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Nat has done his research. Hours and hours and hours on the web to learn more about asexuality. Anything and everything he could find on the asexual spectrum is now safely backed up on his computer.
He has to admit that much of what he read resonated with him. He found a lot of testimonies that sounded exactly like what he had felt for most of his teenage years. It felt a little overwhelming at first because there is a lot of diversity on the spectrum. There are things he could relate to a lot and others that felt very foreign.
There are two things he is nearly certain of right now. First, he is almost absolutely sure that he is somewhere on the ace spectrum. Second, he is 100% confident that he is not aromantic, which already rules out several identities.
He is currently on set but is constantly checking his phone for information as the hair and makeup artists work on him. He is usually chattier, but next up is their big NC scene. It is one of the things Nat loves about the storyline, all these scenes actually have a purpose and are not just there to please the audience. These scenes have a strong emotional impact every time, which makes them scarier to play, but also much more rewarding. He already knows that the fans will go crazy for them.
As he gets ready, Nat cannot help but feel anxious. He knows the process well by now, he even knows they are good at it, but he has a thousand things going through his head every time, and today was already exhausting.
He woke up at 5 am to be here before 7, and he had trouble sleeping last night, so he is already exhausted, and they have a very long day planned. He takes a deep breath, puts down his phone, closes his eyes, and tries to concentrate on remembering his lines.
In and out. Air in. Air out. Breathing exercises usually help him, and this time is no different. By the time he finishes his makeup, he feels much better and ready to go.
He catches Max's eyes in the mirror and smiles at him, giving him two thumbs up to emphasize that he is fine. His partner responds with a nod and his big teddy bear smile, though it does not reach his eyes. Nat sighs. He never quite manages to hide his anxiety, and Max is always worried about him because of it.
Everything sets in motion once they leave the room. To ease them into the scene, they first shoot the part of the scene where they mostly talk. A few touches here and there, but nothing too explicit yet.
Nat can already feel his skin tingling when Max puts his hands on him. It is a familiar feeling that he has been struggling with more and more. He feels safe and happy in his arms, which is not surprising since the man has done nothing but take care of him for the past four years. How could he feel otherwise?
Nat tries to stay focused on the scene, but his mind keeps drifting to what he has been reading lately and what Max said the night he got sick. His brain has a never-ending supply of Max's speech that day. "To me, being in love is feeling warm, comfortable, content. It's wanting to spend every moment with the other person, wanting to touch them constantly, no matter how small the touch may be," plays on repeat in his head.
He comes out of his daze when they have to move to another part of the scene. He catches Max's eyes again and notices the frown on the man's face. He shakes his head, trying to get rid of the unwanted thoughts, and smiles sheepishly, hoping to convey that he is okay. Mostly.
Max lets it go, but Nat is sure he will bring it up later when they discuss their day. Probably even before, if he manages to spend some time alone with the younger one.
They get into position, Max gently laying him down on the bed before beginning to kiss his jaw, then his neck, while one hand expertly lifts his t-shirt higher on his stomach. Nat feels it so clearly. The gentle humming turns into a burning fire as Max continues to kiss every inch of his body.
Nat is out of breath. He feels as if his whole body has just woken up from a very long nap that has turned off all sensation. "It's more like a buzz in the pit of your stomach. When you touch the person, it's like electricity running through your body." His brain provides more of Max's words.
Then he stops breathing completely as he begins to freak out, finally understanding what it feels like to be attracted to someone. He wants it to stop right now, as much as he hopes that Max's hands will never stop moving on him. He has to get out of here now before he loses it completely.
Across the room, Zee and NuNew are watching the proceedings. They just arrived and wanted to say hello before they went to the other room to get their hair and makeup done. NuNew is the first to sense that something is wrong, as he knows his friend very well. He is not surprised to see Nat flee the scene, but still watches helplessly as his friend stumbles across the room. Zee is the first to react, moving to stop Max from following his friend.
"Let him go," Zee says in an assertive tone, leaving no room for discussion as he grabs his friend's shoulders. Then he turns to NuNew and moves his head towards the room where Nat went, silently asking Nunew to follow his friend. The young man nods and leaves immediately.
"It's time for some Jelly magic, my friend. Let NuNew do it," Zee says gently as Max tries to free himself from his grip.
Max sighs heavily, looks in the direction Nat went, but surrenders anyway. He turns worriedly to everyone else in the room, all the crew looking back at him with questions in their eyes. He sees no anger, despite the time they will all lose today.
He is not really surprised though; everyone here loves Nat. He has always been nothing but professional and a pleasure to work with. Sitting on the couch, he grabs a pillow and holds on tight. He closes his eyes and tries not to imagine worst case scenarios.
Air in. Air out. Air in. Air out. Nat tries to do his breathing exercises, but he cannot stop overthinking and overreacting. He sits on the floor with his back against the wall, making himself as small as possible. No matter how small he is, he will never be able to disappear completely.
He hears the door open and close gently, but he is not ready to face the man responsible for the mess in his head. Scratch that. It is his own fault; Max is not to blame at all. The footsteps are lighter than he expected, though, so he dares to glance at the person standing next to him.
"I think I'm demisexual," is the first thing he says when he sees NuNew by his side instead of Max. His breathing is shallow and fast. The panic is still rising. He cannot catch his breath. "And I might be in love with P'Max," he adds, putting his head in his hands, then dropping it to his knees and circling his legs with his arms. He is hiding himself. Hiding the shame and guilt he feels.
NuNew says nothing, letting his friend process his thoughts. He drops to the floor next to Nat and puts his hand on his arm, a gentle reminder that he is here when Nat is ready to talk. NuNew breathes louder on purpose to help Nat follow his rhythm. Breathe in for 3 seconds, then out for 5 seconds and repeat.
"What am I going to do?" Nat laments once his breathing is back under control.
NuNew lets a few more seconds pass, feeling his friend relax a bit. As soon as he is sure that Nat is feeling better, he changes his position, facing his friend instead of sitting at his side.
"We'll circle back to P'Max later," he begins with a pointed look that makes Nat squirm under his gaze. "I don't think I've heard the word demisexual before, can you tell me more about it?" he asks gently.
NuNew has never really looked into the LGBTQIA+ lexicon, not one to worry about labels. As shy as he can be, he is not afraid to feel what he feels and be unapologetic about it. You love who you love, and that is nobody else's business.
"You know I've always been different, right?" Nat says almost shyly, but also confidently.
NuNew hums. Yes, Nat is a very loving person, never afraid to show his love, but he has never shown any interest in anyone beyond friendship. Well, with one exception apparently, but they will talk about that later.
"I've been reading a lot about asexuality in the last few weeks because I wanted to understand who I am." Nunew listens carefully, seeing that this means a lot to his friend. "I found things that I can finally relate to. There are a lot of people who don't feel attracted to other people.”
Nat gets a little more animated as he talks about it. He is so happy to have found people who feel the way he does. To be able to put into words what he feels or does not feel is fantastic. It is not this part that scares him, quite the opposite. He is getting to know who he is.
"The spectrum of asexuality is so wide, there are many different people who feel different things. Some feel no romantic or sexual attraction at all, some feel love but don't want to have sex. Others feel both, but with some kind of precondition. Demisexuals fall into that last category. They...we have to get to know the person first and feel a strong emotional connection before sexual attraction even crosses our mind.”
Talking about it with someone he trusts feels freeing in a way he did not expect. He knows that NuNew will never judge him, only offer words of comfort, a shoulder to cry on, and advice if needed. NuNew smiles as he pats his friend's leg.
"Thanks for telling me." Nat replies with a smile, knowing that their next conversation will be much harder. That was the easy part, talking about himself and who he is. But putting his feelings into words is much harder.
Max feels like he is free-falling. He noticed some strange behavior from Nat lately, but never pushed too hard. He could feel Nat slipping away from him, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. The boy had always been open with him, even if it took him a while to say what was on his mind, but lately he seemed so withdrawn.
Max tries not to overthink it and blame himself, but clearly he did something wrong for Nat to react so strongly today. Walking away like that is not Nat's typical behavior. When Max crosses a line, Nat either gently tells him off or outwardly shows that he is uncomfortable.
This time Max saw no signs. Nat did seem a little off just before the scene, but he gave both thumbs up, so Max let it go. He probably shouldn't have. Max feels Zee sitting next to him, always keeping a little distance between them, unlike Nat who is always almost sitting on him.
"I know you're in a spiral right now. It might have something to do with you, but that doesn't mean you did anything wrong." This makes Max scoff. How can it be related to him if he has done nothing wrong?
"I'm serious, Max," he adds, digging his elbow into Max's side as he groans. "It may look like it's your fault, but I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. You know Nong Nat, if it was just something you did, he would have told you right away".
Max understands what Zee is trying to say. It may be more than just Max. He can hear Zee's thoughts: "Stop being a self-centered jerk." Even with his eyes still closed, he can easily imagine the contempt on his friend's face.
"Not everything is about me," Max says quietly.
"Exactly!" Zee says, slapping his friend on the shoulder with a big smile. "Now stop sulking and let my baby work its magic." Max scoffs again, but he cannot deny that there are some things and conversations that NuNew is better suited for than he is. He suspects it is the difference between a best friend and a partner.
"You're such an ass, I don't know how NuNew puts up with you," Max replies, but he loves to tease his best friend. They don't coddle each other. The banter is part of why their odd friendship works so well.
"I love you too, dickhead." With a last push on Max's arm, Zee relaxes completely, his work done. It is easy with Max, because it does not take much to make him reasonable. Zee puts his hands behind his neck, straightens his legs and begins to whistle happily. Waiting is the only thing left to do.
When Max finally opens his eyes, he is surprised to see that everyone has left the room. He is glad to have some privacy. This team has their best interests at heart most of the time. Knowing that there's nothing more he can do at this point, he makes himself comfortable and closes his eyes again. If he pretended to be asleep, he might be able to get some rest.
In the other room, Nat is up and pacing. He keeps pushing his hair back, knowing full well that he is ruining all of his hairstylist's hard work. He needs something to do with his hands. This is one of his bad habits. Whether it's nitpicking, playing with other people's hands, or grabbing something, anything, he needs to keep his hands busy when he's stressed.
Come to think of it, most of these things imply Max when he is with him. How could he not see it before? There is only one person on earth who makes him feel both calm and excited at the same time. Only one person he touches constantly, whether he is stressed or not, and can never get enough of.
He wants to touch Max. All the time. He cannot stay more than 20 centimeters apart from him. He is not fully himself if he does not feel Max’s body heat next to him. Shia. He can feel himself panicking again, his body temperature rising and his staccato breath increasing. He needs to talk about it.
On the other side of the room, NuNew watches his friend closely. He does not prod or pry, he just waits. As usual, Nat will overthink it until he breaks and spills everything. NuNew smiles as he sees his disheveled friend turn to him, ready to talk.
"So you want to tell me more about this P'Max situation?" As always, NuNew does not beat around the bush. There is no need to circle the wagons for hours. Especially when they are on a tight schedule.
When Nat just nods but does not start talking, NuNew pushes a little further. "What makes you think you're in love with P'Max?"
NuNew has to admit that he did not see this coming. They have known each other for almost two years now, but Nat has never admitted anything romantic towards his partner until today. He did wonder about it during his first few weeks with the DMD boys, though. There was always a special bond between MaxNat, but after a few weeks of neither mentioning anything, NuNew got over it.
“I want to touch him all the time.” Nat begins with what he is currently spiraling around.
"You're very tactile Nat, it doesn't mean anything." There is a frown on the bigger boy's face. This must mean a lot to Nat because it is the first time NuNew has seen him so scared and pale.
"I thought so too, but I never get enough of him. I'm not like that with you, Jelly, or anyone else for that matter." Nat sighs. He has to explain everything so that NuNew understands what is happening.
"I never had problems putting myself in Diao's place because I didn't really feel anything unusual, but today was different." Nat sighs again. He takes a deep breath and prepares to lay it all out.
"Ever since we started shooting Naughty Babe, I've had trouble concentrating during the NC scenes." NuNew hums, listening intently to his friend. "I'm not used to feeling things. It always felt very practical to me, like a dance. You have to touch here, look like this, say this, grab here, and so on". He explains, gesturing to demonstrate. NuNew understands him, there are so many people around and things to think about, it is not nearly as romantic as people think.
“I was emotionless and able to follow our guideline. Today I felt... “He stops and tries to think of the right term. “I guess arousal is the word. When Max touched me, it felt like my body was on fire and I couldn’t control my reactions.” Nat wants to say more but gets chocked up. Trying his breathing exercises once again to get his breathing back under control. Why is it so hard all of a sudden?
"You reacted like any teenager with no experience would." NuNew understands what Nat means and how he feels. He has been there before. "The more experience you get, the easier it is to stay focused. Trust me, you get used to it." NuNew's soft, reassuring words help ease Nat's fears. It will get better with time. Nat just has to get used to the feeling.
Air in and out. Nat stops pacing and puts his hand on his heart, feeling it beating loudly against his chest. Out of the corner of his eye he sees NuNew standing up and slowly walking toward him. Nat runs into his friend's open arms.
"I freaked out because this is so unusual for me." Nat whispers into NuNew's ear. "You know, I asked P'Max to tell me what it feels like to be attracted to someone. Everything he said is how I feel when I'm with him."
NuNew tightens his grip on Nat, holding him in his arms to convey love and encouragement. Nat wants to cry, feeling overwhelmed by his realization and having such good friends in his life. He feels grateful for life, even though it is sometimes hard.
He has no idea how to deal with these feelings. How can he get over it? Is there a way to get rid of these thoughts? He cannot jeopardize his work and his relationship because his feelings have changed. He cannot jeopardize Max's career because he fell in love with the man. That should not have happenned.
"Should I tell him?" He suddenly asks NuNew. He should be honest with Max, right? This affects him too.
"I think you should. He might adjust his behavior to help you deal with it." Nat nods in agreement. He trusts NuNew's judgment, he is the voice of reason. "But don't do it now," NuNew adds quickly. "You need time and privacy to figure this out together."
Nat nods again and agrees with his friend. He will talk to P'Max later. Tonight. Or tomorrow at the latest. Breathing deeply, Nat concentrates on his character and his next scene. He has to be ready for what comes next. However, he will ask P'Aof to shoot this scene another day. They have no other intimate scenes scheduled for that day.
"I'm ready to go back," Nat announces as soon as he feels ready. Hugging his friend one last time, Nat pulls himself out of NuNew's arms and marches to the door. Just before turning the doorknob, he looks back at NuNew and smiles. "Thanks for always being there for me, Jelly."
"Anytime!" Nat knows he means it.
Max sits bolt upright when he hears the door open. His heart skips a beat as Nat comes out of the room, looking a little disheveled but otherwise unharmed. His eyes scan every inch of Nat's face, looking for any sign of distress. He traces the contours of his face. Although he can still see traces of anxiety on his pale skin, he looks much calmer.
It is only when Nat is standing in front of him that Max remembers to breathe. For the first time since Nat left the room, he feels like he can finally relax. His lips lift in what he hopes is a reassuring smile. In return, Nat's smile is radiant, as if nothing had happened.
Before Max can open his mouth, Nat speaks up in a confident voice. "I know we need to talk, but not right now. All you need to know is that I'm fine and that I'm ready to carry on."
Max wants to argue. He wants to know what happened and what he did wrong, but he can see from Nat's face that it's not up for discussion. His Nong carries himself with such confidence at times that it's hard for Max not to be in awe of the man he has become.
He can't help but feel restless, though, because he needs to know if he's made a mistake at some point. “Do I need to do anything differently?” He asks anxiously.
For the first time since he left, Nat puts his hand on Max's thigh and looks him straight in the eye before replying, "I can promise you you did nothing wrong, P'Max.” Nat's round eyes convey nothing but sincerity. Max can only nod in response, completely mesmerized by Nat's candor.
He blinks a few times when he hears Zee snicker next to him. He had completely forgotten that his friend was still sitting next to him, oblivious to everything but Nat. “You're even worse than I am Khun simp”.
Still giggling, Zee stands and pats Nat on the cheek. "I'll tell everyone they can come back." After a last wink, he strides to join NuNew, who was waiting for him.
Nat takes Zee's place on the couch. They remain in comfortable silence until everyone arrives. Nat quietly bites his lip and waits for P'Aof. He still has to ask him if they can shoot this scene another day.
Max can feel P'Aof looking at them with concern in his eyes as soon as he enters the room. He cannot help but squirm under the man's gaze, even though Nat has told him he has done nothing wrong. Max knows that P'Aof will always be on Nat's side when it comes to a decision. Who is he kidding? Even he would side with Nat instead of himself if they ever had an argument where a choice had to be made.
"I know we're on a tight schedule, but is it possible to shoot this scene another day?" Nat asks as soon as P'Aof is within reach. Max turns to Nat with a look of surprise on his face. "I'm really sorry, but I don't feel up to it right now." The young man adds sweetly.
"N'Nat, you never asked for anything before, did you?" Max already knows from the tone of P'Aof's voice that the answer will be yes.
"I don't think so." Nat bites his lips again and Max wants to reach out and make him stop.
"We can delay it a bit, we still have scenes to shoot in the house anyway. I'd rather we move on to the next scene now than waste more time on this." Nat bows his head at P'Aof's last words, a little embarrassed to have wasted everyone's time. After reassuring everyone that he is fine, they go back to work.
Both Aof and Max keep a close eye on him, but there are no further incidents. Nat is his usual self, charming, professional and brilliant. At the end of the day, everyone breathes a little easier.