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1.
James knocked on the door to his best friend’s house and waited, kicking snow off his shoes and blowing warm air into his cupped hands. He only had fingerless gloves so his hands were already freezing despite the not too long walk to the Knight’s house. Kendall was surely going to want to play outside, he just hoped that Mrs Knight would have some hot chocolate for them. She usually did even when James came around uninvited, which was most of the time.
The noise of someone clunking down the stairs made James stand back, prepared to be met with the sunny face of Mrs Knight or Kendall’s warm smile.
Mr Knight quickly opened the door, obviously expecting someone else as it took him a second to look down and find James threading his fingers together.
“Uh, sorry James, Kendall is busy today.” He said coldly, trying to be quiet.
“Is that James?” A small Kendall shouted from atop the staircase, he peered over his dad’s shoulder and waved out at James who attempted to wave back before the door slammed in his face.
Loud as ever, he heard the admonishing tone of Mr Knight as he pushed his red ear to the wooden door.
“You know I don’t like you hanging out with that Diamond kid, and you’re supposed to be helping me build your sister’s crib.” A high pitched whine that sounded like, ‘But Dad!’ followed quickly afterwards before the voices retreated back upstairs leaving James alone on the cold porch.
James was stunned. Not because of Mr Knight, he had been friends with Kendall long enough to be used to the temperamental attitude of his father.
No, what stunned James was Mr Knight’s reason, Kendall’s sister. You could call James a little self absorbed even at the age of 6 but even he had been able to notice the steadily growing stomach of Mrs Knight. It just never occurred to James how this might affect Kendall or himself.
He had heard about this baby a few months ago after Mrs Knight mentioned it to him, Carlos and Logan and was surprised to find that Kendall hadn’t told them about his new baby sister who was arriving within the next year. It was one of the first times in James’ life when his stomach went perfectly cold. Kendall had been hiding a secret, a secret which he would usually tell James if not Logan and Carlos as well. But he had hidden it. A big secret. Not something small but something life altering.
Until that point James believed he was needed in Kendall’s life, an unstoppable force of friendship that would carry on until they were Mr Knight’s age or even older. But to find out that something so huge in Kendall’s life had simply been scratched from the record, never repeated outside of the walls of his house and how Mrs Knight was the only reason that they were finding it out. James felt a pit begin to open up inside himself.
He was becoming irrelevant in Kendall’s life.
Obviously, at the time, he played dumb and excited when they all next asked Kendall about it and all he simply said was that he was embarrassed. But James had told him the name of his favourite toy, had told him how he once threw up in one of his Mum’s expensive handbags and Kendall in turn had told equally embarrassing tales.
So what was it about Katie Knight that Kendall was so afraid of?
But James got over it soon enough. Learned to live with the image in his head of Kendall with a baby sister and it wasn’t like Kendall had changed after the news came out. It seemed he simply didn’t think it was such a huge deal, so James wouldn’t either.
Now, everything has changed. Now, Kendall was apparently too busy because of something he was doing for his sister. A sister who still had many months before she would arrive but was already taking his best friend away from him.
James wasn’t completely oblivious to the fact that Kendall might be too busy sometimes after his sister arrived but being an only child and raised mostly through the money loving maids and nannies who cycled through his life, he didn’t understand how much actual work went into raising a child or even being an older sibling to one.
What did being an older brother even mean?
But Kendall was already acting as a big brother to a baby who didn’t even exist yet. A baby who would continue to take away someone so precious in James’ life.
And for the first time, James hated Katie Knight.
*~*
James kicked his feet under the table as he hugged the landline close to his ear.
It was decided that out of James, Carlos and Logan, James was the most charismatic and closest to Kendall and so he was the one pleading their case.
Their case being ‘Please let us come to your house, we miss you, we promise we won’t harm the baby.’
James didn’t know if he felt morally right for arguing that last point as Carlos was a wild card at the best of times.
The three boys were tucked around Logan’s small kitchen table and waiting. His house was the closest to Kendall’s so they had agreed to meet here to try and convince Kendall to let them over. If he didn’t, they were just going to have to scheme a way of getting him out of the house which probably wouldn’t go well as Kendall was usually the mastermind behind their best plots.
But it had been a whole week since they had seen Kendall and it was the summer holidays so they were desperate.
A whole week! It was unacceptable, new baby sister or no.
And maybe they wanted to come over because they were just a little bit curious about this new baby which Kendall seemed to have a special mixture of love and disdain for.
“You guys can’t come over, my dad won’t allow it, believe me, I’ve tried.” Kendall sighed, a loud whining cry ringing in the background. “I haven’t been able to sleep since Katie arrived anyway, I’m tired, so-”
“I can’t take all that screaming! I’m going out.” Mr Knight shouted as they heard the sharp, plastic clattering of Kendall trying and failing to ram the phone back onto the stand.
“You can’t leave, she needs you, we need you!” Mrs Knight cried and the whining somehow increased in volume.
“And I need a drink!” The sound of a door slamming caused James to jump as the resounding silence was only broken by the intermittent screams of the baby.
James, Logan and Carlos held their breaths before Kendall finally spoke again,
“Please come over.” And then the phone clicked off.
*~*
It didn’t take long for them to get to Kendall’s and their family car was already gone so they didn’t bother knocking as they barged into the house.
Immediately, all 3 boys covered their ears as a whining screeching sound assaulted their senses. They looked up to find Kendall sat on the stairs similarly holding his ears as he simply smirked at the group.
“Welcome.” Kendall lowered his hands from his ears slowly, now mostly used to the sounds of his new life as his friends all continued to grasp the sides of their heads in pain.
“How can you live like this!?” Carlos shouted, bashing his helmeted head against the door and shutting it. It made a loud rattling noise as it came to a close, leading for the torturous noise to get closer with Mrs Knight walking out into the entrance.
“Hello, boys,” She called over the din, seemingly immune to the baby’s torment. James looked up at Mrs Knight to find the cause of his suffering to be a bundle of light blue blankets which he fervently ignored in favour of smiling up at the lady herself. He just hoped she would let them stay. He tried to show confidence in his smile as he was told it could charm anyone. It seemed to be proven true when Mrs Knight simply narrowed her eyes fondly at the boy, then rolled them, beckoning the group into the living room with one hand.
They sat down in their usual spots, Kendall on the far end with Logan sandwiched between James and Carlos, before looking around. James noticed that there were plastic things covering every available surface and small round blobs of plastic covering the corners of the coffee table which held a litany of white, yellow and pink cards, all with the same congratulatory writing.
Mrs Knight walked slowly up to Kendall before carefully placing the bundle of blankets into his waiting arms. Kendall immediately began rocking the baby, already used to having to take care of his new little sister when his mother was preoccupied.
James covered his ears more while taking surreptitious glances at the red faced blob in Kendall’s arms, he wondered how something so small could muster up that much volume and was vaguely jealous. Logan and Carlos leaned over each other just to get a glimpse before deciding it was still too loud and edging further to the other side of the sofa.
Kendall simply hugged the blob to his chest and laughed at his friend’s pain while Mrs Knight went into the kitchen and came out a few minutes later with 4 glasses of something fizzy.
Kendall’s eyes and mouth widened in shock, sure that he would have found this treat earlier but Mrs Knight simply smiled and said that she hid it behind the broccoli as she knew that the other boys would be over soon.
James excitedly grabbed his drink before having to immediately place it down and shove his hands to his ears again.
“Is there any way to make it shut up?” He asked, looking down disdainfully at the wrinkly tomato peeking out of his best friend’s arms.
“James!” Logan kicked him, sloshing his own drink, “You can’t call someone’s baby an ‘it’!” He squawked, almost reaching the same pitch as the baby.
James simply rolled his eyes and looked back at the chubby face before amending,
“Fine, is there any way to shut her up?” He grinned as Logan once again sounded like a bird while Kendall and Carlos sniggered.
A glare from Mrs Knight shut James up himself. She kept up the annoyed look before walking over to Kendall and looking tired and defeated.
“I’m not sure how to get her to be quiet,” She admitted, playing with the small screaming face of her daughter with a look of pained love on her face. “I’ve tried feeding her and rocking her, staying with her, leaving her alone. Nothing has worked and it doesn’t seem like she’ll stop crying any time soon.”
James looked up at Mrs Knight with admiration. His mother was never around much when he was younger and his father never seemed to know what to do with him so it was nice to see someone care so much for their own child. He felt a whole new depth of love for Mrs Knight as she looked warmly at her two children.
“We can look after her, Mrs Knight.” James found himself saying before he could stop himself.
A look of shock passed over everyone’s faces at the words. He knew the words were oddly selfless for him but they didn’t have to look so surprised about it. He pulled his hands from his ears to show he was serious as he held his drink, watching the bubbles float to the surface.
“It’s just that you look so tired and maybe it would be quieter if you were upstairs and you could finally get some rest.” He felt his cheeks redden as he steadfastly refused to look up to see more shock induced faces. He wasn’t so terrible usually, was he?
As he was looking down, he missed the adoring look that Mrs Knight gave him as she ruffled his hair and stretched her arms over her head.
“Well, if you boys can look after Katie for a while, I think I’d like to take a nap.” She smiled at the other boy’s spluttering as she quickly made her escape upstairs.
“Now look what you’ve done, we have to look after a baby!” Carlos cried, fingers still firmly jammed in his ears as he sprang from the sofa. James ignored the jab in favour of using his glass as a mirror to fix his hair. Carlos walked up to Kendall, finally getting a good look at the little girl.
“You’ve got it rough, buddy.” Carlos sympathised, looking at Kendall and grimacing. James couldn’t imagine trying to sleep while that was going on all night and day. Mrs Knight was stronger than most but he already knew that.
“Yeah, I would take the screams of zombies anyday over this.” Logan agreed, still further up the sofa.
“Oh, zombies!” Kendall suddenly jumped up from the sofa, before realising the baby was still in his arms and looking guilty as she somehow raised her volume even more.
“Before Katie was born, Mum asked me what game I wanted because she said I needed an ‘incentive to be a good older brother’, whatever that means. So I got the new Zombie Clashers X!” He bounced, once again forgetting the child in his arms.
“Oh but, I’m not allowed to play it infront of Katie.” He smirked, “Unless one of you stays in here with her.” He looked at James as twin ‘Not it!'s rang out from both Logan and Carlos who ran over to the door, leaving James the only one still sitting on the sofa.
Kendall smirked as he gently lay down the screaming menace into James’ fumbling arms and before he could look up and argue they were gone.
James looked down at the small red face and the mouth still open making his life hell. It took away his best friend, it drove away Kendall’s dad and now it was taking away his peace. Was there no end to the damage this thing could do?
Despite this, James was more scared of any damage he might do to the little life in his arms. He had never been this close to a baby, ever, and he never thought he would be. James was clumsy and forgetful at the best of times and now here he was alone with Mrs Knight’s child. Kendall’s baby sister.
James imagined the consequences should he even accidentally hurt the baby and sat rigidly still, ignoring the small hands that pushed their way out of the blanket up at him.
The crying only seemed to get louder and louder as he sat in silence, hoping beyond hope that someone would come into the room and take her away from him as he finally looked down at her.
That was when James was stunned for the last time.
She was sort of… cute. If you squinted hard enough and twisted your head at the right angle.
Ever so carefully, he began copying the gentle rocking movements he had seen both Kendall and Mrs Knight performing. After a few minutes he heard the volume of her scream drop a few decibels and so assumed he was doing something right.
He just wondered how he could ever get her to be silent. To fall asleep as he was sure Mrs Knight was trying to right now.
James thought back to when he was smaller and what might have helped him, though he couldn’t remember ever being this annoying or anyone rocking him.
He did, however, remember this one nanny who used to sing to him whenever he was upset. She was younger than the other maids and nannies with bright dirty blonde hair and a sweet smile. Her singing always managed to make him feel better so maybe it could help the little girl reaching out for him in his arms.
People had told him before that he had a nice voice, he just hoped they were right.
Softly, so as to not make the girl any louder, he began humming a random tune he had made up. It was something he had been tossing around in his head for a while with no lyrics to speak of but a gentle melody that he softly voiced to Kendall’s baby sister.
The first person to ever hear it other than James himself.
Almost immediately, like magic, the whining came to a stop as the tears finally dried up. He held his pinky to her small hands which she lightly gripped. James smoothly rocked Katie backwards and forwards in his arms, careful not to make any jerky movements before a small sound like a giggle escaped her. Small bright eyes stared wondrously up at James through her blanket fortress. Soon enough those eyes blinked closed as he continued humming and smiling down at the child in his arms and the warmth in his chest.
Maybe he could get used to Katie Knight.
His first fan.
A crash sounded from upstairs as multiple pairs of feet stormed down the stairs.
Jennifer knew she shouldn’t have left her baby alone with four 6 year old boys but she was just so tired and James was just so sweet-
Her inner monologue came to an end as she saw three of those four boys also running down the stairs before they all arrived in the doorway to the living room to find James smiling sheepishly and swaying a completely silent Katie.
“James, you-” Kendall all but shouted before James held out his hand and whispered a ‘shhhhh’ at all of them before returning his full undivided attention to Katie.
2.
“Okay! Midnight snack time!” Kendall whisper-yelled as he shot up from under his covers and pointed towards the door. A muffled grumble emanated from the floor as three bodies shifted around in sleep. Kendall wanted so desperately to shout out and scare them but he did not have a death wish.
“Come on, guys, now’s the perfect time for a midnight snack!” He tried again, bouncing slightly and creaking his bed.
A pile of pillows with limbs poking out started to move and topple as Logan emerged and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.
“Now?” He asked, yawning and accidentally kicking Carlos’ sleeping face as he stretched and startled the boy awake. “Isn’t it too late for a midnight snack?” Both boys glanced at the small digital clock on Kendall’s bedside table which read 03:06.
“Well, I didn’t wake up until now.” Kendall grumbled watching a now awake Carlos glare daggers at Logan. James still slept soundly next to the two and the closest to Kendall’s bed.
“You kicked me!” Carlos began, forgetting the need to be quiet and almost shouting for the whole house to hear.
“I didn’t mean to and be quiet!” Logan whispered back urgently.
“You so did!”
“So didn’t!”
“So did!”
“No, I didn-”
Logan’s words were cut off by a pillow thwacking him in the face. All three boys looked down at the floor to find James’ hand raised as his eyes slowly blinked open.
“Why are you guys interrupting my beauty sleep?” He asked, scanning the room before finding Kendall still stood atop his bed and looking over the chaos.
“We are going to have a midnight snack.” He replied, once again pointing towards the door dramatically as if they were going to war.
James took one look at the clock before replying, “At 3am?”
“That’s what I said!”
“Shut up, Logan. We’re having a midnight snack?” Carlos jumped up from his spot on the floor, forgetting whatever fight he was having before. “Can I get a Pinkie Puff?” He whispered loudly. Logan’s eyes anxiously flashed back between the door and Kendall, the last thing they should be doing was poking the bear that was Ms Knight.
“Yes, because over the past few weeks I have gathered all of our favourite snacks and stored them in the back of the cupboard under the sink. We just need to grab them.” James squinted up at their fearless leader, standing atop his bed and surveying the room and his subjects. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see both Carlos and Logan staring up in admiration and smiling slightly. It was times like these when James believed that Kendall’s last name should have been King and that he was somewhat jealous of Katie for having such an awesome older brother.
“I smell plan.” Logan said, grinning hesitantly and still flicking his eyes back towards the door. Ms Knight was not one to be trifled with and Katie had been getting more and more devious lately as she grew older. Possibly a consequence of growing up with Kendall Knight as an older brother but she was only 3.
What damage could she really do to four 9 year old boys?
*~*
Slowly but surely the four boys crept down the stairs, careful to avoid the parts of the stairs that squeaked and the corner of the carpet that always seemed to be out to get them. These boys practically knew the Knight house like the back of their hands and managed to, surprisingly, get down to the kitchen without incident. A silent celebration involved dancing and quiet high fives before they noticed the small shadow blocking the kitchen sink cupboard.
“Hello, big brother and friends.” Katie said calmly, a tiny stone fortress in front of their secret treasure trove which was apparently less of a secret than Kendall had believed. James smiled slightly, it was hard to be intimidated by a 3 year old girl in koala bear pyjamas but he knew better than to voice this out loud lest he be the target of her wrath. He was sure this attack was targeted mostly at Kendall.
“Katie! What are you doing down here?” Kendall asked, shocked and slightly impressed. “And what are you doing standing in front of the kitchen sink cupboard? There is nothing in there.” Smooth, Kendall, smooth.
Katie simply smiled and pulled out a Pinkie Puff wrapper and let it float to the ground. The boys gasped and Carlos looked like he was about to faint.
“Oh Big brother, you’re going to have to try harder than that to hide something from me.” She grinned sweetly and held out her open palm expectantly.
The group all looked to Kendall, their fearless leader who was no longer looking so fearless, “Look, my mum never uses anything from the sink cupboard and it’s got a child proof lock on it!” He answered their unamused stares as Katie simply kept her hand held out and twirled the small lock around her other fingers.
“Come on, pay up.”
“How much?”
“5 dollars.” Her sweet smile turned devilish.
“5 dollars! That’s a whole 2 weeks allowance!” He nearly cried, still vaguely aware of the one other person in the house actually above them and asleep.
“Shame.” Katie said, retracting her hand and instead putting it as a cone around her lips. “Oh, Mum-”
“Okay, okay, okay,” Kendall quickly reached into his pocket and pulled a fiver out, thankful that he had slept in his day clothes instead of changing, before handing it to his demon sister as she walked past.
“Oh and one more thing,” Katie turned to look at the boys from the kitchen doorway, “I want to borrow James.”
James looked between his best friends and the sister from hell who tugged, not so gently, on his long sleeved pyjama top. Sheepish looks met his fearful one as they simply dove into the cupboard and took out as many snacks as they could hold.
*~*
She led him to her bedroom before letting go of his arm and trudging in. He stood awkwardly in the doorway, waiting to be told what his purpose was as Katie jumped into her bed, led down and closed her eyes.
James stood stock still in the door.
Was he meant to tuck her in? Did she just want an escort upstairs?
One eye peeled open as she simply said, “Well?”
“Katie, I’m not sure what you want me to do here!” He replied, waving his arms around dramatically.
“Sing to me.”
What? “Are you being serious?” Her face indicated nothing less but it was difficult to grasp complex emotions on a 3 year old’s face.
“Kendall and Mum told me.” James wracked his brain for anything that could have possibly been told to her that would lead to this situation. “They told me you used to come and sing for me.”
“Yeah, but that wasn’t, like, a secret or anything. It’s just something I used to do when you were younger so that your mum and Kendall could get some sleep.”
“Well now I need help sleeping, I haven’t heard you sing in ages and I think I miss it. Once I was told that you used to help me sleep I knew that I needed you. I can still remember being sung to sleep but I didn’t know by who but now you can do it. Please?” It was phrased as a question but James could hear the demand in the undertones of her voice.
“You’re not sleeping well? Is that why you’re awake at 3am?” He asked, looking away and trying to smoothly change the subject onto her and not his singing.
“Don’t change the subject,” Shoot, “Please James, I’m really tired.” Then suddenly her eyes widened and her bottom lip pulled her face into the most adorable pout as she looked up at him. The koala eyes were activated and James knew he had no chance. It was a look which James had stupidly taught her as he never imagined his own skills to be used against himself.
“And if you don’t sing I’ll cry.” The koala eyes were gone and the devil had returned.
“I’m sorry, Katie. I loved singing for you, I’m just not sure I’m that good. Probably not enough to get you to sleep now that you’re older. It was probably a fluke.” He gave a small sad smile, hoping not to crush her spirit or cause a tantrum that would bring Ms Knight in here faster than you could say ‘Hockey’.
It was true that he used to sing all the time. He even considered it as a possible career. That was before he told Kendall and Mr Knight heard about it, making sure to tell James how ridiculous his dream was and how his singing wasn’t even that good. After that it became harder and harder to sing and eventually he gave up trying.
“Well then sing for me and I’ll tell you.”
“Huh?”
“Sing for me and I’ll judge you. Just know that if I fall asleep then it was really good.” She snuggled back down under the covers and patted the area next to her with a beaming smile on her face. Something told James that if he was truly terrible, she would let him know. She was probably the only person who would actually be honest with him.
And how could he ever say no to that?
“Okay, but don’t blame me if your ears bleed.”
The smile that Katie rewarded him with was blinding. He padded over to the bed and sat gently on the edge, careful not to make too much noise. It was already risky talking or singing, him thumping around probably wouldn’t help.
“Do you mind what I sing?” He asked and the quick shake of a head had him wondering what sort of soothing song would work for a 3 year old, having forgotten the original tune that he had sung to the same little girl a few years ago.
He closed his eyes and then began to gently sing Yesterday by the Beatles.
He cringed when he got to the higher notes but his voice kept smoothly flowing along the harmony as if he had never stopped singing in the first place. He got lost to his own music, hearing and feeling the rhythm flow through him as he dutifully carried out every note to completion.
When he finally opened his eyes to look down at Katie, her eyes were drooping closed.
He finally came to the end of the song and began tucking her in her blanket enclosure. He stood up and was about to leave when he decided to press a small kiss to the near sleeping girl’s forehead.
“You should be a superstar.” A sleepy voice responded before gentle breathing and the hard thumping of James’ heart took up the sound in the room.
He smiled and wondered whether she had a point.
3.
James’ head thunked against the wooden coffee table in the Knight’s living room. Kendall’s head had already been in the same position for the past 10 minutes.
They were never going to be able to finish this project.
As soon as it was announced Carlos pounced on Logan so quick it made their heads spin. So James and Kendall were stuck together. Granted, James thought that Kendall wasn’t the worst person to have to work with seeing as Kendall was obviously the second smartest in their group but from how the table was currently imprinting into Kendall’s face, maybe that wasn’t so accurate. Or maybe that’s just how someone would act when having to team up for a school project with James who couldn’t even remember which teacher had assigned it.
He was nothing if not persistent though, that’s why he held on for a whole nother 10 minutes before James resigned himself to the same wooden fate.
“That’s it, I’m going to get us some drinks, don’t come after me if I don’t come back.” Kendall suddenly said, unfolding himself and making his way to the kitchen.
Well that was that then. There was no way he was going to finish this project alone.
James lifted his head enough to rest his chin onto the surface and blew some hair out of his eyes. It was getting longer now but he kind of liked it, even if it didn’t help during hockey. But people told him it was pretty, his mum told him it was pretty, so he didn't have the heart to ask for it to be cut.
“You look terrible.” James cringed at the thought before lifting himself back into a sitting position on the floor and unsticking a stray piece of paper from his chin. Katie stood in the doorway looking down at him.
“Thanks Katie-bear.” He huffed, picking up his pencil again and rubbing out his previous workings.
“I told you not to call me that.” She similarly huffed, blowing her side fringe from her face and sitting cross legged next to him before grasping the paper away from his hands. He didn’t protest, it wasn’t like he was doing anything with it anyway and maybe if she turned it into a paper plane or something he could forget about the whole stupid project.
Katie looked confused at the page filled with crude drawings and half erased equations.
“What are you working on?” She questioned, picking up Kendall’s paper and being equally confused, finally resorting to the school printout to figure out what was going on.
“Some business thing,” He said, retrieving his paper from the table and not understanding any of what he had written. “It all goes over my head. I’m the pretty one, not the smart one.” He smirked.
“Yeah, well you don’t have to choose.” Katie responded distractedly while reading over the conditions of their project.
“Nah, I think Kendall and Logan are smart enough to get me through. Though apparently not now as Kendall also has no idea what we’re doing but Logan was snatched up by Carlos.” He sighed, leaning his head back and taking in the small details of the cream ceiling. A crack here, a stain there -mostly from Carlos throwing his food up in excitement- and small patches of water damage seeping through the corners. He always felt relaxed at the Knight’s, never judged or unwanted. He wished he could just live here, with them, like one big happy family.
“You guys are idiots.” The dream splintered in front of him as he looked back down and melodramatically gasped while holding a hand over his heart.
“Katie, you wound me!” He cried, tossing his hair back and pouting at the 6 year old. He gained a small smile in response and a look that said she knew she was correct.
“But why are we idiots?” He asked seriously a second later, he was not above asking a 6 year old for help on a 12 year old’s work.
It wasn’t like her brother was any help. He shot a look towards the kitchen which had been suspiciously quiet for a while now. He just knew that Kendall had snuck out into the garden without him.
“It’s a business project, not rocket science.” She stated like that meant something. Katie had too much faith in him as was evidenced by his confused face. James had no idea what he was doing most of the time.
She sighed and scooted closer to him, placing the project requirements in his hand and pointing out what exactly he was meant to be doing and how to do it effectively.
In just 5 minutes, James had been taught more by a girl half his age than he had by any of his teachers.
As Katie was winding down and her explanation coming to an end James couldn't help but stare at her in awe. He was surprised by how much logic was coming out of the girl’s mouth but mostly he was surprised that she was related to Kendall Knight. Sure, she had his deviousness and his brain for plans but she seemed so much more in this very moment.
The staring eventually caused Katie to look up, aware that James hadn’t been listening to her gratuitous advice for the past few minutes.
“What?” She asked, annoyed that she was supposed to be helping the boy and here he was getting distracted by something on her face. She placed a hand on her cheek and felt around to see if she had some food stuck anywhere embarrassing.
“Sorry,” James said, coming back to himself, “It’s just that you’re so smart!” James said, reaching over and patting her head, mussing up the long strands that fell loosely across her shoulders.
A small flush crawled up her cheeks in response. She knew she was smarter than most of the kids in her class but to be actually told it to her by someone she admired was something else.
“It wasn’t that difficult.” She defended, looking away and playing with the ends of her hair. Why did James have to be so annoying?
“No, I mean it! Your heaps smarter than me and Kendall.” He smiled, partly teasing and partly serious. It was rare to see the 6 year old truly flustered so he was taking advantage but he also could believe that she could give Logan a run for his money. James wasn’t the best at being serious but he did want her to know just how true his words were. He glanced at her long brown hair and just maybe there was something he could do?
“Come on, turn around.” He patted his knees and spun so he was facing her.
“What?” She asked, less flustered and back to confused which seemed to be her default emotion around James the enigma.
“Come oooon, just spin with your back to me.” Katie had known James her whole life so him being a bit of a weirdo was no surprise but that didn’t mean she just went along with all his antics. So Katie complied suspiciously, not fully turning her back to the boy.
Slowly, so as not to startle her, James began gathering up her loose hair in his hands. She still jumped slightly but began to relax as he softly carded his fingers through the strands, making sure not to pull too tightly when he came to a knot.
Katie’s hair was a lovely long mousy brown but whenever James saw her it only hung loosely around her shoulders in no particular style as it kept growing. Ms Knight was too busy to properly style Katie’s hair before school every morning and Kendall would never be of any help when it came to anything regarding one’s appearance so James decided to change that. He wasn’t Brooke Diamond’s son for nothing.
He reached around and began braiding her annoying fringe away from her face and into the rest of her loose hair. It wasn’t much but it was enough that it would no longer bother her and give her hair some pizazz.
“I promise you, you are very smart. And although I know I can’t be smart, I choose pretty. But you don’t have to choose and because I’m pretty, I know pretty when I see it.” He smiled and looked at her from over her shoulder, “So do me a favour and be smart and pretty for the both of us.” He finished off the braid and let it fall onto her shoulders. “And if you can do that, maybe I’ll let you be my manager when I’m rich and famous.”
Katie turned around and began fiddling with her hair again but now with a smile on her face. She didn’t even have to check to know it looked good. James Diamond had done it.
“You know I’m not going to do your project for you, right?” She giggled as James’ head once again collided with the table.
4.
It was after school and the boys were all hanging out at the park. They had just finished a brutal game of hockey and were now calm enough to chill out on a long bench and drink some drinks. Carlos led across the bench, his helmet being used as a sort of pillow as he nearly waterboarded himself trying to take a single sip. The rest of the boys were sitting on the actual bench seats, listening to the sounds of cars driving past and birds twittering in the trees.
It wasn’t always this peaceful after they’d played, usually ending up with the boys fighting on the ground over who had scored more points but today was calm. Enough so that it felt like something had been broken when Kendall finally spoke up.
“Katie wants to see you.” He said to James, taking another swig of his fruity drink. It took James a second to realise that it was even him being talked to, lost to the reverie of the world around him.
“What? Why? Did I do something?” It wasn’t unusual for James to do something without realising but he usually took extra care around Katie as he liked breathing and having a pulse.
“Oooo, you’re in trouble!” Carlos sing-songed, turning his head to James and grinning.
James tried to look nonchalant about it by combing back his sweat slicked hair but it kept falling grossly into his eyes and ruining the effect.
“She didn’t tell me. Just kept asking when you were coming over and that it was something that only you could help her with. Whatever that means.” Kendall shrugged, slightly annoyed that his own sister was asking for his best friend and not him when she needed something. It wasn’t like he enjoyed being at the beck and call of the little girl’s whims for the past 8 years but it made him feel cold inside thinking of James being useful in an area that he wasn’t. Like when James came over one day for a project and then after that, whenever James would come around, Katie’s hair was perpetually in a new style with her favourite being the side plait. Of course, Kendall knew nothing of fashion or long hair but that didn’t mean it didn’t sting a little.
James could see resentment on Kendall’s face. To his knowledge, he hadn’t even done anything and yet he felt guilt creep up into him.
“Guess I should come over then?” He asked gingerly. James wasn’t usually one to ask for permission before he did things. It came with the privilege of being a Diamond and the ego of already being gorgeous, but it felt wrong for him to invite himself over to his friend’s house for the sole purpose of seeing his little sister.
“Sure, you can all come on over for dinner.” This earned a whoop from Carlos and a ‘Sure, I’ll text my Mum’ from Logan before the subject was dropped in favour of Carlos’ Would You Rather questions.
*~*
They had barely got up the drive when a short blur raced out of the house, gripped James’ wrist and pulled him through the door and up the stairs with as minimal resistance as James could muster. The sounds of his friends laughing getting quieter as they whizzed through the house.
As soon as they entered her room Katie slammed the door closed and gave a glare that dared James to complain. James was not a smart man but even he knew when to shut up around Katie.
“I need your help.” She demanded almost embarrassed and using her bravado to cover it up.
“What do you need?” He asked in a higher pitched, polite voice.
“I need you to scare a boy at my school.”
“What? Why would I do that?!” He asked her incredulously. Of all the things he could have possibly done or been used for, he was never going to imagine that.
Katie simply huffed and leaned back against the door.
“Come on, I need a little help here, Katie.” He pleaded as Katie finally sighed,
“Look, there is this asshole at my school who keeps on playing pranks on the younger kids and other people in my class. I told him to stop it but he said that I had to make him.” James recognised those words as the words of a dead man but he still didn’t see why Katie needed him.
“And, I may have sort of said that my strong older brother would beat him up if he did it again.” She cocked an eyebrow, holding the door knob beneath her clasped hands as she waited for the shoe to drop.
It didn’t.
“So he did it again and I said he better watch out because my older brother was going after him.” She leaned forwards at the end, raising both eyebrows and making James feel more dumb than usual.
James couldn’t imagine Kendall ever ‘going after’ someone, especially a mean 8 year old. Now if this 8 year old happened to be wearing an opposing team’s hockey jersey and they were on the ice then Kendall would turn into another creature but he was never really one to fight off the ice. The only people he actually fought with were James, Carlos and Logan and even then it was never serious.
His anger management issues usually only ever translating into his scheming and plans. Kendall when angry was more subtle, not explosive though he could be both if you pushed him hard enough. Simply beating someone up or scaring somebody was not his style, it was more James’. But he was sure that if Katie asked Kendall would do it.
Wait.
“Why are you telling me this instead of Kendall?” He quirked his eyebrows up as if he had somehow cracked the code that Katie had been blatantly telling him for the past 5 minutes.
“Well, my big brother doesn’t exactly strike fear into people unless he’s wearing ice skates. But you’re tall and you like, work out and stuff right?” She asked, waving a dismissive hand at his arms. James began flexing his arms slightly and beaming at the imagined praise.
“Okay, but even if I work out and have super strong muscles, I’m not going to go and scare some kid for being slightly mean to some random kids at your school.” Katie grimaced, partly from the statement and partly because of James’ flexing muscles. She needed him to be scary, not stupid.
“Look, I didn’t want to have to say this because it’s humiliating but he managed to catch me off guard and pranked me in front of the whole class.” James was sure any other 8 year old might look embarrassed but Katie only seemed pissed off at the memory, a scowl painting her face as she re-lived it.
“It wasn’t even a good prank, I was just busy doing my work and then suddenly everyone was laughing at me. Can’t believe I forgot about my desk drawer.” She began mumbling, obviously continuing a recurring criticism of the event but James had stopped listening. Some kid had the gall to go after his Katie-Bear?
They would not live to see another day. Even if Katie was only mildly upset, she should never be. James felt his face redden as he looked at the door.
“Where does he live? I swear I will beat this kid into next century if he ever thinks about-”
“James- James! I just want you to scare him, not kill him!” She shouted, waving her hands in front of his face and laughing slightly. It turns out that James could look slightly frightening but to Katie he still looked like a big softie.
“I can fight my own battles, you know?”
“Well if I can’t kill him, what do you need me for?” He asked, simmering down slightly but still very ready to punch an 8 year old’s lights out.
“I want you to help prank him with me.” She said, her signature devilish grin returning.
“How is me scaring some evil child pranking them? And if you needed to prank someone then you should have asked the King of Pranks. Which, right now, is your brother!” James was getting more confused by the minute and feeling more and more guilty for being the one Katie wanted. He had seen how Kendall looked earlier, like he was hurt by Katie’s need for James and James couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t her older brother and as much as that stung to think, it was true. She would never be his family and he had had to come to terms with that ever since she first fell asleep in his arms. It wasn’t like Katie would ever give him that anyway, he knew his place, she shouldn’t give it to him.
James was about to say as much when Katie’s smile only grew wider.
“Actually, your part to play is not in the pranking exactly. I don’t need Kendall for that, as I said, I can fight my own battles. But my problem is secrecy,” James felt like he was listening to Kendall lay out a plan before him, something so familiar that he knew Kendall shouldn’t be worried about his connection to Katie.
“I’m the only one who has ever stood up to him which means he’ll know it was me when we prank him and then when he tries to come after me, my ‘Big Brother’,” She emphasised with hand quotation marks, staring hard at James, “Will come and scare him away from ever messing with anyone ever again.”
“But you should still ask Kendall.” James didn’t like letting Katie down but he wasn’t her big brother as much as he may want to be. The Knight family would never truly be his home.
He looked back to Katie, expecting a sad or maybe angry expression but he was met with jutting pouty lips and eyes so wide he was sure he saw stars.
“You’re the only one who can help me, James, please?” He shut his eyes, trying to imagine anything but the cuteness he had just seen.
“Please, James.” He felt a small hand tug at the hem of his shirt and could feel his heart squeeze.
“What do I have to do?”
He could practically hear her smirk.
5.
James was a worrier. He liked to worry, it was like a passtime. He worried about a lot of things, his looks, his voice, his friends and he worried about who that boy is that is talking to Katie.
After things with Kyle didn’t work out, James had taken it upon himself to mercifully put himself into the line of fire and scout out other potential ten-eleven year old suitors staying at the Palm Woods. His job was to find the best, most upstanding guys and test them. It wasn’t something he relished, though Katie might disagree, but his only other choice was to let Katie run wild and there was no way that was happening.
Ever.
James knew he could never fully get in the way of a young girl wanting a boyfriend, not for lack of trying though, so if all he could do was test the boys on their general looks, personality and douchiness then so be it.
Katie was not as enthusiastic about this development.
Back in Minnesota, she was never really interested in any guys other than Dak Zevon. It just wasn’t something she was into and the boys at her school were all dicks anyway so it was never an issue. But then they moved to LA and to the Palm Woods where the calibre of boys increased and they had the added bonus of being part of the Palm Woods’ future-famous.
If not a boyfriend then she could at least gain a future contact in the industry.
James did not see it this way.
On the topic of boys they never seemed to see eye to eye, maybe because Katie was half his height or because James seemed to be more boy crazy than she was. When he came up with the system to essentially test her future boyfriends she wanted to murder him but a part of her always understood that he needed to do this for her.
It was a compromise between the two of them that if Katie was to be able to date then James had to be allowed to know and test the prospective boys. And, if his stupid tests managed to get Katie a great guy then she wasn’t too opposed to letting James run the show.
James’ method of testing was a bit… unorthodox to say the least. He wasn’t really a science, maths or anything remotely smart sounding guy but he knew that to test things you repeat scenarios and see what happens. His scientific process included such classics as the:
‘I have suddenly hurt my leg in front of you, what will you do?’,
the
‘Stalking and finding out their friends and interests on Scuttlebutter.’
and the patented
‘Have Katie rate from 1-10 how attractive they are’.
These usually gave him a healthy candidate pool to work in to choose the best options but unfortunately, James couldn’t always account for every variable. These odd variables being boys who slip through the cracks, new to the Palm Woods or simply someone who had not been subjected to the tests yet. In the cases of these boys managing to catch Katie’s eyes and her agreeing to go on a date without consulting James, the word ‘Eucalyptus’ would be texted.
James could then be there for Katie throughout the date, ‘In secret, James!’, while finding everything out he could about the boy and texting it to Katie. If the boy was sketchy then Katie would leave/James would save her, but most of the time they were average 10 to 11 year olds. James believed that meant they weren’t good enough for Katie but she didn’t see it that way.
Thankfully, what had never happened was James being too busy to properly servail the target.
*~*
Gustavo was angry about something or other, James vaguely heard the word lazy being thrown around and could piece together that Gustavo believed they hadn’t been spending enough time in the studio recording and too much time goofing off. There was something ironic about him saying that while they were at the studio and ready to record but James wasn’t totally sure. He was more focused on his reflection in one of Gustavo’s golden records.
His hair looked particularly perfect today.
A small buzz in his pocket took the attention away from his face and he checked it sneakily. Luckily, he was standing behind Logan and Kendall so he couldn’t be seen and Gustavo was still too busy shouting.
The text bubble on the screen read a very succinct and terrifying message,
‘Eucalyptus!’
James felt his heart go still at the implications of letting some random boy go out with his Koala Bear.
A quietness throughout the room alerted his attention back to Gustavo who had finally stopped raging, not completely calm but the red was fading slowly from his face, it seemed this would all be soon over and maybe he could run away. James was buzzing more than his phone, nervous energy making him fizz like a shaken pop bottle.
A louder buzz came from his phone which was now in his hand. He was less able to sneak a look at the phone this time as the loud buzzing alerted the producer before he was able to put it back in his pocket.
“Too busy to do your job, James!?” Gustavo shouted, getting red in the face again as guilt crept into James’. He couldn’t explain that he needed to leave to protect Kendall’s sister because that sounded weird and it would be even weirder as even his friends didn’t know about his tests and overprotectiveness otherwise they might stop him… or want to help but something about that didn’t sit well with him.
The only way to ever get through to Gustavo seemed to be when Kendall was firm or angry with him back but maybe that was only because Kendall was his favourite and he still didn’t seem to like James.
Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
“Uh, actually, Gustavo, I really need to leave, like right now. So I’m just gonna-”
“You are not going anywhere!” If James looked close enough he was sure he could see steam emerging from the dragon’s mouth.
“The only place that you are going is back in that studio! Right now!”
Another buzz erupted from his phone and before he could read more than the word, ‘James?’, on his phone it was snatched away and thrown out the window. Rage flared through him as he met Gustavo’s yellow eyes equally angry. Insults built to the tip of his tongue before he found the eyes of everyone else. From Kelly to Kendall their eyes were all screaming at him to stop and just get it over with.
“Fine.” He stormed out of Gustavo’s office and made his way to the studio and tried to do his best.
It was the most difficulty he’d had while singing since he was 9. Usually singing was his catharsis, something that always calmed him down and seemed to make everything right but now it felt like slow torture. Constant worry about Katie distracting him and causing him to mess up while only excelling Gustavo’s rage and causing more distractions in the form of the questioning looks from his bandmates any time he got anything wrong. Any loud noise or slight raising of Gustavo’s voice put him even more on edge until he was practically shaking by the time they got out of the studio.
*~*
James punched the numbers of his friends into his new phone. Kelly had given it to him with a sympathetic look when they left. It wasn’t like these things didn’t happen a lot but it was usually to Kendall or Logan. He was always trying to get onto Gustavo’s good side and the one time he had misbehaved independent of the others he got his phone thrown out the window. He guessed it could be argued that he should have picked his battle at a better time but Katie was at stake!
He sighed, kicking a pebble in the Palm Woods car park as they all traipsed inside. Katie who probably was having a great time on a date with a boy that James didn’t even know. Katie who was probably relieved when James didn’t answer her messages.
Katie who was- sat by the pool? Alone?
“I’m gonna go talk to Katie a second.” He pointed out to the poolside table where Katie sat focusing on her DS and eating a sandwich.
“Cool, we’ll see you later.” Logan replied, already making his way to the lift.
“Yeah, and then you’ll tell us why you were gonna blow up at Gustavo!” Carlos called, sniggering as he raced after Logan.
Kendall simply nodded a thin lipped smile. James couldn’t shake the feeling that Kendall wanted to say something but the soft ding of the lift doors opening had him walking away before anything could be said.
James walked into the warm LA evening sun. He lamented that the weather would never match his mood again. Back in Minnesota it was easy for the weather to be cold and miserable when he was feeling down but in LA the weather was too… LA. So despite his stormy mood as he sat down at Katie’s table, the weather shone on, beautiful and brilliant.
“Hey James.” Katie said, looking up from her DS and setting her sandwich down.
“Hey Katie, sorry about not responding, my-”
“‘Phone got chucked out of the window by Gustavo?’ Yeah, I texted Kendall after you didn’t respond.” His shoulders sagged as he sank down in his chair, covering half the table with his upper half as he reached over and gently took one of her hands into his.
“I was really worried.” The table vibrated with his voice as Katie shook his hand in hers and smiled.
“I know, Kendall texted me as much.”
“How was the date?” He mumbled despondently.
“Kinda boring, actually.”
“Really?” James shot up, eagerly awaiting her next words but trying not to show it.
“Yeah, I don’t know. It just wasn’t the same without you throwing yourself in front of him or texting me fun little facts.” Katie replied, taking another bite of her sandwich with the hand not covered by the 17 year old’s. Said 17 year old who began grinning like a maniac.
“I don’t know, maybe I’m not ready to date yet.” She finally said, looking away with a small smile knowing she had given James exactly what he wanted.
Just in case she took her words back he refrained from doing a victory dance but it didn’t stop him from excitedly reaching up and ruffling her hair with one hand and, while she was distracted, using his other to grab the uneaten half of her sandwich.
“Hey!” Katie said, either towards the sandwich stealing or the messed up hair but James simply grinned in response and took a big bite.
A quick roll of her eyes later and they were sitting eating their sandwich and watching the sun lazily dip below the skyline.
+1
“Your mum sucks.” Katie said, climbing onto the sofa next to James and nestling into the crook of his arm. He was used to this arrangement by now, sometimes likening himself to a tree for a Koala. They usually only got into this position when they were going to watch something on TV but right now the television was off.
James was also used to Katie’s directness when it came to talking about anything which included difficult feelings. Whatever it was she never strayed from getting it out and into the open, never afraid to speak her mind. It was one of the traits he admired about her most even if it was sometimes difficult to keep up during hard topics.
His mum was definitely one of those hard topics.
“Yeah, I know, but she’s- she’s my mum. You know?” He asked, still shell shocked over nearly having to give up his dream life on the whim of his mother. He hadn’t considered how easily his whole dream-like situation could come to an end and it frightened him. He squeezed Katie tighter to his side.
At least his friends had stuck by him. His friends who knew to leave him to process alone for a while. They were probably hovering by the pool and wondering what they should do. Mama Knight had had enough excitement and took to bed early so it was just James and Katie together in companionable silence.
It was a rare occurrence now that they were in LA, before when his time wasn’t made up of tours, albums and being famous there was more time for Katie. So he was glad to be able to sit and talk with her now, despite the subject matter, here they were with no video games, friends or mothers to pop their small bubble.
“No, I don’t know.” Katie said, snuggling further into the bright orange sofa and the warm body besides her. She wrapped a small arm around his middle and squeezed gently.
“Are you okay?”
“I will be.” He responded, squeezing back.
“Hey, James?”
“Yeah, Katie?”
“What was it like when my Dad was around?”
James felt his entire body tense up but tried not to show it too clearly to the Koala bear currently wrapped around him.
“Uh, I’m not sure I’m the one you should be asking that to, Katie.” If someone was going to tell Katie about her father then it would not be him. James who was an accidental witness, and sometimes victim, to the abuse her father gave to the Knight family when they were all younger and Katie was barely even an idea in her mother’s head.
“But Mum never talks about him and Kendall- Kendall won’t ever speak to me about him, even if I ask.” She mumbled, pushing her face into his chest.
“Did you ever think there may be a reason for that?”
It was a silly question.
It was a silly question because Katie was anything but silly. She was brilliant, wickedly smart and the best person he knew. She knew exactly what she was asking for and James was the silly one, the cowardly one because he just couldn’t do it. He didn’t want any of those amazing traits to be tainted with the knowledge that her father was even less of a man than she thought he was already.
James had a limited understanding of close families. The most understanding he had was due to the Knight family as his family was dysfunctional at the best of times. The Knights had always seemed like a perfect haven away from his own house, they always seemed to stick together through anything. It felt wrong for this perfect family to have this stain over their life in the form of a poor excuse for a father. He didn’t- couldn’t understand why Katie would ever want to know about something so horrible that had happened to her family.
But when looking down at the girl in his arms he understood many things. That most people wanted what they couldn’t have, that he was currently trying to protect one of the strongest girls in the world and that he was absolutely not meant to be here.
If Kendall didn’t want to talk, he couldn’t make him, but anything that he could say would be better than what James could. Coming from an actual family member, a person who lived with the man, should mean infinitely more than the tarnished thoughts of a scared child whose once greatest goal was to run away with his best friend and never look back.
He supposed he had finally accomplished that goal but somehow the weight in his stomach wouldn’t lift.
“Of course I have, I’m not stupid.” She looked mildly offended, leaning back from their comfortable hold and extricating her arm from his stomach.
“No, you’re not stupid. You never have been stupid. Just three years old and you could already blackmail Kendall out of his allowance.” He smiled slightly at the memory and saw her do the same. He turned to face her and grasped her hands, “Don’t ever think that I would ever, ever think you’re stupid.” He looked hard into her eyes, she needed to understand that whatever mistakes he may make, whatever things he may say, he would never think that she was something she was not.
“But you shouldn’t be asking me this. You should ask your actual family.” He let go of her hands and got up, feeling worse than he had before. He should get Kendall.
“But I thought you would actually tell me. Please.” He had made his way closer to the door of the Crib before turning back and seeing those koala eyes but somehow they didn’t have the magic they usually did. For the first time the eyes weren’t fake sad. No, in front of him was not an act but a sad little girl who needed her brother.
He felt a stabbing pain in his chest as he thought of the usual strength of the girl in front of him and how much she depended on him and how absolutely wrong that was.
“Katie, I’m not your big brother.”
He walked out of the Crib.
*~*
James felt like a ghost. He walked through life but he didn’t seem to be living it. Katie wouldn’t look at him and if she did it was as if she were looking through him as he wandered around aimlessly until someone told him to go somewhere or sing something.
His friends weren’t too worried to begin with as they expected him to be a little subdued after his mother’s visit though they didn’t expect it to go on for this long.
It wasn’t until Kendall noticed that James’ hair looked slightly greasy and that his usually flawless skin seemed to be breaking out on his chin, that he knew that something was definitely wrong.
Kendall watched the boy for a few days as he drifted through the Palm Woods, speaking less and less and becoming less and less James with every passing hour. Enough so that Mama Knight even asked him if he was okay. He had perked up in the moment but soon was back to his ghostly self. Kendall wondered what could have possibly happened that had made James act this way. Was it just his mother? Had Cuda gone out of business?
Then he noticed Katie.
Or more like, he didn’t notice Katie.
Katie who had been attached to James since she could open her eyes. Katie who didn’t understand boundaries very well and always spoke her mind. In other words, while James was in this state Kendall expected to see Katie wrapped around him for extra support like she usually would be, but she wasn’t. She was there for mealtimes or to help with a scheme that one of the boy’s cooked up but other than that she disappeared and every time she did, Kendall saw James grow more and more transparent.
Kendall finally knew he had to step up and find out what was happening when Gustavo asked where Katie had been.
She was usually at the studio every week with a new money making project or to just generally annoy the boys and the producer but she hadn’t been around in a while that even Gustavo had noticed.
He called the boys into his office and innocently asked whether something had happened to the girl. Carlos and Logan exchanged confused looks, unaware until now that something was wrong but Kendall just stared at James. James, who looked like he wanted the ground to open up as he cringed and shrugged his shoulders.
Kendall would need to have a serious chat with his best friend.
*~*
“What did you say to my baby sister?” James cringed again, hanging his head down. He had been waiting for this conversation but that didn’t make it any easier.
They were in the Crib after being at the studio. Carlos and Logan had begun asking about Katie now that they knew something was up and Kendall knew he had to have the conversation as soon as possible if James’ sour lemon face was anything to go by.
“You’re not even going to deny it?” Kendall asked, feeling anger rise within him and burn his throat. If James had done anything to his baby sister he would make him pay. He thought maybe it was a misunderstanding and that James didn’t do anything wrong. As much as James had his flaws he was never a bad person and he was always amazing when it came to Katie. Yet here he was, sitting on their orange sofa and hanging his head.
The silence spoke volumes.
“James?” He finally looked up, it was the most wrecked he had looked the whole week. His hair was partly combed but mostly a mess from stressed hands running through it. James’ eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot as though he hadn’t been sleeping and was about to cry.
“I’m sorry.” The broken voice of his best friend made Kendall’s heart ache.
“James, what did you do?” He was still angry but he could feel it ebbing away at James’ haunted expression.
“Nothing! I didn’t do anything, I promise. I just- I told her the truth and she didn’t like it.” His eyes travelled anywhere but Kendall’s. ‘Nothing’, right.
“James, what did you say?”
“It wasn’t- it wasn’t meant to be anything bad. I mean, you know how I say things and don’t realise how bad it sounds until afterwards!” He cried, defending something he hadn’t even told yet. And Kendall did know. He had been at the receiving end of James’ accidental tactlessness his whole life but he had never done so to Katie.
Under Kendall’s stare he once again looked around the room, eyes catching any bright thing they could land on and trying to ignore the burning silence between them.
“I just- she asked me about your dad-”
“My dad?” What could Katie possibly be doing asking James about their dad? Despite this shock, he could feel the pieces come together. That was why James had run down and asked him to go talk to Katie but by the time he got there she was already gone and then this all started. Because Katie talked to James about their father.
Katie talked to James about their father.
Kendall felt cold and numb. The world was tilted.
Katie, his baby sister, had felt more comfortable asking James about their dad than him.
“Yes, but only because she said that you wouldn’t talk to her about it!” James’ frantic voice came back into focus as Kendall clung to the words. Katie had tried many times to talk to him about their dad but he always shut her down, believing she should be innocent to any sin their father committed but now he could see he was wrong.
“And I felt I wasn’t someone who should talk to her about it. I told her-” James came to a stop, his eyes slowing down to finally rest on Kendall’s own startled ones. This was in no way how he thought this conversation would go.
“I told her that she should talk to her actual brother.”
Now it all made sense.
Katie had never said it to him but Kendall always knew she considered James as a second older brother. One who didn’t live with them all the time and wasn’t as smart as them but an older brother nonetheless. Someone she could count on if Kendall wasn’t around.
And Kendall wasn’t around to tell her about their dad.
His anger completely vanished and was instead replaced with guilt and longing. He wished he could be the older brother that Katie needed, and maybe someday he would be but for now, Katie needed James and he wasn’t going to stand in the way of that.
“You’re an idiot.” James' eyes flashed with anger for a second. He was doing this for Katie and Kendall’s benefit. She should know to go to her actual brother, it was bad enough he felt like he was stealing something from Kendall but talking about her father was a boundary he couldn’t cross. She was already 11, it was time she knew that James wasn’t- wasn’t who she thought.
He was helping Kendall and yet he had the nerve to call him an idiot.
“Don’t look at me like that. You are being an idiot. I don’t care what you think your reasons were. Go and apologise to Katie.”
Kendall left, happy in the knowledge that even if he wasn’t the best older brother to Katie, he had at least helped her in gaining one in James. James was left confused, angry and lost standing in the middle of his dream life which he was sure was now a nightmare.
*~*
It took a while, he had to check a lot of places before deciding the Palm Woods Park was the least likely and so the most likely place to find Katie. He found her on a bench, phone in her lap as she leaned over it, fiddling with her hair in the reflection of the black screen.
He slowly walked up behind her, not quickly so she could leave if she wanted but not quietly so as to not startle her, managing to crunch a couple of leaves as he made his way over.
When he finally stood behind her she stopped touching her hair, letting it all fall to her shoulders before he began gathering up her loose hair.
It had gotten longer and curlier since their move to LA but it was still the same hair he was used to. The same mousy brown that he had braided so many times before. It had been a long time since he had even had to style her hair. She was older now and she did it herself and a part of James’ heart broke at the thought. Someday Katie wouldn’t need him. He just hoped that time wasn’t now. That maybe he could delay it just a little longer.
He softly carded his fingers through her hair, making sure not to pull too tightly against the knots gathering beneath his fingers. He then reached around and began braiding her still annoying, yet longer now, fringe out of her face and into the rest of her loose hair.
“I’m sorry.” He said for lack of anything better to say. Whether it was strictly true was debatable.
“No, you’re not.” His hands paused for a second before continuing their work as if nothing had happened.
“No, I’m not. What I said was true because,” He stopped, finishing the braid and letting her hair fall back into place. “Because I’m not your big brother. I’m not wrong about that. I’m selfish, stupid and self-absorbed. Everything a big brother, your big brother, shouldn’t be.” This wasn’t how he wanted this to go, but how could she still not see that he wasn’t worthy of being her older brother?
“I don’t care.”
“What?”
“I don’t care!” She was up from the bench in a flash, stood in front of James and looking up at him. “I don’t care what you don’t think you should be. I’m the one that gets to decide.” Her eyes were red and she glared at him, daring him to say otherwise before she sat back down on the bench and put her head in her hands.
“Are you okay?” It sounded stupid to his own ears.
“No, I want my big brother.”
It had never hurt so much for James to get exactly what he wanted. All his life he had been handed anything if he even expressed a slight desire for it but this? This left an ache in his chest he wasn’t sure would ever leave. But this is what he wanted, Kendall was her older brother, he is the one who should be looking out for her on dates, doing her hair and singing for her whenever she’s sad. Not James. Even if those times are some of the happiest times he has. This is how it should be.
So why did his chest ache?
“Of course, I’ll go get him.”
Suddenly, Katie was up from her spot again and there she stood, staring him down. She wasn’t crying but she was close and James loathed himself for ever being a part of making the strongest person he knew nearly start crying.
“You really are an idiot.” She yelled, running into him and wrapping her arms around his middle unflinchingly, squeezing until all of her was engulfed within James’ hold.
“You’re my big brother too.”
It felt like his insides were burning up, his eyes were stinging and his stomach hurt from the force that Katie had run into him but he didn’t care. He couldn’t care. He pulled his arms around her and held her tight.
Maybe he wasn’t the right choice. Maybe he would mess up like this a thousand times over. But if Katie was willing to choose him for this then how could he ever say no?
“Well, I am the pretty one, not the smart one.”
“You don’t have to choose.” Came a small sniffle from his chest.
“Well, do me a favour and be smart and pretty for the both of us and maybe I’ll let you be my manager when I’m rich and famous.” A small laugh erupted from the girl in his arms as more sniffling followed from the both of them before they finally let go.
Katie fiddled with her newly braided hair now with a smile on her face.
She didn’t even need to check to know it looked good.
Her big brother had done it.