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“Don’t worry, Aqua.
You have for a long time, right?
I think you are far more capable than feeling just that, if something like that is okay for me to say. I see it in you, Aqua… The feelings that you thought you wanted to bury were actually something you longed to feel, and it was evident to me.
But had you even explored the wish of being happy, you would disregard the things that made you so. You don’t see me as a woman because you can’t fathom the thought of your own mind turning away from what you had forced it to settle on.
…If I accepted that, I would’ve been very hurt right now,” She paused, as if to think, and then laughed. “I mean, I am, but that’s also why… I want to do this.
I realized it a very long time ago. If there was a way to make it just a little more obvious, it would have been you saying it with your own words. Perhaps you didn’t realize it yourself, but I couldn’t have been the only one who has. Aqua-kun… You’re in love with Kana-chan, right?
You could never bring yourself to love me, Aqua. Even if you were able to be free, if you could stop tunnel visioning. But, the day that your dream comes true, I don’t want you to worry the moment it happens. I’m telling you this… Because I know you have been facing your guilt alone.
I want you to be happy.
That’s all I have ever wanted you to be.
So, I wanted to tell you this, now. In case something goes wrong, and I disappear. There won’t be any unanswered questions left by me.
I wish I could have put it into words the night you asked me. I tried as hard as I could to find the right feelings, so that I could confirm that the way I felt was what I hoped it to be.
And if I really die tonight, at the very least… I could help leave you an answer.
There is no one in the world that I love more than you, Aqua.
It’s okay if you don’t see me as a woman.
It’s okay if you love Kana.
It’s okay… if you can’t love me.
Everything will be okay, so please live for yourself.
Goodnight, Aqua-kun.”
The soft buzz of the cassette player that Aqua searched for by rummaging through several of Gotanda’s drawers, only to find them under a pile of books, came to an end that followed by a click.
It was hardly in top condition, as it had ejected the cassette tape the moment it had finished playing without Aqua having to click the button. Akane’s voice had been fuzzy at many parts, even cutting out momentarily at others.
The silence that was disturbed by Akane was now deafening, filling the room. Aqua was frozen still, waves of dread washing over him.
…As if that experience was new.
Picking up the tape with shaky hands, he unsteadily pushed it back into the player. Her voice began to play again, the soft buzz drowning out the first part of her words.
“—Aqua. You have for a long time, right?”
He had been replaying it over and over again for the past hour and a half. Whatever light had crept into his room had come in through the crack underneath his door.
“You are far more capable than feeling just that…”
He lay on his side, eyes never withdrawing from the player. Within his unconscious grip was a handful of his own bedsheets, the ones that lay beneath him.
“…it was evident to me.”
His teeth grit, his eyes shutting tightly. Why did she go out there…?
“…You would disregard the things that made you so.”
He rolled over, facing the mess of a room that he resided in. Knocked over shelves. Torn out pages from books. Empty water bottles. A destroyed GPS tracker.
“Aqua-kun, if I accepted that…”
“Fuck..! Get out the way!” The blond thrashed around, held back by two police officers. His strength was nothing compared to them, but his anger refused to allow him to stop fighting back.
“I would’ve been very hurt right now.”
“S-Sir!” One of the officers raised his voice. Aqua yanked his elbow forward, then sharply brought it back to the stomach of one officer. The other officer reached to grab his loosened hand, but Aqua spun in the same direction. The officer let go with a grunt and Aqua pushed him back, his own body stumbling backwards.
“That’s also why…”
Quickly regaining balance, in a blindsight of panic and fury, he brought his legs up and ran towards the safety workers that surrounded the same location he had been running towards, laying at a standstill on his phone.
“I want to do this.”
Aqua hastily pushed aside the panicked workers to be greeted with the sight of red.
“If there was a way to make it just a little more obvious…”
He breathed out, condensation forming in front of him just to quickly dissipate. Then, after that long slow breath, his breathing began to accelerate. His vision became blurred as he reached out to the blur of crimson.
“Perhaps you didn’t realize it yourself…”
Aqua dropped to his knees, scrambling on his hands to reach it. The warm pool embraced his fingers, staining his clothes, gently splashing further out onto the pavement. Everything was incoherent to him, a ringing suddenly building up to a great, loud noise, playing in his head.
“I couldn’t have been the only one who has.”
He brought his hands up to his eyes, trying to see the red more closely. After all, that loud noise…
“Aqua-kun…”
Was the sound of his own screaming.
And as his hands came into a clear view, the world that he had hopelessly prayed to be a dream surrounded him like reality.
“You’re in love with Kana-chan, right?”
“Akane…! Akane!” He choked out, practically crawling to her. His legs kicked off anyone that had even dared to reach out to him.
And vaguely, he could hear… “Let him… That’s his girlfriend.”
“…you could never bring yourself to love me, Aqua.”
“I’m here— Akane, I’m right here…!” Then, he had realized… Looking around, “Someone, do something! Why are you all just watching?!”
It was standard procedure. He remembered that much from a past life.
“…if you could stop tunnel visioning.”
“I’m sorry, kid.”
“But, the day that your dream comes true…”
“She isn’t with us.”
“…”
Aqua reached for the cassette tape and clicked the eject button himself. And for the very first time since he had witnessed his own mother leave the world,
he cried.
The house was quiet and there were no knocks at the door. He hugged his knees tight, and in a fetal position, cried like a baby.
And even though he had taken the tape out, he could still hear her voice.
“I know you have been facing your guilt alone.”
“Akane,” he sobbed. “I’m sorry. Come back, Akane.”
He knew it all too well, though, that a world like that was in a dream. And the fact is, Akane Kurokawa had died believing that Aquamarine Hoshino never loved her.
“I want you to be happy.”
Aqua did this to her. He was the one that killed her. He should have left the house as their call ended. He brought her into his plans with his own hands.
He made a promise to protect her.
“There is no one in the world that I love more than you, Aqua.”
He knew that she was only going to get closer.
“It’s okay if you don’t see me as a woman.”
But he never pushed her away, even if he had the chance to.
“It’s okay…”
And that was the reason why Akane couldn’t understand Aqua in his entirety.
Because he told her that he didn’t see her as a woman. He told her that their relationship was just for work. He told her he deceived her.
“…if you can’t love me.”
He never told her that he loved her.
“Everything will be okay, so please live for yourself.”
“It’s not true, Akane,” his voice cracked, “I love you…
…I love you.”
“Goodnight, Aqua-kun.”