Chapter Text
Johnny exhaled slowly and sent a quick text to the groupchat of him and a few friends, telling them he was turning off his phone and not waiting for an answer, they likely wouldn’t answer for a while anyways.
He didn’t know why he was getting so upset about this, perhaps because he so desperately craved attention, affection, anything really.
Johnny powered off his phone and stared at his lap for a minute as tears welled in his eyes, phone slipping out of his hands and falling to the floor by his bed.
He knew they were busy, occupied, hanging out with other friends, or just doing other things and simply not getting on their phones much, but turning the phone off meant that he wouldn’t get messages at all, and he figured that was easier to handle rather than feeling ignored.
It still made him feel unwanted, especially because he knew he was annoying, and he talked too much, and no one wanted him but they pretended they did, pity, he supposed.
He loved his friends, and normally he thought they loved him too, but sometimes his head gets to be too much and he simply can’t think of why the fuck anyone would want to be his friend.
Johnny only saw his flaws most of the time, there were a few days that he felt good, really good , but those never lasted long.
He sighed, picking up his phone and putting it on the bedside table, looking around his room, vacant of his roommate currently, as they were out with their partner.
The feeling of overwhelming loneliness hit him like a freight train and tears spilled down his cheeks, heart thudding against his ribcage, breaths growing unsteady.
Soap laid down and buried his face in his pillow, hyperventilating as he tried to breathe through his sobs.
His heart ached and he felt like it was getting ripped out of him just to be squeezed to the point it stopped beating before his eyes.
Johnny clutched at his chest, gasping for air and a wave of panic washing over him when he couldn’t manage to get air in his lungs.
He whimpered in pain and squeezed his eyes shut, legs coming up to his chest so he was sideways in fetal position.
Soap’s breathing was labored and heavy, hands shaking anxiously as they gripped at his legs, trying to bring them closer to his chest.
He heard voices, not real, just loud in his head, things that had been said to him and about him overwhelming his mind.
“How would anyone ever want you? You can’t even make a good daughter, what with your bullshit about transitioning, whatever that means.” “God Moyra, why are you so fucking dumb?” “Johnny! Can you please shut the fuck up! Jesus Christ, so fucking annoying.” “You’re such a fucking whore for attention, can’t believe you thought I actually loved you, you’re not even a real man. Freak.” “Oh you’re a real man huh? Where’s your dick then, Moyra? Hm? If you’re a real man then why do you have to bind your chest?” “You’ll never be a real man, Johnny.”
He’d gotten tired of everything after those things had been said to him, tried to kill himself at least twice, he’d almost dropped out of college before he met Ghost and Roach, and Price who was older than them by a few years.
Johnny had scratched at his chest, nails digging into his flesh and causing his breasts to bleed, he’d had to get surgery after that, in a sick and twisted way, he was glad that he’d had to get surgery after that, and that was the first time.
The next time he tried to kill himself after that was with one of the knives he’d received as a birthday present, more recent; he’d sliced at his thighs until the bathroom floor was covered in red and sticky liquid, he’d done his arms too, almost died that time, König had found him before he passed out, panicked and called Roach for help.
He felt nothing when he woke up in a hospital bed, zoned out as Price and Ghost berated him for it, König and Gary sitting there quietly, just concerned for their friend.
Johnny felt numb the next morning too, and for a week after the incident, before he started to feel again, he missed feeling numb .
He wished he could feel numb again, but he didn’t want to relapse, didn’t want to worry his friends and get yelled at again.
Soap knew the reason that Simon and John had yelled at him was because they’d also tried to kill themselves at one point in time, and they understood, and they were scared .
He was so close to going into the bathroom, locking the door, and grabbing the razor to litter his skin with even more scars than there were.
Johnny looked down at his arms and legs, his breathing had calmed back down and the tears had mostly gone down to droplets every once in a while, so he could actually see.
He shivered, though he wasn’t cold, and slowly sat up again, running his fingers over the scars lightly, sniffling.
Soap squeezed his eyes shut again and felt himself slip out of his mind, opening them again but feeling like he was watching from afar.
He was dissociating again, that much he knew, and soon he’d blank out, lose time, not know what had happened when he came back to his body.
Johnny’s body moved to the bathroom slowly, hands opening drawers to search for the razors, eyes scanning the contents of each one.
He grabbed the first one he saw and fell to the floor, tugging his pants off to have better access to his legs.
Soap’s hands moved to dig the razor into the flesh of his thighs, body numb to the pain and tears streaming down his cheeks.
He hated himself, hated his body and the way his voice sounded even after all these years of testosterone, why couldn’t he feel happy?
When time got back to him he started to panic again, blood covering his hands and floor, soaking the gray rug they’d gotten for the floor in front of the sink.
Johnny gasped, immediately opening the cabinets to try and find things to clean it up, barely registering the burn in his thighs, the blood streaming from the cuts.
He almost didn’t hear the banging on the door over the screaming inside his head, scrubbing at the rug vigorously with cleaning supplies and rags, not wanting to get in trouble.
Soap was crying as he scrubbed, hands trembling in fear, he felt like he was back at home again.
He jumped when the knocks grew closer, on the bathroom door this time, he supposed they’d gotten past the front door.
Johnny scrambled backwards, body shaking and hands flying to his head as he curled up next to the tub, pleading for whoever was coming not to hurt him.
He hit blindly at the hands now on him, sobbing and screaming trying to back up further against the tub, heart racing and panic sinking in again when he realized he was cornered.
“Johnny! Please! Calm down!” Ghost’s eyes were wide and he was panicking, looking back at a paralyzed König and inhaling deeply before starting to speak to him, Soap’s fingers still digging into his arms, nails breaking skin.
“Love, I need you to take a deep breath, and call Gary and John, tell them that Johnny had a stage 5 episode and isn’t out yet. Can you do that for me?” He asked quietly, receiving a small nod from the other and watching them walk away.
“Soap, honey, please, it’s Simon, it’s Ghost, you’re safe, you’re okay.” Simon had barely taken notice of the blood staining the floor and rug, murmuring a quiet fuck and then trying to get Soap to calm down again.
He was so focused on getting Johnny to breathe correctly and realize who was in front of him that he hadn’t heard König say that Price was on the way with Gary or heard them say that he was gonna call Kyle and let him know.
Simon jolted when a hand came in contact with his shoulder, looking back and sighing in relief when he saw who it was, slowly taking his hands away from Soap who seemed to be panicking less now.
He stood up quickly, hands shaking and covered in Johnny’s blood, eyes glued to the sticky, red liquid covering his hands.
“Simon, go wash your hands in the kitchen, I’ll take care of our boy, mkay?” Simon nodded slowly, glancing at Soap and then meeting eyes with Price again before walking out slowly.
He shakily turned on the sink, washing his hands slowly at first and then scrubbing vigorously at his skin, tears threatening to spill.
Price kneeled next to Johnny on the floor, slowly reaching a hand out, waiting for the other to take it.
“Do you know where you are?” He asked quietly, giving Soap’s hand a soft squeeze and receiving a nod in response to his question.
“Alright, that’s good, can you tell me what my name is? Can you do that for me, love?” A longer pause than before but another nod.
“John Price.” Johnny murmured hoarsely, slowly looking up to meet the other’s eyes, sniffling and trying not to cry again.
“Mhm, good job darling, can you tell me what happened?” He hummed quietly, thinking about it and then nodding again, bringing John’s hand closer to play with his fingers.
“Later, clean first?” Price nodded quickly and placed a hand on Soap’s cheek before standing up and helping the other up.
“Alright, let me clean you up and then I’ll clean the floor up later, hm?” He muttered, offering Johnny a reassuring smile and then grabbing a washcloth from the drawer, running warm water over it and then helping the other sit on the toilet lid, kneeling in front of him.
“Can I take your boxers off, sweetheart? We need to wash them. Later is okay too. Whatever you want.” Soap fiddled with the hem of his shirt for a moment before nodding hesitantly and beginning to slip them off over the now mostly dried blood on his thighs.
“Thank you honey, I’m gonna throw these in the wash and have König start the wash, mkay? I’ll be right back, you'll be alright for a moment?”
He hummed in response, standing by the toilet as Price slowly put a towel on the lid and gestured for him to sit down.
Johnny sat down and fiddled with his shirt again, sniffling and glancing around the bathroom, blood splattered on the cabinet and lower wall, covering the tile floor and wall.
He inhaled deeply through his mouth but didn’t exhale, trying his best not to freak out again, finally exhaling when he heard Price coming back.
Price kneeled down again and grabbed the washcloth off of the counter, softly holding Johnny’s thigh and scrubbing the blood off as gently as he could.
He looked up every once in a while to check on Johnny, moving to his other thigh after he had gotten all of the blood off the other.
When John was done cleaning Soap up he put the rag in the sink and then stood up, slowly reaching out a hand to the other.
“Do you wanna shower? Or would you prefer to rest and talk about this later?” He waited for the younger to talk but only got silence, waited a bit longer and then Soap held up two fingers.
Johnny pulled his shirt down to cover himself, chewing the inside if his cheek nervously and glancing up at John.
He reached out slowly, tugging at Price’s shirt and gnawing on his lower lip, moving his hands to sign once he got the other’s attention.
‘Boxers first? Then leave bathroom?’ Price flushed in embarrassment and nodded, apologizing for forgetting to get a replacement pair and then walking off to grab another pair of boxers for Soap.
He walked out of the bathroom and towards the other’s room, opening the door and grabbing a pair of boxers out of the dresser.
Soap shifted on his feet as he waited for Price to get back, he could feel eyes on him, knew that the others were watching him.
He sighed in relief as Price came back into view, taking the pair of boxers from him and slipping them on carefully, his thighs weren’t bleeding much anymore but they probably should be bandaged.
“Should probably bandage him up, John.” Simon murmured as he came to stand beside the pair, placing a hand on Price’s back.
“I will, Si, just trying to get him to bed, you get some peroxide and bandages? And can you get Gary or König to clean up the bathroom, tell us when the others get here, as well?” Simon nodded and leaned down a bit to place a kiss to Price’s forehead, glancing at Johnny who was leaning forward as if he too wanted a kiss, so Simon leaned down slowly to press a kiss to the other’s nose, smiling at him slightly.
Price grabbed Soap’s hand gently and tugged him towards the bedroom, Simon following closely behind with the wound dressings and peroxide.
He sat the younger down and motioned for Simon to bandage him up, murmuring that he’d ask the boys to clean the bathroom and tell them when the other’s arrived before walking out with a soft squeeze to Soap’s shoulder.
Simon moved to grab the bandages, unwrapping them and then grabbing Johnny’s thigh gently, lifting it to start wrapping the bandages around it.
He huffed when he remembered he had to do the peroxide first, telling Soap to wait and then going to grab a washcloth.
Johnny tugged at the bottom of his shirt, trying to distract himself from the thoughts in his head and trying to wait for Simon to get back without doing anything he shouldn't.
He reached out and made grabby hands towards Ghost when he came back in the room, the other tilting his head but wrapping his arms around Soap nonetheless.
When Simon pulled back Soap’s hands were up again, this time signing, he’d missed a few words but could piece the question together with the ones he caught, those being; lap and sit.
“You want to sit in my lap?” He received a nod from Johnny and hummed, tilting his head and then shrugging, kneeling in front of the bed again.
“Gotta bandage you up first, prince. But after that, yes.” Soap grinned happily and moved his foot to Ghost’s knee to make it easier.
He watched as the other poured peroxide onto the rag and then started slowly cleaning his cuts up, they were going to start bleeding again now that the dried blood had been cleaned off.
Ghost quickly wrapped the bandages around Johnny’s thigh before moving to clean the other one so he could wrap it up as well.
He wrapped that thigh as well and then put the rest of the things to the side, murmuring something about cleaning them up later, pressing a gentle kiss to each of the other’s knees and then standing up.
Johnny reached out to him immediately, tugging at his shirt and huffing quietly, impatient and needing affection.
He hummed in happiness when Simon’s jacket came off and then the other’s shoes, then he was scooped up into the man’s arms.
Simon kissed Soap’s head before sitting down on the bed, the other in his lap, legs wrapped around his waist and arms wrapped around his neck.
He wrapped his arms tightly around Johnny’s waist and buried his face in his neck, exhaling slowly and bringing a hand up to run his fingers through the other’s hair.
In about ten minutes they’d fallen asleep and were curled up at the headboard of the bed, leaning against it.