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a cycle of having a tired body and tired heart
There’d been days Miles hadn’t been sure he’d even make it to eighteen. Being Spider-Man sometimes felt like a speedrun to dying young. But against all odds, he’d made it.
He is now eighteen.
A legal adult.
And there is only one thing he’d been wanting for his birthday.
His parents had thrown him a party and he’d had a great time celebrating with his neighbor and friends, the real excitement started that night.
Peter B popped into his universe and the two of them went swinging through the city, playing tag across rooftops and taking down petty criminals, whooping and hollering as they swung through traffic, and enjoying the rush that comes from just being together.
After a while, they swing up to the roof of a tall building and settle down overlooking the city.
“Happy birthday, Miles,” Peter says, the soft smile on his face illuminated by the distant lights from buildings, billboards, and streetlights. The city’s light pollution might block out the stars, but it’s beautiful in its own way.
Miles can’t help but smile back as an unknown thing flutters in his chest. “Thanks, Peter. And thank you for coming.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d want to be,” Peter says.
The unknown thing in Miles’ chest cannot be contained and Miles decides it’s now or never.
He surges forward and presses his mouth against Peter’s. A kiss he’s been waiting for for so long. Something they’ve both been tiptoeing around for a while.
For a moment, it’s perfect. It’s everything Miles has ever wanted.
But then Peter shoves him away.
The shove leaves Miles teetering on the edge of the roof, windmilling his arms to keep from falling over. Peter quickly grabs him and pulls him away from the ledge.
“What the hell!” Miles exclaims once he’s regained his balance.
“Funny, I was about to say the same thing,” Peter says, anger coating his tone. “What the hell was that, Miles?”
“A kiss, obviously,” Miles says, barely resisting the urge to roll his eyes. “Why are you acting like this? I’m eighteen now. You don’t have to hold yourself back anymore.”
A pained expression settles on Peter’s face. He takes a step back from Miles and says, “I’m sorry. Whatever I did that made you think I wanted this, I’m sorry. I have never thought of you that way and I’m sorry I led you to believe I did.”
Miles feels something inside of him break. “But why? What’s wrong with me?”
“You’re a child, Miles.”
“I’m an adult,” Miles says back defensively.
Peter sighs again. “Sure, legally you’re an adult. And with being Spider-Man, you haven’t really been a kid in a long time. I am very proud of the man you have become, Miles. But to me, you’re still that little fourteen year old in the too small Spider-Man costume following me across the city and begging me to teach you.”
Miles knows the anger he’s feeling is just a mask for something else, for another emotion he’s not ready to face, but he hangs on to it anyway. “I’m not that little kid anymore! I’m grown.”
Peter huffs. “You haven’t even been eighteen for a full twenty-four hours yet. If I wasn’t sexually attracted to you yesterday, why would I suddenly be today? You don’t look any different than you did yesterday. There isn’t some magic switch in your brain that flipped to make you think or act any different than you did yesterday. You’re not some completely different person just because you turned eighteen.”
Miles feels his face burning, but he doesn’t know if it’s from anger or embarrassment. “You weren’t allowed to think of me sexually…”
“It’s not about what I’m allowed to do, Miles. Trust me, if anyone shows sexual interest in you on the very day you turn eighteen, they already had sexual interest in you before that. They may not have acted on it because they weren’t ‘allowed’ to, but the attraction would have been there. What we’re attracted to doesn’t follow our made up laws. I can’t look at you like you’re a completely different person, see you in a completely different context just because the law here says you’re an adult. In my eyes, you are still a child, Miles.”
“But I’m not,” Miles mumbles, sounding as petulant as the child he’s claiming to no longer be.
“In some countries you would have been considered an adult at age fifteen, would you have been okay with me making sexual advances towards you then? Or would you think I was a creep? In some other countries you’re still not an adult now, not until you’re twenty or twenty-one. If we lived there, would you think I was a creep if I wanted to have sex with you now?”
Peter is being logical, but Miles doesn’t want to hear logic. He suddenly feels disgusted with himself for reasons he doesn’t understand. He finds himself asking again, “What’s wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Miles,” Peter says softly. “You are a wonderful young man. You are beautiful and talented and so good . Too good for this entire world. It has been a privilege to watch you grow. Seeing you come into your own has been my greatest joy. Truly, I am honored to think I’ve had even the smallest bit of influence on you growing into the amazing person you are.”
“Then why don’t you want me?” It sounds pitiful even to his own ears. There are tears pooling in his eyes and he’s not sure how much longer he can hold them back.
“I just don’t see you that way, Miles. That’s not a fault on your part. Honestly, I would be disgusted with myself if I did see you that way. I only ever wanted to mentor and guide you, if not like a father than at least like another uncle. Sex was never meant to be part of our relationship. If that’s something you want from me, I am very sorry but I cannot give it to you.”
The tears spill over and Miles hides his face in his hands as if to cover the shame, until Peter pulls him into his arms and hugs him close, letting Miles cry onto his chest. How terrible it is that Peter can break his heart, but still be so gentle with him.
They stay that way until Miles finally wrests control of his emotions and the tears start to stop. Still, he can’t bring himself to look at Peter, so he stays there with his hear buried against the man’s chest.
“I’m sorry,” Miles says, a sob breaking around the words.
“It’s okay,” Peter mumbles, rubbing his back soothingly. “You’re okay. Everything is going to be okay.”
“I just…” Miles lets out a shuddering breath. “I thought this was something we both wanted. I convinced myself there were so many signs and everything was so clear. That this was obviously the way our relationship was headed and we were just waiting for the right time. I knew it was just a dumb crush, but I deluded myself. I’m so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid. You’re young. Sometimes, when we’re young, it’s hard to see past our own desires.”
“I feel stupid. I just wanted you to want me.”
“You deserve better than an old man like me anyway.”
“You are pretty old.” Miles sniffles. “Think your hair is more gray than brown at this point. Practically have one foot in the grave already.”
“Hey!”
“And you’re poor.” Miles adds. “Why was I thinking about wasting my youth on an old man that can’t even leave me millions in inheritance after I accidentally slip him one too many blue pills.”
“Okay, okay, enough of that.” Peter laughs.
Miles laughs too and grips Peter tighter.
“You okay, kid?” Peter asks.
Miles nods. “More embarrassed than anything, but yeah. I’m okay. We’re okay.”