Chapter Text
James sighs and takes hold of his suitcase following the crowd of people to the train. He will never understand why everyone rushes they had only just been told where to go. Finally after a little bit of struggle he found his seat and all he could think was thank fuck he was finally going home. Don't get it wrong there wasn't anything wrong with Paris, really there wasn't, it was a stunning city and at one point if you had asked him the reply would have been it's home away from home.
Staring out the window watching the final people board the train he suddenly hears shuffling beside him as the person takes a seat. Completely forgetting that he would most likely have someone sat next to him he looks up out of curiosity. The man is looking down at his phone not taking any notice of him but James feels his throat tighten and his heart start speeding up.
James blinks, then blinks again hoping this is just his mind playing tricks. But no it isn't, he knows this man, at one point he knew this man better than anyone. He knows he shouldn't keep staring but he can't help it. The man still hasn't looked up and to be honest James is scared for when he does. Surely this man knew who he was sat next to. Then again maybe he didn't realise it had been ages. However James is sure his appearance hadn't changed that much over the last few years. But then again what was there for him to remember. I mean it seemed so easy for him to just walk away so why would he remember. James doesn't know how long his is looking at Regulus but somewhere in between all his thoughts he is now staring at those beautiful grey eyes.
Oh. This is much worse. He can feel is heart speeding up even more if possible and he can feel all his nerves vibrating inside.
"Hi" Regulus speaks first.
"Hey" James replies. His throat still feels like it is being suffocated and he finally manages to move his eyes away to stare at the back of the chair. It's suffocating for the both of them.
To anyone else Regulus looks all calm and composed but that's not the case at all. His brain is getting hazy and he subtlety pinches the side of his thigh as if the pain is going to help with the panic that's starting to settle in. He didn't look at who was in the chair next to him to busy replying to Barty. He wishes he had now, maybe he could have ran away. That's what he does best.
Neither say anything to busy trying to find a way to cope with this, somewhere in the mix of everything else their brains registers that the train has started to move. Okay only 2 hours and 20 mins to get through it can't be that hard they both think. If only they knew.
Regulus speaks up first his accent stronger than before " how have you been?" He sounds unaffected by the situation but then again he has always been good at pretending.
Such a simple question really but James tries hard not to flinch and all he can think is just me struggling then. His voice. He missed that voice "I've been good you?" He manages to get out hoping that he sounds the same. Unbothered.
"I've been good thank you" Regulus replies in the same tone as before whilst pinching his thigh for like the tenth time. James isn't the only one who has missed the others voice. It's bringing up memories Regulus has been trying to forget for the last three years. He looks back towards James, watching him this time. He is sat leaning back holding onto both his knees which are slightly apart. Regulus notices the slight tapping of James' left hand against his knee. He is anxious. He always used to do that when he was anxious. Regulus thinks it's better not to mention it.
James still can't bring himself to look back at Regulus but he can feel him staring. He always could feel when Regulus had his eyes on him. This is different though, it's not like it used to be and it's not fair, he doesn't ever think it will be fair. He keeps replaying the "I've been good thank you" in his head and of course he has been. He was the one that walked away, he was the one that gave up and now James has to sit here and act like the last three years have been great. That's not the reality at all. He lied, of course he did.
Regulus doesn't think he can cope with sitting in silence for the next two hours. He knows it isn't fair but he wants James to look back at him. He knows he caused this but fuck that doesn't mean he didn't miss him. If he could rewind back to that day he would but he can't, so selfishly he is going to take what he can on this short journey. He isn't going to beg for forgiveness or chase him now his moving back he fucked his chance up he knows that.
"How has everyone been?" Regulus finally brings himself to ask another question. He feels kind of stupid to ask as he already knows about everyone else. I mean his still in contact with them all. But he didn't know what else to say. James finally turns his head towards him with a confused look on his face. "They are all great." He pauses for a second mouth slightly moving as if he was going to speak again. "I thought you were still in contact with them all?" James questions. Slightly confused why Regulus is asking I mean he definitely still talks to everyone. So why bother making conversation especially when James doesn't think he can cope with it all.
"I am" Regulus says softly. Finally moving his eyes to the front of him whilst taking a breath. He can feel his heartbeat start to pick up again. He should have gone with a different question, or maybe he should just stay quiet. He feels like an idiot for trying to start a conversation but he can't help it, he never could when it came to James. He might of put himself into a sense of denial thinking he would be able to avoid James even though they share the same friendship group. He really couldn't of come up with this scenario. He wasn't prepared at all.
James is still confused and stressed. His throat still hurts from the pressure and his pretty sure he has sweat patches from the amount of anxiety this is causing. He leans forward to grab his water bottle from the bag in hope that it will help relieve the tightness that's been there since he saw him. He doesn't really know what to do at this moment in time. Half of him wants to get up and run the other wants answers to all the questions he never got to ask before everything he ever wanted fucking shattered. No matter what out come all James really wants to do is cry, secretly he wants Regulus to comfort him like he used to and tell him it's all okay and that they were all okay. He knows it stupid, he does, he really does but 10 years with this man and then an out of the blue breaking up was never an outcome he imagined. He is still stuck there every time he closes his eyes.
He takes another sip and looks at his watch only an hour and a half left. He can do this. Maybe a bit of small talk will help pass the time he is very much intrigued to see if the job was worth it. He needs to know that everything he lost was worth it and that Regulus is happy even if it isn't from a life with him. He knows he will never stop loving this man as much as he pretends to everyone else he has. So he asks the question this time "What has it been like to work for Elle?"
They both know what he is actually asking and it's not really the job offer or the moving to Paris for it. It's about whether he is happy with the choice he made. James doesn't really know if he is ready to hear the answer even though it might give him some closure. Regulus whips his head towards James shocked that he is even speaking. He is staring again but this time James is looking right back at him. He can see his face properly again the slightly bushy eyebrows that are perfectly shaped and those warm hazel eyes. Beautiful. His eyes trial to his nose and then lips but not for too long as he thinks about how that's not appropriate. He glances to his hair so dark it almost looks black but still so soft, he wants to be able to run his hands through it again. It's a little longer than it used to be however it's frames his sharp jawline perfectly, he pulls it off. James can pull anything off it's annoying really. No glasses today, must be wearing contacts. Regulus thinks his might have been silent for to long as James' face looks slightly confused for a second.
"Couldn't ask for a better job really it's what I've always wanted to do and we'll Paris you know it's... it's Paris" Regulus forces a small smile. He doesn't add on that the only thing that is missing is James. He didn't add how even though they both used to to say it's home away from home it's not felt like that once since he has been there. However he is not lying about the job it really is his dream one. The main problem is jobs are not the only thing to make you happy and well he gave his up. Things just don't feel quite right when he can't come home and share them with James.
James notices the forced smile but doesn't react to it. He is so happy that's Regulus loves his job but at the same time it hurts. He wants him happy he does, doesn't mean it can't still hurt him. " Thats great, really great you deserve it you have always been amazing at what you do Reg" James gives him a smile, he really is proud of him. Regulus winces a little at the name and James notices. Confused for a moment he then back tracks to what he said and shit why did he call him that. He can't remember the last time he had used it, and Regulus can't remember the last time he heard it in that voice. Fuck he misses him.
He swallows before speaking " thanks and you how comes you are in Paris?"
"I went to check out a few places to expand the bakery. Mary thinks it's a good idea." James gives a small smile at his own achievement. Regulus gets lost in the moment and smiles back in awe seriously no one deserved this more than him. His eyes soften and take in every part of James' face as he responded. "That's incredible James, really I mean your baking is exceptional so it's not too shocking but I know how hard you worked for this. Congrats." James getting swept up in that old familiar look and those sweet words replied jokingly "Compliments what did I do to deserve those?
"Very funny James it's not the first time I've ever given you one" Regulus responds playfully with an eye roll.
Out of nowhere he suddenly picks up on what Regulus has called him.
James
James
James
It wouldn't be a problem but he has never called him that.
James
James
James
It is silly really what else should he expect. I mean it's his name and things are not like they used to be. Doesn't make it sting any less. I mean of course it was James who messed up and said the wrong name and of course it's him fixating on this fact. But Regulus didn't even stutter or pause before calling him it. As if it was normal. It wasn't, well it never used to be.
How could he be so stupid even if it was for a second, how could he let himself get so caught up with that look and his voice and fuck he shouldn't be like this still. It's just the way he said those things and the look on his face. If it wasn't for the wrong name he wonders how long it would have taken him to realise the situation.
"Excuse me" james stands up and regulus barely has time to move out his way.
For a moment he is confused as to why the sudden change but then it hits him to. Old memories fill his head like a little slide show of better times and the only thing he can think of is no not James it used to be mon amour.
Regulus looks at his watch and sighs. One hour left. He really doesn't know how he is going to get through the rest of this train ride.