Chapter Text
Raindrops fell before his eyes as Taeyong viewed the outside world through the window glass. As fast as the seasons change and spring comes, a daunting feeling of numbness washed over him and swallowed him whole.
The sound of an alarm ringing. Taeyong tried to ignore it. But the still-buzzing alarm didn’t want to show mercy to his pounding headache and instead, ushered him to get up and prepare for the day.
Just another day he didn’t want to face. He didn’t want to see those faces. Either disapproving or longing looks present on the faces of those whom he once held dearly to his heart. 'I don’t want them to know.'
Once again, despite the rainy day as muddy as his mood, he washed up and packed his notebooks inside his backpack. Now, it was time to take his pills. He stared at the orange-colored pills on his palm. They didn’t make him feel good. But if they were what it took it to hide himself from prying eyes, then be it. He quickly swallowed them down dry.
He left his room and shut the door gently. As he walked past the kitchen, he was stopped on his track. “Yongie, are you leaving? I need you to buy some strawberries after school. And stop skipping breakfast, that’s why you’re so brittle and sick all the time. At least, eat this apple.” Taeyong’s grandmother reprimanded.
“I know, halmeoni. And all right, I won’t forget the strawberries.” Taeyong replied and took the apple she held out to him. He took a bite.
The walk to the campus was long and exhausting as ever. And his inner monologue helped no one. 'I wish I was as small as an atom. No one would try to get too close and know too much if that was the case.'
As he walked into the school building, no one paid him any mind. He dropped his backpack down and sat at his usual desk in the classroom. First period was literature, but the teacher was nowhere to be seen.
Kids were yelling and passing around something. Taeyong watched them and their expressions. He was once part of their friend group. What changed? Among them, Johnny Suh was the life of the party. The alpha told stories enthusiastically, drawing in the attention of onlookers with a small smile on his face. When a friend came seeking comfort, it was Johnny they would go to. If anyone in the world embodied the word solace, it would be Johnny Suh. 'I wish we were close again so that I could lean on you and cry on your shoulders'.
A burning feeling of someone watching him came over Taeyong. As he turned his head, it was none other than Nakamoto Yuta. His usual Cheshire grin is non-existent at this moment. The alpha’s knowing eyes feel away too many layers that it makes Taeyong feel naked to the world and as if all his secrets were out and open. Taeyong tore his gaze away and he could hear Yuta sigh quietly.
It was morbid. Running away from everyone. But it wasn’t their fault in any form. It was purely Taeyong’s. He pushed his friends away and the consequences of it were what he wanted in the first place, right? No one knew why his usual sweet scent didn’t waft around in the air and why he distanced himself from the world. It’s repulsing but living with it would’ve been even more unbearable.
The classroom door hinged open. Everyone stopped their conversations and looked to the direction of the door. The literature teacher who’s also the homeroom teacher has stepped in with someone tailing behind her.
“Everyone, go to your own seats. We have a new student here. Welcome him in kindly.” and she turned to look at the boy who followed her in. “Introduce yourself.”
The boy looked awkward and out-of-place but not shy. He took a breath in. “Hello, my name is Jung Jaehyun. I’m from the United States. I’m glad to be a part of this class.”
A round of applause thundered. He was good-looking and seemed approachable with his dimpled grin. The only enigma he held was that he was scentless. Jaehyun seemed to allow himself to relax and took a seat near the window. Taeyong was two desks behind him and watching everyone and everything quietly.
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The bell rang indicating the last period of the day ending. Jaehyun seemed to have paved in his presence already. He was chatting with Johnny about how they both came from the US and how similar they were in some aspects and the rest of Johnny’s friends surrounding them. The omegas in the class were gushing on about Jung Jaehyun’s attractive and cool aura among themselves in a corner.
Taeyong still wondered about why he was completely scentless. Not many decided to hide their scent and their status in this age. It was an anomaly. It was seen as deceiving. But he could have a condition, his own reasoning. It was not Taeyong’s business to dig out the truth of a technical stranger. So instead, he let out a yawn and started packing his belongings. As he left the classroom, he saw Jaehyun’s handsome smile with one last glance.
To live as a nobody had its pros and cons. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but no one bothered him at school due to his previous reputation. Taeyong, Johnny, Yuta, Taeil and Jungwoo used to be inseparable. But since that day in his 2nd year of high school, he couldn’t bear to see anyone’s face. He wanted to dig a hole so deep it met the earth’s crumbs and spend his last days there. He felt like digging out his scent glands and have no reminders of how he was an omega, a shame. It’s been a year but resorting to suppressing himself despite the effects of the medicine, choosing to cut ties with everyone in spite of his old friends being there in the same class and finally constantly hating himself to the point where he couldn’t even feel the slightest of ounce of pity for himself led him to being one that of a desolated and barren soul. Taeyong’s brain was always busy with thoughts that torment him and lead to actions that torment the people around him. 'Oh, how I wish I could disappear.'
His feet have brought him to the market. Subconsciously, he still knew to buy the strawberries his grandma had told him to bring.
It was easy to buy them, no small talk required with the kind vendor who Taeyong came to know over the years, the vendor took one look at Taeyong and knew whether or not to ask about his day.
As he walked around looking at booths in case he came across anything necessary, there was a face in the crowd too familiar to be one that of a stranger’s, Taeyong felt a tension build up in his throat. 'I don’t know him, he’s no one. But a “no-one” is not supposed to be this familiar.' Taeyong is full-on shaking at this point. The stranger has disappeared into the sea of people. But the man’s amused smirk was still fresh on his mind.
Clenching the fist holding the bag the strawberries are in tight, Taeyong took a moment to straighten his composure and dashes home. Metal clinking, hands shaky, he opened the front door. Quickly putting away the strawberries before halmeoni appears, Taeyong made a run to his door.
It was confusing. What the man he met today made him feel was unnerving. He didn’t fully recognize anything; memories of that night were blurry to him. He was ashamed and disgusted of himself. Recalling and telling anyone about it was the last thing he wanted to do on earth then. Perhaps that man was the one who he stumbled upon that night.' That man is innocent. You’re the whore here.'
He was sickened by himself. He wanted to wash away everything in the drains and let it go. But why were the thorns still so present and blunt to touch? He wanted to stop hating himself for it, but he is truly and utterly revolting.
Staggering into the bathroom, he stared at the mirror and met eyes with a pair, one that of a ghost’s. His cheeks were sunken in, eyes lacking lividness, Taeyong realized he had become a stranger to himself even. Tearing his gaze away from the reflective surface, he looked at the shampoo bottles hiding away his razor.
When he couldn’t carry on the burden, when he couldn’t understand his emotions and the flashback, it was his best friend. He reached his hand out and his fingertips met the cold metal. He sat down on the cold tiles. He was so close to hyperventilating just five minutes ago but now that he had his hands on an item so deadly and blissful, he felt at ease. His body knew when to expect the sharp pain as it cut through the outer layers of his flesh and drew blood. It hurt. However, it was effective at stopping his train of thoughts before it became too self-deprecating. He decided to lie down on the floor. The tiles carrying away the warmth from his skin and bringing a chill so deep that it touched his bones.
Exhaustion lulled him to sleep, and sweet promises of a dream called out to him. He fell asleep with the blood still dribbling down his arm, but he couldn’t care a single bit. He chose to become one with the void at least for a moment during his slumber.
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