know, Roman."
He starts to breathe funny, again.
"Oh, please, Gerri...", he feels ridiculous for being in this role of poor-little-thing. "Just don't turn off on my face, I-I can try anything... I was just--- you know? It's the weird way of affection or anything that I learned, or any of this psychological shit."
She stays in silence and he exhales.
"Please, Gerri", he said. "You never make me breathe l-like they used to make..."
"Rome", she answered. "Take care of yourself, please... just do that."
"I know", he finally cried, holding his face with one of his hands. "I-I know... it's just I'm so--- so fucked up now, Gerri."
And then she said:
"Oh, Rome...", she sighs again. "I know too."
But then, after this almost magical day, she stops answering out of nowhere and he gets again into the spiral, even buying another phone just to check if this the fucking signal, but again, no answer.
Yep, he thinks, you've screwed up again.
[...]
There's he again, on the corner, not losing his fucking religion but drinking himself to death just to see how it's like. Maybe the poison drips through, that's what Kendall said one time and now he can see that more clearly when the same addiction that burns the veins of his brother now goes into his mouth.
First was the dry martini, but now it's every single thing that holds alcohol. The waiter does not even ask him anymore to "take it easy", he just hands the cup to him and watches.
But he kind of starts to think fondly of him because of one specific thing that happened; that night, a man goes up to bother Roman on his table to mock him in a drunk way by emits a sound like a dying pig, a friendly reminder of his meltdown in his dad's wake, and then the waiter comes up and told the man to "fuck off and leave him alone".
"What's your name?", asked a very drunk Roman during that, and the waiter makes a little surprised face before saying:
"Uh, my name's Tyler", and then coming back to his cups in a nervous way.
"Oh, Tyler...", Roman smiles and takes another sip of the glass. "Thanks for this, bud... when I die from drinking, I want you on the front row."
Tyler opens a little smile, probably not getting the irony of Roman, but making a little gentleness to that poor soul on the table.
"But, for real...", Roman opened up a smile and started to reach his wallet. "What the fuck you w-want? Like--- do you want a fucking blowjob or money or... I-I don't know--"
And Tyler just blinked and said:
"Oh, I- I don't want anything, man."
Roman laughed.
"For real...?"
"Y-yeah", Tyler laughed too. "For real, bud."
And on that same night, when he's wandering around his neighborhood before getting home again and sleeps on the floor over his dry vomit, he walks into an almost empty park where some teenagers are smoking and laughing loudly. They're so numb to his presence that they even blink when he goes next to one of the trees and opens his zipper, pissing right there over the hearts shaped on the wood and other silly draws.
Finally relieved, he starts to walk again around the park, finding out that this apparently normal thing was kind of an abnormality for him, so stuck up to his shiny things and bright cars, and his drunk thoughts and fucked up siblings, then even can hunt him into miles of distance, on that fucking damaged park... and there's this fucking loud noise.
"Who ar--"
And then this thing barks to him, suddenly.
"What the--", he looked back and found it.
The thing barks again, louder than ever.
"Ah, fuck off!", he makes a violent sign to the dog, that not even blinked. "Get the--- your fucking stupid---"
It still stands, blinking at him.
"Goddamn, your---", he tries to take off his shoes, and almost falls. "F-fucking dog--"
Roman yells at the thing, makes the suggestion of a kick and a punch with his tangled and very drunk legs and hands, but the thing just sit and still, making a little move with his fur head and Roman just, he just can't let this, like damn-- he gets on the ground, putting his hand over the ears of the puppy and whispering to himself: Oh, fuck...
Above the light, the black fur of the puppy is almost shiny, and he has some white shapes spread across his body, including one especially large on one of his eyes, and Roman starts to find it a little bit... beautiful?
"Oh, hi, buddy...", he caresses the head of the dog with hesitation and then laughs with surprise when the thing just licks his hand and puts one paw upon his knee. "Ah, your--- smart little shit, huh? Trying to get a home?"
The thing starred him with big bright eyes.
"Come on", he scoffs. "Don't be such a--- you know? That's not how--- be less a... dog."
And then, one glimpse of the hands of Kendall during that fucking hug comes into his head and he holds up the pain, and in a sudden movement, he gets the puppy from the ground and takes it with gentleness.
"O-okay, bud...", he breathes heavily. "I-I think that's something, right? You're not going to fucking bite me and any shit like that... so let's go inside, it's freezing here, huh?"
The dog just yawned out loud and he laughed.
"Oh, your adorable little shit!"
When he got home and finally convinced the dog to stay away from his carpet, Roman took the phone with the puppy sitting beside him on the sofa and called her again.
And, like a miracle, she answered.
"Roman, what are you--"
"I got a dog", he said, putting a hand over the puppy's head. "I-I just want you to know... that's kind of stupid to say at this hour, but... anyway, y-you can just hang up."
"Oh", instead of just turn down the call, she stayed with a little surprised tone. "Y-you just did that? Wow, that's... good luck, then."
"Thanks", he replies. "He fucking pissed everywhere but... what can I do, right?"
Gerri laughs, and then says:
"Sorry for the silence", he almost dropped the phone when she said it. Sorry? Wow, that's a new word in his dictionary. "I was just--- I don't know... I'm just sorry."
"Ah, t-that's okay...", he messes his own head and then the puppy pulls his paws upon his legs, resting his warm body. "I'm good now, and... we're good too?"
She signs, and then replies:
"Yes", she laughs a little bit. "We're good."
[...]
At some point of his childhood, there was a dog cage, yeah, that fucking dog cage, but... if there was a cage, it must have a dog around, right? When the puppy starts to live with him, the question pounds on his head multiple times while he watches the little shit destroy his curtains. It must to have a dog, but it just doesn't come to his memory what the fuck happened to this hypothetical dog... and if it really existed, actually.
"Hey, your--- stop it! Hey---", he gets into the bathroom the moment the little thing destroys all the toilet paper and wanders around him, barking with his tongue out having the biggest fun of his life. "Oh, your fucking---"
Roman starts laughing and sits on the ground, being received by licks and jumps of the dog and takes a picture of the moment, sending it to Gerri without hesitation.
After the day he talks to her about the dog, the same routine of late phone calls begun again, now with his own day being included in the conversations; it was boring to see how Gerri always had something to solve while his biggest problem was what pajamas he would wear for the rest of the day, but somehow, she enjoyed to listen his complains and little joys bought by the puppy.
Roman didn't give him a name yet. He even thought about some funny names like Greg the Egg or Tom, just for hell of it, but then the strange respect that he found about the little creature made him reconsider all of the names he chose. So, no names for now, just something like "buddy" or "champ" and sometimes "little shit" or "fucking prick".
And the fucking question stills around like a ghost, but he didn't try to solve that already... he decided to give this little moment of happiness and calm for himself as a treat.
"You sound better today", Gerri says on that night when he calls her. "That's good to notice now, Roman."
He smiles and lays his head against the pillow, allowing the dog to join him.
"Oh, it's just--- you know, I'm going back to being the good old sexy prick Roman Roy that you knew", he hears her little laugh on the other line and opens a smile. "That's good, huh?"
"Ah, shut up before you regret it!", she replies and he laughs even more.
And the calls that overcame that one was just a glimpse of the strange light that came into his insides and turned down the feeling that was sucking him to the bone. He found himself coming outside more times than before, now less ashamed of every single step that was taking and the company of the dog in his walks was pretty pleasant.
Somehow, he was totally like the people he always laughed about, going to the park with their dogs and watching the Hudson go over.
But then this little routine falls apart in a very unexpected way, and of course the fault was of the fucking dog. On that day, a little bird came to the balcony and stayed outside with his little annoying sounds that Roman chose to ignore while watching something about a large protest in Oklahoma about Mencken and all his shitty team.
And suddenly the bird stopped the singing, and he didn't got concern on the beginning but then the dog come inside the living room with a fucking red mess in his mouth.
"Oh, my--- holy---", Roman got up all of sudden, throwing the remote somewhere and then going away from the dog. "What the fuck---"
His stitches started to hurt again, and his breath became harsher than before.
"Dude, what did you--", he stared at the dog, who just sit down and put his tongue out.
Oh, something inside screamed and switched all of sudden, and then he remembered of the fucking dog cage... and of the dog. It- It was in the Summer Palace, of course, and he was the owner with Shiv and the name of the little shit was something stupid like Moose and... Dad did something to him, something that---
"Ah, no, no...", he feels the same thing that caught him in Dad's wake and sits on the floor with his hands in his chest like he was having a goddamn heart attack. "Please, stop it..."
Dad, he-- he fucking shot the dog one day, and it was because of a bird... the stupid thing appeared and the dog just ripped apart and the Old Man got furious with all the blood and guts spread on the carpet.
Shiv cried holding his legs while he prepared the gunshot, and Roman he--- what the fuck did he do? Oh, he just stands there? No, no...
"Why did you do this?", he says to the dog in front of him, who just goes in his direction and sits close to Roman with bright eyes. "Your--- just get out--- your fucking stupid monster!"
Dad pointed the gun to the dog; he can see that in front of his eyes but somehow his body is totally frozen. Shiv stills crying and he wants to make her shut her fucking mouth.
He gets up and pulls apart from the dog that stills following him, and the first thing his eyes can get is used to be thrown on the prick.
"STUPID LITTLE SHIT!", he continues to throw a lot of things on the dog, and the objects on the table and other places just start to disappear while he breaks everything on the ground trying to get the dog. "FUCKING MONSTER--- you can't just---"
He throws more and more, making the dog dance around the glass and dust on the floor to escape the attack, trying to reach him.
How much did Moose die when Dad shot him? Roman can see perfectly the body of him laying down on the grass with heavy breath and some little sounds. Why not him? He remembered thinking at that time. Why Moose and not me?
Roman throws another thing on the dog, but then he gets to escape again, walking in his direction. He gives up with a hard breath and finally sits on the ground, letting the puppy approach him and puts his fur head against his shirt, and Rome gets this weird thought that doesn't even have a point to yell at the dog because he didn't even fucking understand what he did, and then his dad just killed one.
He killed a fucking dog for being a... dog.
"I'm sorry, bud---", he hugs the puppy and caresses his black fur while his tears bathe the head of the puppy. "I'm so sorry..."
He found the phone somewhere, and then picked Gerri's number.
"Hi, Roman", she said. "It's early, right?"
"Yeah, I-I know", he hugs the puppy again. "But it's just I... something just happened, Gerri."