Archive of Our Own ^beta

In Jeno’s eyes, Renjun is an interesting guy. He exudes this cool charisma with his hair dyed silver, that gray hoodie he always uses instead of the school uniform, and that bored gaze on his face whenever he sits over the sink in the third-floor bathroom. He’s so interesting that Jeno can’t stop himself from being drawn to him by some sort of magnetic force—even if he wanted to, Jeno couldn’t escape him; even when Renjun talks to him like he thinks Jeno is dumb and lifts his eyebrows every two sentences in a judging manner. 

Honestly, Jeno doesn’t know how he got so involved with Renjun (something about asking for permission to go to the bathroom because he couldn’t hold his pee any longer and finding a guy skipping class in there), but now it feels like there’s no turning back. Even when Renjun is a cool guy, he’s still a tad intimidating. Jeno hates to admit it, but his sharp voice and somewhat tactless way of expressing himself corner Jeno to submission. He wouldn’t like to upset a guy like Renjun.

Perhaps Renjun is right when he mockingly calls him puppy with feigned sympathy—Jeno knows it’s fake; whenever Renjun smiles, his eyes are as dull as ever.

For this exact reason, Jeno never opposes Renjun’s demands. They have fallen into a somewhat steady dynamic by now: Renjun forces Jeno to skip class with him, teases him and makes him feel all nervous and then scoffs in amusement, and Jeno does as he says, like a well-behaved puppy waiting for head pats. 

It’s weird, but it doesn’t feel bad. It doesn’t bother Jeno at all. Should it bother him? He’s not sure of the answer.

There are legs dangling in the air, the sound of a lighter, and a packet of cigarettes lying over the counter. Renjun’s hand pauses midair as he holds a cigarette between his fingers, and he stares at Jeno as if he were thinking of something. 

“You’ve never smoked, right?”

Jeno immediately shakes his head. His eyes are fixed on the boy who sits on the sink. He wonders if it’s appropriate to smoke inside the school; someone may come and catch them, and they may get into trouble, but it seems like Renjun has been doing this for a long time. This is exactly how he found him the day they met each other. 

“Try it.”

Soon, Renjun has an extended arm in his direction, and Jeno stares at the lit cigarette in front of him. He doesn’t know how to do it, but he’s afraid of admitting the fact out loud. Jeno wants to impress Renjun, not get scolded. However, his hesitant demeanor has already been noticed by the other boy, who has started frowning.

Sadly, when God created him, he forgot to grace Renjun with patience. 

“Come on, puppy. Just do it. What's stopping you?” Renjun speaks in that demanding and almost exasperated voice that Jeno knows very well.

He grabs the cigarette, dissimulating the trembling of his fingers when they come into contact with Renjun’s, and takes it to his mouth. He’s going to do it. Jeno sighs and tries.

And starts coughing immediately.

Renjun immediately rolls his eyes, not having it. He should have expected this from Jeno, though. With every passing second, he seems less pleased, and that makes the poor boy even more nervous. Renjun, then, snatches the cigarette from Jeno’s hand and gives it a puff, not without looking Jeno directly in the eye. Watch and learn, dummy.

“Did you see it?” He asks now, and Jeno feels pressured to answer. “Ok, your turn. Now do it properly, and don't do that thing with your cheeks.”

And Jeno complies. He accepts the cigarette again and tries it a second time, doing as instructed. This time, he succeeds. It feels weird, but an interesting kind of weird. He can get used to it. He also likes Renjun's satisfied expression; it makes him feel great.

But Renjun interrupts his train of thought by nagging at him again.

“Jeno, don’t throw the ashes on the floor. Do it in the sink, I don’t know.”

 🌩️. . .

The thing with Renjun is that he’s incredibly pushy. Sometimes Jeno wonders if he’s aware. After the first few times they crossed paths, asking him to keep him company during class hours became a sort of habit. At first, Renjun seemed curious about him, asking him questions and looking at Jeno like he wasn't sure how he hadn’t noticed him before when he was so entertaining to watch.

Sometimes, Jeno feels like Renjun has taken him under his wing. For instance, Renjun used to blow the smoke of his cigarettes directly at his face, not minding if it bothered him or not. Under that nonchalant front, he almost seemed to do it on purpose, as if testing if Jeno would get annoyed or not. But Jeno never said a thing and just stayed there, doing his best to stand the smell. With the passing of the weeks, Renjun has gotten more mindful of that after seeing that Jeno won’t express his possible annoyance and, instead, he will repress it. 

It might be the bare minimum, but in Jeno’s eyes, that’s a subtle sign that Renjun likes him at least a teeny tiny bit.

The problem, however, is that Renjun doesn’t treat him like a friend. It’s not like Jeno has many friends to make the comparison, but still. Renjun treats him like some sort of brand-new toy he can manipulate to have fun with or a pet he can show new tricks, always willing to follow him around.

Renjun likes having him around, that’s for sure. Even if he always seems annoyed at something and looks like he hates wasting his time at school. That might be a reason why Renjun likes Jeno—Jeno can entertain him, and he will never oppose what he asks. If Renjun asks him to stay with him instead of learning Physics, Jeno will stay; if Renjun instructs him to smoke his first-ever cigarette, Jeno will do it; if Renjun raises his voice and implies that Jeno is nothing but a silly pup, Jeno won’t say anything.

It’s easy to have Jeno around. 

Maybe Jeno shouldn’t let Renjun treat him like this, but the truth is that he also likes being around him. Jeno doesn’t have close friends, and he’s pretty sure that the guys who hang out with him in class don’t include him in their after-school plans. There is no one telling him that he shouldn't do this, so he keeps coming back. Also, everything around Renjun feels new, and Jeno is a curious guy. 

He wants to know more about him.

Renjun is sort of an enigma. Jeno is not sure if he understands him—he never knows what goes on in his mind. That’s not because he’s not observant, though; he makes his best attempt. But Renjun is reserved, and he’s really good at putting up a front—Jeno is sure that there’s more beyond what the boy lets everyone see.

He’s kind of a lone wolf, as cliché as that may sound. Jeno always sees him alone. Most of the time, he’s skipping class and smoking in the third-floor bathroom, or simply wasting his time doing whatever. Even though Renjun doesn’t share much about himself, he has told Jeno that his friends attend another school, and they usually hang out after class, going to the arcade or drinking booze.

Usually, Renjun has a bored and dull expression on his face when he thinks no one is looking. His eyes never change, and whenever he smirks, it never reaches them either. Whenever he grabs his cigarette, his hold is tense, and he always looks like he’s spacing out, like a guy who has a lot on his mind and whose thoughts never shut up. It’s evident that his cold and bored front is nothing but a mask to keep him in place and in control. Jeno wonders if anyone else notices.

Maybe no one else is as interested in Renjun as he is, so they don’t see these things.

Renjun likes control. His voice is usually sharp and demanding, monotonous, and without a trace of emotion in it—a perfect demonstration of his love for control. It’s also a bit deep, but not in an unsettling way. For someone so cold and intimidating, Renjun’s voice is nice to hear—it even has the potential to be soothing, but it seems like the boy hasn’t discovered that yet. He’s also shorter than Jeno, and his facial features are softer; his eyes are kind of round too. Jeno would say that he’s cute if Renjun didn’t spend the entire day bossing him around.

Renjun’s love for control can also be seen in the way he insists on calling him puppy. Jeno has told him countless times to cut it out since he’s not fond of the pet name, but Renjun insists. He says that it fits him—Jeno can tell that rather than an affectionate nickname, it’s meant to be mocking.

In Jeno’s eyes, Renjun is not a bad boy, even if he may seem like one. Renjun is clearly not bad—he only has improper behavior. He's a boy who breaks the rules without messing with anyone else’s life but his own. 

And, for the always well-behaved Lee Jeno, who will never say no to something in hopes of pleasing everyone around him, Renjun is incredibly interesting. Jeno is willing to ignore anything that may bother him.

This dynamic has worked well for them, and Jeno doesn't want to imagine how things could be if it were another way.

🌩️. . .

Renjun can be a huge tease. It’s hard to read him. Jeno never knows the intention behind every word he spits out. On the contrary, though, it seems like Renjun can read him perfectly, and that makes his job of driving him insane easier. It's a tad unsettling; it always feels like there's something wrong, but he can pinpoint what it is.

The boy takes joy in making Jeno nervous. Sometimes he will say something, sometimes he will do something, it doesn’t matter; the important part is that he knows how to make Jeno feel cornered. He clearly does it on purpose, like it’s nothing but a game: Let’s see if Jeno will break today . 

He drives him to the edge. It’s like he gets up in the morning and tells himself that he should be as annoying as possible to see if Jeno explodes and gets mad at him. Sometimes he might do it by being unnecessarily rude and mean to him, but Jeno always smiles with his eyes and says nothing. That usually makes Renjun even more annoyed.

Jeno doesn’t know why he acts this way, and he even feels guilty for assuming that Renjun has been doing it on purpose. It sends a shiver down his spine, and he’s afraid of showing when things bother or hurt him because he doesn’t want Renjun to actually get mad. That’s why he never says no and always obeys like a well-trained dog. He never knows if his next action will be the correct answer that will satisfy Renjun.

The easier option is always taking his side and doing what he asks.

But it’s hard. Every day it feels like he’s coming closer to his limit, and that debate that forms in his head is killing him.

Today is one of those days. It’s 11 a.m., and Renjun sent him a message telling him to skip class with him a few minutes ago, instructing him to go to the restroom on the third floor because he wants Jeno to see something. Jeno doesn’t know what to expect; he never knows when it comes to Renjun. 

When he opens the door, Renjun is there, looking at something inside his open backpack. 

Jeno is curious, and he immediately tries to take a peek at what could be in there as soon as he makes his way inside. Renjun immediately looks at him with a smile on his face as soon as he notices his arrival. He seems to be in a good mood, although it’s hard for Jeno to decipher how genuine it is.

“Come over, puppy,” the boy motions with a hand. “Do you wanna have fun?”

The logical answer would be yes. What can possibly go wrong? It’s Renjun he’s talking about, though. Jeno doesn’t know what he means by fun, and that odd grin on his face suddenly terrifies him. Truth be told, Jeno doesn’t really trust him, at least not yet. This sudden change in his demeanor doesn’t help either.

For these reasons, Jeno simply stands there in silence, wide eyes fixed on the black backpack. 

“I asked you a question, puppy.”

If Jeno didn’t know Renjun, he would think that his tone was sweet—there is a clear absence of sharp edges in the way he enunciates each phoneme. Unfortunately, Jeno knows him, and he has learned that this unusual behavior means that he holds something behind his sleeve, and Jeno doesn’t think it’s something good. His intuition tells him that Renjun isn’t trying to go soft on him; instead, he’s proving Jeno while trying to deceive him.

Jeno feels like a mouse who has just walked directly into the cat’s trap.

“Yes. Let’s have fun.” He doesn’t sound excited or even remotely convinced, but his answer seems to satisfy the boy in front of him.

“Ok, I want to show you something.”

Then he watches Renjun shuffle around on his spot as he reaches for his black backpack again. He opens the zip and grabs something. Before taking it out, though, he pauses to look at Jeno. That impish grin is still on his face, and Jeno suddenly thinks that he should have stayed in class—surprisingly, he was actually understanding those math exercises that the teacher was explaining on the board.

His gaze moves around the room as he waits, clearly displaying his jittery state.

“You’ve never drunk alcohol, right?” 

Jeno shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t have come. That's his first thought when he hears Renjun's words.

Instead, he looks at the ground and shakes his head.

Even if he isn’t looking, he can hear Renjun moving. The zipper is closed. There’s a somewhat metallic sound, and the boy speaks again.

“Wanna have a beer with me?”

Jeno doesn’t want to. He caves in and looks at Renjun, who is holding a can in each hand. He assumes that one is for him.

Renjun is waiting, but Jeno looks at the door, not knowing what to do.

If someone catches them doing this, they will be in great trouble, and Jeno hates that idea. He doesn’t like trouble, and he has spent his entire life trying to be good and doing as instructed—he’s not good at breaking rules, but Renjun is, and now he’s deeply involved with him and his antics. 

It feels like he doesn’t have another option. 

“I-I’m not sure…” His voice comes quietly, and Renjun immediately raises an eyebrow.

“Come on, pup. I promise you that being drunk makes the teachers a bit more funny and bearable. Try it.”

Jeno stays quiet, still trying to decide what he should do. He should say no, but the words don’t come, and Renjun in front of him is growing impatient. His face morphs into a serious expression, and his eyes are fixed on Jeno’s figure. And, oh god, Jeno hates being scrutinized like this. He doesn’t want to make a decision.

“Pup,” Renjun insists again. “Just do it.”

He’s so manipulative and pushy, and Jeno hates being cornered like this. He’s frightened, and he can’t stand being in this place alone with Renjun. The tension is suffocating him, and Renjun’s somber eyes are boring holes in his body. Jeno can’t stand it anymore; he doesn’t want to get in trouble. 

He’s got enough.

In a poor attempt at taking control of the situation, Jeno makes his way to the door while mumbling that it’s better if he goes back to his class. He doesn’t seem confident in his decision as he avoids eye contact and rushes to escape the situation, and Renjun is quick to catch on to that. The boy leaves the two cans on the counter and quickly rushes to push the door closed with his hand before Jeno can open it.

“Wait, what are you doing?”

Jeno says nothing. Renjun is getting mad, and that’s exactly what he wanted to avoid. 

“You can’t do this—look at me when I speak.”

And he immediately does, with the same expression a dog puts on whenever they know they did something bad. Renjun’s jaw is tense, and his entire expression is cold. Jeno has never seen him this angry, and it scares him a bit. This is his first time seeing raw emotions take place on his always bored and unperturbed face. 

The worst part is that this is a result of Jeno’s actions. Renjun is mad, yes, but he’s mad at him . 

He starts talking again, asking him why he can’t do as told and telling him how ungrateful he is as Renjun made all the effort to get a can of beer for him too. Then he goes on about how he thought Jeno was cooler, yet it seems like he’s nothing but a cowardly dog, and maybe Renjun is wasting his time with him. When he talks, his voice comes out loud and clear, and he seems so in control that it’s clear who has the upper hand in the situation. 

And Jeno doesn’t want to hear him anymore; he simply wants to escape. He hates being the object of someone’s anger; he didn’t want to upset or disappoint him. This feeling is worse than anything else because Jeno feels so scared of letting Renjun down. He doesn’t want that, and he shouldn’t have acted this way.

Maybe Jeno was wrong. He should have done it; Renjun knows what he’s talking about.

Renjun in front of him keeps rambling, clearly angry. His words are hurtful, but Jeno has already drowned them out. He can hear Renjun’s voice. He can feel the sharp edges in his words and how they cut him, but he’s unable to process them.

Jeno has reached his limit, something he feared. But now he can’t take it anymore, so he interrupts Renjun.

“Fine.” Renjun’s mouth falls shut. “I’ll do it. I’ll try it.”

Renjun stares at him in silence. He doesn’t seem satisfied yet. His eyes follow Jeno’s body as he approaches the counter again and grabs one of the cans to open it. The silence is heavy; Renjun has crossed his arms. 

Jeno brings the can to his mouth and takes a sip.

It’s bitter. This is not fun.

If the circumstances were different, would it be fun? Would it taste different?

Jeno keeps going, and Renjun, still quiet, slowly makes his way to the other can of beer to drink it calmly. They never look at each other, and it’s clear that this isn’t helping the situation as both of them seem too caught up in their own emotions, even if they don’t entirely let them be on display for the other to see. 

It’s when Jeno has downed at least half of his beer that Renjun stops him. He puts a hand on his shoulder, and Jeno looks at him through the corner of his eye. He’s expressionless as always. 

“Just go back to class.”

Renjun doesn’t say more, but this is enough. As always, Jeno does as instructed: he leaves the can over the counter and heads to the door, walking past Renjun without ever stopping to look at him.

Jeno is so upset. There’s a bitter taste in his mouth, and he’s sure that it’s not only a product of the beer that he just tasted. He doesn’t know what to do with this unpleasant feeling of anger that pools in his stomach—he wants to scream and cry and maybe kick a trash can, but he does none of that, and that makes him feel even more powerless.

He can’t even pinpoint why exactly he’s so upset, and that only makes everything worse because he doesn’t know what to do with this feeling—he doesn’t know how to process it.

While he’s angry at Renjun for pushing him to do risky stuff and break the rules, he hates himself for being so fucking stupid. He can’t make a single decision for himself, and he’s always putting everyone’s desires over his own. And he’s so easy to manipulate. Jeno hates himself for being like this: a weak coward who can’t think for himself. Even when he didn’t want to drink because they are at school and he’s still sixteen and it’s not even noon, he still did it. He couldn’t even hold his own stance and ended up doing what Renjun wanted anyway.

Jeno feels so stupid. 

Maybe Renjun is right when he treats him like he’s nothing but a dumb dog.

🌩️. . .

Jeno doesn’t dare talk to Renjun. He’s not trying to avoid him; he’s just a bit frightened about what could happen between them after the beer incident . Luckily (or not), they haven’t seen each other in the past few days, and while that gives Jeno the illusion that everything will be okay, it also makes his panic grow.

Now that some days have passed, he has time to think about what happened. Now, instead of feeling upset, Jeno regrets his actions. It’s clear that Renjun got disappointed since he expected way more from Jeno, and he should have foreseen that. In Jeno’s eyes, this is kind of the worst outcome. 

In an attempt to follow his brain, he probably messed up his relationship with Renjun. What a shame, Jeno liked what they had—even if it wasn’t the most wholesome friendship out there. At least Jeno had a friend. Now, though? He’s not sure, and the only way to find out is by talking with Renjun, but Jeno is nervous, and he prefers to postpone that scenario. 

He’s ashamed. He angered Renjun. And, oh god, Jeno hates it.

He’ll make sure to earn him back. Renjun is going to forget that he got so mad that he yelled at his face because Jeno will show him that he can be fun too and that he’s also cool like him. He’s going to earn his appreciation again, and Renjun will be forced to decide that he must keep Jeno around, show him stuff, and skip class with him.

That way, Renjun will see that Jeno wants to spend time with him, even if they’re just wasting their time together.

And how is Jeno going to achieve this? Simple. He will follow Renjun, he will entertain him, and, most importantly, he will say yes to whatever the other boy proposes. Like a puppy who is eager to please—Renjun loves treating him like one.

This is the best idea Jeno has had in a while. 

The first step is to approach him. As soon as Jeno catches a glimpse of that silver hair amidst the crowd of students in the hallways, he goes to greet him with one of those wide smiles that make his eyes tinier. At first, Renjun simply stares at him with a blank expression—a huge question mark painted all over his face. Jeno doesn’t know how to interpret that, but it won’t stop him.

So he does it again and again until he has made sure that Renjun doesn’t hate him or think that he’s worthless.

And then, just like clockwork, it seems like the beer incident is long forgotten in the past.

Jeno receives a text from Renjun in the middle of class. His phone vibrates under his textbook, and Jeno rushes to read the message before he gets caught texting in class.

Meet me by the end of the next break. Same place as always. Bring your backpack too. 

Jeno gulps. The break is starting soon—his teacher keeps talking about something, but Jeno can’t focus as he keeps staring at the clock, praying for the minutes to pass faster.

He arrives at the third-floor bathroom before Renjun. Now that the bell has rung, everyone has returned to their classrooms, and the room is empty. Jeno stares at himself in the mirror: his nervous expression stares back at him. Jeno doesn’t know what to expect from Renjun, but this time it doesn’t matter. 

He’s willing to follow Renjun to hell if it means that their relationship will be safe.

When the other boy arrives, he seems a tad surprised that Jeno is already waiting for him, especially when Jeno looks at him with glimmering eyes. It’s just that he wants to prove that he’s a good boy—no, he’s the best boy out there, and Renjun is going to see it, and his liking for Jeno will only grow from here.

Jeno will earn Renjun’s approval and validation to make him forget about the time he disappointed him.

To do that, he must ignore the impromptu dilemma that has formed in his head. It doesn’t matter. It won’t stop him—Jeno is not going to hear his own thoughts right now. Even if the voice in his head tells him that earning Renjun’s approval means breaking a few rules and that he will be in big trouble if his mom finds out, she will probably be utterly disappointed and upset too. Jeno will not entertain that thought—right now, his focus is on Renjun. If he stops to think about the consequences of his actions, he will realize that this is a terrible idea. But Jeno doesn’t want that.

He’s fine with convincing himself that he should do this.

“So, what are we doing today?” Jeno asks, and Renjun seems slightly taken aback.

“I was really bored in class. I hate Chemistry,” comments Renjun instead, fixing his silver bangs in the mirror. “So I was thinking that maybe I could show you something, and then we could go to the arcade.” There is a pause. “But only if you promise to be good and that you really want to do this.”

“Of course I want.”

Renjun stares at him in silence. Although his expression seems as blank as always, Jeno can tell the hint of expectation on his features—Renjun is waiting for Jeno to say something else or maybe take back what he said.

“I’m sure. Let’s go.”

The boy opens his mouth just a tiny bit; he’s about to say something, but nothing comes out of it. He has fallen speechless, clearly unprepared for this scenario. Renjun stays in silence for a few seconds as he stares at a smiley Jeno while he’s stuck processing what just happened. Then his usual mischievous grin appears on his face.

“Okay, let’s go then, I guess.”

They leave the restroom and start walking through the hallways of the school in silence. None of them says a word—Renjun says that they shouldn’t get caught and unveil his secret hiding spot, but in reality, it seems like he’s just lost in thought like he always is. Jeno keeps trailing behind him like an excited puppy. He can’t tell where Renjun is leading him, but Jeno guesses that this only makes the experience more exciting.

After coming from a door near the dining hall and taking a weird turn in a place that Jeno didn’t even know existed in the entire building, he realizes that they are behind the gym. The spot is clearly hidden, yet it seems like Renjun knows his way around here pretty well. The boy walks like a cat who knows exactly where to step when trespassing on neighboring properties. There is a metallic fence; on the other side, is the street. Renjun finally stops walking, and Jeno behind him immediately stops too.

Then Renjun finally turns around. They are really close, and Jeno takes the moment to notice that, in reality, Renjun is much shorter than him.

Sometimes he can’t believe that this kind of guy intimidates him.

“Now that we’re here, I need you to tell me that you’re really really really sure about this.” Renjun pauses, but Jeno only stares back at him. “If you don’t want to do this, you can go back to class. I won’t get mad, I promise.”

Now, that’s a sudden change in his behavior that surprises Jeno. Renjun is full of surprises—when Jeno thinks that he knows what’s going on, he comes and switches everything, and suddenly the world is upside down. It seems like there’s no way for Jeno to win this.

Like, why is Renjun being nice? Weird . That’s so unlike him. The worst part is that he seems genuine, and throughout all the time Jeno has known him, he has never been this genuine before.

“What are you saying? Why are you being like this?” 

Jeno doesn’t even filter his thoughts when he speaks, and when he starts chuckling, he can clearly see the confusion grow on Renjun’s face. The poor boy attempts to answer, but after saying, “Because I—,” his mouth immediately falls shut. Then he averts his gaze and scratches his head, evidently regretting that he said something in the first place.

“Don’t you want me to be nicer?” Renjun inquires now, in a shier tone.

Oh, that’s kind of cute.

Jeno shrugs. Renjun, in front of him, looks confused.

“Well, let’s go then, I guess. We must jump the fence, though, but you already signed up for this.”

It seems like they are finally back to normal—the two of them have taken their usual roles in the dynamic again. Renjun is currently taking off his school blazer, while Jeno simply stares at him, waiting for the other to tell him what to do. He opens his backpack and puts the blazer in there. Now he’s only wearing his usual gray hoodie, making it seem like he’s not even wearing a school uniform. Jeno keeps staring curiously.

“Why are you doing that?” He can’t help his curiosity and ends up asking him instead.

“Don’t want people to notice that I just escaped prison—I mean, school .”

Jeno simply chuckles before Renjun instructs him to jump the fence. He hasn’t done this before, so he’s not quite sure how to do it, even though he’s kind of athletic. Renjun, on the contrary, seems to have way more practice, as this is something he does regularly. For this reason, he lets Jeno go first to help him as he makes sure that he doesn’t get harmed in any way by the fence when he climbs.

They walk a few blocks with Renjun leading the way. The arcade is not actually well-known since it is a tad hidden, and because of the time, the place is actually empty. It doesn’t matter, though. Renjun says that he usually comes here with his friends after class. The catalog of games is quite varied, so there’s a lot to do if they are only aiming to pass the time with no thoughts in mind.

They play a lot. It’s been a while since Jeno last came to a place like this, so he wants to try everything. But what’s the fun if he does it alone? So he forces Renjun to come and play with him, too, inadvertently turning their outing into a sudden competition. Jeno is having so much fun that he can’t stop smiling, even if Renjun in front of him is scowling because he has lost in the last four games. 

Jeno really likes spending time with Renjun—every time they are together, he has so much fun. For a moment, Jeno wishes to have this for a long time.

Unfortunately, his fun stops the moment his stomach starts growling. They were moving to another game machine when his stomach started making noises, and, apparently, it was so loud that Renjun, who was walking beside him, immediately turned his head to look at him. Jeno is a bit embarrassed, so he lowers his head, missing the faint smile on his face.

“Are you hungry, puppy?” Renjun’s voice is a bit softer than usual. Jeno thought he was going to be annoyed. 

“Just a bit.”

“Shall we leave?” Renjun doesn’t wait for an answer, as he immediately starts walking in the direction of the door. Jeno only trails behind him. He doesn’t know why they’re leaving or where the other is taking him, but he still follows him. Just for today, Jeno is set on trusting Renjun.

Renjun is not really communicative. He doesn’t say much, and he doesn’t speak when it’s not needed. For that reason, he never mentions where they’re going while they walk until he stops outside of a street food shop. There is an old lady behind the counter who immediately offers them a warm greeting. She seems to know Renjun pretty well, judging by the way she smiles at him and says, “Injun, how is everything going?” with a loving tone. 

And Renjun smiles too: warm, genuine; his eyes get tinier, too, and this is the first time Jeno has seen him smile like this. Even his shoulders seem to relax once he takes off his backpack and sits on one of the stools in front of the counter. 

He looks so different from his usual self that Jeno can’t help but stare at him. At this moment, Jeno has discovered something new about himself, and that’s the fact that he loves discovering new things about Renjun and seeing the many sides that he usually keeps hidden.

That’s until Renjun turns around, and his smile vanishes when he looks at Jeno with his usual bored expression.

“Why are you standing like an idiot? Sit down.”

The old lady serves them corn dogs as per Renjun’s request, and while they eat, she gets immersed in a conversation with the other boy. They talk like two people who are used to each other’s presence, and Jeno wonders if Renjun is a regular at her shop. Jeno simply eats and listens—he’s not sure if he should intrude in their conversation until the old lady asks a question, and his ears immediately perk up.

“Injunnie, aren’t you going to introduce me to this handsome boy here?”

When Jeno looks up, the lady is smiling at him, but Renjun replies unamused without even sparing him a glance.

“Oh, he’s just a friend from school.”

A friend.

Renjun just confirmed that they are friends . Jeno wasn’t expecting this, but now he’s unable to contain his surprise and his happiness—his eyes can’t stop smiling, and their crescent shape is stuck on his face. This means that they are closer than he ever thought they were. If they are friends, it means that Renjun likes him.

The old lady gets closer to him and tells him, “Don’t let this little devil bother you, honey. Injunnie hasn’t discovered that he’s a sweet boy yet; please have some patience.” The aforementioned gets visibly embarrassed at her words, but it’s evident that his annoyance is more staged than anything. Still, Jeno can’t process what she’s saying; he's too caught up in the fact that Renjun called him his friend.

“Pup, stop smiling to yourself while you eat. It makes you look dumb,” he hears Renjun mutter, bringing Jeno back to Earth, and the old lady laughs, entertained by their dynamic.

“See? This is exactly what I mean.”

Still, Jeno obeys and gets back to his corn dog.

They keep eating for a few more minutes. Renjun beside him is busy on his phone—it looks like he’s texting someone. Suddenly, his phone starts to ring. Jeno is not sure of who’s calling, but Renjun says something like they should give them a few minutes because they are eating and to wait where they are. 

Jeno isn’t sure of what’s happening, but when they finish their food, Renjun is quick to get on his feet and grab his backpack.

“Come on, we’re meeting someone.”

Something that Jeno has noticed about Renjun is that he is incredibly vague whenever he speaks. Sometimes he would mention these tiny pieces of information, but in reality, they rarely reveal anything. It could be because Renjun is not especially good at expressing himself, but Jeno likes to think that it’s because this way he keeps Jeno intrigued and on his toes, successfully piquing his curiosity.

He doesn’t know who they’re meeting and why—he doesn’t know what to expect, and, for Jeno, that only makes things more exciting.

Before he can notice, they are once again outside the arcade. It must be a little bit past lunchtime, so there’s more movement inside in comparison to when they first arrived there a few hours ago. When they grow closer, Renjun’s face morphs into something akin to recognition, and a slight grin takes place on his features. 

There is a guy their age standing by the entrance of the arcade. It looks like he’s not wearing a school uniform, but the backpack hanging from his shoulder betrays him. It looks chunky, so the most recognizable part of his uniform is more likely to be somewhere in there. He must be one of Renjun’s friends. The guy looks around his same height, and his dark hair is a tad long and flowy.

Jeno stares at the guy cautiously, causing him to notice. When their gazes meet, the guy chuckles. He looks at Jeno like he knows exactly who he is, and that makes him nervous.

“I’m guessing that this is your puppy?” The guy asks suddenly. It’s evident that he’s talking about Jeno, but he doesn’t like the nickname, and he only lets Renjun use it because he came up with it and Jeno is too much of a coward to tell him to stop. He never gave this random guy permission to call him puppy, so he frowns at him. The guy chuckles again.

“Don’t tease him, Kunhang.” It's not a request—Renjun's voice is always too demanding.

“Woah. Okay, buddy,” The Kunhang guy fakes surprise and reaches for his backpack to change the topic. “I brought what you asked for. I’m guessing that you’re sharing with him, right?”

Jeno hates the way he talks like he’s not there. He despises the way he shows that he knows more about Jeno than Jeno knows about him.

“Thanks, man. I owe you one.”

Kunhang opens his backpack and takes two bottles of beer from there, which he quickly hands to Renjun, who is already putting them inside his own backpack. So they will be drinking even after what happened the other day…

Jeno is confused, but he opts to stay quiet. 

He wants to have fun with Renjun today, and he will really hate himself if he ruins things again. The thing that caused their last argument was beer, and now it has fallen from the sky to his hands to tell him that he has another chance to do things right and impress Renjun, and this time he isn’t allowed to screw up his chances or else Renjun will hate him forever and revoke his friendship card.

Renjun must see that Jeno is not a coward who backs down because he’s scared of getting in trouble. He won’t be thinking of those things today. 

They end up in a park in the middle of a close neighborhood. Jeno can’t help but look around, wondering if they should be doing something like this here , but Renjun doesn’t seem worried at all. He says that he knows this place and no one ever comes to this park—Jeno kind of sees it in the way the swing is evidently lacking care, judging by how rusty it looks, and also in the lack of bright green tones in the grass around them. He also says that his friends usually come here after class, so Jeno decides to trust him.

Renjun knows what he’s doing. Jeno will just follow what he says and does.

They sit under a tree. Renjun puts on the hood of his sweatshirt and takes out the bottles of beer before opening one. Jeno quickly grabs it, and Renjun gives him a weirded-out look as he searches for his packet of cigarettes. 

“So,” he starts, holding one between his lips as his hands are busy trying to find his lighter in the pocket of his blazer, “are you drinking today?”

When their eyes meet, Renjun is looking at him with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. It’s a challenge. Once again, he’s being proven, but this time Jeno will do things right, like the good boy he actually is. Renjun is going to be so proud. Jeno doesn’t allow himself to dwell on the way Renjun’s expression makes him feel—like he’s insignificant, a thrill down his spine that triggers his flight or fight response. Jeno always feels this way when he’s with Renjun, but he already committed the mistake of choosing the flight option once. He can predict the outcome. 

Jeno never knows what to expect when he’s with Renjun, but it’s his decision to interpret that feeling as something fun instead of something scary like he used to do in the past. 

“Yup!” he exclaims.

Renjun only scrutinizes him in silence, looking at the bottle in his hand and then at his face as if he were trying to decipher what goes on in his mind.

Unfortunately, there’s not much. Renjun shouldn’t make the effort.

“Hm, thought you didn’t like it,” he mutters, more to himself than anything else. Renjun seems confused, but he’s quick to murmur, “Whatever, I guess,” and take his cigarette to his mouth.

Jeno expected Renjun to force him a bit more, yet that never came. It’s not like it was needed, though, judging by how eager Jeno is. This time things are different—they are not in the third-floor bathroom, even if the situation is oddly similar.

Like that, Jeno takes the sign to take his first sip of beer of the day. It’s still as bitter as he remembers, but maybe it will become more bearable the more he drinks. There’s only one way to find out, and that's by drinking more, so he takes another sip under Renjun’s quizzical gaze. It’s best if he doesn’t stop to focus on the taste, right?

He puts the bottle down and looks at the other boy, who is calmly smoking.

“Can I have one too?” Jeno asks abruptly.

And Renjun just blinks, processing what he just heard. Jeno is staring at him, and he resembles a dog patiently waiting for treats, so Renjun has a hard time denying him something. He takes a cigarette from his packet in silence and hands it to Jeno before moving closer so he can light it for him. 

For the first time ever, their roles are switched. This time the one who looks bewildered is Renjun—a permanently confused expression on his face, like he’s testing the waters but hasn’t concluded anything yet. He looks exactly like a cat when he notices that something is different, and he must be cautious. 

But Renjun can’t be blamed. Jeno knows that this behavior is a tad different from how he usually acts. Deep down, it feels like he’s forcing himself to put on a mask and act out a character just to get another person’s approval; however, he knows that he can endure the process if he knows that the result will be rewarding and he will end up feeling nice.

So Jeno smokes with him, taking big gulps of beer in between each puff. Renjun keeps staring at him, and at some point, he even warns him to be careful. But it’s fine; it doesn’t matter. Jeno has perfect control of the situation.

At some point, though, time starts moving weirdly. If he’s not mistaken, he should be in History class right now, but he dislikes that teacher, so it doesn’t matter. He has all the time in the world to be here, even if he doesn’t know what time it is or how many minutes have passed since they arrived.

From time to time, Renjun takes the bottle from him and takes a sip too. Their mouths have touched the same part of the bottle, and that makes Jeno feel a tad giddy. Renjun wouldn’t do that with someone who isn’t his friend, right? He can tell that Renjun is making a selfish attempt to get control over the bottle, but Jeno always ends up retrieving it again to take another large sip of the drink.

Until there’s nothing left in there, and he looks around confused.

“Hey, where did it all go?” Jeno asks with a pout.

“What do you mean?” Renjun asks in return, placing his attention on the boy in front of him again.

“There’s no more beer,” and he sounds genuinely defeated. His voice is a bit more sulky and whiny than usual. “Pass me the other one.”

His pout gets accentuated, and his frown deepens. Renjun moves around to get the other bottle, but when he holds it, he finds out that it is also empty. There’s not a single drop in there.

“You drank err’thing ” Jeno slurs.

“Pup, I barely had a few sips.” There’s a pause. “ You drank everything. When did—oh, god?”

Now it’s Renjun’s turn to look utterly defeated. He even uses his hands to cover his head, rubbing his temples with the pads of his fingers. Renjun looks like he’s regretting every single decision he has taken today. 

Jeno doesn’t understand why Renjun is acting this way. He must feel really sorry for the lack of beer; maybe he also wanted to drink more. Jeno must comfort him so he doesn’t feel sad, so he scoots closer and pats his back. Renjun finally looks at him.

(Jeno doesn’t get it, but Renjun is asking him what the fuck is wrong with you in silence. If looks could kill, Jeno would be at the hospital right now.)

“ Don’ worry, don’ worry, Injunnie,” he says. “Now smile ‘cause you look cuter when you do.”

Instead, Renjun raises an eyebrow, not taking it.

Jeno feels a bit funny right now. He can’t pinpoint why, though. It’s not like it matters.

“Oh, no no no. Don’ gimme that look.” And Jeno shakes his head too. Now his hand has moved to caress his hair as Renjun stares into the void. “Wah, Injunnie, your silver hair is so cool.”

But the boy pushes his hand away. He’s had enough. One thing is being called cute, another one is being called Injunnie, and a totally different one is receiving head pats. On a good day, he would have given Jeno a free pass to do only one without being yelled at, but today is not a good day, and Jeno did all three of them at the same time.

Jeno is so drunk right now because he’s stupid and he doesn’t have experience drinking, which makes him a lightweight, and he drank incredibly fast too. Oh, and there’s only a single corn dog on his stomach right now—that’s not even a proper meal! Renjun should have foreseen this. Now Jeno has turned into a babbling puppy who doesn’t know how to shut up. 

And Renjun is done. 

He grabs his phone and starts scrolling through his contacts, but Jeno interrupts his train of thought.

“Are you calling Kunhang?” He asks, and Renjun turns around to look at him unamused. “‘Cause I didn’t like him.” 

Jeno pouts.

“Why?”

“ Don’ know…” There’s a pause, and Jeno looks like he’s thinking hard to come up with a reason before he gives up and switches the topic. “How did you meet him?”

Well, there’s no harm in answering this question.

“At the arcade, skipping class.” And Renjun even scoffs, remembering the memory with both amusement and fondness. There’s a faint smile on his face, and drunken Jeno doesn’t fail to notice it. Suddenly, he’s excited again.

If Jeno were a real puppy, his tail would be swinging around right now. That’s for sure.

“There it is!” He exclaims, taking Renjun by surprise. Now there’s a hand on top of his head again, and the boy stares at the human-sized puppy with a surprised expression painting his features. “You really look cute when you’re not annoyed, Injunnie.”

And maybe Renjun should react faster—he’s still holding his phone in his hand with his contacts list open. But they’re so close; Jeno isn’t being careful with establishing enough distance between them, and it’s clear that he’s invading Renjun’s personal space. Still, Renjun doesn’t move. Jeno’s smile is huge—his entire face is smiling. His shiny and a tad unfocused eyes have taken the form of two tiny crescents, and the sweetness they hold is being directed at the boy in front of him. 

Ok, that’s it. Renjun can’t do this anymore, so he pushes Jeno away, making his best effort to ignore the way the smile on his face is replaced by a look of surprise.

Jeno sees him call someone on the phone, but he can’t pay attention to the conversation. He’s too focused on observing the other boy. Renjun looks exhausted, and it makes Jeno feel sad. Is he annoyed because of him? Did Jeno make Renjun feel this way? It makes him feel guilty… After hanging up, Renjun pulls the strings of his hood, hiding his face, before placing it in between his hands. It’s evident that the situation got out of hand, and he would rather disappear right now.

So Jeno makes his best effort not to think out loud anymore, to avoid bothering him.

He was supposed to do this to show Renjun that he’s cool like him and that he enjoys doing all this fun stuff that Renjun usually does with his friends, yet it seems like his plan backfired. Instead of earning Renjun’s endless praise, Jeno is giving him a hard time.

Jeno only wanted to be a good boy…

Minutes pass until a car parks a few meters from them. It doesn’t look brand new. Renjun immediately raises his head and takes the hood of his sweatshirt off his head before turning around to look at him.

“I’m taking you home,” he declares, but Jeno just stares at him in confusion. “Let’s go. I asked Kunhang’s cousin to pick us up. Now get up.”

Well, if Jeno still wants to do well, he must follow instructions, right? So he rises on his feet, but it’s hard to keep his balance. He didn’t notice since he had been sitting the entire time, but Jeno feels incredibly dizzy. The world is spinning, and it’s really hard to walk like this. He immediately gives Renjun a worried look, silently begging for help.

And Renjun can only sigh before taking his arm. 

“Why is the floor moving?”

“It’s not, Jeno. Just walk.”

But Jeno is too distracted by all the new sensations. He only has to walk a few steps, but it’s a challenge, not only for him but for Renjun, who is trying to help him too. Jeno keeps staggering, and Renjun is slowly losing his inexistent patience. At some point, Kunhang got out of the car too, to open the door for them and help Jeno get in there.

“I’m guessing that it didn’t go well,” Kunhang says after everyone is inside the car.

“Can you shut the fuck up?” Renjun is clearly stressed out, and the way Kunhang and his cousin laugh doesn’t help him lessen his irritation. Then he turns around to look at Jeno, who has curled himself against one of his sides. He sure looks like a kicked puppy. “What’s your address?”

“I can give you directions.”

“No, you can’t.” Renjun is quick to cut him off. He’s in a bad mood, and, in Jeno’s eyes, he’s back to looking like his usual exasperated self. He’s harsh and distant, with a cold front shielding him. “Now tell us.”

Jeno obliges.

The car starts moving, and Jeno starts feeling drowsy and lethargic, busy with his thoughts. He can hear the other three having a conversation, but, for some reason, the words feel drowned out when they reach his ears. Jeno can’t pay them attention, and Renjun’s body is warm against him. The fabric of his gray sweatshirt is really soft against his cheek, and, at some point, Renjun has started running his fingers through his hair in a loving motion.

“Are you mad?” Jeno whispers abruptly. Kunhang and his cousin are busy chatting in the front seats, so Renjun is the only one who hears him. When he looks up, Renjun is already looking at him.

His eyes look so tired. He shakes his head.

“No, pup… I’m not mad at you.”

When they arrive at his house, Renjun gets out of the car with him, bidding the other two goodbye. Jeno lives in an apartment, so Renjun accompanies him on the silent elevator ride. Even if Jeno has sobered up a bit, Renjun still insists on opening the door for him, grabbing the keys directly from his hands. His actions are harsher than needed, but Jeno doesn’t complain. He’s aware that Renjun is exhausted and bothered by something—it’s evident.

It seems like putting on his usual mask is already too much effort, so instead, Renjun’s usual bored expression is replaced with tiredness mixed with a sorrowful emptiness.

He follows Jeno to his room, and Jeno wonders why Renjun isn’t leaving yet. Instead, Renjun tells him that he should rest and helps him with his uniform. They both know that it isn’t necessary—Jeno could do this himself with no problem, but there’s something nice about letting Renjun untie his necktie and unbutton his white shirt with a face of full care and concentration. 

Perhaps Renjun doesn’t notice, but underneath everything, he’s extremely caring, and Jeno appreciates it.

While Renjun is busy folding his uniform, Jeno puts on a large t-shirt that he usually wears to sleep and goes to bed. Then, Renjun leaves the room for a minute, coming back with a glass of water that he places on Jeno’s night table.

The entire situation is oddly domestic and intimate, yet it seems like none of them wants to acknowledge it. Jeno feels himself smile as he sees Renjun move so naturally through his apartment. 

“Are you sure that you’re not mad?” He can’t help but ask again, following Renjun with his eyes from under the covers.

Renjun then gets closer to him. Even if he complained that he didn’t like Jeno touching his head before, Renjun commits the ironic act of doing the same. He brushes Jeno’s bangs away from his face.

“I told you I’m not. It’s not your fault, I promise.”

And, for once, he sounds sincere.

There’s a brief moment of silence in which neither of them says anything until Jeno opens his mouth.

“Don’t you wanna stay and take a nap with me?”

He doesn’t know where that came from, but the question is already out.

“I should get going,” replies Renjun instead, quickly grabbing his backpack and sliding it over his shoulder. Then Jeno watches how he turns around. He hears steps and then the sound of the front door getting closed.

Rejection stings. Jeno wanted his warmth once more, but he supposes that it’s fine. He shouldn’t have asked that or raised his hopes anyway. And his eyelids are starting to feel heavy. It doesn’t matter.

🌩️. . .

When Jeno wakes up from his nap with a headache piercing his skull, he is a renewed man. His room is dark and silent, and Jeno guesses that his mom hasn’t come home yet. He takes this moment to think with a clear mind. After resting, Jeno can finally think logically about the events of the day.

And he concludes that he’s the biggest idiot in the world. 

Jeno is filled with a sense of regret, finally realizing his own stupidity. And with every passing second, he feels more and more upset, pondering that it would have been best if he had slept longer in order to avoid reality.

Then he hears footsteps. His mom has come home from the hospital, and even though he would usually wait for her to take a glimpse of her face and tell her about his day, today he pretends to be asleep when she comes into his room. Jeno is ashamed, and he prefers to pretend that he isn’t existing right now.

If his mom asks him about his day, Jeno won’t know what to say. He can’t lie to her, but he doesn’t want her to scold him. They are each other’s only family, so Jeno does his best to make her proud and lessen her worries—she has a lot on her plate working long shifts every day. That’s why he doesn’t want her to discover what happened today; Jeno wouldn’t be able to face her disappointed expression.

If there is something that scares him more than getting on Renjun’s bad side, it’s making his mom upset. Jeno wouldn’t forgive himself if he ever did that.

And thinking of Renjun reminds him of his very own annoyance. Jeno can’t believe the lengths he can go to impress someone. He can’t believe his lack of autonomy, and that makes him feel like a fool. His problem is that he only stops to reflect on his decisions after he has already made a mess.

Staring at the ceiling of his room, Jeno decides that he should stop hanging out with Renjun. This is not because Renjun is a bad influence who is taking him down the wrong path and forcing him to do risky stuff. When there is a bad influence, there must be someone on the receiving end who is gullible enough to follow everything the other person says. Jeno will stop hanging out with Renjun because he doesn’t have enough self-control and doesn’t know how to say no.

That’s the only way to stop himself from making bad decisions again.

He could learn to establish limits and think before he acts, but that takes effort, and Jeno needs an immediate measure that can assure him that he won’t do this again.

Jeno doesn’t trust himself. Renjun isn’t part of the problem in any way. Jeno can't blame him for getting mad after he acted like this; moreover, Renjun was kind enough to take care of Jeno and take him home—and if Jeno focused hard enough, he may still be able to feel his fingertips brushing against the bare skin of his torso. Renjun may be a tad mean and a troublemaker, but he's not a bad guy, and he's definitely not the one to blame for Jeno's own stupidity.

Is there a reason behind his fervent desire for Renjun’s approval, anyway?

🌩️. . .

Jeno does his best to avoid Renjun for the next few days. Well, rather than avoiding, it looks like Jeno is hiding from him, but still—the outcome is the same; it doesn’t matter. He avoids going to the third-floor bathroom, and during recess, he’s more likely to stay inside the classroom or chat with his so-called friends (who actually pay less attention to him than Renjun does). 

This is a decision that he made himself, and he hasn’t regretted it yet. Or so he thinks—listen, Jeno is trying to be strong here. In reality, though, Jeno is scared as hell because there’s no way that Renjun hasn’t noticed that Jeno is running away from him, and if Jeno has learned to read him, then it’s safe to say that Renjun will be mad mad . 

It’s evident, but Jeno keeps trying to convince himself that this is the right thing to do. Whenever he catches a glimpse of that silver hair, Jeno turns around and heads in a different direction before Renjun can see him. Whenever his phone vibrates under his textbook, Jeno ignores it and sets it into DND mode. Living like this was supposed to allow him a much calmer way to spend his days, yet it seems like he’s stuck in this frantic atmosphere as he feels panic bubble up his throat. 

However, making his best effort won’t always ensure that he’s going to be successful; Jeno should know that. Because Renjun is extremely confused and angry, just like he predicted, and he’s also making his best effort to capture Jeno.

Sadly, Renjun is a much more skilled player than Jeno, so Jeno’s plan to avoid him and put an end to their friendship is sadly destroyed before he can even notice.

Jeno can run, but Renjun is faster and more witty than him. It doesn’t matter if he pretends that he didn’t see him because Renjun’s eyes are always set on him. And that’s exactly how he succeeds in catching Jeno.

At one moment, Jeno is walking to his classroom, and then recess is about to end, and there’s a hand gripping his wrist with force and dragging him upstairs. The bell indicates that recess has ended, and all the students are flooding the hallways in a stream of bodies going to the different classrooms. And, suddenly, the third-floor bathroom is empty aside from himself, cornered against a wall, and the boy in front of him.

Renjun is fuming. It’s evident, and Jeno inevitably shivers. This is one of his worst nightmares. He has never seen Renjun’s expression look so stern—all cold eyes, clenched jaw, furrowed eyebrows, and heavy breathing. Jeno wants to look elsewhere, but Renjun’s stare is so imposing that he doesn’t dare look away.

They stay silent for a few seconds. The air is suddenly dense, and the contrast in their expressions perfectly shows who is the prey and who is the hunter. Jeno is so nervous—he knows he did something wrong. He can’t stop himself from fidgeting on his spot and swallowing hard. Renjun’s silence is even more tortuous as he doesn’t know what to expect. It’s intimidating.

Until Renjun finally utters his first words.

“Aren’t you gonna talk?” 

Silence. 

“I asked you a question.”

Jeno takes a deep breath before murmuring, “What do you mean?”

“Were you avoiding me?” Loud, sharp, and accusatory. His voice resonates across the bathroom. It’s a trick question. Renjun knows the answer, but he’s trying to see if Jeno will be honest or not.

No answer.

Jeno is so frightened that he has lost his words, and he’s afraid that his voice will tremble once he attempts to say something. So, instead, he looks down.

“Answer!” But Renjun is clearly not having it, and if he’s usually impatient, today he won’t have any mercy. Renjun will not tolerate his attitude—he wants things to go his way, and Jeno must collaborate so Renjun doesn’t get angrier. He can’t help but raise his voice, and poor Jeno jumps on his spot and meets his gaze again, this time visibly more shaken.

“I… no, I wasn’t,” he stutters. That’s a lie. They both know it. 

Wrong answer.

Renjun raises an eyebrow. The way he looks at Jeno is full of superiority and disbelief, and Jeno feels like the tiniest thing in the world. He feels insignificant, and guilt is eating his insides. He let his own desires win when he shouldn’t have, and now he has upset someone. And when he doesn’t follow what he’s supposed to do, people around him get upset and fight, and he doesn’t like that. Jeno hates conflict. He’s supposed to behave as expected to avoid problems—this way, the other person will have fewer things to worry about.

It’s what worked best for him growing up, anyway. 

“I mean—yeah, I was…” Jeno’s rushed voice doesn’t go above a whisper. “I was upset, so I needed time to think.”

And Renjun scoffs incredulously. Now, his arms are crossed in front of his chest. Jeno can’t see it because his intense emotions prevent him from reading Renjun beyond his staged superiority act, but Renjun is also panicking. He has this practiced expression of control that keeps twitching on his face to make Jeno believe that he has the upper hand. 

“Why would you be upset? Do you even have a reason?” His words are full of venom. Why would someone like Jeno be upset? He doesn’t have any right to go against Renjun, does he?

(He actually has a lot of reasons to do so.)

“I wasn’t upset because of you!— I was mad at myself.” Jeno rushes to clarify, hoping that this can fix the situation. He only wants Renjun to understand him, but he doesn’t know how to express what he actually thinks and feels—Jeno is not sure if his opinions are worthy of being heard. 

Renjun’s angry expression changes. He’s taken aback, suddenly confused at the meaning behind Jeno’s words.

“Huh?” His eyes are wide as plates, and his eyebrows shoot up to the sky.

“Yeah.” Jeno looks down again. Maybe if he avoids Renjun’s gaze, talking will be easier. “Because I don’t know how to stand for myself and set limits, and sometimes I end up doing things even if I don’t want to…” Jeno is now fidgeting with his hands and the sleeves of his blazer. “I can’t say no—I don’t know how to say it or how to see what I really want, and it makes me so mad.”

There’s silence again. Jeno is afraid of meeting Renjun’s eyes, but he doesn’t know that his expression has morphed now into something akin to understanding. He seems to be thinking of something.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice comes out sharper than intended, and Jeno finally looks up.

“I just said that I don’t know how to!”

“Well, you can tell me this sort of stuff, like when you’re unsure or something bothers you.” Renjun doesn’t sound angry anymore; it’s like they’re finally back to normal. Even his posture has relaxed, and now Jeno is finally not cornered against the wall. “I’ll try to understand, and—I get that it’s ironic to say it now, but I won’t get mad.”

“You just got mad, though…” It’s not loud enough, but Renjun still hears him. 

“That’s because I don’t like you avoiding me for no reason. I want us to be friends , pup.”

Friends.

Renjun has finally said it, and this time it wasn’t a mere slip of the tongue. This time he intended on saying the word, and Jeno feels a smile make its way to his face. He’s still a tad shaken, but, surprisingly, Renjun took it very well. Sure, the yelling and intimidation at the beginning of the conversation were unsettling, but now Jeno understands the reason behind his attitude. Sometimes Renjun is akin to a ticking bomb, but this time Jeno feels like he got to stop and appease him before the explosion. At the end, Renjun heard what he had to say and accepted it, and that’s what matters.

A weight has been lifted from his shoulders.

The other boy moves to sit on the sink like he always does and takes a cigarette from the packet he keeps in the pocket of his blazer. 

“I also want to try and be better, you know? I’m aware of my mistakes,” Renjun says. “And sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that; I was just…”

Their discussion took a lot of time. It’s too late to go to class with an excuse that’s believable enough, and if they do, everyone’s attention will turn to them. None of them wants that, so their only option is to stay in the bathroom as time passes. They just made up, but there’s still a somewhat awkward tension filling the air between them, so they simply stay in silence, equally lost in thought.

The minutes pass, and Renjun finishes his cigarette.

Jeno keeps thinking of the last thing Renjun said. It feels weird—Renjun has never been so honest at showing himself, but his words sounded like something he had been keeping for a long time, waiting to be liberated. A hint of raw frustration in them that Jeno can’t help but notice. Perhaps they’re getting closer. 

Always running away from conflict, Jeno has failed to notice that fixing it requires some level of understanding and proximity between both parts, and maybe he and Renjun are just testing their way into achieving it. 

This makes him notice that Renjun is really reserved when it comes to his own life: what he thinks and what he feels. It’s hard for him to show himself that way, but he allowed Jeno to get a glimpse of his thoughts. And now he wants more. They never talk about their personal lives when they’re together, but now Jeno is curious.

If they’re going to be friends, Jeno wants to know more about Renjun.

But the boy interrupts his train of thought with a question, momentarily halting his curiosity.

“What were those things that you weren’t sure of doing?” He speaks like he’s afraid of asking, knowing full well that this is his only opportunity to dive deeper into the situation.

Renjun also wants to know more about Jeno.

He thinks about it for a second. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what the things that bother him are, but he knows that in the end, he always feels like he is part of the problem. While he takes time to think, that awkward silence surrounding them appears again and stays until he speaks. Renjun, beside him, is patiently waiting for an answer.

“I can’t point at a specific thing, but I think the problem is that I can be really impulsive.” Renjun hums and nods in agreement. “I only think about the things I do after I’ve already done them, and I always put everyone over myself, and, in the end, it just feels weird and I feel dumb.”

Jeno is unveiling his insecurities in front of Renjun, who proves to respect his thoughts by not saying anything that may make Jeno uncomfortable. Instead, Renjun makes the effort to listen and give Jeno the space he needs, and Jeno is grateful for that. That’s a new side that he didn’t know Renjun had in him, but, again, Renjun is not a bad person. He might be problematic, but he’s making an attempt to not be an asshole. 

The other boy opens his mouth just slightly, like he’s doubting whether he should say what’s on his mind, but words never come.

The situation feels rather foreign. They just had an argument, with yelling included, that only exposed some sort of asymmetry between them; they solved it, though, after listening to each other—they are still solving it, and to do that, they must lower the walls around them.

Renjun’s current behavior is odd, but it doesn’t bother Jeno. He supposes that it has to do with the tone of the conversation they are having. And Jeno trusts him when Renjun says that he’s also trying to be better. Renjun’s quietness and his suddenly pensive behavior make a lot of sense given the context.

Still, Jeno speaks again to appease any thoughts that have appeared in his head.

“But don’t worry. I like spending time with you, and I like that you show me all this cool stuff.” Jeno smiles at him, always sweet. “I guess I must try stuff out if I want to decide if I like it or not, right?”

And, surprisingly, Renjun finally relaxes. He chuckles, and it’s genuine, and Jeno feels his own smile grow bigger because it’s nice hearing him laugh and seeing the way his expression is transformed all while looking directly at Jeno.

Jeno feels seen. He likes being seen by Renjun.

“I figured. You are always like an eager puppy.” The nickname doesn’t come off as mocking as it usually does. Jeno would have complained either way if it weren’t for Renjun speaking again. This time his voice is lower and surprisingly timid. There’s a faint attempt at a smile on his face. “It’s kinda cute.”

Jeno feels himself blush. He can’t control it, and if this were any other day, Renjun would probably notice and call him out. Today, however, he never does, even if Jeno sucks at hiding his emotions. The tips of his ears are red, and he lowers his head to hide his evident smile. 

Maybe being called a puppy is not that bad if he’s praised, but he will never admit that out loud.

None of them says a thing for minutes, and the way they both are lost in their own thoughts is a tad awkward. Still, when Renjun breaks the silence one more time, Jeno considers that maybe the boy has many hidden things inside that silver little head, as it seems that something is always on his mind.

Unfortunately, Renjun hasn’t mastered the art of being assertive and saying things in the right way. He’s a little inept, and his speech is still a tad rough on the edges in such a boyish way that it shows that Renjun is not one who’s used to walking on eggshells. 

When he speaks this time, he stutters and trips over his words in such an uncharacteristic way that it’s evident that he’s nervous and, for once, he’s not in control. Renjun isn’t sure whether he should say this or not, but the words are already spilling from his mouth. In Jeno’s eyes, Renjun looks so unbelievably weak—not in a negative way—it’s interesting.

“If you, uh, if you really like trying out new things with me, I was thinking that—uhm, there’s something I want to do with you.”

But Renjun is looking Jeno directly in the eye with incredible determination.

“What is it?”

“How do you feel about a kiss… or maybe other similar things?”

Renjun gulps. And Jeno is surprised—Renjun wants to kiss him? Why? Where did this come from?

Still, he thinks about it really hard. It seems like Renjun interprets his silence in a different way because panic is all over his face as he opens his mouth, but Jeno successfully interrupts him once he comes to an answer.

“It would be nice,” he says, and Renjun immediately closes his mouth. “I mean, I do have experience, but barely.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I had my first kiss with my first girlfriend, but I think that was it.”

“Oh.” Renjun pauses, and then, as if deciding to just follow his instincts, he jumps off the sink and walks to Jeno, stopping just in front of him. Jeno stays expectant.

“Then how about doing it now?” His voice isn’t loud, but it still sends a shiver down Jeno’s spine. He’s cornered against the counter of the sink once again, but this time it’s exciting. Even if it looks like Renjun has regained his confidence with that smirk on his face, Jeno decides to bite the bait. His curiosity makes him thirsty, and he’s dying to discover the taste of his lips and how it feels to hold him in his arms.

“Show me what you know.” 

Before he knows it, Renjun is pulling him closer by his necktie. Even if the movement is a bit aggressive, Renjun still stops a few centimeters from his face, as if to tell him that he can back away if he wants to. And Jeno answers him by circling his waist with his arms and joining their lips together. 

At first, the kiss is clumsy. They are testing the waters, getting to know the foreign territory. But soon, they grow more comfortable. One of Renjun’s hands goes to his shoulder, and Jeno pulls him closer. Once they get the hang of it, their kiss becomes softer.

Renjun is the first one to tear himself away, but Jeno takes a second longer to open his eyes. When he does, he finds Renjun’s black eyes staring right at him, like they want to swallow him. He’s so close, and Jeno can’t help but think that he’s really pretty, and it feels really nice to have his body pressed against his own. Renjun’s frame is a bit delicate, and it fits perfectly in his arms. 

Jeno can’t help but stare at his red lips instead, and soon he’s diving again. They are so soft, in contrast to the subtle, bitter taste of nicotine they hold from Renjun’s last cigarette. This time, the kiss feels less experimental and less timid. Now that they have had a taste of the other one, they can’t stop. Their thirst and desire are even more palpable as they move their lips against each other’s, and when Jeno captures Renjun’s lower lips between his teeth, he can physically feel the way he melts in his arms. And that little whimper he lets out only drives Jeno closer to insanity.

Then there's the tongue, and that’s a whole new sensation because Jeno had never frenched someone before. He’s curious, but he’s also eager to learn. His mouth parts, and Renjun licks into it. Their tongues come into contact, and Jeno loves it. It’s crazy how things escalated so quickly, but it doesn’t bother him.

When they separate to breathe, Jeno takes a moment to drink in Renjun’s image in front of him. His lips are red and swollen; he’s regaining his breath and his chest goes up and down. The silver strands of his hair are messier than before. Jeno must look the same, especially because Renjun firmly grabbed him by the necktie, pushing him closer and closer.

“How was it?” Renjun asks—he must be crazy if he thinks that Jeno didn’t like it one bit. “Now that you’ve done it, are you regretting it? Do you think it was a bad decision?”

It’s a trick question. Renjun is taking advantage of Jeno and disguising their impromptu make-out session as an excuse to test Jeno’s ability to establish limits. His own desires are in line, and Jeno fails to notice it, too dizzy by the new sensations. 

Still, it doesn’t matter. There are still minutes left before the period ends and they can go to class, and the talk they had really helped Jeno. He doesn’t answer, though—at least not verbally: Jeno places a hand on Renjun’s chin and places a short kiss on his lips. 

That should be enough.

Everything he does with Renjun is a bit addicting in the end. Perhaps this is not about the experiences they share together but about the person in front of him.

Renjun has crossed the line for the first time.

🌩️. . .

Jeno is not one to deeply think about the things he does. One moment he’s arguing with Renjun, then they are having a heartfelt conversation, and suddenly their lips are caressing each other and all the thoughts fly from his mind. Jeno can’t even find a logical explanation that could tell him why that happened—and just when he was complaining about how impulsive he can be sometimes. His brain got turned off, and Jeno didn’t even consider that this could affect their relationship in some way.

Do friends even kiss each other like that? There was tongue and all that jazz.

Well, he already did it. Jeno prefers to think that it was all for the sake of experimenting and testing his own limits. Days have passed since then, anyway. He’s confused, but not in a bad way, so he can live with it. 

Many things happened at once that day; he can’t process them all. That’s why Jeno will only focus on their heartfelt conversation. He’s not used to having someone who is willing to listen to him, so he doesn’t open up that often—Jeno doesn’t usually share what is on his mind. Now he realizes that doing it brings a somewhat comforting sensation; it’s nice. He feels understood, and he’s glad that Renjun also understands what happens in his head now.

That wouldn’t have happened if Jeno hadn’t taken the chance to be honest.

They haven’t seen each other since then, but Jeno can’t stop thinking that Renjun’s behavior was odd that day. Maybe he’s giving him too little credit—Renjun is not unidimensional, and Jeno is able to see that most of the time that bored expression is a way to protect himself. Still, he was pensive and quiet, and Jeno wants to understand why. 

Renjun is so hard to read sometimes. Jeno is never ready for his next move, but he has discovered that he wants to stay by his side, watching him and uncovering him. This is his own decision, something he’s doing for his own pleasure. 

On Friday, Renjun crosses the line once again. Their distance shrinks and shrinks, and Renjun keeps playing with strings to orchestrate the way their dynamic unfolds. And, to do that, he must take risks, maybe do stuff that he shouldn’t be doing, and cross lines that he shouldn’t cross, messing with the status quo.

It’s afternoon, and it’s been a while since school finished. Jeno is at home, lazing around like he usually does when he doesn’t have pending house chores or homework to do. He’s alone; his mom will probably arrive past dinner time today. He enjoys the calm that loneliness brings.

Until his calm is disrupted by someone knocking on his door. 

Jeno is not expecting anyone today, and his mom didn’t tell him that someone was visiting when he bid her goodbye in the morning. He waits for a few seconds, yet the knocking never stops.

He wasn’t expecting to see Renjun once he opened the door. He looks agitated and unusually skittish, yet the boy is making his best attempt at hiding it. It takes Jeno many seconds to realize why Renjun looks different. He’s not wearing his gray hoodie, even though he always wears it like a second skin. Instead, Renjun stands outside his door in all his thinness—the white shirt accentuates how skinny and small he actually is, and, for some reason, Jeno feels like he’s seeing him bare.

Jeno doesn’t know what’s going on, and it probably shows on his face. 

“Can I come in?” Renjun asks after Jeno doesn’t say anything, successfully bringing him back to reality.

Jeno moves aside, giving him space to come into his apartment. The exchange is awkward.

“What are you doing here?” 

“I just wanted to see you. Sorry for coming unannounced.” Renjun scratches his neck and makes his way to the living room. 

“Any specific reason?”

Renjun stops and turns around to look at him.

“Do I need a specific reason?” He even raises his eyebrow, and Jeno doesn’t find an answer to his question. “Are you alone?”

“Mom should be here around dinner time, I think.”

They sit on the couch, and Renjun leaves his backpack on the floor. Jeno can’t help but stare at him, still wondering what brought him here. This is unusual—aside from the time the boy brought him home, Renjun never showed any interest in where he lived or his life outside school, but now he’s here, sitting so close that their arms are brushing. And Renjun is also in silence, chewing on his lips with his arms closed. 

Sometimes he’s such an enigma. Jeno is dying to know what even happens inside his silver little head.

And, amidst all his staring, Renjun finally looks back at him with a raised eyebrow as if asking him to stop his scanning, and Jeno finally notices the slight cut on his cheekbone. It’s not big, and it doesn’t look severe, but it’s still there, and Jeno immediately frowns, worried. He wants to ask what happened and if it’s related to his sudden visit, but he can’t find the right words.

“Why are you staring so much?” Renjun complains. “It makes me feel like some sort of bug under a microscope. Stop it.”

“Why—uhm, what happened to your face?” Jeno asks instead, pointing at his own cheekbone. Renjun copies him, and Jeno notices that his knuckles are also a tad rosy. And when Renjun finally notices that Jeno is referring to the bruise on his face, he immediately looks embarrassed. It reminds Jeno of a kid who knows they did something wrong but doesn’t want to admit it, hoping to evade being scolded. 

“It’s nothing.”

“Renjun.”

“Someone hit me,” he replies begrudgingly, avoiding eye contact. “But it’s fine because I started it.” The tone of his voice is incredibly nonchalant. Renjun really wants to pretend that this is not a big deal.

Oh, that leaves Jeno even more confused now. What even happened? Jeno can’t help but worry and panic.

“What do you mean?”

“They were saying some stuff that bothered me. I had to do something.” Renjun speaks like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“What were they saying?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

Now, Renjun has fully turned his body around, and he looks exasperated. 

“Because it’s not important!”

Jeno simply sighs. There’s no point in pushing him more; he won’t get an answer, and the only thing Jeno will achieve if he keeps doing that is making Renjun get more and more irritated. If he doesn’t want to tell him now, it’s fine. He can see that remembering the situation frustrates him, so it’s best if he simply leaves it.

(Of course it’s frustrating. Renjun doesn’t like the idea of people talking about him and saying that he’s a bad influence on Jeno. It hurts him—but he won’t tell Jeno, at least not now. Renjun has many insecurities that he keeps hidden. Jeno still has a long way to go before he fully understands him. Perhaps, in the future, they will talk about it. For now, Jeno will wait patiently until Renjun allows him to catch a glimpse of his insecurities.)

“I didn’t know you were the type to get into fights,” Jeno comments with no malice, but Renjun immediately looks down, clearly ashamed.

“I am not…” He mutters.

The air surrounding them is kind of awkward, and Jeno can tell that he won’t get more information from Renjun, so he resorts to changing the topic. Renjun’s bruises don’t look that bad considering that he just confessed that he got into a fight, but they are still unsettling to see, especially for someone like Jeno.

“Does it hurt?” He asks.

Renjun seems surprised at his questions—his lips part and his eyes widen before he regains his composure and shakes his head. But Jeno ignores it, guessing that Renjun is not the type to ask others for help; he’s probably saying no even if it hurts. Coming here and answering his questions as vaguely as he did is probably enough.

He stands up and heads to his mom’s bedroom, where she keeps a first aid kit for emergencies. The least Jeno can do is take care of Renjun right now, considering that he’s at his house. And, when the boy looks at him once he returns, he immediately stiffens in his place.

“I said it didn’t hurt.” Renjun comments matter-of-factly.

“But you can’t go around looking like that. Let me take care of you.”

And that seems to seal the deal because Renjun doesn’t complain anymore. He stays still, eyeing Jeno’s every move as he waits as cautiously as a cat who is analyzing his surroundings. Jeno then opens the box and starts rummaging around until he finds a special ointment and a box of bandages. After that, he turns around, with his body facing Renjun, but the latter doesn’t move.

“Turn around,” Jeno commands, and Renjun simply sighs before begrudgingly doing as told. 

Jeno’s fingers carefully cradle Renjun’s jaw to maintain his head in place, and Renjun stops breathing. He’s tense; his entire body stiffens. Their faces are close, but Jeno is so focused on what he’s doing that he doesn’t even notice the way his breath fans Renjun’s face. And, oh, poor Renjun doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to look anywhere else, ignoring the way the tip of his ears reddens. 

Jeno’s eyebrows are furrowed in concentration as he applies the ointment to Renjun’s wound. And Renjun makes his best attempt at suppressing a little involuntary yelp. Then he takes a yellow bandage with white little stars on it, and Renjun grabs his wrist before he can do anything else.

“What’s that?”

“A band-aid?” Jeno replies in a questioning tone. He doesn’t understand Renjun’s question.

“No, idiot.” Renjun pauses. “Are you putting that on my face?”

Jeno tilts his head, confused, and stares at the yellow band-aid he’s holding. What’s the problem? Of course he must put a bandage on Renjun’s wound. It’s part of the healing process!

“What do you mean? This is what we have.”

“It’s just…” He never finishes his sentence, giving up—his shoulders fall in defeat with a sigh. Instead, he scoots closer to Jeno and even raises his chin as if to tell him to grab his jaw again and that he’s ready. And Jeno finds himself suppressing a smile because that action shouldn’t be as cute as it was.

It’s so cat-like that Jeno has the sudden urge to laugh.

Instead, he places the band-aid over Renjun’s wound. Pale yellow and white little stars on his face—it kind of suits him. 

When he finishes doing all the curations, Jeno stares at Renjun in silence in the same way someone does when they appreciate their own work of art. The other boy simply returns his gaze. Their expressions are totally different: Jeno’s usual subtle smile is dancing on his lips, while Renjun’s eyes are painted with their usual boredom—still, he doesn’t tear his gaze apart. Then, Jeno’s smile widens in the same way it always does whenever he’s entertained with his own ideas. He puts on a fake and exaggerated voice and says:

“You behaved so well!” Jeno exclaims, “I think you deserve candy for being a good boy, don’t cha?

The corners of Renjun’s lips twitch. Unexpectedly, he follows along.

“I think I do.”

This takes Jeno by surprise, and his act immediately falters.

“Wait, I don’t have anything to giv—”

Jeno doesn’t finish his sentence—Renjun interrupts him. He doesn’t know how or when it happens, but Renjun’s lips are suddenly over his in a brief kiss. Everything happens so fast that when Renjun is pulling away and returning to his original position on the couch, Jeno is just processing what happened. There’s a playful glint on his pupils—an indication that the kiss was real.

Renjun just stole a kiss from him, and now he’s acting like nothing happened.

If Jeno looked closer, he would see the red on the tip of Renjun’s ears. 

He’s still a tad dumbfounded when Renjun suddenly rises to his feet and stretches. He’s visibly more relaxed now, and Jeno is glad to see it.

“Can I take on the offer you made the last time I came?” Renjun stares at Jeno from above, towering over him, and Jeno’s lips part.

He doesn’t remember. Jeno has no idea what Renjun is talking about. Sure, he wasn’t that drunk, but he was tired too. He remembers Renjun helping him with his uniform, but he can’t recall if he said anything at all. It seems like he did. 

Jeno blinks at him in silence.

“You don’t remember, right?” asks Renjun now in a firm voice. He presses his lips, and when Jeno shakes his head, Renjun sighs and rolls his eyes. “I want to nap. Can I?”

It’s a bit demanding, and Jeno should feel offended by the tone he used considering that Renjun is a mere visitor, but Jeno is way too accustomed to his attitude by now. There’s no point in saying something—it doesn’t even bother him. So he gets up and leads the way to his bedroom.

Jeno’s bedroom is not exactly big, but it’s comfortable. His twin-size bed might not be enough for the two of them to lie down, but Renjun never complains—not even after Jeno put the blanket over their bodies. At first, Renjun had gone straight to the bed, making himself comfortable there—and Jeno had to suppress the smile that attempted to creep out at the thought of seeing Renjun like this, in a somehow intimate situation—until he saw Jeno standing beside the bed, not knowing what to do. They stared at each other. Renjun was the first to move: he sat up, frowned, and called Jeno over.

“Wouldn’t it be too cramped for the two of us?” asked Jeno.

“That doesn’t matter. We will be warmer anyway.”

Well, Jeno can’t contradict him. He hops on the bed too.

Their bodies are close to each other, and just like Renjun just stated, he can feel the warmth radiating from him. Jeno wonders if it will be appropriate to get closer and drown in it or even touch him in some way, but Renjun is quick to lie on his side and close his eyes, and Jeno doesn’t want to disturb him. As he is not sleepy, he doesn’t close his eyes; instead, Jeno is left alone in his own quietness with his own feelings. 

He stares at Renjun. His slight frown, the yellow band-aid on his cheek. The boy is not asleep yet, and Jeno fears getting caught. He can probably feel his stare—that would be embarrassing. Still, he waits. Jeno avoids making any move that could disrupt Renjun’s peace, so he stays staring and thinking. He wants to know more about him; he wants the boy to let him see what’s behind his front. There must be a myriad of thoughts and fears and meaningless joys underneath that cold and bored expression. Jeno is one step closer—he wonders how many people have had the privilege to lie down in pure and close proximity with Renjun.

Even though Renjun used to treat him like a pet, things have slightly changed now. Renjun has softened a bit, and now Jeno feels like he actually enjoys his company, and Renjun has evidently warmed up to him. It makes Jeno happy.

Some minutes pass, and Jeno can tell that Renjun hasn’t succeeded in his goal of running away from his problems through sleeping.

“You’re awake, right?” Jeno whispers.

“Yes, and if you keep talking, I won’t be able to fall asleep, puppy.” Renjun neither moves nor opens his eyes as he replies. Despite his words, he doesn’t sound bothered at all.

“Why are you here?” 

The question comes out abruptly. Jeno really wants to know why Renjun chose him as the person he wanted to see after a fight. There must be a reason, but Renjun refuses to say it, and it’s killing him. Jeno wants to know. 

“You already asked that.”

And Renjun doesn’t even flinch when he speaks, adamant about keeping his true intentions to himself like he has been doing for a while. Even if his intentions change with time, he still keeps them to himself, leaving Jeno hanging.

“No, I mean—why didn’t you go home? Don’t you think your parents will be worried if they see you get home with a band-aid on your face?”

There’s silence. Renjun doesn’t reply right away. He doesn’t move at all, and Jeno wonders if he said something wrong. Then there’s shifting, and Renjun finally opens his eyes to stare directly at him as he speaks.

“I don’t think they will notice.”

His voice is cold, and judging by the tone, the boy is trying to keep his distance, as if warning Jeno that he shouldn’t proceed and that he should stop there. But Jeno has decided that this time he will push it; just for today, he won’t obey one of his orders because Jeno really wants to build a part of this puzzle.

So Jeno asks another question, ignoring the way Renjun’s face remains as serious as stone. 

“Why wouldn’t they?”

Renjun looks uncomfortable, but instead of admitting that he doesn’t want to talk about the topic, he chews on his lip in silence. Then he comes closer to Jeno’s body under the blanket and positions his head on his chest. Jeno takes it as a sign that he’s silently asking for comfort, so he engulfs him in a warm hug.

“They never do.”

Renjun is being as vague as ever, and Jeno doesn’t know what to say to push the conversation forward. Surprisingly, Renjun himself takes the initiative to keep talking. For once, Jeno doesn’t have to prompt him to expand on what he’s saying, as Renjun is so lost in thought.

“They are always busy, so we don’t talk much because I barely see them.” 

Jeno simply hums. At some point, the hand that is placed over Renjun’s arm started moving in a patting motion. His words make Jeno think: his mom works long shifts at the hospital, but even if she is always busy with work, they make time to catch up with each other and check that everything is okay. Her mom has always been loving to him despite her tight schedule, and Jeno appreciates the amount of effort she puts into everything.

“Isn’t it lonely?”

“I’m used to it,” Renjun replies. “You probably noticed already, but I’m not Korean.” 

He did. Renjun’s friend group is entirely composed of foreigners, so it was hard to miss that detail. Still, Jeno wonders why this is important. Renjun continues.

“We moved here when I was seven because my mom was offered a new job. They were busy adapting themselves to the new environment, so I guess checking on how I was doing was too much work, and it sort of became part of the routine? I don’t know.”

When he speaks, Renjun sounds so lost. There’s something in his voice that sounds so childlike, raw, and desperate, like he’s convincing himself that his explanation makes sense. And Jeno finally understands: Renjun never received support and attention, so now he goes around protecting himself as he’s used to being on his own. 

For a moment, Jeno wonders if Renjun has noticed that he has opened himself for Jeno to see. He’s oversharing, and it’s so uncharacteristic of him, but Jeno doesn’t want to interrupt him. There must be something else he wants to say.

“Maybe that’s why I came—I wanted to feel cared for.” At this point, Renjun is just muttering to himself in a low voice. Suddenly, he wakes up from his reverie, and his voice goes back to normal. “I don’t wanna get all sensitive; let’s talk about you. You are always alone when I come, why?”

“My mom works at the hospital, so she gets home late.”

“What about your dad?”

“I don’t have a dad,” Jeno replies with a chuckle. Renjun immediately looks up to meet his eyes. “I mean, I do have one, but he left when I was a kid. I don’t remember much, but my parents had me when they were really young—they were still in college. They used to fight a lot, so I guess that’s why he decided to leave.”

“Do you hate him?”

Jeno reflects on his question. He has never stopped to think about it—he never felt the need to do it.

“Hm, I don’t think so,” Jeno replies. “I just don’t care about him. My mom did everything for me, so I never needed him. That’s why I love her so much.”

Unknowingly, Renjun finds himself smiling at Jeno’s words. It’s a bittersweet smile, charged with longing and nostalgia, and something that is hard to identify.

“We are so similar and so different at the same time.” His voice wavers slightly and inconspicuously. There’s no venom or anything of the sort in his voice, though. 

They fall silent again. Jeno keeps moving his hand in a soothing motion against Renjun’s body, who at some point has snuggled closer to him. Their legs are intertwined under the blanket, forming a comfortable mess of limbs. It seems like their conversation has left them both lost in their own thoughts. 

There are so many common points in their different experiences, yet the aspects in which they differ are the ones that have turned them into polar opposites. However, people say opposites attract, forming the perfect complement. Jeno wonders if this is their case—do they complement each other or are they the kind of opposites that never reach an agreement?

Jeno’s soft personality is a result of love and being taken care of, and the need to return what has been given to him. If his mom has put so much effort into him, he must not disappoint her to make her efforts worth it. This has stuck with him, shaping the way he interacts with everyone—Jeno is always trying to please the ones around him.

Renjun’s surly personality, on the contrary, is a result of loneliness and indifference, which have turned him into a kid who has no guidance whatsoever. He breaks the rules because no one cares if he behaves or not, and no one has kindly taught him another way. Indifference is worse than being scolded. This has shaped the way he interacts with others—Renjun is always distant.

Renjun breaks the silence once again, in a tiny voice. He still sounds like a lost kid.

“Jeno?” 

It’s weird. Jeno has complained several times about how he doesn’t like being called puppy, yet the times Renjun has used his name are considerably fewer. The shift is evident.

He hums in response.

“Am I intimidating? Have you ever felt frightened around me?”

“Why are you asking this?”

“Just answer.”

Jeno thinks for a moment before answering. 

“You came off as intimidating at the beginning, but now that I know you more, I don’t think so.”

“That wasn’t my intention,” Renjun mentions, looking down. “I mean, at the beginning it kind of was, but not anymore, and I would hate it if you still thought like that.”

“I don’t; don’t worry,” Jeno chuckles. “It’s just… you can appear cold and bossy sometimes, but that’s not a problem, I think. That’s just the way you express yourself.”

And after speaking, Jeno physically feels the way Renjun relaxes on his hold. He looks so relieved after hearing his words that Jeno feels himself smile, even if Renjun never explains the origin of his inquiry. There must have been a weight bothering him, and Jeno is glad to be of help.

Jeno can’t help but voice his next thought out loud, as tactless as he can be.

“Renjun,” he calls first, successfully grabbing the other’s attention. “I really want to kiss you right now.”

The corners of Renjun’s lips curl up.

“And what are you going to do about it?”

“I’m so going to do it,” Jeno establishes. He’s never been so sure of his own desires.

Renjun is still looking at him expectantly. He waits for Jeno’s next movement until the latter holds his chin and angles it to get better access to his mouth. Then Jeno closes his eyes, and soon Renjun’s soft, full lips are over his in all their sweetness. At first, their kiss is slow, lazy, and caring. It’s warm as they embrace each other. Jeno never imagined that he would ever make out with Renjun in his own bed, but here they are, and it feels so natural. Like their lips belong to each other.

They separate by just a few centimeters to breathe. Renjun runs his fingers through Jeno’s black hair and pecks his lips again before Jeno grabs him by the waist to pull him over his body as they kiss again. It’s dizzying—Jeno can feel the lack of space between their bodies flushed against each other, the weight of his hips as Renjun shifts on his place to get in a more comfortable position, his fingers pushing a strand of hair behind his ear until they rest on the side of his neck, and, of course, his tongue caressing his lips to get to part them. Jeno sighs. 

Renjun keeps letting out these tiny noises, and Jeno wonders if he’s aware of the effect they have on him. One of his hands is still on his waist, pushing him closer and closer, while the other caresses his silver hair. At some point, their soft make-out session turned into something more intimate and wetter. Renjun’s kisses are demanding, he likes to take the lead; Jeno simply complies; he lets him do it and follows his rhythm. 

Renjun is now kissing his neck, and it’s the first time Jeno has been kissed like this in his 17 years of life. It sends a shiver down his spine, and he can’t help but sigh at the sensation. Who would have guessed that neck kisses would feel this good? Jeno feels himself melt under Renjun’s touch, and his hands have sneaked under the other boy’s shirt, grazing at the skin of his abdomen. And then Renjun does something, and Jeno can’t help the moan he lets out.

Renjun is sucking the conjuncture between his neck and shoulder, leaving a hickey on his skin. 

And Jeno is so shocked that when the boy finally sits and stares at him from above with bright eyes and a pleased smile on his face, Jeno looks at him with wide eyes. Renjun’s silver hair is a mess, and his lips are red and swollen.

Oh, Jeno likes him so much. He could eat from Renjun’s hand if he asked him to.

“What was that?” He asks.

“I wanted to try something.”

“You could have warned me first,” Jeno murmurs with a blush on his face. Renjun simply laughs gleefully and pecks his lips in a playful way. 

“You can give me one, too, if you want.” And saying that, Renjun unbuttons one or two buttons of his uniform.

This guy is going to be the death of him.

It’s safe to say that this is how they spent the rest of their afternoon. No more words were needed since they had already spoken about everything they could. They kissed until darkness started engulfing the room, and Jeno realized that it was getting late. His mom would be home rather soon, too. 

Renjun rejected Jeno’s invitation to stay for dinner, but he still pecked Jeno’s lips before leaving the apartment. 

🌩️. . .

Once a line is crossed, it’s hard to go back to how things were before. And Jeno and Renjun’s relationship is a testament to that. Even if Jeno is not usually the one who points out changes, he still notices them, and confusion washes over him as soon as he’s standing alone in his apartment.

That was different. There was something different in the air around them, but he can’t pinpoint what it was. 

Jeno is surprised. He has grown closer to Renjun, and their distance is evidently shrinking. The shift in their dynamic is evident in the little details that demonstrate that they are becoming more and more comfortable with each other. On the one hand, Renjun is not as bossy and pushy as he used to be, so that allows Jeno to relax and test the waters by himself: He’s taking the initiative to try new things, and he’s definitely started to listen to the voice inside his head. Today, that little voice reminded him of his own desires and made him act on them, for instance.

It’s a little worrisome, though. That first kiss they shared in the third-floor bathroom at school opened a whole Pandora’s box, and Jeno is slowly realizing that he liked it so much that now he wants to kiss Renjun all the time. The next time they see each other, Jeno will only think of the way Renjun’s lips felt against his neck. 

On the other hand, however, Jeno can tell that Renjun feels comfortable with him because today the boy allowed himself to uncover one of the sides he keeps hidden from the world. And Jeno feels incredibly privileged for that. Sure, Renjun’s behavior was a tad unusual, and he should be worried, but deep down, Jeno loves being the one Renjun trusts the most. Renjun trusts him, and he chose Jeno as the person he would run to after a problem.

Jeno wants to be there for him and make him feel less lonely. He wants to stay by his side if he allows it. 

If Renjun keeps showing him what’s beneath that bored and cold front, maybe Jeno will learn to read him better. The idea excites him. 

Renjun has always been magnetic like that.

🌩️. . .

The next time they see each other, Jeno is nervous. The bell indicating the end of the recess has just rung, and Jeno spots Renjun’s silver head in the middle of the sea of people. The boy is making his way to the hallway that leads to his secret spot—Jeno recognizes it right away. In an impulsive decision, Jeno decides to follow him and skip class, too. He keeps trailing behind him until they turn past the dining hall, and the silence makes their steps echo.

Renjun’s body tenses up. He stops walking, and when he turns around, he’s sporting a cold scowl on his face. If looks could kill, Jeno would be dead by now. Renjun’s expression is so serious that Jeno immediately stops walking too. 

But then Renjun sighs, his shoulders relax, and his expression immediately softens upon recognizing him.

“Oh, it’s just you,” he says. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Jeno chuckles. “Thought I could keep you company.”

They keep walking until they reach the spot behind the gym. They stop in front of the fence, but unlike what Jeno expected, they don’t leave the school. Instead, they just sit and stay there because Renjun says that being locked in the bathroom all the time can be boring too. 

The boy takes a cigarette; this time, Jeno rejects the offer, though. And while Renjun smokes in silence, Jeno can’t stop staring at his lips. They are a bit bruised—Jeno has noticed that Renjun has the habit of chewing on them when he’s focused on something or he’s getting nervous. That doesn’t make them less inviting. The cigarette is now placed between them. Renjun hasn’t noticed that Jeno is staring at his lips, though—he’s looking elsewhere. 

Renjun finishes his cigarette, and Jeno gulps.

On a sudden impulse, Jeno decides that this is the right moment to move forward and kiss Renjun. There are no thoughts inside his head. Renjun did the same at his house, so this is totally fair, by the way.

If this had happened at the beginning of the year, Renjun would have probably yelled at him. However, this time when they separate, Renjun is staring at Jeno with a puzzled expression, and Jeno doesn’t know how to defend himself. He shouldn’t be this impulsive, probably, but he can’t help it. 

“What was that for?” Renjun asks, visibly flustered. 

“I just felt like doing it, sorry.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. It’s just—I wasn’t ready.”

“Yeah, I should have asked you beforehand.” Jeno is looking down, avoiding Renjun’s gaze as he is a bit embarrassed. 

Maybe he shouldn’t have ki—

“I am ready now, though. Come here.”

So they are on the same page. They are finally in tune. Jeno hopes it stays this way for a while. It feels like things are going well for them and whatever they have going on. 

🌩️. . .

Jeno and Renjun fall into a steady routine. Sometimes they hang out during recess and end up skipping class together, or they simply look for each other after the school day ends. On some days, Jeno himself texts Renjun mid-lesson to ask him if he’s bored—Jeno attempts to hide his phone under his textbook, trying not to get caught while the teacher’s explanations get drowned in his ears. Renjun will probably reply to his texts by saying that he doesn’t understand a thing about Chemistry and that science is definitely not his area. And, then, the two of them will leave their classrooms with a poor excuse. Jeno doesn’t know if their teachers are too gullible or if they simply don’t care. It sounds like the second option makes more sense.

Then they have two options. 

Some days, they stay at school. They might want to go back to class soon since they only needed a simple distraction. If that’s the case, they will meet up in the third-floor bathroom and chat together. Maybe Renjun will smoke a cigarette that he will end up sharing with Jeno anyway, because Jeno always says that he doesn’t want to smoke but ends up asking for a puff in the end. If they are really bored, they might make out, too, to pass the time—once, a guy came in while they were kissing, so now they make sure to get inside a cubicle first. 

It was a funny situation. Jeno and Renjun were so immersed in each other that they didn’t hear the door opening until the footsteps grew closer and the intruder cleared his throat—they were blocking the toilet paper holder in the wall. When they let go of each other, Jeno’s eyes were as wide as plates, but his hands never moved away from Renjun’s waist, who simply stared at the other guy and muttered a low “Oh, sorry”—a chuckle caught up on his throat. Then the guy left, and Jeno and Renjun simply stared at each other. The question of what had just happened lingered in the air for a second before they burst out laughing.

Inside a cubicle, things feel more intimate. The space is cramped, so they are forced to be in close proximity. Renjun will make Jeno sit on his lap and kiss his neck while speaking nonsense, and Jeno will like it just because he gets to be close to Renjun and hear his thoughts. Sometimes Renjun says that he wants a car to drive around, like Kunhang’s stoner cousin, and Jeno simply chuckles and says that he can’t get a license yet in return.. 

“And where are you gonna get a car, anyway?”

“I don’t know, but I’d like to go to the beach and take you with me, maybe,” Renjun says. “It would be better than being here.”

But Jeno shakes his head and kisses his forehead. 

“Yeah, it would.” Jeno pauses to stare at him. “And why do you wanna take me to the beach? You want an excuse to see me shirtless, don’t you?”

“Oh, shut up, that’s not true. Now you've ruined my dream.”

When they don’t want to stay at school and instead ditch the entire day, they take their bags with them and go to the arcade. Sometimes they even meet up with Renjun’s friends and spend the entire afternoon playing together. They compete against each other and make the loser pay for their food when they go to the street food shop later, and Renjun always complains whenever he must be the one taking out his wallet. “We aren’t rigging it; it’s just that you are a loser,” Yangyang will say, making everyone laugh.

Jeno likes his friends. They treat him well, and whenever they joke around, he doesn’t feel left out. Also, they occasionally make fun of Renjun, and that’s really fun to see because Renjun has the temperament of a little kid, so he gets extremely sulky, even if he doesn’t admit it—that’s an unusual sight for Jeno since he is usually the one on the receiving end of Renjun’s teasing. Jeno doesn’t remember feeling this comfortable with a group of people before, although he’s aware that they aren’t as close with him as they are among themselves.

He doesn’t stop to think about it anyway. Instead, Jeno focuses on how comfortable he feels around Renjun. The Jeno of the beginning of the year would be so confused if he saw them right now—he used to think that Renjun didn’t really like him, but now they are close to each other, and their established friendship even took a sort of ambiguous turn. But they are fine, and that mere thought makes Jeno smile.

🌩️. . .

Just like everything involving Renjun, things are fine until they are not anymore. 

The shift is subtle. Jeno doesn’t even notice the change at first. It starts with small details, like Renjun not answering his texts in class and then pretending that he wasn’t paying attention to his phone to see the notification. It sounds plausible, so Jeno doesn’t question it. Then Renjun stops expressing his thoughts as nonchalantly as he had been doing throughout the last few times they hung out. He becomes more silent, but Jeno simply assumes that he’s tired or that there’s something occupying his mind. 

Jeno never considers that maybe the distance between them that took so long to shrink is growing big again. The thought never crosses his mind, even though everything points to it. Jeno never doubts Renjun, even if it’s evident that he’s the one forcing them to drift apart.

Perhaps he’s busy, or perhaps he’s distracted by something. Whatever it is, Renjun will eventually tell Jeno, right?

Jeno finally notices that something is weird when Renjun rejects his repeated offers to hang out after class. The boy even says that he can’t wait for the bus with him because he must work on an important project for one of the subjects he’s about to fail and he will get distracted if Jeno keeps him company. And that’s odd, but Jeno never complains because he also has exams coming up, and he must work hard to pass them. 

Unknowingly, Jeno’s attitude was a trigger for Renjun’s behavior. Since Jeno wasn’t asking questions or pushing him to explain himself, Renjun assumed that he had a free pass to do whatever he wanted. And that was ignoring Jeno, who kept thinking that Renjun would come around someday.

But it’s weird. Jeno lives with the feeling that something is missing and that things aren’t right. That saddens him because he wants to spend time with Renjun. And, for a moment, he even feels clingy for thinking that way, especially because he doesn’t know what’s going on. Jeno feels like a lost puppy.

The pieces fall back together when it’s Yangyang who calls him a lost puppy. They are at the arcade, and Jeno immediately frowns once he hears the pet name leave Yangyang’s lips—when Renjun says it, it doesn’t sound bad, but when Yangyang does, it feels absolutely mocking, and Jeno hates it. 

“What do you mean?” He asks in a serious tone.

“You’re always next to Renjun; why are you alone today?”

“I haven’t seen him much these days.” There’s a pause. “I don’t know why, but getting a hold of him is getting harder and harder.”

Yangyang and Xiaojun stay silent. None of them says anything for a few seconds, and Jeno’s words don’t leave his own mind. Did he say something wrong? He’s not the type to overthink, but the thought hasn’t left his mind in days.

Xiaojun is the one who decides to break the silence once his character on the screen dies.

“What do you mean by that?”

Jeno sighs. He doesn’t want to spill his mind, but he’s confused, and there’s no one to hear him.

“I think he’s busy,” he says,unconvinced of his own words. “He keeps saying that he has stuffs to do, so we barely talk.”

Yangyang immediately frowns. He can’t even hide his reaction. 

“Uh, the last time we saw him was two days ago, and he didn’t seem busy or something.” Yangyang sounds as confused as Jeno. “He hasn’t stopped talking to us either.”

“Yeah, but he’s been taking longer to reply to our texts,” comments Xiaojun.

“But he still replies,” argues Yangyang instead.

Still, the details don’t matter right now. Jeno is not stupid, and he can connect the dots. What they are saying doesn’t match Jeno’s experience, so that only means that Renjun has a problem with him . That would explain why he barely sees him at school anymore. Renjun is sneaky like that, and it’s not hard to tell that he’s running away from something. Or someone.

“Uhm,” Jeno calls their attention, and the two boys turn to look at him. “Do you think he’s avoiding me?” 

And Jeno sounds so lost and confused that they don’t have the heart to answer him. Instead, Yangyang and Xiaojun tear their gazes away and frown their lips without saying anything, and, for Jeno, that’s the most hurtful answer he can get. 

He doesn’t get it. Did he do something wrong? Did he say something that upset him? Perhaps Renjun doesn’t want to kiss him anymore—although that sounds like a massive reach considering how much the boy seemed to enjoy doing it. Maybe Renjun didn’t like something he did or said. There are so many options that Jeno can’t sit and ponder every single one of them. He won’t get an answer because he doesn’t know what goes on inside Renjun’s head. 

Just when Jeno thought he was understanding him better and had earned his trust, Renjun comes and does this. It makes no sense at all, and it makes Jeno angry.

It takes him a while to notice, and at first, he feels guilty for feeling like this, but Jeno is angry at this situation. It frustrates him. He hasn’t done anything to deserve this treatment, with no explanation whatsoever. Jeno would understand if Renjun simply told him what happened; he would reflect on his actions and fix whatever he did. The problem is that he can’t do any of that because Renjun hasn’t even told him that he’s upset or something. There isn’t a single hint that could help Jeno. 

It’s hard because Jeno thought they were making progress, yet it seems like Renjun doesn’t want Jeno to get near him, and he can’t understand why. 

He must look for a solution. Maybe if they talk it out, they can solve the problem. That’s what Renjun told him before: he must express himself whenever something bothers him, and that’s what he’s going to do as soon as he gets the opportunity. It’s ironic, though. Renjun should be following his own advice instead of leaving Jeno hanging by a thread.

However, it seems like it’s impossible to get a hold of Renjun. His late replies soon become nonexistent, and it’s hard to spot him anywhere at school. Jeno becomes more attentive and pays more attention to his surroundings, but that isn’t enough because Renjun is nowhere to be seen. He vanished into thin air.

It’s confusing, but Jeno doesn’t give up. He wants to solve this and express what he thinks, even if he must corner and push the words out of Renjun. That’s why he keeps trying—he looks for that silver little head every day in hopes of encountering the boy. He even waits outside his classroom, yet it doesn’t bring any results.

He finally spots him a whole week later. It’s the end of the school day, and the boy is heading to the stairs with his gray hoodie and his black backpack loosely hanging from his shoulder. He’s looking down, avoiding eye contact with anyone who walks by him. At first, Jeno doesn’t recognize him—he even mistakes him for another person; however, his mannerisms are hard to miss. Jeno has spent a lot of time with him to notice the specific way in which he moves and carries himself. Sure, his silver hair might be his most prominent feature, but Jeno thinks he has observed him enough to pick him out in a crowd by the other tiny details that compose his persona, even when his hair is brunette. 

Renjun dyed his hair, and Jeno notices right away.

It’s odd. Jeno doesn’t want to look too deep into it because he has other important matters to attend to, but it takes him aback. It should be an indicator that something happened.

Still, Jeno takes the opportunity before he loses it. Renjun is well-trained to be sneaky, especially in a crowd. He knows how to go unnoticed, so Jeno must get to him before he disappears. He walks in big steps until he can finally stop him by grabbing him by the arm. 

Renjun turns around with a scowl on his face. And when he recognizes Jeno, panic fills his expression for a brief moment before he composes himself again. Then he simply stares at Jeno—cold, expressionless.

“We need to talk.”

Renjun raises an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Well, something is evidently happening to you, and we should talk it out.”

Now, Renjun scoffs, and Jeno feels small.

“I don’t have anything to talk about with you.”

Jeno is taken aback. Renjun is being hostile, and he’s putting an invisible barrier between them. There’s that attempt at pushing him away again, and Jeno doesn’t like it. It hurts, and Jeno’s confidence immediately falters. He hesitates before speaking again. Renjun looks so uninterested that it’s almost hard to read him. It’s like they are back at square one, and Jeno doesn’t know what to do.

He stays in silence for a few seconds, during which Renjun only stares at him from head to toe with a judging look on his face. Jeno can hear him even if Renjun doesn’t say a word. This is the part where he would say, “Well…?” in that obnoxiously self-sufficient tone. A couple of seconds pass, and Renjun turns around to walk again.

But Jeno wants to be heard. He can’t simply let Renjun do as he pleases; Jeno also has a voice, and he can’t diminish it, even if he struggles.

He grabs Renjun by the arm again. Renjun turns around, losing his patience. He’s evidently more annoyed now, but Jeno doesn’t care.

“Come with me,” he says in a firm voice. “There’s something I want you to hear. And then I want to hear you, too.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Stop running away!” Jeno raises his voice, finally succumbing to his own emotions. His desperation is palpable in every phoneme that rolls out of his mouth. And Renjun’s eyes widen, clearly surprised by Jeno’s attitude.

He gulps. Jeno finally cornered him. 

He has reached his own limit, and, for once, Jeno doesn’t hold himself back. He doesn’t have any more patience to deal with this. As they walk and leave the school building in tense silence, Jeno starts getting nervous. He’s slightly scared since he has never stood up for himself, but he must do this. He has the power to fix this problem, and to do that, he must ignore the way his hands shake and his breath gets uneven.

They finally reach the park that’s a few blocks away from their school. They stand in front of each other—Renjun is avoiding eye contact, but Jeno never stops looking at him. Seeing him as a brunette is still a bit weird, but that isn’t important right now. It’s been weeks since the last time they were this close, and the memory evokes a somewhat bittersweet feeling. Ignoring it, Jeno decides that they have already lost enough time, so he goes straight to the point.

“You were avoiding me, right?”

“Why would I do that?”

Renjun is playing dumb, and it’s frustrating because Jeno hasn’t stopped thinking about the way Renjun has been treating him. And he hates it. He hates that Renjun thinks that he can get away with this and just keep ignoring the way Jeno has been hurting.

So he explodes.

“Just answer the question!” Jeno exclaims, and Renjun finally looks at him—he’s chewing on his lip, a clear sign that he’s getting nervous without showing it. “Stop being so damn evasive!”

Jeno’s breath is heavy, but that doesn’t stop him. Renjun is about to open his mouth to speak again and probably dodge Jeno’s accusations with a vague non-answer; however, Jeno interrupts him.

“I’m tired, and I hate that you’re always leaving me hanging. I thought we were getting closer and that we had something going on, but now you’re back to treating me like some sort of pet who doesn’t deserve explanations and who would accept that you do whatever you want. And I hate it.”

Jeno pauses to breathe. His eyes are getting wet because he hates confrontation and is not really good at managing anger. He can’t help but cry whenever he’s upset, so he takes a moment to sniffle. Renjun’s expression has finally morphed into something akin to a kid who is being scolded, but Jeno pays no mind, too busy trying to compose himself.

“I really don’t understand you,” he manages to murmur, “and it hurts me because I want to be closer to you, and I don’t get why you’re suddenly pushing me away—I don’t even know if I did something wrong.”

Renjun can’t hold eye contact as he listens to Jeno’s words. There’s raw anguish in his voice. It seems like he had a lot within him, and Renjun can’t stand it. Judging by the way he glances down in discomfort, Renjun feels guilty, just now realizing how badly he fucked up. Jeno has never been good at expressing his feelings and thoughts—he has never been good at being selfish like that, always putting others before himself. This time, however, he finally understands that he can’t let others pass over him; Renjun also sees it.

Renjun can’t keep running away from his problems. It’s evident that his avoidant tendencies have backfired and slapped him directly in the face, and now he’s cornered. On the outside, he doesn’t do much; at one moment, he opens his mouth, but no words come from it.

“You can be so selfish, running away without caring about what I think. Am I even important to you, or am I just a silly puppy who follows you around and who you can discard anytime you want?”

That seems to break Renjun. Panic washes all over him, and he’s finally speaking, with his eyes all wide and his hands in front of his body. The mask has shattered, but Jeno is too preoccupied with trying to deal with his emotions to see it. 

“Jeno, don’t say that,” is the first thing he says, and his voice wavers just slightly.

“Then why do you treat me like this? I don’t like it!”

“Because I’m scared!” Renjun exclaims, “I needed to push you away just a little. I needed the space to think because my head is a mess.” There’s a pause, and then his voice gets tinier. Jeno listens as patiently as ever. “It’s also hard for me.”

There it is. The honesty that Jeno sought in him. Renjun is vague, and Jeno might not understand what he means entirely, but that’s simply the way he is, and Jeno can’t ask for more than what Renjun can actually give him. Still, he got a somewhat honest response. It doesn’t explain much, though.

“But you know I’m willing to hear you and help you. Just let me in, please.” Jeno’s voice is pleading, and when he utters the last words, they almost sound like he’s begging. He looks at Renjun with his best puppy eyes—something so incredibly forlorn in them. He doesn’t know the effect that they have on the other guy.

“It’s just—” Renjun looks down. He can’t bear to look at Jeno right now; he’s too embarrassed to do so. “I was afraid of you realizing that you need better people in your life.  I’m not even a good friend, and I feel so lost, and most of the decisions I make don’t make sense, and everyone says I’m a problem child. You wouldn’t want to be dragged into this mess… You need people who help you grow, you know? And it hurts because I like you so much, so I tried to push you away before you could do it first…” There is a pause, and then his voice comes out small, barely audible. “I want to be better, but I can’t because I don’t know how to.”

It doesn’t make sense. Renjun doesn’t even sound sure of what he’s saying, even though he’s rambling. He just sounds lonely and desperate and, especially, incredibly lost, like he doesn’t have any clue about where he is right now. In front of Jeno, there is a kid who is in need of guidance but who keeps pretending that he has everything under control and can face everything on his own when that’s clearly not the case. Perhaps his bossy attitude was a way to balance his internal turmoil and pretend that he still had control.

His words do put things into perspective, though. Now Jeno is sure that his impressions were not mere hypotheses, but that he had been right about Renjun all along. Indeed, there was something behind his bored eyes. He had all those loud thoughts locked up inside that vessel that is his head, where no one but him could reach them. Underneath that cold and distant front, there was a lonely and scared kid. 

Still, Renjun opened up. He complied with his request by letting Jeno in and allowing him to see what was inside his head. Some of the thoughts that kept bothering him were laid out in front of him for Jeno to see, just like he wanted. Because, despite everything, Renjun trusts him.

That doesn’t mean that he isn’t wrong, though.

“Who are you to decide that, though?” When Jeno speaks, Renjun finally looks at him. His eyes are a tad shiny, too. “I think I have every right to decide who I keep around me, and I want to learn how to make my own decisions too. And I know that I want to spend time with you.”

Renjun simply blinks at him before speaking in complete disbelief. This isn’t going the way he thought it would. Why is Jeno always messing things up for him?

“You’re saying nonsense,” he deadpans.

But that doesn’t stop Jeno from taking his hands and looking at him with warm eyes. 

“No, you’re just mad I’m not doing what you want,” he says. It’s meant to be a joke. “I know you feel lost and everything, but I don’t think that’s enough reason to stop hanging out. I think that’s normal. We just turned seventeen; we’re not supposed to have our entire lives figured out, you know? You talk like it’s the end of the world.”

“I guess you’re right,” but Renjun doesn’t look convinced yet. There’s still confusion on his face, like he doesn’t know what comes next. Sure, they talked their issues out, Renjun opened up, and now the both of them know how they feel, but what now? That doesn’t fix much, apart from their evident lack of communication. That only puts them on the same page.

Still, Jeno adjusts his hold on Renjun’s hand to intertwine their fingers. Then he starts walking, signaling that he thinks the argument has finished. Renjun simply follows along, trailing beside him as they walk to the bus stop. Today Jeno is oddly talkative; he must be excited because he keeps rambling, and Renjun simply nods his head at the things he says. Because when Jeno speaks, he makes everything seem so simple and insignificant, and it actually disentangles the threads in Renjun’s head, allowing him to look at everything from a different perspective.

“And if uncertainty bothers you, we can grow together and help each other out. You actually did that already.”

“When did I do that?”

“You made me realize that I actually need to speak up sometimes, and you gave me the push I needed.”

“I didn’t realize…”

“See? You’re not as bad as you think you are.” Jeno chuckles, and his hold gets firmer. “You can lean on me, too. You won’t need to try to figure things out on your own if you let me stay beside you. As long as you let me.”

For Jeno, spending his time next to Renjun and allowing him to lean on his shoulder is his biggest expression of love. This is what he has to offer. There’s still a long way to go to understand him and every thought that crosses his mind, but Jeno is willing to wait by his side because he wants to. Now, at least he knows that Renjun has granted him the permission necessary to see what’s inside him. 

They can grow together slowly and firmly as long as they have each other and listen to what the other has to say. But in order to listen, they must communicate and express themselves. That’s the only way in which they can mutually understand each other. Now Jeno knows that he can express himself without feeling afraid, and he wants Renjun to feel the same. They shouldn’t feel that way about what they think and feel; there’s nothing to be afraid of. That’s the first step, and they are finally on the right road to securing it.