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Cheng Xiaoshi can be selfish sometimes. He’ll gladly take more than his fair share of snacks from the fridge, even if Qiao Ling berates him for it shortly afterwards. He’ll hog the ball during basketball scrimmages to ensure his team pulls ahead. He will go out of his way to try and save his clients, no matter what Lu Guang says. But really, who can blame him? His life is one of tragedy, one of conflicting morals and painful goodbyes. The essence of happiness, of true safety and comfort, had evaded him for so long. Too long.
But the little life he’d carved out, one in the Time Photo Studio with Qiao Ling and Lu Guang, was one he was finally happy with. For once, he felt loved, truly and fully. He was content, at long last, with the hand he’d been dealt.
But when the surgeon exits the operating room, eyes turned downward, Cheng Xiaoshi’s entire life crashes down once again.
The funeral is a blur. He didn’t want to give a speech, but Qiao Ling insisted. Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes never leave the scrawled paper filled to the brim with Lu Guang anecdotes and attributes, but no words can encapsulate the storm of pain that rages on inside him. He barely registers his last goodbyes, the drive to the cemetery, the lowering of the casket. He can’t. It simply doesn’t feel real.
Neither Cheng Xiaoshi nor Qiao Ling dare say a word as they return back to the studio, the sun slowly setting on an exhausting day. As soon as Qiao Ling opens the door, Cheng Xiaoshi pushes past her and rushes up the stairs, not even bothering to hit the lights or take his shoes off. During his grief-induced numbness, a thought had popped into his head. He races into his room, the one he shares shared with Lu Guang. Immediately he gets down on his knees, peeking under his desk, uttering a silent prayer as he searches for the key to escape his sorrow.
Maybe…just maybe…this goodbye isn’t permanent.
“Cheng Xiaoshi,” Qiao Ling calls out to him, peeking inside. “What are you doing?”
“That photo album,” he grumbles under his breath, yanking open a drawer. “From when we first met Lu Guang. We took pictures. I know we did. I have some in my phone, too, but we have some physical prints somewhere. Lu Guang printed them himself. He made sure of it.”
“Cheng Xiaoshi…”
“I know there’s that graduation picture…and I'm sure we took others…” He stands up and starts pacing around, looking for something, anything, that can link him back to his dead friend. He vaguely recalled a special folder containing pictures of their trip abroad, and a box that housed all the negatives they’d kept over the years. Could he even jump into negatives? Lu Guang never let him experiment with that. Oh, and those pictures from a few years back when–
“He’s gone,” Qiao Ling mumbles, cutting off his train of thought. “He’s gone.”
“Not to me!” Cheng Xiaoshi whips around to glower at her. She cowers at the volume, but he continues, “He’s not gone until we’ve run out of pictures of him. As long as we still have the pictures…then…”
She steps forward, fidgeting with the hem of her black blazer. “Isn’t it too soon to go back?” Qiao Ling tries to reason.
“I don’t care.” His words taste bitter in his mouth. “I need to see him again. Even just this once.” Cheng Xiaoshi looks up, eyes brimming with determination. “I can’t…I can’t let my last memory of him be in that casket.”
She bites back a sob, crossing her arms over herself. “It’s not fair that you get to see him again,” she spits out, casting her gaze downwards.
The vitriol in her voice causes Cheng Xiaoshi to pause. He takes a shuddering breath before turning away. “I’m sorry,” is all he manages to say.
She shakes her head and turns away. “I’ll be in the living room. I know you haven’t eaten anything. I’ll order takeout.”
And with that, Qiao Ling slips out the door, a silent defeat riding on the way her hands grip the door frame as she leaves. As if she wanted to beg for him to stay but couldn’t find the energy to.
When the sound of her footsteps fades to silence, Cheng Xiaoshi goes back to digging through his photos. As desperate as he is, he finds it in himself to only pick out a few pictures. Once he dives into these photos, the opportunity will close itself forever. He has to make these count.
Cheng Xiaoshi can be selfish. He knows this. And as he claps his own hand and feels his body zip through time, he prays Lu Guang and Qiao Ling can find it in themselves to forgive him, just this once.
He blinks, hard, and finds himself dressed in graduation robes, his right hand angled up to take a selfie. Cheng Xiaoshi thanks his past self for having the foresight to snap a picture. “Lu Guang…” he whines, vaguely remembering the conversation they’d shared in that moment, “you didn’t smile! I’ll take it again.”
Lu Guang gives him a slight shove. “I’m good,” he mumbles in a very Lu Guang way.
Cheng Xiaoshi, miraculously, remembers everything about this day. The way they rushed out of the graduation ceremony as soon as possible. All the pictures they took that day. The way he had tried to push back and take another picture with Lu Guang only to get shoved even harder. The restaurant they went to after much bickering between them. Cheng Xiaoshi practically remembers it count for count.
But seeing Lu Guang in the flesh, with all the color and vigor in his face and body, leaves Cheng Xiaoshi as close to speechless as he’s ever been. All he can do is stare at Lu Guang, adorned in his robes, adorned in life , as if he’d never have a chance to witness him again.
Lu Guang tilts his head. “Are you okay?” he asks, drifting his gaze towards Qiao Ling and Xu Shanshan, who were chatting about future plans.
“Y…Yeah, I’m fine. We’re free! Aren’t you happy?” He smiles as widely as possible and hopes Lu Guang doesn’t notice the miniscule tremble in his voice. “Um, you wanted to get hotpot, right? We should go!”
“Huh? How’d you know?”
Shit, Cheng Xiaoshi mentally smacks himself. It had taken at least fifteen minutes to narrow down what restaurant they were wanting to go to. Curse him for remembering that Lu Guang’s suggestion won out in the end. “Uh… lucky guess? Come on, I’m starving!”
He grabs Lu Guang’s hand, burning the feeling into his memory as he drags him over to Qiao Ling. Perhaps if he holds on long enough, Cheng Xiaoshi can forget just how cold Lu Guang’s hand was mere hours ago in his final goodbyes. He shuts his eyes tight for a millisecond, willing away tears.
A horrid thought passes through his mind. I’ll never get this moment back again.
An even more horrid one. I’ll never get new moments with Lu Guang ever again.
A tug at his sleeve catches his attention. Cheng Xiaoshi’s gaze falls onto Lu Guang.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” His normally stoic tone has the slightest edge of concern.
“Yeah. Just so happy to be done, I’m near tears!” Cheng Xiaoshi fans his eyes dramatically. “You ready to go?” he asks Qiao Ling.
“Yup! Bye Dong Yi! Bye Xu Shanshan! I’ll see you two later. Take care of each other!” Qiao Ling waves and bounds up to the boys. “Cheng Xiaoshi, why did you change your mind? I thought you wanted to get noodles?”
He shakes his head. “I changed my mind. Lu Guang wants hotpot.”
“Since when do you do anything I want to do?” Lu Guang drawls, rolling his eyes.
Really, Cheng Xiaoshi should have brushed it off right then and there. He should’ve rolled with the punches and said something witty, something that would make Qiao Ling laugh and Lu Guang groan. But he stands, stock-still, and mutters, “I’ll do what you want to do. Whenever you want.”
He realizes the error of his ways as soon as the words leave his lips.
Lu Guang raises an eyebrow. “Sure. I’ll hold you to that,” he says, almost sarcastically. He walks ahead with Qiao Ling and begins chatting with her about what to order. Cheng Xiaoshi simply sighs, smacks his cheek a couple times to focus, and hurries after them.
Cheng Xiaoshi manages to get through the rest of the night without many hiccups. He cracks jokes at the correct time, makes sure to annoy Lu Guang a respectable amount, and eats more than his fill of delicious food. His mind is hazy from the steam of hotpot and the emotional juxtaposition of seeing Lu Guang both dead and very much alive in the span of a few hours, but he’s determined to keep himself alert.
“Lu Guang, are you moving back in with your family?” Qiao Ling asks, stirring her drink.
“That’s the plan for now. I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
“Move in with me,” Cheng Xiaoshi blurts out, right on time.
Both Lu Guang and Qiao Ling snap their heads his way. “What?” Qiao Ling sputters.
Cheng Xiaoshi leans forward, an excited gleam in his eyes. “I’m moving into the photo studio. The main bedroom has a bunk bed. I don’t mind sharing.”
Lu Guang hesitates, a piece of meat falling back into the soup pot with a plop. “I’ll think about it," he finally says. He's looking at Cheng Xiaoshi with a curious expression, considering what life may be like right by his side.
Cheng Xiaoshi smiles. “Think about it! I would love to have you as a roommate.”
This time, Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t need to force his enthusiasm. He means it as much now as he did in the past.
When he excuses himself to “head to the bathroom” and claps himself back into the present, the smell of hotpot lingers in his nostrils. As he changes out of his funeral attire he shuts his eyes tight, not wanting to see the remnants of reality that still remain on him. And as Cheng Xiaoshi pulls the covers over himself, he feels a forbidden spark of hope. That Lu Guang isn’t dead to him, and that he will continue to exist in the past. And that…possibly…
Death is an important node.
Past or present, just let it be.
Cheng Xiaoshi turns to his side and shuts his eyes. Even post-mortem, Lu Guang’s scruples still manage to worm their way into his mind. He sighs and falls into a restless sleep, dreams dotted with flashes of blue, of white, of black, of red. He calls out to Lu Guang, because Lu Guang knows everything, he can guide him through the storm, surely, but his cries fall on deaf ears and Cheng Xiaoshi drowns in the raging sea.
When he next wakes, the sun hangs low on the horizon. Lazily Cheng Xiaoshi picks up his phone and scrolls through his camera roll, creating a new folder of potentially dive-able pictures. If only Lu Guang were around to do the dirty work for him. Now, Cheng Xiaoshi only has his fickle memory to work from.
Lu Guang had been adamant about not letting Cheng Xiaoshi abuse his powers. They’re only to be used for jobs and practical purposes. Sure, Cheng Xiaoshi bent and broke the rules every now and then, but somehow Lu Guang always managed to reign him back in.
But Lu Guang is no longer around. And as Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes glow gold and he claps his hands together, the anchor that held him down snaps.
—-
It’s almost routine for Cheng Xiaoshi now. Wake up, get ready, research and investigate, fill orders in between, come back home, dive into a Lu Guang photo, go to sleep. The investigation into the killer has slowed to a painstaking crawl, but Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t care. Not at this point. He goes through the motions well enough, but when he truly feels alive is in the 12 hours he allows himself to the past– he truly feels alive with Lu Guang at his side.
He knows it's a desperate attempt at happiness. But seeing Lu Guang in the flesh softens the bitter taste of his absence. It's not foolproof, though. He nearly slips up on a dive that takes him back to a beach trip the three of them took the year prior. Cheng Xiaoshi had proudly buried Lu Guang in the sand and snapped a picture to immortalize such a feat.
“Are you happy with yourself?” Lu Guang deadpans, rolling his eyes.
Cheng Xiaoshi laughs, tilting his head to take in such a silly sight. “Yeah,” he says, voice softer than he intended. His gaze flickers over Lu Guang, buried up to the chin in sand, looking unimpressed at best and annoyed at worst, and he can’t help but smile sadly. I miss this, he thinks to himself solemnly. I miss you.
“Are you okay?” Lu Guang snaps him back to his stolen reality.
He blinks, shaking his head to get his mind straight. “Yeah!” Cheng Xiaoshi lies, piling on more sand. “Are you? Got enough air?”
“You seem distracted,” Lu Guang says, dodging the stray bits of sand that come his way.
Oh no, not at all, dearest Lu Guang! I’m just mourning your death by visiting the past! No biggie! “Don’t worry about it!” Cheng Xiaoshi replies smoothly. Lu Guang drops the matter, and the rest of the memory runs exactly as it should. He goes to bed with a smile on his face, Lu Guang’s disgruntled expression of being buried in the sand on his mind as he drifts off.
It’s almost enough to ease the pain completely. Almost. The emotional whiplash between a life with and without Lu Guang leaves Cheng Xiaoshi clinging onto whatever scraps of memory that remain and abandoning most everything else. Unfortunately, that also means Qiao Ling.
“Cheng Xiaoshi,” she suddenly pipes up one day as they head back to the photo studio from the police department, “do you want to go watch a movie with me later? We can go to the theater, or we can stream something. Either or. Oh, and let’s get boba, too!”
He finds himself shaking his head before she’s even finished talking. “I have work to do,” he says, his gaze falling to the cracks in the pavement.
Qiao Ling pouts. “You finished the last of the orders earlier. We should do something fun to take our minds off of things. Come on! I’ve been wanting to do a movie binge for ages!”
“It’s important. ”
She darts ahead and turns around with a start. “You’re diving again, aren’t you?” It’s less a question and more an accusation, and she glares at him with her hands on her hips.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart drops to his stomach. “What about it?” he tries to spit out.
“Cheng Xiaoshi,” Qiao Ling starts, her eyes wavering slightly, “we should…do other things, maybe. Lu Guang wouldn’t want us moping around all the time. Even he liked movie nights once in a while.”
He tries to walk past her. “It doesn’t feel right without him,” he grumbles.
She steps in his way. “Please,” she says, and finally Cheng Xiaoshi raises his eyes to meet her defiant ones. “I rarely see you outside of the investigation. And I…I don’t want to deal with this alone.” She looks down at her trembling hands, the hands that stole Lu Guang away from them.
Cheng Xiaoshi pauses.
“You can’t keep doing this.” Qiao Ling clenches her hands into fists. “I can’t lose you, too.”
Had the dives really pushed him so far from the present? Cheng Xiaoshi sighs. “We can watch something,” he says reluctantly, “But only if you let me visit him.”
“Visiting” sounds much better than “diving,” he thinks. It makes Lu Guang seem more alive.
“You can’t keep doing this,” she whispers again, shaking her head. “Cheng Xiaoshi–”
“I need to.” The words come out harsher than he intends. His eyes burn deadly holes into the top of her head. “I need to.”
She must’ve heard the desperation in his voice. Qiao Ling’s expression wavers as she wrestles with the options presented before her. “Fine,” she finally concedes, crossing her arms over her chest. “We’ll start after you come back.”
Cheng Xiaoshi reaches out a hand and places it on her shoulder. “Thank you,” he says, meeting her gaze.
Qiao Ling sighs. “I get to pick the movie though. And the food we’re ordering! No complaining.”
He allows himself a small smile. When was the last time he smiled in the present? “Fine with me.”
They make the rest of the walk in relative silence. When they get to the studio, Qiao Ling unlocks the door. “Cheng Xiaoshi,” she says suddenly, “do you know which photo you’re diving into?”
He shakes his head. “Haven’t decided yet.”
Qiao Ling sets down her things and picks up a stray mug that had been left on the coffee table. Cheng Xiaoshi immediately recognizes it as Lu Guang’s mug, still untouched, still partially filled with coffee.
“Do me a favor.”
Cheng Xiaoshi raises a brow. “What is it?”
Qiao Ling stares down at the coffee mug, swirling it around slightly. “Can you make sure he’s happy?” she asks, her voice small.
His gaze softens. Qiao Ling was and is hurting, just as he is. It’s the least he can do. “I’ll try.”
“Good.” She straightens up and carries the mug over to the sink. Her gaze wanders from the mug to the sink and back again. Qiao Ling places the mug on the countertop, perhaps not ready to part with what remains of Lu Guang’s touch. “Be back soon, okay?” she calls out to Cheng Xiaoshi, not turning to face him. “I don’t want to order food and have it go cold.”
“Yes, landlady,” Cheng Xiaoshi quips, heading up to his room. He thinks he hears a chuckle from Qiao Ling, though he can’t be certain. No matter. He takes a seat at Lu Guang’s desk and pulls out his phone, ready to begin the dive. He scrolls through the photos he’d saved and leafs through the prints he’d set aside before landing on one. He pulls up the final photo in his phone’s designated “Lu Guang Dive” album– a picture of two bowls of noodles that he had made on a whim. The date reads as one week before the stabbing.
Am I ready for this? Cheng Xiaoshi takes a deep breath. Yes, he is, he decides. He stares at the photo intently, memorizing each pixel and grain, before clapping his hands together.
He blinks, quickly adjusting to his surroundings. He’s in the kitchen of the photo studio, two bowls of noodles in front of him. “Lu Guang!” Cheng Xiaoshi says, lowering the camera. “Go on, try it!”
Redoing this day should be easy enough. It’s the most recent out of the photos he’s dived into. Cheng Xiaoshi knows what happens next. Lu Guang will try the food. He’ll ponder it for a moment. He’ll say it’s “not bad” but then proceed to scrape the bowl clean. Lu Guang will then sit on the couch and read a book while Cheng Xiaoshi boots up a video game.
It’s nothing particularly special, but Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t need special. He just needs Lu Guang, living and breathing.
Cheng Xiaoshi picks up his spoon giddily and dips it into the broth. “Hmm…let’s see…” He holds up a spoonful and eyes the man across the table. “I made sure to add lots of seasoning!” he grins.
But Lu Guang isn’t tentatively tasting the soup. In fact, his utensils still lay flat against the table. Instead he’s staring straight at Cheng Xiaoshi with that piercing gaze of his, dark eyes studying every movement Cheng Xiaoshi makes.
Cheng Xiaoshi blinks. “Go on, try it!” he tries again. He takes a sip of his own, grinning once the flavor hits his tongue.
Lu Guang leans forwards slightly, utensils forgotten. He sets his elbows on the table and folds his hands together. “Cheng Xiaoshi.”
“Hmm?” Cheng Xiaoshi pouts. “Lu Guang, do you really think I’m that bad of a cook?”
An uncomfortable beat of silence passes as Lu Guang stares him down. Cheng Xiaoshi nearly wilts under his gaze. Something is wrong, very wrong. This isn’t what’s supposed to happen.
Eat the damn soup, Lu Guang, Cheng Xiaoshi thinks to himself.
“What are you doing here?” Lu Guang asks bluntly.
Oh no.
Cheng Xiaoshi gawks at the question. “What do you mean? Did you forget I live here?”
Lu Guang only intensifies his gaze. “We came up with nothing during the investigation today. And we didn’t do anything important. There’s no reason for you to be here.”
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. “What are you talking about?” Cheng Xiaoshi says in a cool tone, eating another spoonful.
“Cheng Xiaoshi, I’m not stupid. You just dove into that photo you took, didn’t you?”
Curse him for thinking he could get anything past Lu Guang. Still, he can try. “What makes you think that?” Cheng Xiaoshi asks, feigning ignorance. He looks down and stirs his spoon, watching the noodles swirl in the broth.
“Why are you here?” Lu Guang asks, his tone firmer. He knits his brows together. “We haven’t done anything today that warrants a dive. Am I guiding you on the other end?”
The question stuns Cheng Xiaoshi, and his spoon slips out of his fingers with a clatter. He watches it slowly sink into the soup, not wanting to look directly at Lu Guang. “No,” he finally says, his voice nothing more than a whisper. “How did you know?”
“That’s besides the point. You said you’re here alone. Why?”
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Cheng Xiaoshi just wanted to eat noodles and hang out with Lu Guang. Of course he was going to figure out that something was up. Of course Cheng Xiaoshi was going to get careless about his dives, just like Lu Guang had always warned him.
Cheng Xiaoshi bites his lip and casts his gaze off to the side, to the plants on their windowsill that are still very much alive. In Lu Guang’s absence, neither Cheng Xiaoshi nor Qiao Ling had the heart to maintain them. How much of himself did he lose with Lu Guang?
“Lu Guang…” Cheng Xiaoshi starts, still not making eye contact, but Lu Guang had other plans in mind.
“Something happened in the future, didn’t it?”
Tears immediately spring to Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes, but he’s determined to will them away. He’s cried enough over the weeks since Lu Guang’s passing.
“What happened?” Lu Guang’s voice is as demanding as ever, but a hint of worry manages to worm itself into his tone.
Finally, finally, Cheng Xiaoshi meets his gaze. He can vaguely make out the concern etched into Lu Guang’s expression. “I thought I wasn’t allowed to tell you that sort of thing,” he tries to joke, but it comes out in a pathetic sort of way.
Lu Guang blinks, not expecting that response. “You’re clearly here for a reason,” he says after a moment. “And most of the rules are set in place for other people. We know our business.”
“So when it comes to the two of us, we’re allowed to break the rules?”
“Within reason. Tell me why you’re here.”
That forbidden spark of hope threatens to catch fire again, gnawing away at the embers of Cheng Xiaoshi’s grief. If the two of us are allowed to break the rules…just the two of us…then…then…
“Something…something happened. And we’re still trying to fix it.”
“You’re not telling me what it is, Cheng Xiaoshi. Does it have to do with the investigation?”
Please don’t make me spell it out, he begs internally. Please.
“Kind of.” Not the truth, but not a lie, either.
“Cheng Xiaoshi. What’s going on?” Lu Guang’s gaze weighs heavily on Cheng Xiaoshi’s fragile heart, trying to scour every inch of it to find answers. “If you need help from me, I can’t help you unless I know what the problem is.”
He can’t take it anymore. Cheng Xiaoshi’s talking to a dying man and that dying man deserves to know.
A tear manages to slip down his cheek. “Lu Guang,” he finally cracks, his voice wobbling slightly, “you said that…death is an important node, right?”
“Of course.”
“And it can’t be changed, ever?”
Lu Guang pauses, trying to read Cheng Xiaoshi’s expression. “It shouldn’t,” he replies, one eyebrow slowly raising.
Cheng Xiaoshi watches solemnly as Lu Guang realizes what’s happening. “Can we make an exception?” Cheng Xiaoshi pleads under his breath. “Just this once?”
On any given day, Cheng Xiaoshi deems Lu Guang a bit of a tough nut to crack. Even after being friends for so long, Lu Guang’s expressions can be hard to decipher. But now, sitting across the table from him as he delivers such horrid news, Cheng Xiaoshi can read him loud and clear. Pure terror bleeds from Lu Guang’s eyes as he tries to make sense of the news.
Cheng Xiaoshi draws a shuddery breath. “Don’t make me say it. Just tell me if we can make an exception.”
He’s met with silence, and then a minuscule shake of the head. “I don’t think we can do that,” Lu Guang says finally, voice trembling.
Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart rips apart at its frayed seams. “Not even for you?” he nearly begs.
“It doesn’t matter who it is. Death is a node that can’t be compromised. You of all people should know that.”
Cheng Xiaoshi bolts up, rattling the table. “Lu Guang, can you blame me?” he shouts, voice rising. “I can’t save clients. That’s bad enough. But you? How can I pretend that nothing’s wrong? How am I supposed to live knowing I could do something about it if we broke our rules? That you could still be alive if I tell you what happened? What’s the point of this stupid power if I can’t save you?” Tears stream down his cheeks in hot, raging rivers, and he’s careless to stop them.
Rigidly, Lu Guang stands up and closes the distance between them, taking him by the hand. He guides Cheng Xiaoshi to the couch and sits him down. Cheng Xiaoshi can’t bear to look at him, instead leaning into his chest as his body lurches with every sob he lets out. Desperately he clings to the sensation of Lu Guang’s arms around him, knowing he will never feel his touch again.
The two stay like that for a while, Cheng Xiaoshi sobbing in Lu Guang’s arms as Lu Guang holds him. This was not on Cheng Xiaoshi’s agenda for today's Lu Guang visit. All he wanted to do was relax and eat noodles with him as if no tragedy would ever befall them. How foolish of him to think his selfish ways wouldn’t come back to haunt him. His stolen time with Lu Guang turns bittersweet as the sun slowly slips down the horizon.
“Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi says suddenly, voice uneasy, “what will happen if I tell you how you…you know?”
“Nothing. Even if I try to prevent it from happening, death will find me another way.”
He sniffles and looks up at Lu Guang, vision still blurred from his tears. “How can you be so calm?”
Lu Guang gives a small shake of the head. “I can’t do anything about it,” he offers, his voice low. “It’s no use worrying over something inevitable.”
What a Lu Guang thing to say, Cheng Xiaoshi thinks.
“Do you still want to know?”
“If you want to tell me, I won’t stop you.”
Cheng Xiaoshi leans over and taps the face of Lu Guang’s watch. “There’s someone out there with an ability, like us. They’re able to possess other people. And that person took over Qiao Ling’s body while we were doing a dive. I got pulled out of it suddenly.” He draws a sharp breath, debating whether to stop there, but he pushes forward. “I saw Qiao Ling with a knife in her hand. And you were lying on the couch…this couch…covered in blood.” Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand fumbles around, gently ghosting over Lu Guang’s body before coming to rest on his abdomen. He doesn’t miss the way Lu Guang flinches at the implication.“I couldn’t call the ambulance until Qiao Ling took back control of her body. The doctors tried everything they could, Lu Guang, but the surgery…the surgery failed.”
Cheng Xiaoshi doubles over as a fresh stream of tears overtakes him. Lu Guang can do nothing but hold him, consoling him over his own death.
“And Qiao Ling…” Cheng Xiaoshi continues in shuddery breaths, “she hasn’t forgiven herself. I want her to, she deserves to, but how can she do that when I can’t forgive myself either?”
“It was someone else controlling her,” Lu Guang replies matter-of-factly. “She didn’t kill me. Neither did you.”
“But we let them get away! It’s been weeks and we’ve hit every dead end possible. Qiao Ling and I are barely holding it together as-is, and whenever I dive, I feel so lost.” Cheng Xiaoshi hangs his head, messily wiping a sleeve across his face. “The least I can do for you is throw that fucker in prison and make sure he pays for what he did but I can’t even do that. I keep failing you, over and over and over. Just like I did before.”
They both fall silent, the air only punctuated by Cheng Xiaoshi’s sniffles.
Lu Guang’s voice comes out small, unsure. “How long do I have left?”
“A week,” came the reply. Lu Guang’s body tenses against his.
“A week,” Lu Guang repeats, contemplating it. He reaches a hand upward, gently patting the top of Cheng Xiaoshi’s hair.. “Not much time.”
Cheng Xiaoshi casts his gaze downwards. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. Cheng Xiaoshi, can you do me a favor?”
“Depends on what it is.”
Lu Guang lays a hand on Cheng Xiaoshi’s. “Don’t make any more dives into photos with us.”
Cheng Xiaoshi straightens up immediately, ears ringing. “What? Lu Guang, you can’t just–”
“Cheng Xiaoshi,” he says, sternly, though his watery eyes betray him. “This isn’t what your power is supposed to be for.”
The nerve! “Why not, Lu Guang? Who gets to make that call?” Cheng Xiaoshi’s nearly fuming, biting back his tongue from bubbling over completely. “You…you’re…you can’t dictate my powers anymore!” He doesn’t want to dwell too long on why that is.
Lu Guang sighs, the type of sigh he makes when Cheng Xiaoshi is being a nuisance or actively going against his orders. “You can’t catch my killer if you’re stuck with me in the past, right?” he says as if it’s plain as day.
Damn Lu Guang for being sensible even in the face of his own death. Cheng Xiaoshi slumps. “But…”
“Cheng Xiaoshi.” Lu Guang rests both hands on his shoulders, prompting Cheng Xiaoshi to look up at him. “Death is an important node that cannot be changed. If I am dead, attempting to bring me back will just increase the collateral damage. You’re burdened enough with the case at hand.”
It takes everything in him to not tear his gaze away. “How do you expect us to go on without you?” he chokes out.
“I don’t know. But you need to be there. Not here. Not–”
“Lu Guang, you don’t understand!” Cheng Xiaoshi cries out, wincing as his heart lurches once more. “You don’t understand how much of a fucking wreck I’ve become without you here! I’ve been missing you every damn day and it’s not like it’s going to stop. It fucking hurts! I lost my best friend and I’m just expected to move on from it? I even miss you being so high strung on your moral bullshit whenever we dive!” He lets out a wail and tries to pull away, but Lu Guang’s strong grip keeps him from escaping. Cheng Xiaoshi sighs. “Lu Guang…” he continues, voice barely a whisper, “I don’t know how the hell to do this without you. I’ve lost so much. Please…please don’t take this away from me.”
The plea rings through the air as Lu Guang studies Cheng Xiaoshi with a somber expression. Gently he releases his hands from Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulders and takes his hands instead.
“You won’t get any closer to the truth if you’re hiding yourself in the past. I’m already gone.” He squeezes Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands tighter as he continues, “Remember what I’ve told you. Past or present, let them be. Don’t be rash when you dive. I’m not there to help you.”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s crying again, silently, tears streaming down his already blotchy cheeks. He didn’t need that horrible reminder. His heart sinks as Lu Guang keeps going.
“You can’t save everyone. Not even me. I know you want to, but it’s impossible. Be careful with how you–”
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” Cheng Xiaoshi spits out, desperation bleeding from his tone. “I can come visit you again. In another picture. I have others!”
“Cheng Xiaoshi.”
“What?”
“If you do anything I tell you, do this.” Lu Guang raises up Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands, tears brimming in his dark eyes. “For your sake, and Qiao Ling’s, and mine. Please,” he whispers, “let me stay a memory.”
Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart plummets. “Lu Guang, wait, no, PLEASE–”
But it’s too late. Lu Guang claps Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands together, pulling him back into the present. He lands on his bedroom floor with a painful thud, but the ache in his heart completely swallows it whole and spills out into the floorboards, onto the bed, into the box of prints Cheng Xiaoshi obsessively leafed through. He pulls himself into a ball on the floor of his room, the image of Lu Guang all but burned permanently into his memory. Even as the door flies open with a bang and frantic footsteps approach him, he has half a mind to care.
“--shi. Cheng Xiaoshi!”
He’s suddenly aware of Qiao Ling, knelt next to him and aggressively shaking his shoulder.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Her voice comes out clipped as she frantically searches Cheng Xiaoshi’s face for answers.
Cheng Xiaoshi turns away from her. “H…He’s gone…” he finally manages to say, voice wobbly and unsure like a truth he must learn to accept, somehow.
Qiao Ling mutters something and pulls him upright before wrapping her arms around him in a hug, but Cheng Xiaoshi is numb to it all. All he can see, all he can comprehend, is the teary look in Lu Guang’s eyes as he sent Cheng Xiaoshi back. It’s as if a dormant part of him didn’t want to see Cheng Xiaoshi go. As if he was contemplating, even for a moment, breaking his own rules.
But that’s not Lu Guang. That was not, and never will be. He must remain a memory, and as Cheng Xiaoshi cries and cries in Qiao Ling’s arms, Cheng Xiaoshi sputters out a final plea.
“Lu Guang…” he snivels, his sobs choking up his words, “please…forgive me.”