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"So, what now?"
Brian looked at me. He knew what I was thinking.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... what do I do now."
I smiled at the camera in the kiss and cry, while going over the score.
Fifth. I was in fifth place after the short program. The last time I competed in nationals, I ended in 7th place overall. But now things are different. And there's nothing to be done about it. Alena, Anna and Alexandra all aged into senior simultaneously. Great for them. Terrible for me. It hurt a little bit.
No that wasn't true.
It hurt a lot. The screen above the ice surface showed fans with encouraging signs.
They're holding out hope for me. They want me to continue and win.
Orser looked at me with a smile on his face.
It wasn't a real smile, or a mean smile. It's the kinda smile someone gives when they're bringing bad news but want to soften the blow. It's the kinda smile that's in some ways worse then a sneer.
"We'll go ahead and look at the scoring sheet later, okay Zhenya?"
I nod and wave goodbye to the k&c camera.
As a flower hands me a bouquet I make eye contact with smirking Eteri.
The last time I saw her was at worlds, although we didn't speak to each other.
The last time I spoke to her was at the Olympics. I remember it clear as day.
She said "It doesn't matter if you win gold or silver, just be happy for Alina."
And I was. No, really. The media likes to say Alina and I are arch-rivals, and we are in competition, but in reality we are best friends. Well, we were. We haven't been able to spend much time together for almost two years. It's sad, but sometimes things are just like that. She was one of the first people I told about going to the Cricket Club. She also considered it, but chose to stay in Russia, mostly in fear of disappointing her family and Eteri. At least, that what she told me. I do believe her, but I think her crush on Daniil also played an important role.
At the world championship in Saitama, something seemed off about her. I couldn't really describe it. I asked her what's been going with her at the short program practice. She looked at me like she was planning a heist and stared at the ice for a few seconds before leaving the practice early.
I broke eye contact with Eteri to leave the rink. I could still feel her mean eyes stabbing me in the back.
~~~~~~
When I arrived at my hotel room, I collapsed on the bed while I felt my mind break down.
I did everything I could.
I did everything I could at the Olympics.
I did everything I could in Saitama.
I did everything I could today.
How am I supposed to win against 15year-olds with quads and triple axels?
To distract myself, I put on some Sailor Moon and grabbed my phone.
I sent a text to Brian to explain that I was going to withdraw from nationals, and put my phone on silent.
I knew that withdrawing means no chance of going to Europeans, Let alone Worlds, but they weren't sending me anyways.
Not only did I have no chance to medal at nationals, I hadn't even come close to reaching the GPF. They're not sending me.
But I don't wanna give up. I'm not going to. I simply refuse too. Sure, nationals is out of the question, but maybe...
Maybe I could go to a different competition, one that isn't in Russia preferably.
I look at the ISU calendar on the website to see if I can still apply to compete. The deadline to enter a competition is usually two month before the competition begins, so I'll have to be fast.
There! Challenge Cup in The Netherlands, 20-23 February.
I picked up my phone and called Brian.
"Zhenya? What's going on? Are you okay?"
I usually just text him.
"Yes, nothing special and yes. Have you ever been to the Netherlands?"