Chapter Text
Smash Bros Odyssey Book 2 Melee
Chapter 1: The Breakfast
Bzzt, bzzt
This wasn’t the first time Falco Lombardi had woken up to a hangover. Despite his throbbing headache, he riffled through his jacket pocket, popping a store-brand chewable hangover cure from a seedy Cornerian drug store into his mouth. He briefly searched his memories for the name of the store he’d bought them from, but nothing came to mind. He’d had them loose in their plastic packaging in his pocket for months now.
Now, Falco could address that Creator-forsaken buzzing.
A text message had been left on the garish red watch he was made to wear, its hologram shining bright.
Good morning Smashers,
Apologies for the short notice, but I’ve made some Hylian treats for our first breakfast as a team. I would like you to be present at 700 sharp, but leftovers will be available for the late sleepers in our ranks. Either way, do enjoy!
Your’s truly,
Princess Peach
Falco sat up, taking space of his surroundings for the first time. He had passed out on one of the lobby couches. The digital clock on the communicator read 700 and the noise from breakfast already filtered from the kitchen.
“MMM!” groaned Mario’s nemesis, Bowser, “Why don’t you ever cook like this for me when you’re over?”
“Because I am often there under duress Bowser,” Peach muttered.
An indignant snort from Mewtwo led to some snickers but was largely ignored. That was when Falco rounded the corner into the dining room.
“Ah! Mister Lombardi!” squealed Peach, “Please take a plate, and forgive my transgressions against Hylian cooking. I improvised as best I could out of a cookbook.”
“If it’s Hylian, why ain’t Princess Zelda cookin’ it?” Falco asked, taking a plate.
“I…um…cannot cook,” meekly admitted Zelda from the long table.
“You royal types are somethin’ else,” Falco rolled his eyes, scanning for an open seat. His eyes widened as he saw a certain blue-haired prince.
“You,” Falco pointed a wing at the head of the table, “You owe me for the freakin’ hangover you gave me.”
“Apologies Mister Lombardi,” Marth said with an impish smile.
“Geez laweeze, what’s with this Mister Lombardi crap? That was my old man. Call me Falco.”
Marth’s eyes went wide as he nodded, “Once again, apologize Mister…erm… Falco I’ve drank with many sailors and many strongmen. My tolerance has been forged by socialization with my allies. As much as I enjoy that aspect of my work, the alcohol abuse is much to my chagrin.”
“You still needed a hangover pill from me,” Doctor Mario chuckled, not looking up from his newspaper.
“By the Goddess,” Marth shivered, “I thought it would never go down, no matter how much water you provided.”
“Amateur hour shit,” Falco declared, pounding the table.
The royals at the table murmured about Falco’s table manners, but it didn’t matter. What brought Lombardi the smug delight was Doctor Mario’s equally smug raised eyebrows.
“Beg pardon?” said the doctor.
“We’ve had chewable hangover cures since before the Cornerian Pirate War.”
“Mind providing one?” said Doctor Mario, “I’d like to put it under the microscope.”
Falco removed the entire plastic sleeve from his jacket pocket, tossing it to Doctor Mario.
“The extras are free Doc,” Falco winked.
Doctor Mario smirked, putting the sleeve into his coat pocket “I’ll be sure to write you a Christmas card.”
Falco’s eyes widened, “You guys have Christmas?”
“What is this Christmas?” Link demanded.
“A fat bearded man comes down the chimney of all the good little boys and girls and gives presents,” Mario explained.
Young Link giggled, “It’s like what you and I do with pots, right Link?”
Link rubbed his chin in thought, “I suppose it is. If the role of this Christmas Man needs to be filled here, I will fill it.”
Peach clapped her hands with glee, “Wonderful, we already have common ground!”
“So say you,” sneered Ganondorf.
Despite Ganondorf’s sour response, and the chuckles it got out of Bowser and Mewtwo, Peach’s delighted expression didn’t waver, “Even the sourpusses among us will eventually take part.”
Ness nodded, “The holiday spirit is all-encompassing, like Giygas.”
“The death god you fought, right?” Captain Falcon smirked.
Exclamations of shock echoed around the breakfast table. Satisfied with the grenade he’d thrown into the room, he chuckled, “Gets ‘em every time.”
As the contingent of Smashers began to chatter amongst one another, Falco leaned in close to Falcon, who had just begun to eat again.
“Ey Cap, you seen my boy around?”
The F-Zero racer’s cheeks puffed suddenly, uneasily swallowing the big bite of fish he had just shoveled into his mouth.
“You mean Fox? Training as per usual.” Falcon said matter-of-factly.
Falco narrowed his eyes, “Listen, somethin’ happened on you guys’ trip to the Milky Way, and he ain’t tellin’ me and Slippy nothin’. The old man seems like he knows something and he ain’t sayin’ nothin’ either.”
“Some team you have,” chuckled Captain Falcon.
“Listen, what I put up with for loyalty is between me and the Creator. Answer my question.”
“We found his father,”
Falco’s eyes widened, “The F-Zero racer James McCloud is our James McCloud?”
“Yeah. I found out when I was serving a warrant to the Galaxy Dogs years ago, that he faked his death to avoid the loan on The Great Fox. It was only after I saw Fox fight that I was comfortable approaching him about it.”
“What?” Falco laughed, “The Milky Way that bad these days?”
The Captain nodded somberly, “Worse.”
Falco nodded, turning to his food, just as he brought the fork up to his mouth, a PA system flared to life.
“Attention all,” boomed the voice of Master Hand, “I hope you all are enjoying your breakfast. We have a meeting in 30 minutes in the dining room with required attendance. Crazy Hand and I will be seeing you then.”
The occupants of the dining room mumbled amongst themselves, the loudest belonging to Mister Game and Watch.
“What say you old man?” sneered Ganondorf, “Did they send smoke signals in your day?”
“So sassy, for a lazy 8-bit character,” snapped Game and Watch, “Meetings are unnecessary. You all need to learn how to do your jobs independently. Young employees these days need to learn how to sink or swim.”
Grumbles and laughter echoed around the dining room. Falco rolled his eyes, quickly finishing the rest of his food and heading to the stage rooms.
Battlefield stage room
The discovery that the Fighting Wire Frames were so weak that the activation of his Reflector was enough to knock them away had allowed Fox McCloud’s mind to wander.
I found your father.
Captain Falcon had meant well, but he considered those words accursed. He’d been roped into backing up Falcon in a bounty, the rescue of a newborn heiress that had been held for ransom. The Galaxy Dogs had intercepted, and his world had shattered.
It was all part of the plan.
That fiasco was a year ago, and that still made his temples throb. His father had smoothly stated that he had believed in Fox, and was confident that dying to leave him with the debt was the best possible solution.
He went numb with anger, his lapse in movement was enough for the Wire Frame to dogpile him. His damage climbed higher and higher, the Wire Frames eventually grabbing him and booting him off stage.
GAME!
Fox grumbled angrily as he sat in the dark room, the only light coming from the Healing Plant’s green aura. Through all the mental fog, he’d been able to keep track of the number of opponents KOed. Thirty Wire Frames.
Like the run before, and the run before that, and the one before that Fox groaned inwardly.
In a flash, he stood in a blank room, the darkness of Battlefield replaced with white walls. Just as he registered this, he heard a knock at the blast door.
“Yo Fox, we got a briefing in half an hour.”
“I hear ya Falco,” Fox said.
Immediately, he regretted how the words came out. Falco and The Captain didn’t deserve the petulant annoyance in his voice. This was between him and his father, and he knew it.
The door flew open. Falco stood in its wake, arms crossed.
“Look, Cap told me what happened in The Milky Way. I know it ain’t good, but you can’t ice me out like this, not here.”
Fox nodded somberly, “I know Falco, I haven’t been the best captain.”
“I know you ain’t been, but we gotta work on that if Star Fox is gonna stick together.”
Again, Fox nodded, “We do.”
“We’ll figure it out when things settle down around here. For now, though, wanna hit up a few rounds of The Violence or Versus Xevious?
“Sounds good,” Fox said, “Nothing like video games to clear your head.”
“Damn straight padnah,” agreed Falco.
Half an hour later
Samus Aran was among the last to trudge into the dining room for the meeting. Not even the promise of food that wasn’t in freeze-dried form could lure her from her room. Sitting down in one of the last seats, she sighed.
“Oh come now,” chided the person next to her, Roy, “It’s just a briefing. Surely you’ve sat through a few in your time.”
“Yes,” Samus affirmed, the deep voice from her modulator causing Roy to tense briefly, “But I typically work alone.”
“Oh,” was the only response Roy could muster.
Just before the silence set in, Master Hand appeared in the room with a snapping sound, followed shortly by Crazy Hand.
“Listen up maggots,” shrieked Crazy Hand, “While me and my bro are whipping up the bracket, you guys get to practice.”
Murmurs took hold of the dining room once again.
“Yes,” Master Hand added, “While our veterans may be used to Physics Day, it is now Physics Week. You will all be organized into teams. Over the next five days, five of you will be randomly selected to spar, and the others will watch. This is to mold us into a better unit for…”
“The hell is this unit shit about?” blurted Bowser, “All I heard was that we’d be getting prize money if we won your tourney.”
“Well Mister Bowser,” Master Hand said, snideness dripping out of every word, “I did say we were a peacekeeping organization, and thus we should be able to act as a unit should we all need to neutralize a threat together.”
“I don’t need it,” snapped Bowser, “This brawn is all na-tur-al baby, sculpted by decades of being the most powerful Koopa in the land, BWAHAHAHA!”
“Served you real good when Smithy and his cronies showed up-a,” Mario muttered.
“Shut up mustache! I’m goin’ back to bed! I need my beauty sleep!” Bowser roared.
Giggles erupted from the younger Smasher as Bowser stomped out of the dining room, his meaty footsteps still audible as he trudged up the grand staircase.
“Well, we were going to have more than four competitors on stage again, but this works as well. Over the next six days, four of you be selected to spar.”
“DAY ONE!” Crazy bellowed
With a snap of his fingers, four names appeared in cartoonish puffs of smoke
Ice Climbers, Mario, Peach, Pichu
“Oh my,” Peach shuddered.
“I take it you’ve never sparred with your partner?” Nana smugly asked.
“Certainly we have gotten physical at parties, but this….”
Ignoring a shocked, “WHAT” from Falco, Pichu chirped, “Will be fun!”
“Yeh,” Popo agreed, “It’s fun to spar with your gal.”
“Yeh,” Nana nodded.
Peach’s worried face gave way to a warm grin, “Judging by your line of work, I suspect you have many ways of working in tandem, sparring amongst them. I will trust your judgment.”
“Yeah!” Pichu shouted, “Whatever she said!”
“DAY TWO” came Crazy Hand’s decree.
With a snap of his fingers, four more names appeared
Luigi, Young Link, Kirby, Captain Falcon
Luigi immediately fumbled for a cigarette, shakily lighting it, “Oh Mama Mia,”
“Can you do something about that?” Master Hand demanded, pointing at Doctor Mario, “It’s making the Mansion smell like a dive bar,”
Doctor Mario nodded, “We have a nicotine cure, yes. We can administer it immediately after the meeting.”
Master Hand loosened, sighing, “Thank you.”
“DAY 3” boomed Crazy Hand
Donkey Kong, Falco, Samus, Roy
‘Sweet!” Falco said, rubbing his wings together, “Get to dance with the walking army himself.”
“Goddess have mercy,” Roy fretted.
Marth shot his compatriot a sympathetic grin, “If you can unify Bern, you can do this.”
“Aye,” Roy nodded, his voice firm.
“DAY FOUR!”
Ganondorf, Mewtwo, Ness, Doctor Mario
“Well shoot,” Doctor Mario sighed as Crazy Hand’s snap revealed his name, “Looks like I’ll be getting more than exercise in this thing.”
Mewtwo chuckled evilly, “I can test my physical prowess against the doctor, and my psychic power against the boy, Perfect.”
“Look, if we let you guys banter all day long, we’ll be here all day long,” Crazy Hand barked, “DAY FIVE!”
Zelda, Fox, Mister Game and Watch, Yoshi.
“As if I didn’t have to put up with enough 8-bit nonsense,” Mister Game and Watch snarled, “I have to fight a 16-bit character. Mode 7 won’t save you now whippersnapper.”
“Sure, whatever,” Fox groaned to the giggles of their other two opponents.
“And the sixth training day will be for those that remain, which means Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Marth, and Link,” Master Hand explained. “I would hope your calendars will be open after the sixth day of training because that is also the day Smash City will open.”
“Been meaning to ask you about that boss,” Captain Falcon raised his hand, “There’s a reason why The Milky Way, Andromeda, and The Lylat System have such restricted travel between one another.”
“And only Kanto and Johto will be represented correct?” Mewtwo added, “Trade is quite strict there as well, mostly wrought by decades of war.”
“Think of it as a social experiment, that’s all I’ll say on the matter. Now, you are dismissed.”
“Byyyyyyye” crowed Crazy Hand.
With a snap of their fingers, The Hands disappeared.
“So…what does everyone plan to do with the rest of their day?” Peach asked.
“Whole lotta nothin’” Falco declared.
The kid smashers echoed his sentiments, each trotting downstairs, eager to play in the arcade.
“I suppose a lazy day would do the heart good,” Peach mused, “I best get to it then. Mario, come.”
Mario immediately brightened, “Yes ma’am!”
Peach and Mario headed up the stairs.
“I’d better go supervise the boy and the rest of the children.” Pikachu sighed, slowly scampering after the kid Smashers.
“You’re with me Luigi, we’ve got to get the nicotine cure in you.”
“Yes Doctor Mario,” meekly agreed Luigi.
With that, the two remaining mustachioed fighters headed in the same direction as the kids did.
“Cookbook time?” Yoshi asked Kirby.
Kirby, who had been asleep for the entire meeting, snapped awake.
“Poyo!” he nodded.
The two charged away. Jigglypuff sighed and followed them to the next room.
As I sit here and think about it,” Link thought allowed, “We’ve never sparred Princess. I’ve always wanted to see what your Shiekah training allows you to do.”
“In contrast,” Marth added, “I’ve always wanted to safely spar with a magic user. Where I come from, one accidental overapplication of a magic spell means death.”
Zelda smirked, “It appears my skills are a highly sought-after commodity.”
She feigned thought on the subject. Samus sighed and stomped up the stairs, much like Bowser had earlier.
“I accept!” Zelda jokingly declared.
“Clearly this is something you’ve been pining after Sir Link, so we will let you have that opportunity.”
Zelda suddenly turned to Mewtwo, “What about you? Do you want to join us Mewtwo?”
Mewtwo’s brow furrowed, “No. As the most powerful Pokemon in Kanto, I don’t need to do such a thing.”
Game and Watch trudged across the kitchen, popping a hard candy into his mouth, “Arrogant,” was all he had to say as he too retreated to the Residency Hall.
“What about you Sir McCloud, Sir Kong?”
Donkey Kong flashed a toothy smile, “I was thinking of training with the old spaceman here. You up for it bushy tail?”
“You’re on,” was Fox’s only reply.
With that, the ape and fox charged to the sublevels.
Chuckling to themselves, the newly formed Fire Emblem and Hyrule alliance followed the eager rivals to the sublevels. This left only Ganondorf and Captain Falcon.
“You will train me in the use of your Falcon moves,” Ganondorf ordered.
Captain Falcon slowly got up from the dining room table, retrieving a beer from the fridge, “Look, sir, not a lot of people can…”
“You’ve simply manifested low-level fire magic. It is useful for these circumstances, as low level as it might be.”
“Can’t fault that,” Falcon shrugged mid-swig of beer, “I’ve got time.”
Ganondorf grinned, “Excellent, then we shall follow the other fools to the sublevels.”
As Ganondorf stood up, dramatically furling his cape, striding towards the sublevels, Falco stayed behind.
“Note to self, do not introduce that man to Black Shadow,” Falcon muttered, charging to catch up to the striding Gerudo.