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“...But as he came to his wits and regained his senses, he got up from his desk and stepped out of his office.”
Stanley would not do that. Instead, he decided to do the one thing he hasn’t done since this whole mess started…
Use his computer.
… E …
… N …
… D …
“I’m sorry, is there a problem? Normally you would have gotten up by now. We have a story to get to, you know!”
Stanley couldn’t have cared less about the story. He was currently undergoing his own experiment, and he needed to concentrate.
… 1 …
… 5 …
“If you’re doing this to spite me, I do not appreciate the gesture. Or maybe the cutscene has looped? Oh heavens, that won’t do. That won’t do at all.”
…
Seems like it left to ‘fix’ the ‘bug’. That was good, unless it decided to reset to get everything back to normal, in which case Stanley would probably scream. Er, his closest approximation to that, at least.
… N …
… E …
… V …
… R …
…
“I’ve just checked, and you are absolutely doing this on purpose. Why? Are you that bored with my story that you’ve resorted to endlessly pressing keys to stimulate enjoyment? Or perhaps you’re still holding out hope for your coworkers returning, and continue to press these buttons without a prompt to make someone come for you. That is… alarming, to say the lea-”
Once the prompt showed up, Stanley would be home free. If he had done this right, he just needed to do one more thing…
… ! …
Press ENTER to Open Your Computer
Jackpot!
“Wait, hold on a moment. How did you manage to do that?!”
Stanley had gotten the idea to mess with the computers around his fifteenth run through the office, and had even managed to trigger an ending (?) with a room full of buttons, but hadn’t really felt accomplished afterwards. At least, not until he had found a monitor (behind a closed door of course, boo) with a password screen on it. That gave him a goal, which… had been impossible. If he even attempted to use his computer at all , it would have sent him back to that “Button Heaven” that just made him feel sick.
So, that was a no-go. You know, until he kept going back there to annoy The Narrator and provoke them into getting rid of it.
(It worked, of course, and he was elated at the time, but he still felt bad about it. The Narrator doesn’t need to know that, though.)
After that, however, he still had one major obstacle to face: Stanley had forgotten his password! Shock and horror!
Well, given that his computer didn’t actually open up to a password screen anyways, it was starting to look more and more like Stanley just wasn’t tech-savvy enough to figure it out. However, given the lax stance the office had on common sense, it could still work. And what's more, eventually Stanley found a piece of paper with a password on it in the break room underneath the vending machine!
(Don’t ask what he was doing looking under the vending machine, you would probably do that too had you been forced to go through a story over and over again for eternity. Don’t judge him!)
It had taken him a couple of tries, considering the fact that whoever had written the passcode used nearly indecipherable cursive font (though that would help with keeping the passcode a secret now that he thought about it) but he had just gotten through! The world was his oyster now!
Okay, maybe that was an overstatement. Still, new opportunities await!
Speaking of statements, The Narrator was still waiting for a response. Stanley decided to keep it succinct.
Press Q to Tell Him You Were Just Bored
“...You are insufferable.”
Looking back at the screen revealed a desktop (shocker) with the wallpaper being an image of… a desk. Hooray.
Well, it wasn’t just any desk actually. It just so happened to be Stanley’s desk, from right in front of the monitor itself. It would have been more creepy had the situation been different: more accurately, if Stanley hadn’t been trapped in a never ending loop of sorts for what felt like eternity. Still, he doesn’t think he would take a picture of his own computer to use as his desktop background.
He hoped that he wouldn’t do that. That’d be weird, even for this place.
Although, if this were someone else’s login, that wouldn’t be any better. That’s a total invasion of privacy; it was socially unacceptable and creepy, it was-
“Hold on a minute… That’s my desktop!”
Totally something The Narrator would do.
Yeah, that checks out. Still not a cool thing to do, but Stanley knew The Narrator well enough to know that those sorts of boundaries weren’t exactly something they knew all that much about. He’d have to fully discuss this behavior eventually, after The Narrator stopped stammering and sputtering, but not today. Whether or not that was a good idea would be something Future Stanley could deal with. No, Present Stanley had much more important matters to attend to. After all…
If what The Narrator said was true, Stanley would quite literally be able to bend the world to his whims.
Perhaps that ‘overstatement’ from earlier wasn’t quite as far-fetched as he’d thought.
“Stanley, I know you well enough to know what that face you’re pulling right now means. I can read you like an open book right now, and I’ll tell you right now that whatever you’re planning will not work.”
That’s just what he says. His plans have failed in the past, and he wasn’t about to-
“The files are password protected, Stanley. Just letting you know. And before you say it, no, it is not the same password you used to access my desktop in the first place. I at least have some computer literacy, given that I literally made everything here with one.”
Oh. Of course. The Narrator just had to take the fun out of everything, didn’t it?
“Oh, don’t give me that look. Do you even know what you would have done to the game if I hadn’t been diligent enough to password protect it? You don’t even know how to code anyways, you wouldn’t have gotten anything from that.”
He didn’t know that.
“...”
…Okay, maybe he had a point. Stanley wasn’t ever gonna say it out loud though.
“Well, if you’re quite done now, do you mind leaving your office and continuing on with the story? It is crucial that we continue so you can find your-”
Press B to Ignore Them
“Wagh- Stanley! You can’t just deny the story entirely! You know, I put a lot of effort into this and if I’d known that a simple desktop excited you that much I would have just-”
Press B to Ignore Them
“I swear, at this point I’d rather be talking to a metal bucket than you. At least the bucket wouldn’t sass back as much as you do.”
Hypocrite.
There weren’t very many icons on the screen, and even fewer (well, none) that actually looked interesting. Most were just standard issue, run-of-the-mill stuff every computer has, including oh-so enticing options as ‘Settings’ and the ‘Recycle Bin.’ Riveting stuff, really.
“What’s that look for, Stanley? Are you already bored of looking through my personal computer desktop- that you should not have access to, in case you forgot? For clarity’s sake, do you mind telling me what you were even trying to accomplish in the first place?!”
Press I to-
“Actually, scratch that, I don’t want to know. Frankly, it’s a wonder you even made it so far in this company given that you’ve just been staring at the screen for the past few minutes. I’m now beginning to think those insults I said back in the - ugh, broom closet - weren’t too far off from reality.”
Okay, since The Narrator wanted to be petty about this, Stanley could absolutely do the same. The Narrator could be stubborn, but Stanley knew exactly how to push his buttons. It’s what he did best, after all.
Stanley’s gaze fell onto the taskbar, where a set of icons sat that read
Tunes
Games
Storage
Characters (Models)
and
which intrigued him greatly. Stanley assumed that the “Games” folder contained the other places behind the blue door, and all the other files seemed pretty straightforward in their contents, but what really intrigued him was the folder that was simply labeled “Tunes”. The Narrator hadn’t ever commented on the music of its game, which was strange given how frequently (and unapologetically) he’d praised almost every other aspect of the game. They just never had that talk, apparently.
He found himself hovering the cursor over the “Tunes” folder, debating on whether or not to click, when The Narrator spoke up.
“Ah, I see you’ve finally decided on an option. I was genuinely wondering if you just didn’t know how to operate a computer, which would be embarrassing to realize after all this time.”
They just never knew when to shut up, didn’t they?
“And a fairly unobtrusive option at that! Though I’d rather you cease this nonsense immediately and get back to the story, I suppose this will have to do in terms of satisfying your curiosity.”
Ah- what. What?
No, he seriously wasn’t gonna cave that easily. Not like… that. It was too easy to be true. Wh- Why? There has to be a caveat to this. There has to.
The lack of a response on The Narrator’s part didn’t help things. Stanley didn’t fully trust The Narrator to just… let Stanley do things. Probably because it (rightfully) didn’t trust Stanley to not cause trouble around the Office. But there were times that The Narrator did join in with Stanley when he had gotten particularly bored, always under the guise that it was ‘making sure Stanley didn’t break down a wall or anything of similar caliber’ but Stanley could tell that The Narrator was usually just as bored as he was. It was always nice when they got along, and that was probably the reason why Stanley had a little bit of hope that it was actually letting him do this.
He couldn’t help but smile a little as he clicked on the folder to open its contents.
Huh. Those… don’t look familiar.
(None of the names would, anyhow, but Stanley could tell these weren’t songs he’d heard before.)
There was one that was labeled in French of all things, a few that had his name in the title, one just labeled “Secret!” and - a Christmas song?! What?!
“Oh, now hold on a moment. I don’t remember these songs. How strange… I suppose these will be new to the both of us, won’t they?”
Well, at least The Narrator was still on board with this. That was good.
But before Stanley could click on the first song that’d caught his attention, The Narrator interrupted once again.
“Wait! Before you click anything, may I suggest closing the door first? You may not know this since I’ve been speaking directly towards you, but the acoustics in this office building are dreadful! I’d say a more enclosed space like your office would be better for playing music in, but that’d only be the case if it were fully closed off. So… will you do the honors?”
Oh, yep, there it was. This was the part where The Narrator derailed Stanley’s attempts at getting to know him in favor of ‘tHe StoRy’ (ugh) while hiding it under a veneer of camaraderie. Often, they would be presented as options without ever having an actual choice, and this was just like all those other times.
…
However…
It did have a point. The music would probably sound better in a smaller space, without the hallway making all the sounds echoey. And The Narrator didn’t seem… too sarcastic about this.
It couldn’t hurt to do this once, right?
Press C to Close The Door
“But Stanley just couldn’t handle the pressure.”
OH THAT LITTLE-
Stanley began to
Press H to Open The Door
repeatedly, with no avail. They were getting so close, why betray him like this? Had all those resets not taught The Narrator how to accept these things? “Stan-” This was just cruel, evil, selfish, and it broke Stanley’s heart. “Stanl-” Why?! Why now?! Had Stanley really gone too far? The Narrator hadn’t sounded that angry, so why was he still-
“STANLEY !”
He stopped with both hands on the door, trying to regain his breath (had he been hyperventilating? He supposed so) and calm his racing heart. The edges of his vision were getting blurry, but he didn’t care all that much.
“Stanley- oh thank goodness you’re listening. Are you alright?”
That almost sounded genuine, but Stanley wasn’t about to let his guard down again. Not after what just happened.
And yet his heart betrayed him (as it had before, many times in fact) and answered back with the truth.
Press N to Shake Your Head No
“Ah, didn’t think so. Listen, I…”
The Narrator sighed, regret evident in their voice.
“...I suppose I’m due for an apology.”
… What?
No, seriously. What?
On one hand, Stanley saw this as a breakthrough for the Narrator. Finally, the voice above him learned to take accountability! Truly crossing new territory!
On the other hand…
Who's to say Stanley wasn’t just projecting his hopes onto The Narrator? What if this was another one of its ploys to return to the story? What if- What if…
Well, the very least Stanley could do was listen to what the voice had to say.
- - - - - -
“Um, Stanley? I hate to bother you right now, but-”
Press L to “Politely” Let The Narrator Know What You Think Of His Input Right Now
“Language! Er- um… I’ll- I’ll shut up now.”
…
Stanley really wished he understood French right about now. He would ask The Narrator what it all meant, but he wasn’t about to let the voice get off easy on this transgression.
“ Oh dear, why did it have to be this one? “
Hmm? Did The Narrator say something? Maybe it was important… Though, would asking about that be the wisest decision he could make right now?
Eh, whatever. Besides, since when did Stanley care about that sorta thing?
Press A to Tell The Narrator to Speak Up
“AGH- Wah- Huh? No no, it’s… I didn’t say anything, Stanley.”
Well, that clearly wasn’t true. This sounded like something The Narrator did not want to talk about, which clearly meant that Stanley had to forgo the most reasonable reaction and keep pressing their buttons.
Press V to Insist That The Narrator Restate Whatever It Had Whispered Before
“I’m telling you politely right now, I said nothing. It doesn’t concern you, so it’s best if you just let that go.”
Hah! As if Stanley was the kind of person to take that advice.
Press J to Keep Insisting He Says What He Said Before
“Hmph, if you’re not going to leave this be, then I will not indulge in your little game. You did want me to ‘shut up’ anyway, so I’m simply adhering to previous arrangements.”
Oh, so now he decides to shut up?
“...”
Press B to Call The Narrator A Nuisance
“...Hypocrite.”
- - - - - -
The plan was to keep The Narrator silent while Stanley went through these songs on his own, to get a bit of solace from The Narrator’s constant blathering.
The plan, on Stanley’s end specifically, was to keep being angry at The Narrator, just to show the voice what it was like on the receiving end of one of their tantrums.
The plan was to stay angry.
This…
This song was too ridiculous to keep the plan up.
Well, it was less the song and more the situation that made Stanley feel silly. It’s hard to keep feeling mad at someone when the backing track sounds like something out of a bad joke of a dance club.
Still, he knew The Narrator, and he knew how stubborn the voice could be. Stanley still had no idea what it was exactly, but he could almost imagine an older man scowling cartoonishly at an image of Stanley staring blankly at his computer with this song playing. It was kinda funny, if Stanley were to be honest.
But no, he had to beat The Narrator in this game of attrition. No amount of self-imagined funny faces would sway him!
That was easier said than done, however. The longer the song went on for, the funnier that particular image became. Stanley struggled to keep his face neutral; his breath shortened and became unregulated as he
Pressed J to Laugh Silently to Himself
“Hmm? Was… was that you?”
Uh oh. Stanley did not mean to make that an Action™, and things would just get more awkward if he tried to play it off. Crap.
Well, there’s only one thing to do in this situation.
Press T to Tell Him What You Were Laughing At
“...”
The silence was getting to Stanley. Had he made a mistake by saying that? The Narrator certainly didn’t sound young, but that didn’t mean much. Was The Narrator offended? Maybe he should take it back-
“Pff- hehehe- Heh, hahahaa...”
Is The Narrator… laughing?
“ That- haha, Stanley! That isn’t- pftt- it isn’t funnyheheh, haHAHA! ”
The Narrator kept laughing, and at this point Stanley stopped trying to hide his own smile as well. Stanley noted that The Narrator’s laugh almost sounded like a duck, which started another laughing fit befitting of the situation.
“ Nonono! Stanley, what now?! We- heehehe- You’re not helping! ”
It was too late. Stanley was already doubled over, tears threatening to overflow at the edges of his eyes while The Narrator kept wheezing like a duck.
But hey, at least the music fits the tone now.
- - - - - -
“Stanley, I’m not trying to bother you again, but could you explain why there are a frankly copious amount of bells in this version of the Adventure Line™ song?”
Press P to Ask What Him What He Means
“Well, I’m not quite certain why it was included. Not to say it was a bad inclusion! Not at all! It’s just left me feeling something I don’t think I’ve really felt before… What is it?”
Stanley cocked his head to the side and
Pressed H to Request Clarification
“Well, it’s a feeling reminiscent of nostalgia and excitement, with a bit of dread mixed in, all aimed at a specific day in a month that I cannot for the life of me remember anything about. More succinctly, it almost feels as if I were anticipating a winter-time celebration of some kind. Does that sound familiar at all, Stanley?”
Press J to Ask If He Means “Festive”
“Festive? That seems like the most accurate word to describe this, though I’ve no idea why.”
Press H to Ask If They’re Being Serious
“Huh? Of course I’m being serious, Stanley! I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life! W- well, aside from those other times- but that’s beside the point! Now could you care to explain why exactly this song elicits these emotions?”
Press C to Talk For A Little Bit About Christmas
“Ah, well that sounds positively delightful! Tell me, would you like for me to add this into the confusion ending instead of the standard version?”
Press O to Make It Play On Occasion, So As Not To Overdo It
“ Oooo, you’re right. Wouldn’t want to overwhelm the player, now would we? Still, I’m debating on whether or not it’d make sense. I mean, we both know how time works here- or rather, how it doesn’t, hehe…”
Press Q to Question Whether or Not Anything Else About The Parable Made Sense Anyway
“ Agh- You know what I meant! Besides, I still don’t know much about Christmas beyond what you’ve told me just now, which after ruminating for a bit leaves me with more questions than answers. ”
Press K to Ask If The Narrator Really Wants an Extensive History Lesson About the Origins, Traditions and Modern Culture Surrounding Christmas Right Now
“ Well, you and I both know that you’re going to get bored of just sitting here and listening after the 30 minute mark, and I’m offering a way to spend that time without ending the song. So at least indulge me in this one request, alright? ”
Press W to Agree, But Only If The Narrator Saves It’s Questions For The End
“ I’m all ears. ”
- - - - - -
“Well Stanley, that was quite the romp, wasn’t it? I believe we’ve both grown as character and narrative device respectively, learning more about our dynamic and the nature of musical accompaniment in conjunction with narrative tension in storytelling mediums respectively. Yes, I can tell with absolute certainty that this experience has bettered both of us, wouldn’t you agree?”
Press Z to Partially Agree
“Hmm? What about that statement was wrong?”
Press D to Tell The Narrator That It Isn’t Over Just Yet
“Oh? What- oh wait! Is there a song left over?”
The Narrator was right on the money, and it just so happened to be the song that Stanley was looking forward to since the beginning. He figured he’d save this one for last, since it had the most mysterious looking title.
But just as he was about to figure out what exactly ‘GJYMITTBOTMCF’ stood for…
“Oop, sorry Stanley! I’m afraid I can’t let you hear that one right now.”
The computer turned itself off with those words (had it been able to do that the entire time?) and the door opened to the office once more. Startled, Stanley looked towards the ceiling, puzzled at The Narrator’s reaction.
“I can see you’re confused, Stanley, and I can assure you my reasoning is sound. You see, I actually know where exactly that song is located within the office!”
Huh? Does that mean…
“Exactly! It’s a scavenger hunt! Oh, isn’t this just exhilarating for you?”
Exhilarating may be an exaggeration, but it sure is different. Stanley now had a new goal to work towards, and he supposed it would keep him busy for the next few runs into eternity. You’ve gotta stave off that boredom somehow!
Press T to Question if The Narrator is Asking For A Challenge
“Pfft, if it gets you out of the room then I suppose so.”
That’s all that Stanley needed to hear.