Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[Ocean O’Connell Rosenburg created a new groupchat with Penny Lamb, Constance Blackwood, Ricky Potts, and Mischa Bachinski] 

Ocean: ifnoel says anythin g hes lying!!!

Penny: r u okay?!

Ricky: theres like 5 typos in that message 

Constance: Ocean???

Penny; OCEA N?

Mischa: what is happening? 

why did orphan make groupchat

where is noel 

Penny: mischa stop being gay for noel and focus 

Mischa: what?

Ocean: noel isn’t i n this gioroucpat bc hes a dirty propagranda spreader !!

Ricky: “girocupat” 

Constance: “griropchte” 

Penny: how did you manage to make a typo so awful we can’t even replicate it correctly 

Constance: OH NO

OCEAN DID YOU EAT THE CHEESE 

Penny: what cheese 

Constance: OCEAN!!!!!

Penny: CONNIE?????

WHAT CHEESE 

Ricky: QIUZ: what is wrong with ocean? 

A; she ate the cheese

B: her parents give her the weed? 

Constance: nah not B 

her parents give her weed all the time 

Ricky: wait wouldn’t that make b correct

Constance: no she swore never to smoke it 

so now i have a bunch of weed in the ottoman in my room 

Ricky: holy shit 

Penny: wow 

also WHAT CHEESE 

Mischa: answer is c 

Constance: whats c 

Mischa: drank laundry detergent 

Constance: why would she do that 

Mischa: Blue 

Constance: what

Ricky: or  D

 Shes kidnapped? 

Penny: hm 

lets see!

@Ocean you kidnapped?

Ocean: es !

Ricky: was that a cut off “yes” or a very convoluted attempt at saying no 

Constance: guys i think she ate the cheese 

Penny; DHDJHFJKHSJKHSJKH

WHAT DOE S CHEESE MEAN

IS THIS SYMBOLISM 

I DONT 

WHAT 

Constance: ask noel 

Ocean; NO NO ONE CNA TALKT O NOEL

NO NO
NO OOO

Mischa: what 

why 

@Ocean why 

Penny: oh very inquisitive all of a sudden 

Constance: that sounded so distressed what happened with noel 

Penny: fuck this im pming him 

Chapter Text

Gay and gayer

gay; i think ocean is boycotting you

gayer: yeah that makes sense tbh

gay: what did you do?!

gayer: u’ll see dw
five minutes

gay: ..ok
[30 seconds later]
WAIT

gayer: omg stop interrupting me im doing something important

gay: WHAT DOES CHEESE MEAN

gayer: girl go use a dictionary im busy

gay: NO
OCEANS BEING WEIRD AND CONSTANCE KEEPS SAYING THAT SHE ATE THE CHEESE
WHAT CHEESE ?!

gayer: oh shit
no she didnt eat the cheese shes being weird bc of me

gay: connie seems so worried wtf is happening

gayer: i bet
go tell the poor girl its me so she stops stressing

gay: if i do will you explain

gayer: constance might

gay: fine

Unnamed groupchat
[Penny renamed the groupchat to “Noel boycott”]

Penny: [image.88296]
noel says ocean didnt eat the cheese

Constance: oh thank GOD

Penny: now TELL
[20 seconds later]
PLEASE

Mischa: i would like to try the cheese

Constance; NO
NO NO S<ISCH SJKDHJKSHJKS
NO

MISCHA DONT DO IT 

Mischa: oh 

ok 

Penny: nobody here loves me 

Chapter Text

father marcus 🤬🤬🤬🤬

mon-EEK: congratulations (with effect)

congratulations (with effect) 

congratulations (with effect) 

congratulations (with effect) 

missing person: IS IT HAPPENING 

pacific: HHFHJDJSKKSKAK

NO 

NOEL PLEASE 

PLEASE 

STOPP

good-egg: noel! 

mon-EEK: misch!

missing person: you two? stfu 

good-egg: why did noel say congratulations four times 

mon-EEK: bc it does an effect and i need you all to be experiencing that energy rn

congratulations  (with effect)

good-egg: congratulations (with effect) 

YOOO

pumpkin spicy: congratulations (with effect) 

missing person: congratulations (with effect) 

fr: noel you do know you can do the effect without saying congratulations? 

pacific: congratulations (with effect) 

mon-EEK: don’t think i forgot bitch 

pacific: AHJDGFDjksdhfjksdgfhjdsgfhj

pumpkin spicy: noel what are you doing to her ;-;

mon-EEK: nothing!! 

well 

almost nothing 

fr: what did you do noel 

mon-EEK: just a bit of blackmail 

missing person: noel????? thats not good :/

fr: let the man engage in a bit of blackmail! for mental health 

good-egg: yes 

we support good mental health noel 

pacific: i support not-blackmailed ocean 

pls

pumpkin spicy; UR THE ONE HES BLACKMAILING ??!!

pacific: what did you think all of that keysmashing and panicking was about 

fr: idk? a bad test grade? 

mon-EEK: wait did you guys really not put that together 

i feel like its pretty obvious i was doing SOMETHING to her right 

pacific: i dont even deserve to be blackmailed 

good-egg: yes you do 

fr: jesus christ you didnt even learn what she did 

good-egg: shes ginger

fr: fair point 

missing person: well i want to see this blackmail material 

pacific; NO

mon-EEK: what makes you think im gonna release it? 

missing person: generally you dont leak the fact you have blackmail if ur not gonna leak the gd blackmail

mon-EEK: oh ok 

idrk how blackmail works 

fr: first-timer?

mon-EEK: AND UR NOT????

missing person: noel its been seven minutes. time to show

mon-EEK: ok 

pacific: NO 

SRTOP 

DJHJKD SPT
DJHJK
  

mon-EEK: [audiofile.493949]

fr: holy SHIT 

pumpkin spicy: what the fuck????

missing person; DGHGHJGHJGAHJGDHJGHJSGJSGHKS OCEAN 

pacific: :(

Chapter Text

AUDIO TRANSCRIPT: Ocean saying, very quietly, “fuck”. 

mon-EEK: sorry ocean but this had to be shared with the masses 

fr: I DIDNT KNOW SHE COULD DO THAT

is this legal

missing person: one sec calling my lawyer

pumpkin spicy: ocean i think we need to have a talk 

pacific: no we domt everything is FINE and NORMAL 

good-egg: i saved the file to my phone

exporting it rn 

fr: onto what?!?!?

good-egg: hard drive 

pacific: MISCHA 

PLEASE 

IVE ALREADY BEEN BLACKMAILED FOR IT ONCE 

fr: what are you gonna do with it?!?

pacific: YES 

THAT

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH IT 

good-egg: lmao

pacific: MISCHA

pumpkin spicy: mischa? 

good-egg: will send it to her parents in nice envelope 

pacific: oh ok 

mon-EEK: .. why is she chill all of a sudden 

pacific: my parents dont have a computer 

or a mailbox 

fr; YOU DONT HAVE A MAILBOXS>SJKHDDHJKHJK

thats the funniest shit ive ever heard whats their reasoning 

pacific: they don’t trust the snails 

mon-EEK: ?

pacific: yknow 

“snail mail” 

like the saying 

pumpkin spicy: they think its literal?! 

pacific: they do a lot of weed okay

Chapter Text

missing person: alright im back 

good-egg: where did you go 

missing person: calling my lawyer??? i told u??? 

mon-EEK: okay but what were you actually doing 

missing person: calling my fucking lawyer????? 

mon-EEK: suure 

missing person: don’t fucking play with me i was on the phone with ***** ***, my FUCKING LAWYEr

fr: lmao the name drop 

missing person: yeah??? thats their name??? 

pumpkin spicy: [image.65288] 

yall i looked it up its an actual lawyer 

fr: penny you creep why would you look up real lawyer names 

mon-EEK: if ur trying to be funny you couldve just said saul goodman or something 

pumpkin spicy: this guy lives in our area too?? 

like an hour away 

missing person: eh its closer to 45 minutes if you go on a weekday 

its only really bad during rush hour 

pacific: penny this is a weird bit to commit to

missing person: …………………..

good-egg: why many periods 

mon-EEK; are you trying to make an aesthetic chapter break 

giving “……….. ~~o.0.o.~~............”

missing person: scarily accurate 

were you on ff.net 

mon-EEK: no 

pacific: yeah he was 

mon-EEK: ocean shut up 

pacific: its called revenge :)

fr: omg 

did he post anything 

ocean please tell me he posted at least one work 

pacific: well he didnt POST anything 

but ive seen his drafts 

mon-EEK: ocean no please 

pacific: they were……… grammarily inaccurate 

fr: that was the only criticism you have huh 

pacific: yeah? 

pumpkin spicy: wait he let you see his drafts 

i tried to look last month and he literally shrieked and slapped the phone out of my hand 

good-eeg: i remember 

sounded like 

uh 

dinosaur with legs 

fr: velociraptor?

good-egg; YES

mon-EEK: how did you do that

fr: dinosaur phase 

pumpkin spicy: no ocean seriously how did you read them

also dont they delete themselves after like a year 

pacific: yeah theyre probably deleted now 

pumpkin spicy: then HOW 

pacific: oh i was his beta reader

fr: sjgfgdjskfhjdshfjksd ocean wtf

Chapter Text

[the next day] 

fr: PENNTY 

PENNY 

WHERE DID YOUGO 

WHERW ARE YOU 

pacific: “pennty”

pumpkin spicy: [image.373288] (a black screen with the word “pennty” written in impact font)

pacific: how. do you make those. SO FAST

it’s been LEERSs THAN 15 SECONDS 

pumpkin spicy: [image.46288] (a black screen with the word “leerss” written in impact font) (this time there’s a stock image of a white guy doing a thumbs up with a soulless smile next to the word)

fr: no connie she was saying “to read” in spanish 

don’t mock the girl for learning a language 

mon-EEK: psht we dont even have a spanish course 

ocean won’t learn anything not explicitly approved by the scjool board 

pacific: what. 

mon-EEK: what what? 

pacific: we have a spanish course noel

mon-EEK: lmao no we don’t 

fr: no we definitely do 

pumpkin spicy: noel 

noel don’t you have spanish

mon-EEK: how can i have spanish if the school doesn’t offer it 

pumpkin spicy: NOEL DON’t YOU HAVE SPANISH 

LIKE RIGHT NOW. 

LIKE YOU’RE IN SPANISH CLASS RIGHT NOW 

mon-EEK: NO??? 

where are you getting this 

FR: YOUR FUCKING SCHEDULE NOEL 

[image.6466] 

PERIOD 3 

SPANISH II

mon-EEK: thats not my schedule 

pacific: it has your name on it 

mon-EEK: why do you have my schedule 

pumpkin spicy: ocean has everyone’s schedules saved in a three ring binder 

including work and sleep schedules

literally have no clue how she tracks it but she does 

pacific: it’s really accurate 

btw noel you need to set your alarm 15 minutes earlier tomorrow morning 

you’ve been waking up in the middle of a sleep cycle it’s disruptive and causing grogginess 

mon-EEK: what the FUCK 

fr: i think we’ve gotten of topic 

that topic being: 

why the fuck does noel not know what class he’s in right now 

pacific: yeah noel you’re supposed to be in period 3 spanish II right now 

taught by Señor Jackson 

mon-EEK: gonna be honest 

that is definitely not the class i am in

fr: NOEL WHERE ARE YOU??????

Chapter Text

pacific: alright noel just describe your surroundings 

mon-EEK: why??

pumpkin spicy: because there is a non-zero chance you are in fact in spanish and just dont realize 

fr: actively calculating it rn

definitely not 0 tho

mon-EEK: ok so 

i am in a classroom

with a teacher 

pacific: is he male? 

mon-EEK: don’t make me assume their gender ocean you homophobe 

pacific: fine 

is he speaking spanish

mon-EEK: girl how tf am i supposed to know 

fr:… 

mon-EEK: DONT SARCASTIALLY ELIPPSES ME 

fr:…………….

mon-EEK: im going to ask the teacher 

pumpkin spicy: WAIT ASK THEM WHAT 

mon-EEK: what class this is 

pumpkin spicy: dont noel omg ;-;

pacific: noel we are in the second semester we should be WELL past this 

mon-EEK: i asked them 

fr: WHAT DID THEY SAY

pacific: noel!!!

mon-EEK: nothing 

they’re just staring at me 

pumpkin spicy: theyre judging you

mon-EEK: they look mad 

pacific: judging you so hard 

mon-EEK: you or the teacher 

pacific: BOTH OF US IM SURE

Chapter Text

fr: noel ar eyou alright 

pacific: noel i am genuinely concerned what happened 

mon-EEK: awww never thought i’d see the day 

pumpkin spicy: NOEL WHAT HAPPENED 

mon-EEK: they sent me out of class :( 

fr: why

pacific: i literally cant with this group 

i actually feel my brain deteriorating 

mon-EEK: well they were mad i was on my phone 

pumpkin spicy: why were you on your phone 

mon-EEK: I WAS ??? TEXTING YOU 

pumpkin spicy: IN FRONT OF THE TEACHER?!!?!!?!

mon-EEK: yeah???? 

fr: off and away for the day noel?? 

you were supposed to be in class put the phone down and start a-thinkin

mon-EEK: you guys are fucking hypocrites your also suposed to be in class 

pumpkin spicy: nah we in lunch 

mon-EEK: are you sitting separately 

pumpkin spicy: no why would we do that 

mon-EEK: have you communicated verbally 

fr: erm

mon-EEK: SHIT SORRY DIDNT  MEAN IT LIKE TGAT

have you communicated OUTSIDE OF THE GROUPCHAT 

fr: ERM BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS 

mon-EEK: HAVE YOU GUYS JUST BEEN SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER /WHILE/ TEXTING EACH OTHER 

fr: I NEED TO COMMUNICATE SOMEHOW??????

mon-EEK: YOU HAVE TEXT TO VOICE PROGRAMS 

AND SIGNING 

STOP BEING ANTISOCIAL IDIOTS AND TEXTING 

pacific: to be fair

mon-EEK: so this is why people are afraid for our future 

pacific: TO BE FAIR 

we started texting because we wanted to know where penny was 

pumpkin spicy: oh yeah where is penny

mon-EEK:  penny where are you 

@missing person 

pacific: im fairly certain that doesnt do anything 

mon-EEK:

@missing person 

@missing person 

@missing person 

@missing person 

@missing person 

@missing person 

@missing person 

@missing person 

fr: give up 

mon-EEK:

no 

@missing person 

@missing person 

@missing person 

good-egg: penny had early dismissal last class 

mon-EEK: MISCH

fr: HE ARRIVES 

pacific: mischa please put your phone away we’ve already had one person get busted today 

mon-EEK: NO MISCH PLEAEE YOUR MY ONLY SUPPORTER 

(that gif of the devastated emoji with its hands up gyrating) 

fr: holdup mischa how are you even texting rn 

you use a mac?? 

pumpkin spicy: there’s this thing called backpacks 

pacific: EVEN MORE REASON TO PUT IT AWAY

LAPTOPS ARE SO MUCH MORE OBVIOUS THAN PHONES 

good-egg: no! is ultra-thin

pacific: HEIGHT. 

mon-EEK: god ocean people can’t control how tall they are 

ur gonna give someone transphobia

fr: two stickers off of the sticker chart 

pacific: you can’t take stickers off they’re literally too sticky for that 

also i don’t need a sticker chart stop talking about sticker charts 

good-egg: sticker chart for what?? 

fr: no transphobia for ocean 

mon-EEK unsent a message (good-egg may still see the message on devices where the software hasn’t been updated)

mon-EEK: that one’s only for mischa 

good-egg: thank you noel 

pacific: noel please you need to stop doing that 

mon-EEK: why? 

pacific: i KNOW you guys have pms 

stop abusing mischa’s archaic technology

good-egg: is NOT archaic 

IS ULTRA THIN 

MANY STORAGE 

Chapter Text

(three hours later)

missing person: im taking yall to court !!!! 👩‍⚖️✨✨🤗 🥳☞

fr: over what lmao 

missing person: everything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law 

best stop cursing <3

fr: actually no one can prove what that acronym stood for so..

missing person: whats it stand for then?? on record 

fr: laughing 

my 

uh

missing person: yeah? 

keep going don’t be scared 

fr: antidisestablishmentarianism 

..

off

missing person: wowww… bringing politics into this huh

fr: sorry im a little occupied 

couldn’t think of a better joke 

missing person: oh i thought school was over 

i won’t keep you from your scholarly studies </3

fr: no school’s over 

we’re having an incident in the choir room 

missing person: DID IT FINALLY HAPPEN????????????

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HALLELUJAH 

LET US SING OUR PRAISES

WOOOOOOOOO

fr: no father marcus is not dead 

missing person: oh… 

fr: noel might be soon tho 

missing person: oh???

fr: video.547859929

(a slightly blurry video taken by Ricky of Ocean yelling at Noel for skipping the principal’s office visit. Ricky is obviously laughing by the way the video is shaking. At the end Constance steals the phone and zooms in on Mischa, who has a laptop open on his lap and is not-very-conspicuously taking a swig from a bottle of what seems to be vodka. Ocean does not notice. She’s preoccupied)

missing person: MISCHA 

is that alcohol

again, this is on record for court yall better be careful 

and birthdays and death days are different things so dont even try that excuse 

fr: death? 

missing person: oh i just assumed looking at noel 

fr: oh yeah he’s getting his ass kicked rn 

mans is COKED

missing person: JDGKDGHJGHJSVHDJ
HES WHAT

fr: COOKED
FUCK 

missing person: are you intentionally trying to get in troubl e

TWO references to ILLEGAL substances 

good-egg: alcohol is legal 

missing person: mischa we are in highschool 

fr: wait is coke illegal 

missing person: idk 

fr: then whats the issue 

missing person: an idk is not a no

good-egg: just google up?

missing person: im sorry i dont want to look up “is coke legal” on my PHONE that i have PARENTAL CONTROLS ON 

fr: …..

girl what parents 

good-egg: YOU ARE NOT ORPHAN?? 

pumpkin spicy: video.573737828 

(a video taken by Constance of Ocean and Noel. It seems to have turned into an impromptu therapy session. Someone is crying. Then Mischa yells “PENNY HAS PARENTS” and the entire thing falls apart. Noel cries, “WHAT THE FUCK????!?!!!!” and Ocean grimaces intensely) 

wait you have parents 

missing person: no its uh. my lawyer has the controls 

mon-EEK: penny WHAT 

missing person: can we go back to how noel thought he was in spanish but wasnt haha..

fr: that was like 7 months ago? 

missing person: this morning? 

fr: your lawyer has parental controls?? 

missing person: whats the cheese guys? 

pacific: neither of you know how to hold a conversation