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"Why'd'you have to give me a stupid name, Mum?"
"It's not stupid, it's beautiful."
"It's stupid. Nobody else is called Oisín."
"Your Uncle Oisín is."
"Uncle Oisín is about 100 years old."
"He's 15 years older than me!"
"Your point being?"
"Oisín!"
"Argh, Mum, no! Not the wooden spoon! Mum!"
—
"Why do you suddenly care about your name?"
"Because I can't find it on a bottle of Coke."
"Why would your name be on a bottle of Coke?"
"It wouldn't, because you gave me a stupid name."
"Oisín…"
"It's a thing they're doing. This summer. They've picked all the most popular names in Ireland and put them on bottles of Coke and astonishingly, there's no Oisín."
"Well that sounds like a PR stunt to part fools and their money."
"Even Barry has one."
"My point stands..."
"Everyone else at school has one."
"Oh they do, do they? Even Priya O'Rourke?"
"Her sister brought one back from England, so yes. Everyone."
"Does the Coke taste different?"
"No."
"Then why do you need your name on it?"
"Because I just do!"
—
"Oisín pet, will you come here? I bought you something."
"Ooh, a present?"
"In the bag."
"What… what is this?"
"Well, you were ever-so upset about that silly Coke thing, that you couldn't find your name, so when I saw this I thought I've got to get it for you."
"But that's not my name!"
"It's your nickname."
"Ye, when I was a baby!"
"You'll always be my baby."
"I'll tell that to the bullies shall I, when they spread this stupid baby name round the whole school. That'll stop them, they'll love that."
"Why would anyone bully you? You wanted your name on a drink bottle like everyone else, because that will make you cool though Lord knows I can't imagine how. And now you have."
"I wanted it on a Coke bottle, this isn't the same."
"Well pardon me for doing something nice for my son."
"And what even is vitamin water?"
