Chapter Text
“Commander Erwin is married?”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
Mikasa delivered a swift swat to the back of Eren’s head, causing him to nearly choke on his rations. Sitting around the wooden table, the group quickly dismissed his complaints, a chorus of playful snickers and jabs drowning him out. After a long day of adrenaline-filled work, the members of the 104th readily accepted any entertainment, no matter how low-hanging.
“He wears a ring on his finger. How could you not notice?” Jean scoffed, pausing with his mug halfway to his lips. His brows furrowed in judgment as he leaned with his elbows on the table. “With your level of observational skill, I wouldn’t be surprised if you got chomped off your horse the moment you stepped outside the wall.” Eren followed suit, leaning forward and circumventing Mikasa’s presence entirely to shoot a pointed glare at Jean. Jean sipped his beverage, pretending not to notice.
“Oh, shut up ,” Eren gritted through clenched teeth and an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “Why would I be looking at Commander Erwin’s hands in the first place—” Sasha nodded a few times into her bread.
“Yeah! I always just look at his ass!” Sasha’s admission made any words die on Jean’s lips, his face contorting from self-assured condescension to acutely horrified confusion. Connie let out a bombastic cackle as the table turned their attention to Sasha. She quirked a brow as she stuffed more food into her mouth. “What? Good looking man, good looking ass….”
“That’s a married man you’re talking about, Sasha!” Connie scolded, his tone laced with a comical bite.
“ If he’s even married!” She jabbed her pointer finger out in front of her, gesturing wildly to her group of friends. She shrugged, finally swallowing her mouthful of food as she stroked her chin. Sasha cast her eyes downward in thought. “We don’t know that for sure….”
“Like hell we do!” Jean sputtered, finally pulling himself together. He glanced around at the others in hopes that someone else would be on his side. “He is . He literally wears a wedding ring .” He waved his palms in circles in front of himself, growing frantic as no one appeared to back him.
“That doesn’t mean he’s married .” Connie mirrored Sasha, the two taking greater joy in their posing than the conversation itself. Jean threw up his hands, letting his palms slap against his lap.
“What the hell else could it mean? What else could wearing a ring on his ring finger mean?” He locked eyes with Armin, who quickly tore his gaze away. Apparently, it was a tough recruitment day for the Coalition of Reason.
“Well… It’s just that…” Eren trailed off. Jean’s eyes shot up at him, almost daring him to side with Sasha and Connie’s comically stupid reasoning. Eren quirked the side of his lips almost indifferently. “He just doesn’t seem like the type for that kinda thing, you know?” Connie shook his head, tearing the crust off his bread as he did so.
“I disagree; Commander Handsome is hot.”
“No, no, now you’re talking about two different things,” Reiner interjected, apparently having reached the threshold to have skin in the debate about Erwin’s marital status. His arms coiled across his chest as he sat up a bit straighter. “Someone can be hot and not be married or vice-versa. I rest my case.” He nodded to himself confidently.
“He’s literally wearing a wedding ring!” Jean exclaimed with exasperation, accenting each of his words as he pounded his fist on the table. No one seemed to notice.
“It would have to be someone who isn’t in the military,” Ymir told Christa. The pair were having a separate conversation near the end of the table. Reiner leaned forward to catch Ymir’s eye. She narrowed her gaze before he even spoke.
“Why d’ya think that?”
Ymir rolled her eyes, shifting in her seat to face the rest of the table. She rested one elbow on the table and the other on her bent knee.
“You know that the only kind of person stupid enough to marry Erwin Smith would be a civilian who doesn’t know about all the fucked up shit that goes on around here.” Ymir cocked her head, her bangs sliding across her forehead. She played with the rim of her empty cup. “Besides, can’t you see that smarmy bastard with a little homemaker to rub his shoulders when he gets home?” The lines around Reiner’s nose wrinkled as a smile broke out across his lips.
“Hey, what’s wrong with that?”
“Guys, you’re all missing what’s right in front of you.” Eren crossed his ankles under the table. He brought his fist down into the open palm of his opposite hand. “Commander Erwin is clearly married to the Survey Corps .”
“I guess your options would be limited if you’re going into the scouts,” Armin considered aloud, eyes as haunting as usual. A few glances were shared across the table, and with the mention of senseless murder, the conversation quickly moved along.
***
Jean would almost forget the debate completely by the next day. Whether or not the Scout’s commander had a spouse or not ultimately didn’t hold much weight to Jean in the grand scheme of things.
He rapped on the large wooden door to your office, only waiting a moment to hear your muffled permission before letting himself in. You stood by the window, still looking out the glass when Jean took his first step in. You turned to him with a smile.
“Ah, Jean! It’s good to see you. How have you been?”
Jean’s shoulders relaxed at the sound of your voice. He hadn’t even realized how tense they had been. Between expeditions, responsibilities among the Scouts comprised mostly of administrative work and training, the administrative part being more significant than Jean expected. Being a new recruit meant he would spend his fair share of days as a gopher for clerical work. But out of all the offices he could have been sent to, the errand runners in the scouts fought over visiting your office the most.
“Things are going as well as they can,” Jean sighed, the sides of his lips curling up into a boyish half-smile. You let out a puff of amused air, shaking your head as you motioned for him to come farther into your spacious office. You didn’t even feel like an officer most of the time, let alone a captain.
“You talk like a Scout already,” you chuckled, “Come have tea and show me what you’ve brought me.”
Jean pushed the door behind him as he entered the room, the latch bolt not quite catching in the strike, leaving the door slightly ajar. He sat in one of the chairs in front of your desk, shifting the legs across the modest carpet as you poured two cups of tea. The tea set sat on a metal cart to the left of your desk. Jean tossed the bundle of files he brought on a wooden rack, dwarfing the other papers that required your review.
You handed Jean a dainty, rose-patterned teacup on an equally delicate saucer. The intricate design complimented the similar pattern on your uniform insignia, or at least Jean had always thought so. He held the cup up to his lips and welcomed the sweet flavor. You always knew how to make a good cup of tea. A large enough salary to afford a modest sugar supply didn’t hurt either.
“Well, I’ll be damned,” you mused, grabbing the stack that Jean had just put in your paper basket with one hand. The papers must have amounted to three inches in thickness at least. You let them fall in the space in front of you, causing an audible slap on the desk’s surface. The liquid in your teacup trembled. You locked eyes with Jean, amused. “I can only imagine what’s been going on in your neck of the woods to require this much… debriefing.” You thumbed through the file pages, unwrapping rubber bands when warranted. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Erwin was trying to get rid of me with all… this . He thinks he’s being cheeky.”
That should have been Jean’s first clue, but his eyes and attention wandered around your office. Frankly, a new recruit remaining in the room while a superior officer reviewed documentation wasn’t common. But with recent internal shifts in the military, you often asked your errand-runners to stay due to the high volume of administrative mistakes. You found it easier to ask a soldier sitting in front of you to return with a needed but missing document rather than putting a formal request in and waiting. Jean didn’t mind the break, and you knew as much.
His attention settled on a wardrobe to his right. Above the three polished wooden drawers sat a pair of glass doors. Jean peered in, studying the display inside. On one side of the wardrobe hung a crisp Scout cloak. Its presentation made it appear like it hadn’t been used in years. The other side of the glass display was lined with three shelves. A horizontal picture frame sat on the second of the three. Jean leaned forward to get a better look.
“Captain.” You looked up at the sound of his voice. He turned to meet your gaze. “You were in the Scouts?” You hummed with a nod of your head, crossing your legs underneath your desk. Your other hand held your place within the stacks of pages. Jean stood slowly, placing his cup and saucer down as he approached the wardrobe curiously. He looked back at you. “May I?” You gave him a nod.
“I was in the Scouts from your age to maybe around four years or so ago.” You shrugged as you continued to review your generous stack of paperwork. Jean tugged open the glass doors, which gave him the slightest bit of resistance. He picked up the picture.
Sure enough, he found you among the cadets in the middle of the group. You looked younger, almost unrecognizable, but something about your face made Jean immediately know it was you. The few familiar faces almost made him chuckle. Hanji hadn’t aged a day. And right beside you stood Erwin.
Jean closed the wardrobe, returning to his chair as he studied the picture. He slouched against the back cushion.
“Not a lot of people in that photo are here today.” You stared at the back of the frame. Something struck Jean about the quiet sorrow in your eyes. “I try to keep all of them close.”
A light knock sounded at your doorway. With the entrance already ajar, a Garrison cadet stood at the door of your office. She let out a surprised hum upon seeing your company.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, Captain. You have a delivery.” You motioned for the cadet to enter with a knowing smile. The flowers in the vase she carried covered half her face, and as she set them down at the corner of your desk, they covered half of Jean’s too. “From your husband.” You thanked her, and the cadet saw herself out, closing the door behind her.
“Sorry, Jean,” you said sheepishly, sliding the vase across your desk to reveal your guest. “I’ll get you out of here soon.” He shook his head, fingers tracing the edge of the picture frame.
“I’m fine where I am. Take your time.”
You offered him a content nod as you continued your work. Jean continued to stare at the flowers that were just brought in. The ornate bouquet of mixed wildflowers was arranged neatly in a modest glass vase. A red ribbon wrapped neatly around the neck, tied into a crisp bow. A little cardholder jutted out from among the petals clutching a small note.
His attention flickered to your wedding ring.
“I didn’t know you were married,” Jean said, more wondering aloud as he recalled the cadet’s last words. It wasn’t exactly true. He had seen your wedding ring the many times he came to deliver papers to you. Jean supposed he had never thought too much about your marital status, just as his friends said about Erwin the night before. Perhaps last night’s conversation sat too prevalently in his mind.
“When you’re in this line of work, you have to live while you can.” You shut the large collection of files with a thump. You looked at Jean with a sentiment he had never seen before. “Find what makes you feel warm and never let it go until death. At least that’s what I think.” You leaned over the file with a sigh, face suddenly turning exasperated. “It looks like everything is here. Thank you for bringing the monster over.”
“No problem,” Jean nodded. He returned the frame to your desk as he stood. He offered you a salute, and with your dismissal, he was on his way.
You plucked the note from the bouquet as he made his way across the room, taking a second to read it.
“Cheeky…” you smiled with a shake of your head.
Jean glanced back at you just as he closed your office door, wondering if he saw the initials “ES” on the back of your note.
***
It was the night before an expedition when you proposed it.
Practically the entire regiment stayed up late after one of you raided a locked-off Military Police closet for booze. Even for the Scouts, morale had been lower than usual. That was probably why Erwin agreed to your little scheme in the first place. You had a way of relating to the squads in a way that was uniquely your own. And while Erwin could give the calm command of a natural leader, only you could organize a night of carefree games and stories as doom and uncertainty loomed over everyone.
As sleeping bodies lay strewn out across the room, you met Erwin’s blue eyes with a tired sigh. You caught the semblance of a snicker as he leaned back against the stone wall. He shifted on the random cushion you and your squad collected from around headquarters. If Erwin didn’t know any better, he would have thought it was a pew cushion from a church. He shook his head, the corners of his lips causing dimples to appear on his cheeks. You glanced down at Hange, who had fallen asleep in your lap, and back to Erwin with a shrug. Their usual hair tie wrapped around your wrist as you ran your fingers through their hair. The fourth squad leader curled up on a dining table somewhere in the room.
“That was a good thing you did here,” Erwin said, sipping his drink. He had started feeling a rare buzz from the alcohol a while ago, even as carefully as he nursed his drink. Hange kept pouring him more throughout the night despite gentle declines.
“Thank you, but I mean, all I did was rob a storage closet.” You let out a gentle laugh. Erwin’s attention remained on you even as you looked off. The fireplace flicker between the two of you cast a warm glow onto your face. “Actually, you’re the one who broke the lock, so I didn’t really do anything.” You met eyes with him again. He held you in the stark, baby-blue of his irises. Intimate and wordless. Erwin cocked his head to the side in a silent challenge. You let out a snicker with a playful roll of your eyes, and he smiled behind the rim of his mug.
“I think everyone really enjoyed themselves.” Erwin glanced out into the dark room of sleeping soldiers, each sprawled across your random, borrowed cushions with their cloaks draped over them. Empty bottles of alcohol lay strewn across the floor.
“Did you?” you asked softly, slowly running your fingers through Hange’s hair. Erwin rolled his cup between his palms, shifting his legs to bend at the knee as he sat back.
“Yes, I did.” He gave a single nod. He rolled his cup again before coming to hold it by the handle. “It hasn’t been easy to keep everyone’s hopes up. You’re far better at it than me, that’s for sure.” You hesitated.
“I’m glad you had a good time,” you said, downing about half of what remained in your cup. The alcohol made you feel warm and light in the head. But even so, thoughts of the next day’s expedition haunted you. You felt the same about the previous failed missions that everyone else felt, but as a Squad Leader, you pushed yourself to put on a brave face. “I’m glad I could give everyone a little peace of mind before we leave tomorrow. It’s about all I feel I can do.” Erwin frowned.
“Don’t discount yourself.”
“I’m not,” you answered too quickly. The hall's silence took up the space between the two of you. The crackle of the fire popped softly as Erwin studied you closely. He tilted his head as you bowed yours. You braided a random portion of Hange’s hair. “It’s just the truth. If anyone’s going to give them real hope, it’ll be the one making a difference out there. You’re the one the commander keeps in his back pocket.”
“I don’t connect with the soldiers like this.” Something about his tone made you glance up. Erwin’s face grew serious, not quite angry or upset, but grave. His gaze pierced your spirit, and you hummed complacently. “You know that. I know you do.”
“If anything, all this was for me.” you sighed and shook your head. You took another sip of your drink before returning to your little, random braids. You let out another deep sigh. “They say exactly what I’m trying not to think. And what are you supposed to say?... It fucks with me. Especially when they’re kids.”
“I know.”
You moved on to another section of Hange’s head, the movements of your fingers growing faster.
“It’s hard not to get attached. I want them all to be okay, and I just know they won’t all be okay .”
“I know.”
As you finished your second braid, you reached for your drink. Without a second thought, you downed the rest of it. The burn of the ethanol had long gone away.
“Have you ever thought about marriage and kids and shit?” you mused, perhaps a bit too loud. Erwin’s thick eyebrows shot up, startled but amused by your sudden outburst. Your words echoed through the room, but no one stirred. They stayed suspended in the thick atmosphere as the emotions in your chest darted across your heart. Erwin leaned forward with his elbows on his bent knee, his cup still gripped in one hand.
“Have I ever thought about marriage and kids and shit ?” He repeated, the undertone of a laugh lacing his voice. It almost sounded crass coming from him, and hearing your words over again made you suddenly self-conscious.
“I, uh, I mean—”
“Yeah, I have,” Erwin answered, much to your surprise. He also downed the rest of his beverage, placing his mug on the wooden floor. “With a woman, I knew in my cadet years.”
Your heart flipped in your chest, caught off guard by Erwin’s sudden vulnerability. The feeling seared like a spear driven straight through you. You knew, logically, that Erwin had to have had a romantic interest in others in the past. Not that it mattered to you in the slightest. Besides, what stake did you have to your fellow Squad Leader? Surely, it was the alcohol.
“Oh,” was about all you could answer. You scrambled to find some other commentary to share that didn’t make it sound like you were too personally invested in Erwin’s romantic affairs. You continued to fidget in an attempt to avoid Erwin’s gaze. A bit of drool poured from Hange’s mouth onto your thigh. Unfortunately, you were not very convincing.
“She’s long been married to my good friend. They’re expecting a second child.” Erwin shrugged. You weren’t sure if the new information made you feel better or worse.
“I’m sorry,” you offered, unsure what else to say. Erwin shifted on his cushion in your peripheral, his back audibly cracking as he did. The noise made you snort.
“No need to be sorry. It’s in the past.”
“Is it?” You observed the orange light that illuminated his strong features. His jaw locked with Erwin’s usual certainty as he nodded. Still, you knew him well enough to pick up the slightest hint of hesitation. “I mean, what happened?” you asked, the alcohol doing away with your filter. Erwin let out a deep sigh, attention somewhat wandering as he debated whether he wanted to say.
“She wanted a family.” He almost sounded resigned with a hint of indifference mixed into his tone. He shook his head as if giving in to a fight he had had many times before. You wondered whose face came to his mind.
“And… you didn’t?” You pushed, your brow raising as you repositioned yourself. Hange’s head had become heavy, but they didn’t notice as you assumed another sitting position.
“It’s not that I didn’t,” Erwin said in a tone resembling playful defensiveness. You glanced up at him briefly, curiosity pushing you to keep digging at him. Erwin stared upward in thought before another slow shake of his head. “You know very well the significance of our role here.”
“And yours is?” He met your eye, and his face scrunched into confusion— something not seen often on Erwin Smith’s face. It was small. It was the slightest crease in his brow and the soft purse of his lip as he tilted his head to the side.
“And mine is what?”
“Your role ? What’s the endgame?” You snorted, finding yourself melted into the conversation. The focus wasn’t on you. Between your liquid courage and your fatigue, you let your intrigue guide you. “What’s so important that you’ve sworn off love or whatever—” You gestured dramatically with your hands.
“Okay, I never said I swore off love.” He waved you off as if to physically dismiss the thought from the conversation. Erwin leaned forward to rest his elbow on the knee of one of his crossed legs. He rested his cheek in his hand, officially invested. “You make me sound like a jaded old man.”
“Aren’t you?” Your retort was quick. Erwin’s lip curled in a mock pout. He balled up his cloak, and you shielded yourself with your arm as it hit your cheek. The fabric smelled like him. “Hey!” You laughed, catching the bundle with one hand as you gestured to Hange. Erwin held his hands up in defeat and a playfully exaggerated eye roll.
You unfurled the cloak. It took a second to orient it correctly before draping it over your shoulders. Erwin’s cloak was slightly longer than yours. You covered Hange’s torso with it as they continued to sleep soundly. Hange could sleep through an earthquake.
When you turned back to Erwin, he was already staring, a softness in his eyes. You took a quick look behind you, and upon seeing nothing, you turned back to him again.
“So what is it? What’s your role?” You pushed again. Erwin snickered to himself, a silent puff of air escaping his nose, allowing his head to bow as he recovered.
“To carry out my duties,” he answered, almost unsure. He held himself like you had never seen before. Never had you seen Erwin so relaxed, raw, and playful. You shot back a similar look he had given you earlier in the night: one of skepticism and challenge. Erwin took in a deep breath. “I want to understand what humanity has never understood before. I need to witness truth for myself, I suppose.” He scrunched his forehead, part of him unsure if his words were as diplomatic as he liked.
“And you can’t do that with a family?”
“Well, you were the one who just said stuff about kids and feeling guilty. You said it fucks with you if we’re using your words.” Erwin sat back against the wall, arms crossed over his broad chest. He stretched his long legs out in front of him.
“Who said a family means children?” You mirrored him, leaning back on your palms. Hange remained curled on your lap. Erwin bobbed his head from side to side in consideration.
“You’re right on that point,” he conceded. “Ideally—” You groaned.
“All or nothing is so like you. ” You rolled your eyes as you nestled deeper into Erwin’s cloak. He gaped for a second, not knowing how to respond to your casually spoken criticism.
He sputtered. It was cute.
“I feel like I should take offense to that.” He blinked, taken aback.
“You’re depriving yourself of happiness you know you want because you think there are only two options? Please. Just date someone in the military. Another truth-seeker, if you will.” You let your head lull to the left, resting on your own shoulder as you stared out into the dark room. Two soldiers sat slumped over each other a few feet away. They sat with their cloaks draped over one another, illuminated by the fire. “You know, I heard Owens and Murray have a marriage pact. The two of them say if they get through tomorrow’s expedition alive, they’re going to go straight to the courthouse to get married.”
You almost zoned out, lost in the dim outline of the Wings of Freedom. Perhaps you were getting tired after all. With any luck, you could get at least some sleep in before the expedition.
“Was that a proposal?” You snapped back to reality. Erwin stared as you blinked a few times, lips pursed together mischievously as he held back an amused smile. His leather shoulder straps had fallen the slightest bit off his shoulders.
“What? Of course not!” A warm heat spread under your skin. “I was just telling you something I heard.”
“Well, you were the one telling me to date my comrades and form a marriage pact. I just assumed you were insinuating that you meant with you .” You stammered in disbelief, watching Erwin struggle to hold back his Cheshire grin. “That’s what it sounded like.” His brows rose on his forehead, painting his face with self-assurance akin to cockiness.
“You! In your dreams!” You searched your immediate vicinity for something to throw at him. Finding nothing, you took Hange’s hair tie off your wrist and shot it at Erwin with unmatched speed and dexterity. He dodged it, ducking off to the side as it hit the wall behind him. “You’re full of yourself!” Hange hardly stirred. “I wasn’t suggesting anything . In fact, I was thinking of asking Fletcher.” You crossed your arms with a severe pout.
“Fletcher,” Erwin repeated, the name forming in his mouth like a foreign object. Erwin shook his head in disbelief, blinking his eyes a few times as he did. He stuck out a hand towards you in a forward-slicing motion. “Who puts his ODM gear on backward half the time.”
“Which means he gets it right the other half,” you quickly retorted. Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose.
“You could do so much better,” he groaned. He ran a hand through his neat, blond hair.
“Fletcher is a perfectly suitable partner, thank you very much.” You glanced off into the dark room, lowering your voice. “I was thinking about it, and I… you know, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea. You have to take a chance and live a little.” Erwin rubbed his chin, still in disbelief. He yawned.
“I still think you could do better.”
“Well, it’s like you said; it’s not like you have a lot of options when you join the Scouts,” you huffed. Sure, your companion from your cadet years wasn’t the brightest, but at least you were trying to pursue a life while you still could. “If I gamble with heartbreak and lose, I can at least know I achieved something.” Erwin scoffed.
“A gamble, huh?” He rolled his head from shoulder to shoulder, another tense crack popping from his bones. He stretched his arm to the side. Before you could say a word, he let out a concentrated breath. “Okay.” Erwin shrugged, resuming his earlier position leaning against the wall. Even as he closed his eyes, you didn’t like the smug look on his face.
“Okay… what?” You asked suspiciously.
“I’ll throw my hat into the ring.” He shrugged again, and you nearly threw your hands up in defeat.
“What ring?” You nearly exclaimed.
Erwin’s eyes fluttered open. You stared into them with a frown. The fire had since grown smaller, darkening the already dim room. His irises shone brightly, even in the waning glow of the fire. You watched each other in silence and with bated breath. He leaned forward.
“I’d say, if we make it out of the next three expeditions alive, we marry each other.”
His proposition hit you like a frying pan over the head.
Your gaped, your mouth opening before closing again. You stumbled over what to say, the semblance of words tripping incoherently out of your mouth until you found it in you to ask a single question,
“Why three?” Erwin actually chuckled at that one. Sheepishness and acute embarrassment burned harder in your cheeks. Considering how long you had known each other, you had no idea what made you so nervous.
“We can gamble and make it five if you’d like.” Erwin crossed one arm over his chest and held his chin with the opposite hand. An excitement, a certain mischief, continued to blaze in his expression.
“You do like a good gamble,” you noticed with hesitancy. You glanced at Owens and Murray, who still slept curled against one another. You eyed Erwin out of your peripheral. “I like three, though,” you mused. “And if you die, I marry Fletcher.” He hummed.
“I don’t think I’m going to die, though. I don’t think you will either.”
“Yeah… I don’t think so either.”