Chapter Text
Samatoki sat on the bed, elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasping the bridge of his nose. Sasara was in the bathroom, coughing and hacking up his lungs, as well as lunch. It was getting bad.
It started off as just a couple flashes of headaches and nausea, nothing too out of the ordinary. But it had been almost two weeks and he was just getting worse. There was a moment every now and then where he’d perk up like nothing was wrong, and they’d forget about the nausea. It never lasted long, though. They should go to a hospital, but they’d never gone for major wounds, so it was iffy to try to go now.
They hadn’t really talked about it at all. Samatoki just did his best to make what Sasara wanted and wash his clothes. It was all he could do while Sasara was so miserable.
He heard the front door click open, and got up.
Nemu was just putting her school stuff down when she met Samatoki’s eyes. “How is he?”
Samatoki shuffled over to the table and plopped down in a chair, shaking his head.
“Damn.” Nemu sighed, coming over to sit next to him.
“I wish I could do more.” Samatoki folded his arms in front of him. “We don’t even know what’s wrong.”
“You could go to the hospital…” Nemu urged.
“We should go to the hospital.” He responded with a sigh.
Nemu thought for a moment. “…You could try to take tests from home. Might help find what’s wrong.”
“What do you mean?” Samatoki asked.
“Well…” She looked away. “There’s an obvious one that you could easily test for….”
“What?”
Nemu rolled her eyes. “When was the last time you two…” she swallowed, “…Y’know…”
It clicked what she was getting at. Samatoki’s scoffed. “That’s impossible.”
“It’s not impossible, Samatoki.” She looked at him. “I’d rather be safe than sorry if I were you.”
“He couldn’t be.” He blew her off. “We’re safe.”
-
As much as he wanted to blow it off, what Nemu said stuck with him. There was a small part of his brain that really hoped it was just food poisoning or organ failure… there was no way in hell. But then again, if he truly thought that, why was he walking into a drug store to get a test? The thought was so obscene, it could have been one of Sasara’s bad jokes. There was just no way. This wasn’t something they would have to deal with. It’s just what Nemu said, rather be safe than sorry. They would just make sure he isn’t so they didn’t have to worry.
He came home to Sasara on the bed, lying on his stomach with a pillow plastered onto his face. He was probably trying to sleep off the pain. He was thin, probably from not being able to keep anything down.
Samatoki quietly walked over and put a hand on his back. “Hey.” He rubbed his back in soft circles, trying to ease him awake.
Sasara shifted with a small moan, proving he was awake, but took at least 10 seconds to decide to roll over onto his back. The pillow he had lodged in his face he repositioned to hold on his chest to meet Samatoki’s eyes. “Hi.” He croaked.
Samatoki swallowed hard. He gave the plastic drug store bag to Sasara. “Thought maybe it’s about time.”
Sasara looked up at him with a look of confusion, before scooting up to sit against the headrest of the bed. He opened the bag and saw what was inside. His breath caught. “What the hell…” He looked up at Samatoki. “But we’re safe-”
“I know.” Samatoki sat down on the side of the bed, looking at the ground beneath his feet. “But… it’d be good to rule it out,” he looked back at Sasara. He looked so sickly, so unsure. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to think about what would happen if the test came back positive. “Yeah?”
Sasara sighed. “Yeah, alright.” He got up and walked to the bathroom. “I gotta piss anyways.”
Samatoki scoffed with a smile. It’ll be fine.
He sat outside the bathroom, waiting for an answer. One minute was a lifetime, three was forever. Once he could get his foot to stop bouncing… Sasara screamed.
Fuck.
Samatoki ran into the bathroom, seeing Sasara shaking, hand clamped over his mouth, staring wide-eyed at the stick on the vanity.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. This can’t be happening.
He glanced down at it, the two red lines slapping him in the face.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Shit. He didn’t know what to do. Sasara was equally as shocked, frozen in place but shaking. Should he try to comfort Sasara? Should he touch him? Or give him space? His mind went absolutely blank, no clue what to do.
Sasara coughed and tears formed in his eyes. He ran to Samatoki and collapsed into his chest. Samatoki couldn’t move. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from that test. The possibility seemed so far…
When Samatoki didn’t move, Sasara jumped back. “Samatoki?” He cried.
Samatoki didn’t answer. He couldn’t. This wasn’t happening. He couldn’t move.
“Samatoki?” Sasara tried again.
He couldn’t move.
“Samatoki, say something.” Sasara stood in front of him, shaking looking for some kind, any kind of comfort.
He couldn't move.
Sasara collapsed, knees buckling, and cried on the floor. Samatoki shook his head. He still couldn’t move.
He took a step forward, and then a step back. He backed out of the bathroom and then out of his room. He shut the door behind him, sliding down and sitting on the ground.
He couldn’t understand what was happening. Why or how his whole world just flipped on his head. Memories of his childhood - horrible memories of his childhood - came flooding through his head.
The fights. The violence.
He didn’t want that. He never wanted that. Not for him, not for his family, not for anyone.
Nemu chose that moment to walk through the front door, home from school. She made eye contact with Samatoki and head Sasara, before running over with a worried look.
“Samatoki, what happened?” She sounded a bit frantic, unsure what was going on.
He couldn’t answer her.
“Samatoki.” She said again, firmer this time. She put a hand on his knee. “Look at me.”
He managed to bring his head up to meet her eyes.
“What happened?”
Samatoki could hear Sasara’s cries clear as day. She must have too. He couldn’t shy away from what he did. He looked down, but Nemu stopped him.
“No, look at me.”
He reluctantly looked back up. She sat there, able to ignore Sasara and waited for an answer. “...Safe or sorry?” His voice was barely above a whisper.
“What’re you-“ and then it clicked. “You- he’s- Oh my God.”
“The fuck have I done…” Samatoki spat out, still a whisper. “I fucking ruined us… the hell am I gonna do-” He couldn’t breathe. His vision was starting to swim.
“Samatoki, calm down.” Nemu said. She put her hands on the side of Samatoki’s face, forcing him to look at her. “You’re panicking.”
“No I’m not.” Samatoki gasped. He was breathing heavily.
“Samatoki.” Nemu sighed, keeping eye contact.
Samatoki was silent. He couldn’t look at her.
“Dammit, you’re insufferable when you’re like this!” She groaned. “Do you hear him!? Do you hear him crying your name!?” She stood up. “If that was me you’d be there in a second!”
Samatoki shook his head. “I can’t…”
“Oh, you can’t!?” Her voice cracked. “Do you not remember!?”
Samatoki looked up, confused. Remember what?
“It was these kinds of fits that our father did. That tore apart our family. Do you want that!?”
Samatoki stood up. “Never compare me to him!” He yelled. “I am nothing like that shit ball- He never gave a shit about any of us!”
“He ran away from any pain he caused, and his temper made that worse. You really don’t see any of that in yourself!?” She defiantly looked up at him, sure of her point.
“No-” Samatoki shot, not in denial of what she said, but in shock that she would say it.
“You’re scared of it! You’re terrified to face the consequences of your actions!” She threw her hands up. “You’re a damn child with these things, you know that!?”
“I’m a child!?” He scoffed. “I practically raised you, Nemu! You wouldn’t be here without me!”
“Father said the same exact thing!” She screamed. She was clenching her fists so hard her knuckles turned white, trying to not raise them. “You’re just like him! You think you’re all high-and-mighty until you have to deal with an actual problem!”
“Stop fucking comparing us!” He slammed his fist on the wall behind him, damaging the plaster. “I fucking care! I do everything I can for you! Both of you! He added quickly.
“And what are you doing now!?” She yelled back. “I don’t see you caring, I see you hiding!”
Samatoki opened his mouth to respond, but a noise stopped him. Or rather, the lack of one.
…Sasara had gone silent.
Not a single breath could be heard from the other side of the door.
Samatoki met Nemu’s eyes, and bolted into the room. He threw open the door so hard it shook the wall. He sprinted into the bathroom. Sasara was on the ground, in a ball, tears streaking his face, but he was okay. Thank god .
He sunk to his knees.
Sasara had his hands over his mouth, his eyes wide, shaking all over. Fuck, he was going into a panic attack. Samatoki reached over, and gently touched his back.
Sasara whimpered something so quiet, samatoki couldn’t hear it at all.
“What?” He leaned in close so he could barely hear Sasara.
“Don’t fight- please don’t fight- please-“ He was mumbling it over and over. The room was dead silent outside of Sasara’s whispers, making them seem that much louder.
“Sasara-“ Samatoki silently cursed himself. He wasn’t the only one with shit in his past. He pulled Sasara into a hug, that of which Sasara melted into.
“Please don’t fight- pleas-“
“Sasara, we’re not fighting.” They both knew it wasn’t true, but pretending otherwise seemed better in this moment. He pulled Sasara into him as much as he physically could, basically squeezing the breath out of him.
Sasara gasped, but wrapped his arms around Samatoki’s shoulders and buried his nose in his chest, letting himself be pulled onto Samatoki’s lap.
Neither of them moved for a long time. Nemu had stepped away. Sasara slowly calmed down and Samatoki held him close.
“Are you gonna leave me?” Sasara asked in a small voice.
“What?” Samatoki was shocked at the question.
“Are you gonna leave?” Sasara asked again more forcefully. “Please, I’m scared.” His voice cracked. “Are you gonna leave me?”
“No, Sasara.” Samatoki pressed into him. The thought never even crossed his mind. “I’m not gonna leave.” He was ashamed that Sasara would even think that of him. “I- I’m fucking scared too- but-“ he took another breath, “I’ll never leave. I’ll always be there.” He moved his head to face Sasara to make eye contact. “No matter what.”
Sasara sighed, leaning into Samatoki so their foreheads rested together.